Help getting over a long-lasting broken heart..

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 21, 2009 5:48 AM GMT
    Ok, I've been in love with a friend for over a year now. We were really close for months. I moved to another city but we kept on messaging almost daily for about 6 months. Feelings seemed to be reciprocate at his end too but it turned out he is.. err, STRAIGHT (apparently). We met again this year, I opened up to him and that's what he tells me.
    At first he seemed to be ok with it but then he started fading me out. We had a really nasty fight and the whole thing became too crazy to recover.
    Nothing sexual happened with him but we did have all the emotional stages of a long lasting relationship - reason why I feel jaded today.
    Now, he's moved on completely, he ignores my contacts, etc. He pretty much dropped me like a bad habit.
    Anyway, this turned out to be something platonic and I really fell for it.

    It's been 6 months now and I still feel like shit. I lose focus at work, can't really concentrate on anything for too long, etc. The thought of it keeps popping in my head.
    I've had sex with other guys in the meantime, really put an effort into moving on but the guy just lingers in my head.

    What should I do? Is it time for therapy yet? Please be gentle.

    EXTRA INFO:
    There's a small misunderstanding about the guy:

    Well, he totally led me on. There were hints for me to think he was gay too. For instance he never had a girl while we were hanging out, and there was a lot of horsing around during the after parties. We spent whole days/weekends together. Basically we behaved like a couple for a while but I never acted on it because I didn't know if he was or not. When I moved away he kept messaging sweet 'gayish' messages.
    He's very 'iffy' when it comes to his sexual orientation. Even his friends make comments that he's never in a relationship even though girls throw themselves at him, he avoids girls many times as in he does just enough to get by.

    AND that's why I let myself into the mess..
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    Aug 21, 2009 6:05 AM GMT
    Wow,
    Sorry to read that. It usually helps to talk to someone - so give it a go. Unreciprocated love/friendship hurts. Therapy sounds like a good option if you are still distracted. Also, talk to your friends. Engage yourself in other healthy activities.
    Hope you feel better.
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    Aug 21, 2009 6:10 AM GMT
    David96 said Please be gentle.


    I love being told this. icon_surprised.gif Short answer: wanting a straight guy (acceptance, sex, whatever) is like wanting Bradgelina's bank balance. You'll want it for a while, but not too long because...come on, and you'll get over it.

    It sounds like you are missing what he never gave you (acceptance, validation) rather than the person. If so, don't seek that from other people. You'll never be 100% ok with your situation until you can provide that for your self. No old raggedy straight guy can give you that.

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    Aug 21, 2009 7:49 AM GMT
    It's been 6 months..! I've had ups and downs but I want to get rid of it..
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    Aug 21, 2009 1:45 PM GMT
    You need to first accept the fact that it's not ever going to happen. Then, start thinking about how ez it was for him to drop you "like a bad habit" and use that, in addition to his many faults and ways that he's simply NOT good for you (ie. he's straight for one). Oh and delete his contact info from your phone and email.
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    Aug 21, 2009 1:55 PM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    David96 said Please be gentle.


    I love being told this. icon_surprised.gif Short answer: wanting a straight guy (acceptance, sex, whatever) is like wanting Bradgelina's bank balance. You'll want it for a while, but not too long because...come on, and you'll get over it.

    It sounds like you are missing what he never gave you (acceptance, validation) rather than the person. If so, don't seek that from other people. You'll never be 100% ok with your situation until you can provide that for your self. No old raggedy straight guy can give you that.



    GuiltyGear is right. Stop living in fantasyland. What did you expect the straight guy to do--become gay just for you??

    It hurts, but you'll get over it as soon as you realize that YOU set yourself up.

    MOVE ON!!! HAPPY HEALING!
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    Aug 21, 2009 2:56 PM GMT
    Ok first of all - let's get some points straight (no pun intended).

    1/ He's straight - he will never turn gay - not even bi - reading from your ad - get this to your head and move on. (he loves pussy honey, not dick).

    2/ Be less obsessive and clingy about wanting to sleep/fuck with straight guys in general - be their friends - not wanting to Turn or Convert Them - I mean come on, there are cute, cool gay guys out there, too.

    3/ You need to focus and get back to your professional life - unless you want to get fired, broke and be on the street.

    4/ Do not contact him, I repeat - Stop contacting him - it makes you look like a Stalker now - take his hints and move on.

    5/ Talk to either a therapist, a close BFF (male or female), make some new friends, do some hobbies, keep yourself (mind, body, soul) healthy - try to meet new gay guys - the best way to mend a broken heart is to find someone that love you back. icon_biggrin.gif

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    Aug 21, 2009 3:13 PM GMT
    I had strong feelings for a straight guy (similar to your situation) back in college. He was on my H20-polo team and I was so infatuated by him. I was crushing badly for a year or so. We were good friends, and he saw me as just that - - "good friends". There is no way he could have seen me as more - - - he just wasn't wired that way. I had to learn that no matter how hot I thought I was - there was absolutely no way I was going to make him want me, the way I wanted him.

    Hopefully you'll come to the same realization - - - and then someday - when you're happily in a good place in your life - - you'll meet someone really special - someone who is wired for YOU.icon_cool.gif
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Aug 21, 2009 3:21 PM GMT
    The longer you allow yourself to wallow in it and obsess about it, the longer you will hurt. There is a great big difference between someone not being attracted to you because they are just not that into you and someone not being attracted to you because they are straight. Take comfort in the fact that you could be any guy and he STILL wouldn't be attracted to you. It has nothing at all to do with YOU personally other than that you are a guy, and he's just not into guys -- period. You can wallow in it until the end of time if you want, but at the end of the day he will still be straight, so it all adds up to a lot of time wasted feeling miserable on your part. Force yourself to stop wallowing and obsessing and each day will get easier. I know that is easier said than done. I just came through a broken heart stage of my life as well -- lasted about 2 or 3 months -- but I let myself wallow in it for a time and all that really did was extend my misery. I finally reached a point where I just said enough is enough, I have to move on, and I forced myself to do that. I'm through it now and back to normal. It just takes time, but you do come through it.
  • calibro

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    Aug 21, 2009 3:34 PM GMT
    Apparently straight? Nothing you said made me think it could be otherwise. You put this on yourself. You fell for a straight guy, told him, and then he freaked out. I would do the same thing if one of my female friends told me she liked me. You don't cross that line unless you want the relationship to change, usually in an end.

    Secondly, you should talk to someone about this. You're pining over a guy you never even dated. That isn't healthy. It's a sucky situation to be in, but if you're still obsessed with your straight friend 6 months after, there's something deeper inside of you that needs to be addressed.
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    Aug 21, 2009 3:45 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidI know that is easier said than done. I just came through a broken heart stage of my life as well -- lasted about 2 or 3 months -- but I let myself wallow in it for a time and all that really did was extend my misery. I finally reached a point where I just said enough is enough, I have to move on, and I forced myself to do that. I'm through it now and back to normal. It just takes time, but you do come through it.



    What? Someone broke your heart, Curious? You seem more like the one who would be breaking hearts. He must be crazy to let you slip away.
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    Aug 21, 2009 3:48 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidThe longer you allow yourself to wallow in it and obsess about it, the longer you will hurt. There is a great big difference between someone not being attracted to you because they are just not that into you and someone not being attracted to you because they are straight. Take comfort in the fact that you could be any guy and he STILL wouldn't be attracted to you. It has nothing at all to do with YOU personally other than that you are a guy, and he's just not into guys -- period. You can wallow in it until the end of time if you want, but at the end of the day he will still be straight, so it all adds up to a lot of time wasted feeling miserable on your part. Force yourself to stop wallowing and obsessing and each day will get easier. I know that is easier said than done. I just came through a broken heart stage of my life as well -- lasted about 2 or 3 months -- but I let myself wallow in it for a time and all that really did was extend my misery. I finally reached a point where I just said enough is enough, I have to move on, and I forced myself to do that. I'm through it now and back to normal. It just takes time, but you do come through it.


    CuriousJockAZ is right. And, judging from his new pics, I think he's healing just fine. icon_biggrin.gif Congrats, CuriousJockAZ!
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Aug 21, 2009 4:39 PM GMT
    Thank you, but no one is immuned to heartache. A day doesn't go by when I don't think about him, and he will probably always own a piece of my heart, but it didn't workout...what can I say...you have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on. It was more about him being in a place in his life, and the fact that we lived so far apart, that maintaining a relationship was just too difficult. We had great chemistry, but the timing just wasn't right...doesn't necessarily mean there were not strong feelings there. Love isn't enough sometimes.


    (Thanks, BMG )
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    Aug 21, 2009 4:52 PM GMT
    David96 saidFeelings seemed to be reciprocate at his end too but it turned out he is.. err, STRAIGHT (apparently).

    What should I do? Is it time for therapy yet? Please be gentle.



    Been there, done that. Falling for a straight guy is a recipe for disaster and an exercise in frustration. Walk away and don't look back.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 21, 2009 4:58 PM GMT
    Now, he's moved on completely, he ignores my contacts, etc. He pretty much dropped me like a bad habit.
    Anyway, this turned out to be something platonic and I really fell for it.


    That's the whole story in a nut shell
    He's dropped you as you said ... like a bad habit

    Why? Because you fell for someone who was str8
    Now .... you wanna keep inflicting the same mental anguish on yourself for the rest of your life
    Go right ahead .... it's not going to change a dam thing
    When you think of this guy
    Remember him for what a nice friend he was ..... Don't allow the what if's The maybe we'll see's because they are all bogus

    Sorry for being so blunt but even this thread is self-defeating
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 21, 2009 5:04 PM GMT
    I think you've answered your own question. Yes, it's time to see a therapist. Six months of feeling this way is too long given the relationship.
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    Aug 21, 2009 6:00 PM GMT

    Thanks for the replies. There's a small misunderstanding about the guy:

    Well, he totally led me on. There were hints for me to think he was gay too. For instance he never had a girl while we were hanging out, and there was a lot of horsing around during the after parties. We spent whole days/weekends together. Basically we behaved like a couple for a while but I never acted on it because I didn't know if he was or not. When I moved away he kept messaging sweet 'gayish' messages.
    He's very 'iffy' when it comes to his sexual option. Even his friends make comments that he's never in a relationship even though girls throw themselves at them, he avoids girls many times as in he does just enough not to get 'caught'.

    AND that's why I let myself into the mess..



  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Aug 21, 2009 6:01 PM GMT
    I recommend renting the movie "He's Just Not That In To You" for some clarity.
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    Aug 21, 2009 6:23 PM GMT
    What you describe sounds like depression.

    My experience with the devil of depression tells me that the cause is usually not what it seems to be. If my depression looks to me like it was caused by a relationship misfire maybe that is true and maybe it isn't.

    Depression is an illness. It is surely appropriate and wise to get help for depression. The sooner the better would be my feeling.

    Sorry your appeal for gentleness was ignored, I'd of thought people around here would be more sensitive (nah I didn't really).

    My opinion is that perceived gender roles make no difference whatsoever. Love does not care about Gay, straight, hetero, homo, trans, or any of that. I don't agree with anyone who says that a Gay man cannot be in love with a straight man, straight woman, etc. The converse is most certainly true. Straight men fall in love with Gay men, it does happen.

    The relationship you describe is an unconsummated love affair. Your not at all crazy for thinking that.

    From your description it sounds like your friend is suffering through a lot of confusion of his own. It is nearly impossible to feel through the fog of misinformation about gender roles. That he has withdrawn isn't too surprising.

    The thing is, it takes two to shake hands. If he has resigned then that is totally beyond your power. Yes, it hurts immensely and it is perfectly appropriate to feel pained about it for as long as necessary.

    When the pain spills over into depression then it is time to take some action. I say that because we really only have one life to live and depression is a fucking thief. It takes away possibilities and opportunities to feel joy. We deserve better than that, but we have to treat ourselves well if we want anyone else to.

    Terry
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    Aug 21, 2009 6:54 PM GMT
    Ursa's suggestion about you being depressed is a great possibility.

    Your body chemistry changed while you were with this guy. It's involuntary, and has little to do with choices, wisdom, inattentiveness. You appear to be the susceptible kind (a large percentage of the population is). This could happen to you with a girl. The symptoms are similar to addiction.

    Talk to a therapist. See if they refer you to a medical professional, who can recommend anti-depressants.
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Aug 21, 2009 7:46 PM GMT
    The new info that the guy totally led you on (unless you were reading more into his messages than was warranted) kind of changes things a bit. Still, if he is not responding now he probably isn't interested. The suggestion to seek some professional therapy is a good one. Sometimes it helps to talk to an objective third party to clear things up and help you move on.
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    Aug 22, 2009 2:28 PM GMT
    OP speaking:

    Thanks for the messages. And yes, I'm depressed..!

    I've had a rough year and my situation with this guy probably triggered the depression mode.

    I've been through all the pain and the worst stage is gone. Now it's more about this nostagic feeling and the nasty scar left by the whole situation (which is still very hurtful).

    I'm heading towards an up stage of my life again. I just wanted to forget about this guy so I can enjoy it fully.
    Anyway, I have a couple of trips planned and some other plans going on. I'll give it a couple of months before I consider treatments (therapy, medicine, etc). It is very difficult though..
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    Aug 22, 2009 6:07 PM GMT
    The first thing for you to know is that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. This kind of thing-- unrequited love that turns into a lingering, melancholy obsession-- is extremely common. Straight men get it for women, straight women for men, gay women for women (gay and straight), gay men for men (gay and straight). It's a rough place to be but you will get over it; everybody does.

    That said, there are some things that are specific to the gay-man-in-love-with-a-straight-man scenario. Often the intense feelings for a straight man are fueled by some sort of unresolved "issues" about your relations with straight men in general-- maybe your father and/or brother(s). Often a gay man is looking for the validation, approval, respect and/or affection that he didn't get from crucial men at crucial moments in his development as a child/adolescent. These things can be very, very deep and central and, in many cases, largely unconscious.

    You should definitely get some good talk therapy. Once a week for 3-4 months should provide some real insight. After that, with the counsel of your therapist, you will be able to decide about whether to proceed with medication and/or a different or more intensive form of therapy. You will probably talk mostly about your current feelings about the straight guy at first; over time, however, you will be more able to focus on some of the underlying issues that got you in this predicament in the first place (see above). As you think more and more about those questions and become more and more clear about what is really at stake (i.e., it's not really about him per se, even though it seems to be), your obsession with the guy will fade more and more into the background.

    It's important to get a good therapist. If you know anyone who has been to a local therapist and has a good experience, that's your best bet. If you have a doctor or a clergyman you know and trust, that's another good place to get a recommendation. Check credentials: the person should either have a PhD in pyschology or be an MSW/LICSW. If it doesn't feel right after two or three sessions, keep shopping. In your case, a man will probably suit your needs better than a woman (make your own decision on that).

    In addition to the professional help, take care of yourself physically: work out hard and regularly, get plenty of sleep, eat well. Maybe take up a new sport (for example, combat sports like boxing and wrestling can provide tremendous psychological as well as physical benefits-- release of aggression, increased feelings of manliness, etc.). Be in close touch with friends and family and see them as often as is feasible but resist the temptation to drown your sorrows in sex/dating (which can do more harm than good in your situation).

    This is rough stuff but you will be fine in the end; keep telling yourself that. In fact, if you do the work, you will know yourself better and end up as a stronger, happier person on the other side of it. Hang in there!

    P.S. Do cut all ties to the straight guy. If he had left the door open for contact, that would be one thing. But he has made his position clear and your continuing to contact him would definitely be stalking. Won't get you anywhere with him (on the contrary) and will leave you feeling foolish and ashamed, which just another unpleasant ingredient to the mix.

    P.P. S. If you are struggling with obsessive thoughts, practice some basic "redirection" techniques: every time he pops into your head, just say (either aloud or in your head) the word "no"; repeat several times until the thought of him has receded. Or wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it (hard) every time you think of him as a reminder *not* to think of him. Over time, little tricks like that can help redirect your thoughts. Not a cure but helpful in terms of keeping the problem at a more managable level.
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    Aug 22, 2009 7:04 PM GMT
    Well, there is a lot of good advice in the posts above. I recently broke up with my partner of four years and have been nurturing a broken heart for a few months.

    I would say to really get into yourself - apart from any thought of him. Think about what you deserve in a relationship. What you have been through isn't what you deserve, and yes, you played a part in it.

    Don't you think you deserve somone who is already out and comfortable with who they are? I would tend to beleive that only then can they give of themselves to you.

    Another thing to consider: when you are working on your own mind, body and spirit you tend to radiate what's going on inside you - and attract what you're looking for in a partner.

    Just be your (confident) self, and watch what happens. icon_smile.gif

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    Aug 23, 2009 4:23 PM GMT
    OP speaking:

    Guys, thanks for all the help, really. There are plenty of insightful comments. Valuable help from experienced nice guys that is just not available anywhere else. =)

    Ok, yesterday for the first time I broke down and CRIED. And it was so relieving. I got out of a club, started driving around the city and cried like a baby about the situation for the very first tme..

    I'm not sure what it means but I feel a little better. It's like I finally blew off some steam from my broken heart. Time for healing maybe..