Relationship problems, Finding a good guy.

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    Aug 20, 2009 9:17 AM GMT
    So im 19 years old and I have been dating on and off for awhile now. well lets start of with a little bit about me. and please hang in there cause i do tend to write all over. I moved out when I was 14 years old due to both my parents doing drugs and couldn't take care of me, I didn't want a life like that. I met my first boyfriend when i was 15 just turning 16 Rudy was 20 years old and well the love of my life. our first date was amazing it lasted from 12 in the afternoon till 5 am the next day and he asked me out that day, and we lasted 2 years. We lived together from two weeks after we met and it was amazing we were best friends, there was not one day that went by that we didn't shower together or eat together. Well that never lasts. One day he told me he didn't love me the way I loved him and i had no clue what to do I was tour apart i went crazy. I fucked even a friendship up with him cause I begged him so much to get back together. well now im 20 years old and him and I are very good friends. But I have dated LOTS of guys since him and so far everyone of them are ass holes. I have been cheated on lied to mentally abused ( If a guy ever laid a hand on me it would be his last) and im fucking sick of it. Rudy has set such a high bar. He is a real man he never lied or cheated he was always faithful. It always ends with we should just be friends. WTF ok a little bit about me im a lover im a very sweet guy i LOVE to make my partner feel special. I do and say sweet stuff its just in my nature. I cant help it. All these guys go for the ass holes they like the guys who treat them like shit, and sometimes i think i should do that but that means i wouldn't be myself. People tell me im way to young to be thinking about a relationship and I don't understand who gets to say when is a right age to settle down?

    I have read a book my mom gave me its called LOVE ADDICTION and yes i know thats part of my problem. The book explains how when you did not get the love and attention from your parents you look for it in a relationship well i think Rudy gave all that to me and when he took it away I didn't know what to do. And now that I don't have it im feeling depressed again. Also a problem of mine is everyone i talk to is over 21 and they ALL go to bars, since i cant its very hard to make friends there for I don't have very much friends or a group of friends. So i look for a boyfriend to occupy my time.

    I guess im just looking for some input on what anyone thinks about my situation or what ever you want to call it.

    Thanks

    Brian
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    Aug 20, 2009 1:45 PM GMT

    Hey sar480 (Brian),
    Welcome to Realjock! Just enjoyed your post, and things sound pretty normal, really.

    Lol, up here you're legal for any adult activity as in bars etc.
    Your story is intriguing. I feel it's easy to self label love addiction. Back in my early days (the sphinx was still new) I thought the same about myself ( Mom and Dad had a fiery Jamaican relationship, and those are loving but also full of arguments of volcanic proportions).
    The counselor I spoke with disagreed. He said I was trying to find a relationship that matched my ideals, and said that the drive for those ideals could be, er, toned down a notch. He said to keep them, but to proceed slowly and find out more about my potential partner before diving so deeply in. He also said my upfront earnestness could be a turn-off. You know, in the long run, I think it served in an odd kind of way to keep at bay the more faint of heart.

    Was his advice suspect? After all I felt I had to hide that I was gay (it was 1974) so had to present my trouble as a straight guy. It turns out it really didn't matter, because the guy came out several years later. Too funny. icon_lol.gif


    -Doug of meninlove (Bill just gone to work)
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    Aug 20, 2009 2:35 PM GMT
    First things first: you've pretty much answered all of your own questions in your own post, but sometimes it helps to have things reflected back in a different way to help see what you cannot see on your own.

    Wanting a BF to 'occupy your time' is a bad motivation for wanting a BF. Lots of things can occupy your time - reading, working out, knitting, etc.

    Building on that, if your main selection criteria is that you're looking for someone to occupy your time or fill a void that cannot possibly be filled (i.e. not getting enough/good enough affection/love from your parents is something that YOU will have to reconcile, not a boyfriend) having such a minimum requirement is bound to lead to failure.

    Whenever people say that they only meet assholes, it is a big red flag. YOU are the one picking these assholes. You are not an asshole magnet that attracts them against your will. It's why people who are abused as children pick mates who will continue that cycle - they stick with what they know. You are the only person who can change the way you go about deciding whom to spend your time with and why. Just like an overweight person doesn't attract donuts, they choose them. Make different choices and you will get different outcomes.

    I don't think you suffer from Love Addiction, I think you suffer from Asshole Addiction. What you're seeking out is not love, you're seeking out people who fit the profile of someone who will abuse you (be it emotional, physical or both) and then settling in for the drama. I don't say this to insult you, I say this to hopefully motivate you to think about the choices you've made thus far and how those choices have ended up being bad ones. While you will never be able to make it so that assholes aren't out there, you can certainly learn to spot the warning signs and steer clear.

    At the end of the day, you're 20 years old. It's better to learn NOW that you are making unhealthy choices than to end up at 40 or 50 and wondering why you've wasted your 'prime' years chasing after assholes. It'd also be good to learn right now how to be comfortable being on your own. Finding the things that you can do for yourself that will not only occupy your time but will give you an opportunity to grow your self esteem and sense of self worth. Building those two things is critical if you're ever going to make relationship choices that are based on HEALTHY needs and desires and not the unhealthy ones that you've been pursuing thus far, with horrible results. And, for the love of God, don't take the lazy route and just become an asshole yourself because you think that's what guys want. Nobody WANTS to be in a relationship with a huge dick, they just settle for it because it's what they think they deserve. Don't be the person on either end of that equation. Just don't.

    If all of this sounds heavy-handed and a bit tough love-ish, I apologize. Nobody 'deserves' to have bad relationships or be abused by / taken advantage of by other people, but in many cases, they make those choices because they don't ever stop and figure out why they're making them in the first place. Take some time off from the BF thing, get to know yourself a bit better, learn to value yourself a little bit more, and hopefully one day you'll realize that you're worth more than the shitty choices you've been making and will instead choose something better.
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    Aug 20, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
    I read your post about your sex drive. Is it possible your sex drive is interfering with your judgment and leading you to make bad choices, thus getting you involved with bad people icon_question.gif You need to become a better judge of character and don’t be afraid to break off a relationship if you feel the guy is below your moral standards.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 20, 2009 5:16 PM GMT
    Umm... you live with a guy for 2 years and suddenly he says he just isn't in love with you? Unless there is more to that statement, he was never the love of your life. I think we all put our first loves on a pedestal and don't see the relationships for what they really were. And frankly, you do sound like your 20 on the matter. What I mean by that is it seems like you're searching for someone to complete you; you should be complete on your own. Love isn't about filling a void, it's about adding some to an already fulfilling life and making it even more enjoyable. You shouldn't need a guy to settle down and not having one shouldn't make you go crazy. I think you need to work on your own issues before you start dating anyone, otherwise it will never work out.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 20, 2009 5:34 PM GMT
    I think you're right to read up about love addiction. I think you might benefit from in-person therapy. Offering some armchair psychology, I wonder if moving out of a young age has made you more susceptible to needing to be in a relationship. You're 20 years old. Still pretty young. And if you're dating other guys around that age, you're all pretty much still figuring out who you are and what you want, though you might be further along and more mature. Most guys in that age range are just looking to have fun and date and don't have what it takes to make a relationship last long-term. That doesn't excuse them from being emotionally abusive or unfaithful.

    You do sound like you're a great guy and you don't need to change your personality to become a bastard. You have to be who you are. Be real. You might want to try dating slightly older and more settled men.

    Bars aren't necessarily the answer. In fact, you'll likely find more of the same there. I'd find some social groups to get involved in where you can have fun with other gay men. A group to socialize with, and where you might -- MIGHT -- find prospective dating material, but that shouldn't be your primary goal.

    You just need to be patient. Finding the right guy can take time. If they grew on trees more of us would be partnered up.
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    Aug 20, 2009 5:44 PM GMT
    badmikeyt saidFirst things first: you've pretty much answered all of your own questions in your own post, but sometimes it helps to have things reflected back in a different way to help see what you cannot see on your own.

    Wanting a BF to 'occupy your time' is a bad motivation for wanting a BF. Lots of things can occupy your time - reading, working out, knitting, etc.

    Building on that, if your main selection criteria is that you're looking for someone to occupy your time or fill a void that cannot possibly be filled (i.e. not getting enough/good enough affection/love from your parents is something that YOU will have to reconcile, not a boyfriend) having such a minimum requirement is bound to lead to failure.

    Whenever people say that they only meet assholes, it is a big red flag. YOU are the one picking these assholes. You are not an asshole magnet that attracts them against your will. It's why people who are abused as children pick mates who will continue that cycle - they stick with what they know. You are the only person who can change the way you go about deciding whom to spend your time with and why. Just like an overweight person doesn't attract donuts, they choose them. Make different choices and you will get different outcomes.

    I don't think you suffer from Love Addiction, I think you suffer from Asshole Addiction. What you're seeking out is not love, you're seeking out people who fit the profile of someone who will abuse you (be it emotional, physical or both) and then settling in for the drama. I don't say this to insult you, I say this to hopefully motivate you to think about the choices you've made thus far and how those choices have ended up being bad ones. While you will never be able to make it so that assholes aren't out there, you can certainly learn to spot the warning signs and steer clear.

    At the end of the day, you're 20 years old. It's better to learn NOW that you are making unhealthy choices than to end up at 40 or 50 and wondering why you've wasted your 'prime' years chasing after assholes. It'd also be good to learn right now how to be comfortable being on your own. Finding the things that you can do for yourself that will not only occupy your time but will give you an opportunity to grow your self esteem and sense of self worth. Building those two things is critical if you're ever going to make relationship choices that are based on HEALTHY needs and desires and not the unhealthy ones that you've been pursuing thus far, with horrible results. And, for the love of God, don't take the lazy route and just become an asshole yourself because you think that's what guys want. Nobody WANTS to be in a relationship with a huge dick, they just settle for it because it's what they think they deserve. Don't be the person on either end of that equation. Just don't.

    If all of this sounds heavy-handed and a bit tough love-ish, I apologize. Nobody 'deserves' to have bad relationships or be abused by / taken advantage of by other people, but in many cases, they make those choices because they don't ever stop and figure out why they're making them in the first place. Take some time off from the BF thing, get to know yourself a bit better, learn to value yourself a little bit more, and hopefully one day you'll realize that you're worth more than the shitty choices you've been making and will instead choose something better.



    OK FIRST OF ALL i didnt even read your whole response, I DO NOT DATE ONLY TO OCCUPY MY TIME the guys i date are guys i find an interest in. And as for me talking about the ass holes they end up ass holes they arent ass holes when i meet them trust me some of the guys i have met are so fucking sweet and but in the long run they are the ass holes.....Im not one of those people you hear about who enjoys to fucking get beat or stays in a relationship like that cause trust me the second a guy treats me wrong i dont put up with that shit...........Just needed to get that straight!
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    Aug 20, 2009 5:46 PM GMT
    yz250mxrida saidI read your post about your sex drive. Is it possible your sex drive is interfering with your judgment and leading you to make bad choices, thus getting you involved with bad people icon_question.gif You need to become a better judge of character and don’t be afraid to break off a relationship if you feel the guy is below your moral standards.


    Hey thanks for your response thats a good idea...I will admit my judgment is clouded sometimes and i do settle maybe i see them turning out to be ass holes but i let them make the first move to being a prick instead of me saying you know what your not right for me or this just isnt working out.......again like i posted im not one to take anyones shit i speak my mind VERY much
  • TadPohl

    Posts: 259

    Aug 20, 2009 6:11 PM GMT
    You're not alone. Countless men and women, gays and straights have dragged themselves through this same muck. Some of these people have figured a way out and some have become the exact cold hearted antagonist that caused them these emotional scars to begin with.
    I sincerely hope that you find your way to emotional evolution versus becoming the very jerk that continues to spread these ill feelings of insecurity down to generations of gay men.

    Please let me make a recommendation. Read these two books:

    A Return To Love- Marriane Williamson
    If The Buddha Dated- Charlotte Kasl


    These are two amazing and influential books that shaped my perspective about myself, about love and about "finding a good guy"
    I am certain that if you gave them a read and practiced their theory that you will find yourself lifted from the haze of "what the hell am I doing wrong"

    Please get back to me when you've finished reading them. I would sincerely like to hear how or if they affect the interaction you have with yourself and with other people.

    Good Luck!
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    Aug 20, 2009 6:31 PM GMT
    The very last thing you said in your post (well next to last):

    sar480So i look for a boyfriend to occupy my time.


    It sounds like you don't want advice or help, you want people to validate that your lame approach to men is going to ultimately, against all odds, start working.

    Given the fact that you went from sweet and advice-seeking to an all-caps screamer, I'd say that you probably are more of an asshole than you're willing to admit.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Aug 20, 2009 10:37 PM GMT
    Brian, you are still so very young yet. Your going to look at the world, men and everything else in your life so differently even a year from now. I have been were your are and in your twenties everything seems to have high drama attached to it, trust me you will survive it, and you will be a better man for it too. By the time your out of your twenties, you might even understand men a little better, well maybe not. I'm still trying to figure men out lol.,
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    Aug 21, 2009 6:47 AM GMT
    cityguy39 saidBrian, you are still so very young yet. Your going to look at the world, men and everything else in your life so differently even a year from now. I have been were your are and in your twenties everything seems to have high drama attached to it, trust me you will survive it, and you will be a better man for it too. By the time your out of your twenties, you might even understand men a little better, well maybe not. I'm still trying to figure men out lol.,


    Thank you very much for that icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 21, 2009 7:11 AM GMT
    Sounds like you have had a tough go of it. Sorry to read that. Yes, there are assholes out there. There are also lots of good people out there. Just look at it this way - by knowing the kind of person you don't want to be with - be wary and alert of behaviors that bother you or send up red flags - you will be more aware when you later find a a good guy. There is a lot of heartache at your age because people really don't know who they are yet and who they want to be. My recommendation - take a break from dating for awhile and try making some more friends who share your common interests. Hang in there, bud.
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    Aug 21, 2009 7:28 AM GMT
    let me answer every question easily and simply..

    your freaking 19 mate, got have some life experience first, go grow up, go find the strength to be everything you are, go have fun, be true and relish and take advantage of all the opportunities you have.

    then, something magical will happen, you'll find you've lived life.
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    Aug 25, 2009 9:13 PM GMT
    Sar480:

    I thought your post was interesting and sincere. Your willingness to be vulnerable and tell an honest account of how you feel, demonstrats character so many men are lacking.

    I know what it's like to lose a lover who was also my best friend. Others can say what they want about being comfortable in your own skin and a need for being happy when alone... I have found peace being alone but am always far happier when I have somebody to share my life with...you'll find another Rudy some day..only better!

    Take care of yourself brother.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Aug 25, 2009 9:42 PM GMT
    badmikeyt said... You are the only person who can change the way you go about deciding whom to spend your time with and why. Just like an overweight person doesn't attract donuts, they choose them. Make different choices and you will get different outcomes.


    Although that was a snippet of what mikey has said, it was what stuck out like an answer that stares one in the face that one may or may not take notice.
    If you choose to listen to anything written in this thread, OP, it needs to be everything that mikey has written for us all here. copy and paste it. read and re-read it. apply it to your life. learn from it. c'est fin.
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Aug 25, 2009 10:06 PM GMT
    God man...youre only 19....Enjoy your "youth"....The rest will all fall into place in due time....Love your self first, you will find you will not need someone to fill the "void"....icon_lol.gif
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    Aug 25, 2009 10:35 PM GMT
    dont be serious about a anything you do . . . . with the exception of being responsible. There will come a time and place when you will need to settle, commit and be serious in SO many facets of your life.

    Enjoy and do you man

    ;-)
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    Aug 26, 2009 2:44 PM GMT
    It's nobody's fault that you've been dating jerks. You can't tell when a guy's an asshole? Well, if you really can't, then you really are too young icon_smile.gif
    Now... love doesn't just happen with a random guy. And have you ever thought that maybe there is a lesson you need to learn first before you devote yourself to someone else? Because having issues with yourself is eventually gonna cause issues with your partner.

    Don't push life, Brian icon_smile.gif Just live and let life be... what must happen will happen when the time is right. That's the way it should be icon_smile.gif And don't think you're incomplete just because you don't have a boyfriend... just try to be happy icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 29, 2009 5:00 PM GMT
    Hey man - by now I hope you can tell that you're not alone. It's totally normal and OK. I certainly have experienced some of what you describe. Heh - most of us have the same issues to some degree. It comes with the territory.

    You're way ahead of a lotta people in recognizing what's going on. Even better that you're looking for ways to improve things. Taking control of your own destiny is a big step in the right direction ... clearly, you're good at that already. Stay committed. There is no "fix." and you won't get "fixed" overnight. That would suck - you'd be 20 and have nothing left to work on haha.

    Over time you learn how to change the way you think and the way you relate to the world around you. You may not notice progress from day to day, but if you stick with it, one day you'll wake up and say "damn - my life is pretty great!" I promise. ... And the best part is that you'll deserve full credit for making it so. than

    Guys on here have given great advice (mostly). In-person counselling is best. Consider it coaching on the drills and tactics to be a great player (not playah!) in the game of life. Whether or not you go that route, read the books. There's so much good info out there. In addion to the two listed above, you should check out The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck. That was the first one that really opened my eyes.

    And keep talkin' to us. A lot of us are going thru similar experiences. Helps to learn from each other. You're certainly welome to give me a shout anytime.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Jan 15, 2010 9:08 AM GMT

    when it's all said and done ... if there really is a such thing as ' the one, ' then searching for him for most of your days will do you no good. you will find each other when you either least expect it or when it is the least convenient. I firmly believe in the ' know it when you see it ' policy found in your social contract and that seeking outcomes is utterly fallible. you do not go about your days changing who you are to make others happy and therefore you should not go about each encounter as though he will be your last (and thus requires that you hold ever so tightly upon any intimacy between you and guys that come into your life for brief periods of time).

    you have to go out, be yourself, and live!



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    Jan 15, 2010 9:16 AM GMT
    jrs1 said
    when it's all said and done ... if there really is a such thing as ' the one, ' then searching for him for most of your days will do you no good. you will find each other when you either least expect it or when it is the least convenient. I firmly believe in the ' know it when you see it ' policy found in your social contract and that seeking outcomes is utterly fallible. you do not go about your days changing who you are to make others happy and therefore you should not go about each encounter as though he will be your last (and thus requires that you hold ever so tightly upon any intimacy between you and guys that come into your life for brief periods of time).

    you have to go out, be yourself, and live!



    ^^ what he said.
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    Jan 15, 2010 9:33 AM GMT
    Well, Brian, pretty clearly you need to work on who you pick. Sometimes the guy who is the most fun off the bat isn't the best guy to end up with as a boyfriend. I'm sure you'll figure that out.

    But one thing that is a strong positive from my perspective is that you seem to have an emphasis on at least developing relationships, which many gay men who are emotionally stunted are unable to really develop. At least you'll learn from those experiences. Don't change that - the fact that you're so young and asking these questions shows how many lightyears ahead of the curve you are on this front from some of your peers, who will be stuck doing the same thing when they're 30.