The dating of guys less than "Perfect" by gay standards

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 22, 2009 6:08 PM GMT
    I keep seeing all the forum topics from picky whiners (including myself) that complain about it being SO HARD TO DATE (ie: he texts to much, he texts too little, he's too tall, he's too short, he's not muscular enough, he's not thin enough, he's too feminine, he's too in the closet, he's too controlling, etc...)

    Or they complain that they themselves are NOT PERFECT (ie: I need to lose 3 lbs, I need to lose 30 lbs, I'm a hard-gainer, I'm a hard fat-loser, I'm too hairy, I'm too short, I'm too tall, etc...)

    But with all this nit-picking it made me think of how difficult it might be for guys who are extremely less than "perfect" by "traditional gay standards".

    The guys out there that are in wheelchairs, limb amputees, severe body burns, etc...

    Are there any guys here in this situation that can speak to their dating experiences? Or any guys that have dated guys in this situation...

    Again, not intended to offend, I'm guilty of the nit-picking as well. And I'm also guilty of over analyzing my body at times. I just wanted to hear from other on this.
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    Aug 24, 2009 11:20 AM GMT
    Well.. I once dated a guy who was soo not perfect. I was ok with that in the beginning even though it was hard for me because my previous boyfriends had always looked good. I know I sound superficial but I'm just being honest here - everyone likes to show off their new boyfriend. When you introduce a hot boyfriend to your friends, it makes YOU feel even more hot.
    So I was struggling with myself when I started dating the not-so-perfect guy but I was always nice to him, always supported him in every way. I have to say I was a good boyfriend!
    However... the problem was not me, it was him - he didn't like himself at all. He had self esteem problems and it showed. You just can't be with someone who literally hates himself... it just doesn't work even if you are willing to overcome his imperfections.
  • junknemesis

    Posts: 682

    Aug 24, 2009 11:26 AM GMT
    I haven't dated anyone really. However I have had feelings for guys who were the type that normally most girls wouldn't give them a second glance. One of which is actually a skinny, greasy-haired geek with a mild acne problem. Physically he's not that hansom, but he's a great person. I guess I can look deeper then the surface (although I admit I look at that too).

    But when I get to know these guys, and how great they are, an unpolished surface begins to shine for me. My only lament is that the guys I fall for are always straight, or the one gay guy I fell for is always too busy with work to ever hang out. I understand and respect that, but I wouldn't mind having more time to develop a good friendship.
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    Aug 24, 2009 1:20 PM GMT
    Since "Gay Standards" are both arbitrary and and wildly variable dependent on the individual, I prefer my own specifics which have nothing to do with being gay except for the fact that the perfect man must in fact be a man (as apposed to a woman or child.)

    As it stands, my standards have resulted in an incredible romance. So it seems that my standards were both prudent and realistic in spite of naysayers in the past who's sarcastic "Good Luck!" wishes were easily ignored.
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    Aug 24, 2009 2:12 PM GMT
    We make so many things a gay issue. It is quite odd.

    How do you think amputees and burn victims do on the straight dating circuit?
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    Aug 24, 2009 2:19 PM GMT
    There is nothing wrong with being fussy in this area of one's life. Keeping a relationship going can be tough at times even when the guy seems to have everything you want in a partner. I have seen people's lives damaged, even ruined by picking the wrong life partner and sticking with the relationship. So nit pick away guys!
  • gymguy81

    Posts: 455

    Aug 24, 2009 2:26 PM GMT
    i dont think im picky as i use to be but i do have requirements unfortunely im not in the right area. for the guys i like
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    Aug 24, 2009 2:31 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidWe make so many things a gay issue. It is quite odd.

    How do you think amputees and burn victims do on the straight dating circuit?


    Zombie makes a good point; everyone has personal standards gay or straight. There are more miserable straight people due to their dating standards. It just seems gay guys bitch about it more, probably since they are; for the most part, not allowed to marry.

    So guys stop bitching and start dating, ugly or hot. I mean I've seen some really hot women with really ugly guys. So don't kick a dawg when he's already down, put a smile on his face and date him. For me I ll just keep kicking then. lol.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Aug 24, 2009 3:40 PM GMT
    It's ok to have an open mind when meeting a new guy, but just because a guy has a deformity or malady doesn't mean they are a decent human being. I was in an LTR for over 5 yrs with a guy that had an everyday apparent disfigurement from botched cosmetic surgery(the surgery was to correct something that was congenital).

    I think it kind of blinded me to the fact that in all honesty he was pretty much a jerk that only cared about himself, but he could play people by having them for sorry for him. I remember during the first year of dating him I would get this feeling of apprehension and wasn't sure if he was for me, or my type of guy. But then I would say to myself it was only because of the cosmetic issue and I was being shallow.
  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    Aug 24, 2009 4:46 PM GMT
    I have seen bodybuilders (at least online) who were wheelchair bound. I would have no problem dating one if the chemistry were right.
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    Aug 24, 2009 6:44 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidIt's ok to have an open mind when meeting a new guy, but just because a guy has a deformity or malady doesn't mean they are a decent human being. I was in an LTR for over 5 yrs with a guy that had an everyday apparent disfigurement from botched cosmetic surgery(the surgery was to correct something that was congenital).

    I think it kind of blinded me to the fact that in all honesty he was pretty much a jerk that only cared about himself, but he could play people by having them for sorry for him. I remember during the first year of dating him I would get this feeling of apprehension and wasn't sure if he was for me, or my type of guy. But then I would say to myself it was only because of the cosmetic issue and I was being shallow.


    Thanks for this Celtic, this was the type of response I wanted to hear. Funny how it all comes down to the guy being a jerk, no matter what is physical appearance is. There must have been good qualities there if you initially fell for him and made it to 5 years.

    I hung out with a guy one that had severe burns on his hand/arm. It only became an issue with me when he was self conscious of it, tried to keep it out of view as much as possible. I didn't think twice about it until the times I saw him doing that. It did make me think if it would stop me from dating him, but turns out he was just overall boring to me (conversation wise) and mostly interested in messing around. So we never really hit it off.
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    Aug 24, 2009 6:48 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidWe make so many things a gay issue. It is quite odd.

    How do you think amputees and burn victims do on the straight dating circuit?


    LOL well I only made it a "gay issue" here because, *ahem*, this is a gay site...But I see your point. I guess because I'm gay I just see the hyper image conscious gay lifestyle more than the image conscious straight lifestyle. Or maybe it's because the heteros have so many more options that I ask the question...Like its not as big of a deal for them because they have a larger lake to fish in....
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    Aug 25, 2009 3:19 PM GMT
    Chemistry is everything. I have fallen for guys my friends would refer to as "hideous"... On the other hand I have tried to fall in love with someone who was perfect but the chemistry wasn't happening. I think a deformity could be overlooked if the person had something else..that rocked my world.. I loved a guy once who's style of gum chewing is what did it for me....go figure..
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    Aug 25, 2009 3:45 PM GMT
    I can tell you with full certainty that I am in no way as picky as I used to be, nor do I place value on the same things I used to.

    Don't get me wrong, The younger, "cookie cutter" hottie boys are enough to turn my head, and anyone else's (who has a pulse). I appreciate them though for the effort they put into looking great, and, although I am far from perfect, I realize too that with some effort I can look "pretty damn good" as can anyone who decides to do so.

    I started changing my view of guys after a relationship of 2.5 years went down the drain thanks to my extremely attractive (yes, pretty) partner deciding he wanted a fling, and then to come back, only to run me through the ringer once again in an effort to "find himself". It was then that I remembered a story from some old children's books about a kid who made sure he got the biggest pie ahead of the other kids, only to bite into it and find out it was hollow, there was no sweet filling - just bland crust and a lot of it. I was struck by how that so effectively IS our society (not just gay) in general. We are often sold a lie and we all too often buy it, with disastrous results.

    I then took a look at myself. How was I the guy I wanted? The tough answer was "You're not". So I began by being brutally honest and examining myself from the inside out and committing to changing what I found in myself but that I did not appreciate. Not the least of it was my willingness to "buy the lie". My result is that I have and am continually becoming the man I want to be and I love myself like never in my life. I got rid of all of the wreckage of the past, let go of grudges and trying to compensate for deficiencies that do not exist. I quit listening to the world and steeled my determination to never, ever let anyone make me feel "less than" again. The hard reality for some to accept is that each human being is a masterpiece in their own right, and it's harder still to BE that masterpiece and realize that you take up a "Brian-shaped space" in this world (or whatever your first name is). What you choose to fill that space with is up to you.

    While we all have a type, I guess my question here is; "Why do we not value each other as people" and be positive toward one another as opposed to sitting in nit-picking, haughty judgment. Even the alleged "perfect" guys are not. One thing I blame is the over-sexualization of our media and advertising for our becoming increasingly shallow and judgmental. Put another way, there's a reason guys like me do not end up on pin-up calendars... and I am just fine with that.

    In the past, I have gone on dates with less than perfect people, and one ex-boyfriend (#2 of 3) was far less than perfect physically (by the stupid cookie cutter standards) but was a thoughtful, wonderful person whom I lost to drugs. Taking time to get to know less than perfect people has given me the enriching experience of meeting new and fascinating people and a small but amazing circle of friends.

    As to dating now, it's all about chemistry for me. Great looks might open the door, but it will take a lot more to be allowed in. And if I end up meeting someone and clicking with him who is maybe "too short" or lacks a 6 pack, so be it. There is and remains NO substitute for the feeling of having someone hold your hand in public and that amazing feeling - I have a message for you, if he HAS to be "hot" physically for you to do that then you will never feel that feeling and I am most sorry for you.
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    Aug 25, 2009 4:41 PM GMT
    BrianOSU2000 saidI can tell you with full certainty that I am in no way as picky as I used to be, nor do I place value on the same things I used to.

    Don't get me wrong, The younger, "cookie cutter" hottie boys are enough to turn my head, and anyone else's (who has a pulse). I appreciate them though for the effort they put into looking great, and, although I am far from perfect, I realize too that with some effort I can look "pretty damn good" as can anyone who decides to do so.
    ...................................................

    I wish there were more people to think that way. icon_smile.gif
    And you are right about the media... the idea of being the same as the people on TV and in underwear adds has taken over. The world has gone mad...
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    Aug 25, 2009 4:49 PM GMT
    bgcat57 saidSince "Gay Standards" are both arbitrary and and wildly variable dependent on the individual, I prefer my own specifics which have nothing to do with being gay except for the fact that the perfect man must in fact be a man (as apposed to a woman or child.)

    As it stands, my standards have resulted in an incredible romance. So it seems that my standards were both prudent and realistic in spite of naysayers in the past who's sarcastic "Good Luck!" wishes were easily ignored.


    This is just one more example of what makes you the most amazing man on the planet for me. It took me a long time to find you - and I'm glad I stuck to my standards and was patient. You were well worth waiting for. icon_cool.gif