Help with sex problem

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    Aug 20, 2009 8:15 PM GMT
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  • twentyfourhou...

    Posts: 243

    Aug 20, 2009 8:59 PM GMT
    My take, sometimes love is not enough. Does not sound like you two are sexually compatible. This would be a deal breaker for me. It might last for a year or two but................
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    Aug 20, 2009 9:37 PM GMT
    twentyfourhourslater saidMy take, sometimes love is not enough. Does not sound like you two are sexually compatible. This would be a deal breaker for me. It might last for a year or two but................


    I disagree.

    It sounds to me like the OP has a couple of confidence issues, and that's perfectly natural for some new relationships. For example, there's some sort of anxiety about you being the top that I think you can overcome with a bit of time and relaxing into it. That's natural. Ask him what turns him on...tell him to get verbal. Watch porn together...do what it takes to get you relaxed and hard. If it doesn't work out on one occasion - so be it, there's a next time. You might come back from a great evening one night, or wake up with hard-on and voila, you're a good top! icon_cool.gif

    On the bottom thing - you're in a tough position where he just has a really large penis. I'm no expert but I've always felt that if you focus on the act in your head, and the potential pain, and that you can't take it, you can't take it - aaaaargh! - you work yourself up so much that you are not relaxed and it just won't work. So my advice would be increase the foreplay, take it slow, increase the kissing (you sound into each other), don't focus on the physics of it all or potential pain, etc. Additionally, have you thought about using poppers? I mean, it can help. You say you love him, so it's just a matter of channeling everything good that he makes you feel into the bedroom.

    I do not think it's a good idea to introduce other parties into the bedroom in order to get off - especially if you are only 3 months in.

    Most of all - TALK. Talk about this...talk to him about it, communicate. If you let him know all of this, he's obviously not going to demand anal sex every night, and when you do, he's not going to slam you into the next century ;)
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Aug 20, 2009 9:44 PM GMT
    In a word...OUCH!
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    Aug 20, 2009 9:47 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidIn a word...OUCH!


    lol. probably more spot on than my response! icon_cool.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Aug 20, 2009 9:51 PM GMT
    I mean, ya gotta feel for the guy. Who wants to end up with an ass you can park a Mini Cooper in? icon_lol.gif
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    Aug 20, 2009 9:59 PM GMT
    I would tell him to get over it and then tell him to bend over and take it like he wants you to. His dick is not meant for a first timer. If you don't enjoy it then don't do it!
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    Aug 20, 2009 11:56 PM GMT
    Anal just isn't for everyone. I don't care for it either way, topping or bottom. You shouldn't feel pressured to do it if you don't enjoy it. And from what you say here, I don't see this relationship going far, too much sexual incapatablity.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 21, 2009 12:02 AM GMT
    Not liking anal is more common than you think. And I feel for you because it's obvious you're trying. If this is a deal braker for your partner or you, you might have to just walk away. Compromising your sexual security and enjoyment will not help your relationship in the long wrong, and could lead to cheating. I say talk to him about it and if nothing can be done, you might have to accept that.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Aug 21, 2009 12:08 AM GMT
    I sort of hope my partner never reads this, but I'd say that you should be able to top him easy enough by fantasizing about something that does turn you on while you do it. This might sound like taking you out of the moment, but if it's not something you guys do every time, and it turns him on, then you're sort of fantasizing for his benefit, and I think it's ok (myself). If you can't while he's watching, try doing it with him face away from you for awhile, so that you don't have to pay attention to his face and reactions at least while you're trying to keep yourself hard.

    In terms of bottoming, I think there's only so much you can do. I'd say that you should keep at it with the toys. It can/will get easier. Maybe it's a long term thing though. Meaning maybe it takes you a year or more till you can take him.
    Also, I would suggest taking a long time to loosen up just before you guys do it. A long time (like 40 minutes, if you need it). And don't worry about not staying hard during. That will come if it's going to come. If it's not, it's not worth worrying about.

    I'd say you should chill out about the sex thing in general. Yeah, it's important in a relationship, but only as important as you make it. If you guys are good, you'll figure that out. To possibly paraphrase Dan Savage, if either of you really does want something that the other can't provide, I'd say you should go to a professional for it, until you've been together long enough to know it won't cause problems. My partner and I have been together for 5 year now, and I'm 90% bringing another person in would totally ruin things for us. If it was a professional, at least they'd leave and we probably wouldn't be running into them around town (well, possibly).

    Hope some of that helps.
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    Aug 21, 2009 1:48 AM GMT
    original714 saidHey guys:

    I have been dating a guy for over 3 months, and I can easily say I love him. We get along incredibly well. It is crushing me inside however that I am not really into anal sex and he really is. I never even experimented with my ass that much growing up, just not my thing really. He was clear about wanting anal sex at the get go and I explained it was new to me and that I wanted to try it, and even now I want to be able to do it for him, but he is my first and I am not very experienced. He has a huge penis by my measure, about 9 inches long, 7 inch circumference in the middle, no exaggeration. It hurts and I don't really enjoy it. We've only done it a half dozen times or so, so maybe it will get better. I have found smaller toys to be fun.

    I do prep with toys and things, but I don’t get hard during the real act, and that's hardly to mention that he wants me to top him sometimes and it doesn’t arouse me at all. I stood there limp once, so absurd. I laughed, he was non judgmental and understanding. I am definitely gay, but is it incredibly weird that I am not aroused by this? He is a hot guy. I also can't swallow his whole cock when I blow him, and he is kind about it, but I feel like I am letting him down. He is incredible with what he does sexually to me otherwise and I can’t seem to return any of the favors : ( I am a mix of emotions right now. Any advice?

    To boot, we sometimes talk about asking others to join our bedroom and on one hand I am completely open to it, on the other I feel like he needs a substitute to satisfy him sexually. I like leather and rubber gear a lot, he doesn’t really, and I find that if I talk to another guy, he gets upset, but if he does it is complete alright and he does not see the difference or he comes up with some explanation of why it is alright for him and not me. It leaves me feeling confused. It’s as if we are a great match in all areas but sex and that leaves me somewhat distraught.


    This is not a fit. Time to move on.
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    Aug 21, 2009 2:27 AM GMT
    I am the op, and hearing that this is not a fit makes me so sad! This is my first relationship, but it can work out sometimes, right? I am actually upset with my man right now. I barely ate and prepped for hours with toys and whatnot thinking we'd have sex tonight, which he suggested, and then watch his Project Runway, and now he has a fever and just wants to chill and hang out tomorrow. He texted me that he was stroking his cock, then we texted for a few minutes, then he had a fever when I said I indicated I had played a bit too much with toys and was taking a break. grrr. I was and am hurt. We're having a chat tomorrow.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Aug 21, 2009 3:41 AM GMT
    Wait a sec. Three months in and you're discussing having others join you guys in the sack? That's pretty quick for that convo, no?

    And you can't talk to other guys and he can. Because he says so.

    And he texts you about pleasuring himself. Isn't phone sex supposed to while talking and not texting?

    And this is your first relationship.

    I'm not trying to be a pessimist, but these are the problems as I see them. How much older is he than you, just curious?
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    Aug 21, 2009 4:09 AM GMT
    Damn, that's tough..!

    OP, I don't enjoy anal sex either and I can relate to what you're saying.. But a big dick really turns me on.

    I remember this one time I was a bit more prone to having anal when I was drunk... hit the club with him, have a few drinks then go home with him.

    Alcohol! Try that..

    Sometimes I think that the reason I don't enjoy anal sex is because I'm not too experienced sexually or I'm not 'athletic' enough to keep a hard on or get my butthole fucked. (just a thought.. lol)
  • kietkat

    Posts: 342

    Aug 21, 2009 4:49 AM GMT
    Sounds like too much for too little pay... if he's not into you why work so hard to make it so? No guy is worth going overboard like that.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Aug 21, 2009 4:57 AM GMT
    OP, you think YOU have problems...check out this pic of me and my new boyfriend, Rocko. Trust me, I feel your pain icon_wink.gif

    P8011543.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 21, 2009 5:17 AM GMT
    hey if you're not into it dont do it i was in the same situation the anal sex just isnt for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 21, 2009 5:34 AM GMT
    Don't feel alone if you don't like or want anal sex. Not everyone does and that's okay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 21, 2009 5:37 AM GMT
    Try amyl icon_smile.gif

    Otherwise, if anal isn't your thing and it is his thing then you've got to admit that (rather than keep trying to do something you're just not into) and deal with it from there.
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    Aug 21, 2009 8:27 AM GMT
    I agree with some of the other posters about maybe you thinking about moving on. If you really aren't into anal you shouldn't have to force yourself to be into it just to keep your relationship with this guy. Like other posters have already said, it's totally okay if you're not into anal, as it's simply not something that everyone is into (though I can't believe I'm seeing that trend here, of all places icon_eek.gif )

    Good luck with whatever course of action you decide to take!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 21, 2009 10:49 AM GMT
    This is the OP again. I am 29 and he is 33. He has been out since his youth, I am still in the coming out phase, at least with family.

    I can see myself ecventually enjoying anal, I like the smaller toys a lot. I'm going to bring up my concerns today. I'll keep you psted...
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Aug 21, 2009 7:39 PM GMT
    original714 saidI like the smaller toys a lot. I'm going to bring up my concerns today. I'll keep you psted...



    Yes, please do icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 21, 2009 7:43 PM GMT
    did you try different positions or is it always the same? It makes a difference. Find a position your comfortable with and find enjoyable.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Aug 21, 2009 7:59 PM GMT
    you got to relax. you are so stressed out about it you can't perform.
    relax relax relax. Take a nice warm bath together or a few showers and don't make it about sex. then one time when you are really feeling it.. go for it, but relax.....
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    Aug 22, 2009 12:35 PM GMT
    I think you have two issues. Sexual insecurity, which is very common, and a boyfriend whose penis is huge (a problem we should all have).

    A number of responses have dealt with the insecurity issue, but I'll say this. Part of building your confidence sexually is learning what you do and don't like. Now, that may require pushing your own boundaries from time to time, but if you continually try a sexual act or position and don't find it to your liking that's something you need to have your partner(s) respect. Articulating and having your partner respect your boundaries is a huge part of being sexually confident.

    Regarding anal. You seem to enjoy toys that are of a certain size. I think it' not so much an issue of you're not liking anal sex, but that your partner is a) too big and/or b) you're both unsure how to choose positions that can help you control the penetration. My suggestion is to try missionary (it helps to let the bottom control the depth of entry) or riding him (again, so you can control the entry). Beyond that, go slow!

    I have no idea of your partner's sexual prowess, but not every guy who wants to top knows how to do it well. In my experience, I've been with very well endowed guys who know how to help you relax, take their time warming you up, and by the time they're plowing away, you're in ecstasy. In contrast, I've been with less well endowed guys who just come at you like a jack hammer, which is no fun and potentially painful.

    Communication is very important in all of this. Don't be afraid to tell your partner what isn't working for you. If he can't or won't respect what you need, then it is time to move on.