In poor taste - How do you date or hook up with friends of friends?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2009 11:30 AM GMT
    So I recently "dated" someone that was a friend of a friend. Not just friends, but we were both pretty close friends with the person in common. In fact, we are in a circle of friends who all know each other and socialize regularly.

    Things got really intense for a while and sent a lot of serious signals that seemed like we were heading towards something serious... The biggest signal (to me) being that we met through good friends and only had sex after two months of dates.

    I feel like once I started responding to them in a way that said I want to go there, he backed away gave me a lot of the old lines "not sure what I am looking for" and "not ready for a committed relationship." After hurt being strung along for a while I walked away and told him I didn't want to see him again, even as friends.

    Well now that it's over, my friends (its a couple who is the common link) filled me in on more background and it turns out that he had been dumped by someone they introduced him to then had a fling with another one of their friends right before me - literally a matter of days. Well it became quite apparent to me that my love affair was really not much more than a few weeks of therapy fucking. This literally made me sick to my stomach.

    I am no angel believe me... but I feel like I have pretty solid boundaries when it comes to messing around with friends of friends. I have met several guys that I thought I might like to date or have fun with but didn't want to risk the potential of contaminating the mutual friendships. I thought most adults would have similar boundaries.

    My question is twofold:

    Do you think the friends in between should have filled me in on his recent history with their other friends?

    What are your boundaries with people who are in a circle of friends? Was I wrong to assume that other people have a higher threshold too?
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    Aug 13, 2009 2:51 PM GMT
    lol, it's luck of the draw, and I think that if you'd met this guy on your own, without the network of friends the outcome would have been the same, except that you wouldn't know the background history afterwards, which you do now, which has in a way given you some closure. The benefit to you here is that you've just found out that 'the BF thing not working out' has nothing to do with you.

    -Doug of meninlove

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    Aug 13, 2009 6:24 PM GMT
    Whore Muchicon_question.gificon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2009 6:36 PM GMT
    Did the mutual friends know you were hooking up when you were, or that you were interested? If you were honest with them they probably would have told you from the beginning. You should be honest with your friends in those situations. It will help avoid a lot of nonsense.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2009 6:39 PM GMT
    masculine31 saidWhore Muchicon_question.gificon_eek.gif


    Judgmental S-B more?

    icon_rolleyes.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2009 6:49 PM GMT
    masculine31 saidWhore Muchicon_question.gificon_eek.gif


    What exactly did his post contain to justify you calling him a whore, other than using proper English?

    Pete - what happened between you would have happened whether he was in your circle of friends or not. He didn't freak out and get cold feet because you had friends in common, he freaked out and got cold feet because he did.

    In the age of Facebook, it's almost impossible to meet/date a person who doesn't have some other connection to you via friends. Choose the people you date based on their individual merits and your compatibility with them/them with you, not based on who you both know. While I might say there's a bit of an exception for dating the ex of a close friend, real connections are so rare that to worry more about the circumstances that you/he USED to be in are, in the grand scheme of things, less important than whether or not you have a viable future in a serious relationship.

    Good luck either way, and you're not a whore.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2009 6:51 PM GMT
    Sorry you went through this.

    I had a similar experience about a year ago. I later learned he had been dumped by someone else. I think he treated me badly because of his recent experience with being treated badly by someone else.

    I also learned that he had been talking with his friends about intimate details of our relationship. I wasn't comfortable with that.

    This may sound jaded........i prefer to chalk it up to experience........but I learned it is not good to trust someone too quickly, even though you apparently think you can.

    There are guys out there who say the right things, profess spirituality and kindness, but they are lost sharks always looking for something to feed on.

    Its a crap shoot.
  • DanielQQ

    Posts: 365

    Aug 13, 2009 7:02 PM GMT
    "After hurt being strung along for a while I walked away and told him I didn't want to see him again, even as friends."

    I have a hard time believing you were strung along. Also, I'm completely confused as to how you can date someone for 2 months and not know that he recently was emotionally devastated. What did you guys talk about all that time? The weather??

    I don't think it's polite to talk about exes on the first date. But you better believe that within the 2nd or 3rd date, I will have asked whether there were any recent breakups, and I would have also clarified what he was looking for in life at the time.

    People who are "strung along" for 2 months are either 1) being lied to or 2) too afraid to ask what's going on or 3) in denial about the reality of the situation. So which was it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 13, 2009 7:08 PM GMT
    DanielQQ said"After hurt being strung along for a while I walked away and told him I didn't want to see him again, even as friends."

    I have a hard time believing you were strung along. Also, I'm completely confused as to how you can date someone for 2 months and not know that he recently was emotionally devastated. What did you guys talk about all that time? The weather??

    I don't think it's polite to talk about exes on the first date. But you better believe that within the 2nd or 3rd date, I will have asked whether there were any recent breakups, and I would have also clarified what he was looking for in life at the time.

    People who are "strung along" for 2 months are either 1) being lied to or 2) too afraid to ask what's going on or 3) in denial about the reality of the situation. So which was it?


    Inquiring minds want to know.