"HIV status" on RJ profile. Is this appropriate?

  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Aug 24, 2009 4:36 AM GMT
    What is the point of asking this question on the RJ profile?

    I can maybe understand the "safer sex" question....but to me, the status question is out of line on the profile.

    Maybe I am missing something....what exactly is the point?
    To find common ground?

    Enlighten me please.

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    Aug 24, 2009 4:45 AM GMT
    It doesn't bother me. I assume it's there in case people are using the site to hook up or look for a partner. It's not mandatory that one answer it. Similarly, they ask about safer sex. I didn't answer that one because, though I don't use condoms anymore, my BF and I have been together for 8 years and both tested before going bare.
  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Aug 24, 2009 4:48 AM GMT
    Hmmmm....

    Yes I agree about the safer sex question. But still don't understand the HIV question on a site like this.

    How do you think it is interpreted if the HIV question is just left blank on a guy's profile?
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    Aug 24, 2009 4:52 AM GMT
    I haven't personally answered either of the questions.. mostly because the question I think, doesn't need to be asked, if I'm interested in a guy and something will happen, I'll ask and either way, he and I will both be wearing protection anyway.

    I often wonder the point of it, but, then, I am not fussed by a guy with HIV, I wouldn't sleep with anyone who doesn't give me a instinctive desire to trust them.
  • superboy32

    Posts: 48

    Aug 24, 2009 4:59 AM GMT
    Allot of guys use this site as a tool to pick up other guys and the question of H.I.V. status is one that is important to those seeking a friend, partner or hook up. Although irrelevant to some, some find this offensive and uncalled for and none of someone's business. Unfortunately to publicly and intentionally post on a site by choice is to follow the RJ rules. People can choose to leave the box blank and that is usually considered as a warning of a possible positive guy. The status could be extracted leaving the question to be personally asked, although it makes it a convenient search option.

    Everyone should just be happy and chill..............
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    Aug 24, 2009 5:03 AM GMT
    I have to agree with both lilTanker and Silverfox1. I don't see the need for it on RJ. I think all guys should be on equal footing as far as just getting to know each other. That status thing is a very personal question and from what I see in the forums it looks to always be a bit of a flame war waiting to happen. I realize that you don't have to check that box, but I feel it would be better left off. Just my humble opinion.
  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Aug 24, 2009 5:19 AM GMT
    superboy32 saidAllot of guys use this site as a tool to pick up other guys and the question of H.I.V. status is one that is important to those seeking a friend, partner or hook up. Although irrelevant to some, some find this offensive and uncalled for and none of someone's business. Unfortunately to publicly and intentionally post on a site by choice is to follow the RJ rules. People can choose to leave the box blank and that is usually considered as a warning of a possible positive guy. The status could be extracted leaving the question to be personally asked, although it makes it a convenient search option.

    Everyone should just be happy and chill..............


    Yes the "leave the box blank" dilemma....
    As you said, leaving the box blank is "usually considered a warning of a possible positive guy". Or I think it can be interpreted as someone who is not being honest and upfront. I considered leaving it blank when I did my profile....because I hated the question! But I didn't want to be misinterpreted either.

    Hey Superboy unfortunately (or fortunately) we don't have "that convenient search option" when we go to bars or go out to dinner or meet someone at the gym.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2009 5:34 AM GMT
    HIV status affects major portions of your life, from the meds you take on a daily basis to the gyms you might feel comfortable using. When a guy is first starting out on any HIV med regimen, the drugs can do really screwed up things, and it helps to be able to find guys that have gone through it and know what the limitations are of the effects and how to deal with them... that said, it is a part of our culture, and until its eradicated, i think you'll see it pop up in more and more mundane situations...

    Athough i think a better option might be "medical considerations" instead of status, as i know friends who think its pertinent to future gym partners that they are diabetic, or suffer from anemia... Medical background is important in what Real Jock strives to be- a community to discuss not only the gym, but fitness and wellness in general...
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    Aug 24, 2009 5:39 AM GMT
    On a side note... the social networking site connexion.org does not allow a neg option, only an option to disclose poz status... their reason being- YOUR ONLY AS NEGATIVE AS YOUR LAST TEST. I leave mine blank for that reason... your only neg until you arent... and even with precautions, shit happens...
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    Aug 24, 2009 6:18 AM GMT
    silverfox1 saidI think it can be interpreted as someone who is not being honest and upfront. I considered leaving it blank when I did my profile....because I hated the question! But I didn't want to be misinterpreted either.

    where is the line drawn about being honest and upfront? how far should we go? I've things that could affect potential partners if things became serious as well..

    Should I staple a list to my forehead so that guys can check it... ya know.. to be honest to any potential guys??

    and why are you worried about being misinterpreted? scared someone might label you HIV? or they might reject you on the off chance you could be?

    I think the key thing here that's getting missed is that the guys who answer honestly will tell you anyway (well, I feel they would be more willing to anyway) and those who want to be deceptive will do anyway.
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    Aug 24, 2009 6:37 AM GMT

    SilverFox, don't be naive, some people come here for sex.
    lips!* Pictures, Images and Photos...........
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    Aug 24, 2009 7:41 AM GMT
    silverfox1 saidHow do you think it is interpreted if the HIV question is just left blank on a guy's profile?


    AHHH you do have a good point.

    Because if you ARE positive and you don't want to disclose it (for various reasons, some logical i.e. you are already in a committed relationship and not looking to hook up with anyone else and it's nobody's business), you feel that although you don't want to outright LIE about it, by saying nothing about it means arguably a passive "yes I'm positive", which is not what you wanted to convey at all. At least this scenario is masked by the hundreds of guys that haven't spent too much time on their profile yet, and haven't gotten to answering all these tedious questions on their profile. IN FACT, I was one of those guys that didn't answer any of the questions up until a week ago.
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    Aug 24, 2009 7:44 AM GMT
    The chances of me ever meeting anyone from the net for sex is almost nil, one would think, so for this it matters not.

    But on the other hand, having lived the 70s and 80s, and working at a bathhouse in the 80's and seeing first hand the devastation AIDS had on what was my community back then, and witnessing first hand homosexuals with the HIV virus back then, endangering life, by irresponsible actions. When I have talked about this in the past, and been abused for being so truthful, and feeling I have no other choice when talking about this eara in gay history.

    I have gone to check out that persons profile, who felt they had a right to abuse me for being truthful on my experiences in the gay community concerning HIV/AIDS, and when I have seen HIV+, it has givern me some understand. But at the same time not taking on their issues or luggage.

    But then I've had people try to give my computer a virus hereicon_rolleyes.gif
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    Aug 24, 2009 11:53 AM GMT
    The question is irrelevant.

    One should be assuming everyone is postive. People lie and the answer to that question is not the gospel truth.

    Twelve years ago I dated a man who told me he was HIV postive the third time after we slept together. I did not ask him beforehand and then asked if I did ask him before sex would he have told me the truth. He answered "NO".

    I am HIV negative for the record.
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    Aug 24, 2009 12:15 PM GMT
    26mileman saidThe question is irrelevant.

    One should be assuming everyone is postive. People lie and the answer to that question is not the gospel truth.

    Twelve years ago I dated a man who told me he was HIV postive the third time after we slept together. I did not ask him beforehand and then asked if I did ask him before sex would he have told me the truth. He answered "NO".

    I am HIV negative for the record.


    26mileman makes an excellent point. After 25+ years of the HIV pandemic, anyone - but especially given the infection rates for us, gay men - should proceed sexually as if everyone is infected.

    Now that sounds harsh, but as someone who was sexually active for many years in the NYC gay community, it is the way I proceeded. For me, barebacking during casual sex was simply not an option. If a potential partner wanted to, that immediately disqualified him as a partner for me.

    I think that mentality is what allowed me to be sexually active for 10+ years - without contracting any STDs - before meeting my boyfriend.
  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Aug 24, 2009 1:04 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    silverfox1 saidI think it can be interpreted as someone who is not being honest and upfront. I considered leaving it blank when I did my profile....because I hated the question! But I didn't want to be misinterpreted either.



    and why are you worried about being misinterpreted? scared someone might label you HIV? or they might reject you on the off chance you could be?


    Yes yes lil tanker I was waiting for someone to say this.
    I answer all the questions put forth because I don't want to appear as if I am holding back on anything. I would answer, but I would cringe if I was asked my political beliefs, my religious beliefs, and anything else on this "GAY SPORTS ENTHUSIASTS" site.


    And Gulity Gear it can be rationalized that people go "everywhere" to hook up....so as far as "getting real" I will stick with what my opinion is....

    and as always, appreciate yours.
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    Aug 24, 2009 1:39 PM GMT

    There are HIV+ men that prefer others of the same status.
    We feel this helps them find each other without the necessity of conversing about it, and having (as we two have seen prejudice here) to face rejection.

    It also, we think, provides immediate knowledge for those negative that see HIV+ as a non issue for dating. This benefits the HIV+ man as well as those negative that contact him here already know his status and saves him, again, the heartache of more rejection.

    If someone views a person's profile with HIV+ and doesn't make contact due to seeing that on the profile, the HIV+ man is better off not knowing the viewer.


    I have 'mixed race' on our profile partly because I'd rather not hear from guys that have issues with race.


    -Doug of meninlove

    PS If you left the field blank, why would anyone assume the person is HIV+? Does that also mean if you don't put your weight on there, everyone assumes you're fat? icon_rolleyes.gif



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2009 10:53 PM GMT
    Honestly, it's a bit hypocritical to say the question shouldn't be asked and then answer it on your profile because you're afraid what a complete stranger might think about you if you don't.

    Personally, I like that it's listed because as MiL mentioned, it allows HIV+ men to potentially network and share information. And really, if you don't want to talk to me because of my status, I'd just as soon you know it so I don't have to waste my time chatting with you. Selah.
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    Aug 24, 2009 11:09 PM GMT
    KyleAD saidOn a side note... the social networking site connexion.org does not allow a neg option, only an option to disclose poz status... their reason being- YOUR ONLY AS NEGATIVE AS YOUR LAST TEST. I leave mine blank for that reason... your only neg until you arent... and even with precautions, shit happens...


    I agree completely. Some people put down "Tested as of " [insert date here] ". In my mind it tells me, ok you tested negative last time......

    I answered mine just to be honest. If I was positive, Id answer positive. Anyone who judges me based off that and the small amount of info on my profile and skips over me for it, fact is I really may not want to get to know that person anyways.
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    Aug 24, 2009 11:12 PM GMT
    JakeBenson said
    silverfox1 saidHow do you think it is interpreted if the HIV question is just left blank on a guy's profile?


    AHHH you do have a good point.

    Because if you ARE positive and you don't want to disclose it (for various reasons, some logical i.e. you are already in a committed relationship and not looking to hook up with anyone else and it's nobody's business), you feel that although you don't want to outright LIE about it, by saying nothing about it means arguably a passive "yes I'm positive", which is not what you wanted to convey at all. At least this scenario is masked by the hundreds of guys that haven't spent too much time on their profile yet, and haven't gotten to answering all these tedious questions on their profile. IN FACT, I was one of those guys that didn't answer any of the questions up until a week ago.


    That's the other thing. People assume too much really. I may have left it blank because I didn't see it. Its happened to me before. Sometimes the questions start to blend in. lol. BUt if someone is going to assume the worst, oops them.
  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Aug 24, 2009 11:28 PM GMT
    Momentum_Play saidHonestly, it's a bit hypocritical to say the question shouldn't be asked and then answer it on your profile because you're afraid what a complete stranger might think about you if you don't.

    Personally, I like that it's listed because as MiL mentioned, it allows HIV+ men to potentially network and share information. And really, if you don't want to talk to me because of my status, I'd just as soon you know it so I don't have to waste my time chatting with you. Selah.


    NOTE FROM OP:
    Nope sorry Momentum....I am not being hypocritical for answering questions asked of me. I have nothing to hide. I can understand the networking aspect...I asked if that was a reason for including HIV status in the profile in the original post.

    I knew when I started this thread I was going to get a shit load of "but you answered the question" crap....and that is not what this thread is about. It is not about me....it is about whether or not the question is appropriate on a site that caters to gay jocks and the sports that they love.....or at least I thought that was what this site's primary purpose was all about.
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    Aug 24, 2009 11:36 PM GMT
    well, for the record I left mine blank because i couldn't give a shit, if someone wants to assume i'm HIV+ then they are more then welcome to, I've better things to do then answer tacky questions on a profile.

    However, if I am HIV+ I will tell anyone I have any interest in developing anything sexual with and if someone doesn't have the balls to ask me outright because they are "scared about being rude" well then.. pffffffft.. your life is potentially on the life so ask.
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    Aug 25, 2009 12:22 AM GMT
    silverfox1 said
    Momentum_Play saidHonestly, it's a bit hypocritical to say the question shouldn't be asked and then answer it on your profile because you're afraid what a complete stranger might think about you if you don't.

    Personally, I like that it's listed because as MiL mentioned, it allows HIV+ men to potentially network and share information. And really, if you don't want to talk to me because of my status, I'd just as soon you know it so I don't have to waste my time chatting with you. Selah.


    NOTE FROM OP:
    Nope sorry Momentum....I am not being hypocritical for answering questions asked of me. I have nothing to hide. I can understand the networking aspect...I asked if that was a reason for including HIV status in the profile in the original post.

    I knew when I started this thread I was going to get a shit load of "but you answered the question" crap....and that is not what this thread is about. It is not about me....it is about whether or not the question is appropriate on a site that caters to gay jocks and the sports that they love.....or at least I thought that was what this site's primary purpose was all about.
    Ah, but it IS about you. I answered the question honestly for my own reasons and think it's a valid question to ask, lil tanker skipped it because he thinks it's a BS question ... but you think it's a BS question and answered it anyway so as not to be "misinterpreted."

    If you don't consider it valid, then don't answer the question ... unless you think the shallow a-holes who might judge you based on a non-answer are really worth that much of your time.

    I'm not trying to be harsh here - please tell me what I'm missing.
  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Aug 25, 2009 12:56 AM GMT
    NOTE FROM THE OP:

    Momentum you are "misinterpreting" my misinterpretation. PS you can be harsh I am tough icon_biggrin.gif

    But I am not going to argue with you about what you think I am saying vs. what I am saying.

    And, since I created this thread...I will state that my intention was not to make this about ME or YOU for that matter.

    Whether someone fills in the blank yes, no, or chooses not to answer is irrelevant to the question I asked on this thread. I am not asking about the answers.

    I appreciate that you think that someone like me shouldn't answer the question if I think it is a bad question to ask. But....

    This kind of reminds me of the McCarthy era. Out of line questions were asked. In my humble opinion, that was the problem- not so much the answers, or lack of answers from those being questioned.


    My question still stands....

    Is it an appropriate question on the RJ profile?

    Perhaps another person might start a thread about appropriate answers to the HIV question on the RJ profile. Or it can be discussed here of course. It is also an interesting discussion.

    But that was not my intention when i started this thread.










  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 25, 2009 1:05 AM GMT
    I understand your point Foxy one - just saying that curmudgeonly types such as me notice the inconsistency expressed in your answering the question and think that is worthy of discussion.

    And for the record, it's already pretty clear that I think the question is valid. From my vantage point, there's lots of HIV+ guys I know who do not get into health and fitness (and don't lead very healthy lifestyles) - so I view "the question" as an opportunity to network with people who, like me, are trying to lead healthy lifestyles while living with HIV.