Second thoughts?

  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    Aug 22, 2009 9:02 AM GMT
    I have a bit of a crisis going on here, and I'm just going to come out (that doesn't help at all) and say it.

    Have any of you ever had second thoughts about if you really are gay? Maybe you were starting to develop and interest in women/girls again? Or maybe there is one particular woman/girl who you have always had an interest in before/after you knew you were gay?

    That's what's going on with me. There is this girl from back when I turned 16 on whom I had (or at least I thought I had but now still have) a huge crush on. The furthest I ever got with her was being one of her best friends, me being shy and all. When I was 17, she ended up going out with this other guy, and I hoped that their relationship would soon end so that I'd swoop in and comfort her and possibly ask her out at some point. But that day never seemed to come. So I considered her a closed chapter of my straight crushes.

    At 18 I finally came to terms with my sexuality which had been hidden inside since I was 12. That way I felt that there is no way that I will have to consider her again plus explore what I thought felt right to me. Don't get me wrong, I didn't tell myself that I'm gay as an excuse to forget her, it just came as an added bonus if you will. Hence she became the final straight crush I'd ever have. So I get to live a whole year with a clean slate. When I turned 19 I found out she had broken up from her 2 year relationship with that other guy, and the only effect it had on me was that I should comfort her, but nothing else, not the slightest hint of attraction.

    It is only now somehow that feeling are re-emerging for her, and it is scaring me. After having finally confirmed what I had been asking myself for 7 years, I suddenly feel open to change. Completely confused. And to make matters worse I already have a boyfriend. What's weird is that I don't have attraction for many girls, just this one again, who I feel made quite an impact on my life, even though she didn't really do anything. I just feel like I want to love her so badly and make everything all right for her.

    I don't know where to turn to.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Aug 22, 2009 12:57 PM GMT
    It looks like you could be bisexual.

    You don't have to place yourself in polar opposites when it comes to sexuality. It appears the labels of "gay" and "straight" have bogged you down and created some confusion. Free yourself and love, in a sexual intimate way, whomever you wish.

    Having said that, the real problem is that you are already in a committed relationship. So you have to ask yourself if she is more right for you than your current beau. If you are content in your current relationship with your guy, and you're emotionally satisfied with him, I'd say forget about pursuing her as a lover.

    Also ask yourself what is the real attraction. You should probably ask yourself this first. Is it sexual or just emotional? You may be confusing an opportunity for a great friendship with the opportunity for a great lover.

    Friendship is also a form of an intimate relationship. The feeling you have of wanting to "love her so badly and make everything all right for her" is something good friends possess. You don't have to be her boyfriend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 22, 2009 5:17 PM GMT
    Don't worry about labels. Be who you are. If you feel a connection with a woman, then have your connection and when appropriate, have sex with her. The same should be said about men though.

    Our world is too caught up in labeling sexual attraction, a human phenomenon that is infinitely more complex than the binary it proposes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 22, 2009 5:19 PM GMT
    I've been going through this lately myself. I've always known I was gay, for as long as I can remember. But, as I get older, I find myself less and less interested in the idea of a relationship with a man. I'm definitely still attracted to men sexually, but I'm very doubtful that a good, healthy, non-dysfunctional gay relationship is even possible for me.

    And, at the same time, I find myself more interested in women - and less interested in men. I have a hard time imagining myself "switching" to women at this point in my life. I think what's more likely to happen is that I'll probably become somewhat (more) asexual. I've also discovered that, coincidentally or not, as I deal with, and put to bed, some long-standing personal issues, my attachment to my gay sexuality weakens. It's hard to really describe, but I almost feel like I'm "growing out of" my sexuality.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 22, 2009 5:26 PM GMT
    tahoejock saidI've been going through this lately myself. I've always known I was gay, for as long as I can remember. But, as I get older, I find myself less and less interested in the idea of a relationship with a man. I'm definitely still attracted to men sexually, but I'm very doubtful that a good, healthy, non-dysfunctional gay relationship is even possible for me.

    And, at the same time, I find myself more interested in women - and less interested in men. I have a hard time imagining myself "switching" to women at this point in my life. I think what's more likely to happen is that I'll probably become somewhat (more) asexual. I've also discovered that, coincidentally or not, as I deal with, and put to bed, some long-standing personal issues, my attachment to my gay sexuality weakens. It's hard to really describe, but I almost feel like I'm "growing out of" my sexuality.


    I think that's different. The OP sounds as if he's bisexual. You seem to be more into women simply because you haven't found the right guy yet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 22, 2009 5:31 PM GMT
    calibro saidI think that's different. The OP sounds as if he's bisexual. You seem to be more into women simply because you haven't found the right guy yet.


    Not true at all. I've tried making gay relationships work, and they do for a while, but there's just something missing. I've seen it my own relationships, as well as those of my gay friends. I've never been interested in women, almost the opposite. Yet as I get older, I can't deny that I find women more attractive and appealing. Sure, I haven't found the right guy yet (obviously!), but that's hardly the reason I'm finding women more attractive.

    I sympathize with the OP's feelings of confusion and uncertainty, that's all, for whatever reason.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 22, 2009 5:58 PM GMT
    I did something similar when I first came out. But you know what made up my mind? Talking to actual women.

    You are a sweet young thing. Don't worry about labels and explore your sexuality. Life is about experiencing this world, not about neatly checking off a box on a questionnaire.

    Have fun. Play safe.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 22, 2009 6:17 PM GMT
    In the past few years I've had some fleeting attractions to a few women (usually 'celebrities' that I get a crush on), and I'll even fantasize about them.

    But I still identify as gay. I enjoy dating men more. I feel akward with the thought of dating women, and despite the few fantasies I think about guys 99.9% of the time.

    I would echo the advice here... don't think too much about it. If you meet a charming person, regardless of their gender, why not explore it? If you're sexually attracted to them, go for it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 22, 2009 6:27 PM GMT
    Mutty said I just feel like I want to love her so badly and make everything all right for her.

    I don't know where to turn to.
    Listen to yourself.

    http://www.saskworld.com/bodymindspirit/edition8/19_article_puri.htmInn my counseling practice, I have observed that along with consistently being "unhappy" with their relationships, rescuers also: (1) feel responsible for others by constantly trying to make things always go right and smoothly for them; (2) believe in unquestioning loyalty to their friends and families thereby negating their own needs and feelings; (3) harbor a deep-seated need to be needed and will avoid any actions which may hurt someone's feelings, even if it means not speaking their truth; (4) fear rejection and use rescuing as an insurance policy to protect against it; and (5) justify their fear-based actions by claiming that they are motivated by their "love of or caring for" the other.
  • MattyC0709

    Posts: 1199

    Aug 26, 2009 7:35 AM GMT
    Nah I can't be bisexual, after all it's just this one particular girl that I like. And besides, I don't want to be caught up in confusion with both guys and girls, I'd rather be straight or gay, nowhere in between. I guess something similar to what tahoejock is going through is what bothered me, as in finding it extremely difficult to "switch" everything around again after I've come so far and accepted who I am. I guess it is just my longing for a great friendship with her that is causing me to feel this way. If anything it would be wrong to just start up anything with her, and then be completely confused, and worse, possibly reject her because I really am gay. I might as well just tell her that I'm gay so that I won't be able to get into this issue any further.

    Thanks guys. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 26, 2009 10:44 AM GMT

    You know, Mutty, it sounds like you love her but are likely not 'in love' with her, as that would entail a lot of physical urges that you'd use your right hand as release over. In other words, sexual attraction to the point of having no doubts.

    Loving her also means considering what would be best for her; a bi guy or a straight guy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 26, 2009 11:58 AM GMT
    Mutty,

    You're a nice sweet guy, and you want to take care of her. You feel a real emotional bond with her. That may or may not have anything to do with sexuality. You stated that it's only her and not other women. Just be honest with yourself, and also make sure not to do anything that would hurt your boyfriend.