Why do I still feel so depressed and is there such a thing as a "perfect" relationship?

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    Aug 24, 2009 3:33 PM GMT
    Recently my boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me. I suppose it wasn’t a total shock he was getting more distant a few weeks prior. I really didn’t know what to do at the time. I really tried my hardest to make the relationship work because while we had our flaws like any relationship overall it was great and I thought he was the “one”. Perhaps I just happen to fall for the “new” gays. I suppose what I hate most is that he said that he wanted to be himself again and not be in a serious relationship, but its been a month now and he already started to date another guy. I’ve taken the breakup a lot harder than I should, some days I find myself completely okay and others I can hardly pull myself out of bed or sometimes just spontaneously cry. I don’t mean to be so emotional but I just can’t help myself. That’s the other thing he said he still wanted to be friends and he acts as though everything is okay on his end its like emotionally I’m dead to him. My friends persist that I shouldn’t be friends with him right now because it only makes it harder. So we went and saw Kathy Griffin together since we had purchased the tickets while we were still together (she was great btw). On the way home I told him that we just couldn’t be friends. That I obviously felt more for him than he felt for me and I wanted more than just friendships. I wish that I could be there for him, but I can’t perhaps its selfish but I can’t put myself through it. I find myself still very much emotionally and physically attracted to him. Rather than feeling relieved I felt like shit I feel like now I’m the one who broke up with him, but to top it off it didn’t seem like he cared. In fact here we are a month later and he talks about how we bicker over stupid stuff and that he wants to prove him mother wrong with that perfect relationship. Perhaps I’m blinded by how I feel towards him and thinking our relationship wasn’t that bad or that perfection really is how you see it. But is there truly this perfect relationship were no bickering occurs and everything is 100% peachy? Or is that just setting yourself up for inevitable disappointment.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 24, 2009 5:14 PM GMT
    Oh well .... breaks ups are never fun
    and there is no template that you can guide yourself by on getting over your Ex

    It sounds like you're going to have to separate yourself physically from this guy for a while because everytime you see him it's going to remind you about things you can't have

    Is it gouing to hurt ? ... Yes
    That you can't stop but it's a process You have to go thru and is very much like mourning someone's death
    You are mourning the loss of a relationship and just like if you lost a brother of a parent you need to keep yourself busy
    Don't dwell on the loss
    Surround yourself with friends and a support group
    and do all the things YOU want to do that will keep you happy
  • Mikey77

    Posts: 18

    Aug 24, 2009 10:07 PM GMT
    Hey all you can do is hang in there as best you can! There is no right or wrong when it comes to matters of the heart. I dated a guy who I thought was "the one" and he devastated my world. It still hurts!

    Try to work on you & if you want to e-mail separately I'll help anyway I can.

    Take care,
    Mike
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    Aug 24, 2009 10:14 PM GMT
    Wow how sweet. We need more guys like you OP. I would say to get rid of him. I know it's hard and it's not what you want to hear. I had to let go completely someone recently. I got rid of everything just so that I could try to forget about him. The truth is that the more you see this guy, the more he will hurt you.

    Oh, and let me just say that he is a dummy for letting you go, because you are just beautiful and guys like you dont come around often.
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    Aug 24, 2009 10:45 PM GMT
    angrywhiteguy22 said...I don’t mean to be so emotional but I just can’t help myself...I find myself still very much emotionally and physically attracted to him. Rather than feeling relieved I felt like shit...Perhaps I’m blinded by how I feel towards him
    You cannot help yourself, at this stage. Your depression is real, and is a real threat to your health. Your condition is similar to withdrawal from an addiction. Find a way to see a therapist, or a reeeeeaaaally patient friend who doesn't mind hearing you talk forever about this topic.

    Either therapy, time or drugs will get you over this phase. Good luck!
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    Aug 24, 2009 10:48 PM GMT
    Wow, I just broke up with mine of 18 months and all I felt was relief really. I've been trying to mourn over the situation but cannot budge a single tear.

    Same situation, wants to be friends even though I'm not into post relationship friendship and yeah ironically we still have tickets to go see Liza Minelli, but I'm not going.

    Our relationshiop was fine except he was spending half of the year overseas working and didn't seem to take the opportunity to be a part of my life as I did his.

    Although I was the one that ended it. You just can't expect to be with someone who isn't there when you need them.

    To be honest, take time to get to know yourself again - I found myself getting lost in his life constantly - and just move on.

    Not sure if I sound harsh or cruel but we need to look after ourselves and moments like this only help us learn for when we meet the next guy who is "the one" or so we think.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2009 10:51 PM GMT
    Break ups are always hard - doesn't matter who's doing the breaking. IMHO, there is no perfect guy or a perfect relationship out there, it's all about compromise, keeping things spicy and alive on both parties - but when one person wants to leave, you can't really do anything about it. The only thing you can do is - be yourself, have a good network of friends, family to fall back on - take things in a positive learning perspective, focus on your career/hobbies/job...etc. If he's worth it, be his friend, if not, move on - erase him completely from your mind. It sounds like you fall for him harder than he did for you - keep your distance for now if it makes you feel better. Give it some times, 1 or 2 months pass, you might feel different and be his friend again. Try to stay positive in the mean time. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 24, 2009 11:30 PM GMT
    It's gotta be said...

    The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

    Seriously. icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 25, 2009 12:39 AM GMT
    tankfactory saidIt's gotta be said...

    The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

    Seriously. icon_smile.gif


    LOL, if only I could believe that one. I guess it is a quick cure, but next thing you know your looking for your next fix.

    This time I'm just going to forget relationships, look after myself and enjoy peoples company more than trying to get under them.

    So much change to do, so much change! icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 25, 2009 1:01 AM GMT
    I feel that I should throw a thread in here. It seems to me most guys just don't want a relationship and simply get bored with it. I remember my relationship with a guy I truely loved at heart. This day it still hurts me as a whole, it's been almost a year since I've seen the guy. I liked the guy alot, and it just seems like we were together yesterday. When I'm not motivated and just relaxing home, with nobody home my mind starts to wonder, I miss this guy terribly. But you know they say you can't go back, you can only push further and go onto the next day.

    If there was that guy in the world who was the right one, I'd like to see him, but for now. I want to leave things where there at, just hang out with my friends party and workout. But it's just those times when there's nobody around and my mind wonders. Hey, what can you do, it's the way the human mind works.

    Just take a look at the homo community as a world, there's mostly lust. High rate of STD's to go around, no one's pure. But a very small percent succeed because both parties work on their relationship.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 25, 2009 1:12 AM GMT
    I went through a similar breakup, and I tried the friend avenue... after my pain left, it was replaced by resentment and anger, leading me to become a nasty person to him. It took almost a year before I could be in the same room with him, and two years before I could actively mend our relationship to become friends. Today, he is a good friend of mine, but that still doesn't mean I don't feel pain once in a while. You never truly get over someone you loved, regardless of if they get over you. The pain simply becomes more tolerable and you learn to move on.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Aug 25, 2009 1:15 AM GMT
    angrywhiteguy22 saidBut is there truly this perfect relationship were no bickering occurs and everything is 100% peachy? Or is that just setting yourself up for inevitable disappointment.


    Bickering is a poor choice of words on your part. A relationship where no fighting or disagreements occur is not healthy.

    Beyond that, you may feel really hurt right now by ending your friendship with him. But his response should provide proof that you made the right choice.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 25, 2009 1:16 AM GMT
    jprichva said
    calibro saidI went through a similar breakup, and I tried the friend avenue... after my pain left, it was replaced by resentment and anger, leading me to become a nasty person to him. It took almost a year before I could be in the same room with him, and two years before I could actively mend our relationship to become friends. Today, he is a good friend of mine, but that still doesn't mean I don't feel pain once in a while. You never truly get over someone you loved, regardless of if they get over you. The pain simply becomes more tolerable and you learn to move on.

    Why put yourself through the pain at all? I mean at this point. Do you really need him for a friend?

    As that great Roman philosopher Chuckius Studdum said, "There are 8 billion people on the planet. Movus onnus."



    Because this was someone I love as a person as well, and though we didn't work out as boyfriends, that didn't mean we weren't compatible as friends. I would be far more devastated to lose some like my ex forever than to see him.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Aug 25, 2009 1:16 AM GMT
    rxhardcore said
    Just take a look at the homo community as a world, there's mostly lust. High rate of STD's to go around, no one's pure. But a very small percent succeed because both parties work on their relationship.


    My experience is that its the clowns who throw this excuse around that are the cause of failed relationships.

    It makes sense, I guess. If you believe the majority of your relationships are destined to fail, you'll probably find a way to make it happen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 25, 2009 1:19 AM GMT
    rxhardcore saidJust take a look at the homo community as a world, there's mostly lust. High rate of STD's to go around, no one's pure. But a very small percent succeed because both parties work on their relationship.


    Should a relationship really take any kind of work at all? At what point do you say this is too much work?
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Aug 25, 2009 1:26 AM GMT
    Adjustment depression results from a sudden collapse of rules you developed to adapt to social events. Ask yourself what is the source of your self-esteem. Was it this relationship or this guy's love for you? Did you base your self-love on someone else?
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    Aug 25, 2009 1:37 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your breakup. I know first hand how tough breakups can be. I think a "perfect" gay relationship is a rare thing. My experience of a few failed relationships has left me jaded and resigned to being single. Relationships just don't seem worth the trouble.
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    Aug 25, 2009 1:44 AM GMT
    I am so sorry man. I bet you must be having a tough time dealing with this right now. I learned my lesson in my few months of coming out that relationships are great but it is a lot of work. I know its easy for me to say but the only thing that will heal you is time and it has to come from you. Your break up wasn't mutual and obviously he had a change of heart. At this point, you cannot turn back time and you cannot change a person no matter how hard you try. Its healthy for you to really try to give it some time, move on and meet new friends and of course eventually a new relationship. Thats the only way to move on. We are all human and everyone makes mistake. Our heart can change at anytime.... good luck and in a few months you will be fine and a brand new person. This will be a good time for you to refocus your energy to things that YOU enjoy doing or something that you've always wanted to achieve. Focus on yourself and no one else. You deserve it!
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    Aug 25, 2009 1:58 AM GMT
    I think now is the time you need to focus on yourself. Be a little selfish! Spend your time and energy on things and with friends that make you happy. Only time can heal the hurt, and no one ever goes through any type of emotional pain with out a melt down here and there. Take everything you have been through and learn from it. There will be many days of "what if's" and " should have dones", but it wont ever change the past. In the long run as time has passed you will feel better and when you do meet "that special someone" he will appreciate you all the more. icon_smile.gif

    I truly hope you will move forward and be successful and happy.icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 25, 2009 2:04 AM GMT
    sydney_cider said
    tankfactory saidIt's gotta be said...

    The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

    Seriously. icon_smile.gif


    LOL, if only I could believe that one. I guess it is a quick cure, but next thing you know your looking for your next fix.

    This time I'm just going to forget relationships, look after myself and enjoy peoples company more than trying to get under them.

    So much change to do, so much change! icon_smile.gif


    I feel you may well be on the right track to healing, and getting on with your life.

    Before I got into my 20 years relasionship, I took a number of years of getting to know myself. It must of worked.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Aug 25, 2009 2:26 AM GMT
    Ori_ said
    sydney_cider said
    tankfactory saidIt's gotta be said...

    The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

    Seriously. icon_smile.gif


    LOL, if only I could believe that one. I guess it is a quick cure, but next thing you know your looking for your next fix.

    This time I'm just going to forget relationships, look after myself and enjoy peoples company more than trying to get under them.

    So much change to do, so much change! icon_smile.gif


    I feel you may well be on the right track to healing, and getting on with your life.

    Before I got into my 20 years relasionship, I took a number of years of getting to know myself. It must of worked.


    Best advice yet...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 25, 2009 2:44 AM GMT
    Well I am certainly sorry for your break-up, and I do know how you feel, because with a few exceptions, that is exactly what happened to me. Rather than walk away, as my friends wanted me to, I decided to stand my ground and fight for something I wanted. (Note the I).

    He came back to me a few weeks later (we were living together) and decided he wanted to be with me again. He was seeing another guy during the break, and claimed it was "just a fling" and that nothing sexual happened.

    Four months later he did the same thing, broke it off because he'd been chatting online with some other guy and he wanted something different. Sadly I carried a torch for him for another seven months, trying to get something back that wasn't happening.

    Something did happen for me though in the seven months. I was forced to examine clearly who I am inside, and I made adjustments to become the kind of guy I want to date, to be stronger, to be happier and to offload all of the garbage that has polluted my life for years.

    In other words I totally let go. I am now single, and as far as having someone who thinks I am something special, that hasn't happened yet. But I am also happy with and love the person I am and that I am becoming.

    The perfect relationship doesn't exist and it isn't meant to. Relationships are like Orchids. They require a lot of care, feeding and upkeep and you do have to trim away the dead leaves now and then and be mindful of pests. A great relationship is one where both involved are ready to do this and willing to do for each other. A relationship where there is never a quarrel is one where one is generally a doormat and the other an oversize pair of boots.

    Like you I had my days, and to be honest, sometimes I still do. But that has more to do with the fact that I lost the two people who loved me as parents should and I feel very alone at times.

    Let yourself grieve, cry if you feel like it - it is very therapeutic. But look within and fix those things you want to - seize this opportunity to grow and become the man that others will love because YOU love him. Then you'll find someone who's right.

    I'll close with a cliche: Nobody who is worth your tears will ever drive you to them.

    Take care of yourself. My best to you.

    Brian
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 25, 2009 12:52 PM GMT
    "The perfect relationship doesn't exist and it isn't meant to. Relationships are like Orchids. They require a lot of care, feeding and upkeep and you do have to trim away the dead leaves now and then and be mindful of pests. A great relationship is one where both involved are ready to do this and willing to do for each other. A relationship where there is never a quarrel is one where one is generally a doormat and the other an oversize pair of boots."

    Very well said, Brian.
  • BronxvilleNY3...

    Posts: 101

    Aug 25, 2009 1:16 PM GMT
    From what I read your are 23, that means pretty young. I guess that you are driving a way that almost everybody has driven. You are learning but you don’t know it, you are learning about to become stronger in life but you don’t know it. What you are passing through is a normal stuff, it is a normal grief, takes time to overcome it, but eventually you will laugh someday when you remember about it. What is happening to you is a kind of immunization that will help you in the future to protect you and make you stronger. Keep walking and forget about medications and all that crap.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Aug 25, 2009 1:24 PM GMT

    it's probably been said more than enough times, but nothing is perfect.
    even the most seemingly well put together is flawed. the depression may be a result of the social expectation phenomena resulting from a lifestyle of instant gratification and excess.

    for every wonderful man that one encounters comes the honest fact that he deserves one's fullest of comprehensions that he needs to be loved his shortcomings just as much, if not more, than for his positive attributes. if things were perfect, man would laze about and never know the true meaning of dedication/devotion.

    a house built brick-by-brick will have been built on a more sturdy foundation than when built by the hard-working hands of another (i.e., there is intrinsic value in " putting in the work, " when compared to searching for something seemingly perfected and in tact).