Unsolicited Disclosure In Dating

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 25, 2009 8:30 PM GMT
    I've spending time over the past few months with a really nice guy. Though it's never been asked or addressed, I'm not seeing anyone else, so it's not like I'm sleeping or dating around. I'm not waiting for something better to come along because I don't know if I'm in the right head space for a relationship.

    He's always eager to spend time with me and is always excited to see me. I look forward to seeing him because we can be tender without complications, but he is definitely more into things than I am. I've been very careful not to send mixed signals about my emotional availability and have refrained from having sex to reinforce that.

    I enjoy his company and enjoy having someone I can be sweet and cuddle with, someone whose hand I can hold and having someone to kiss goodbye at the end of the night a few times a week. The vulnerability and tenderness is refreshing and makes me feel good.

    I haven't given a "point blank" dispersion of hope that we will ever be more because he's never said that it's something he even wants... though he hints at it.

    My question is this: If I've made no offers of anything more than intimate friendship (without benefits), I have no intention of pursuing more and it's never been broached directly (by him or myself), am I being selfish?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 25, 2009 8:32 PM GMT
    If you think he wants more than you're willing to give and are avoiding 'bursting his bubble' then yeah, you're being kind of selfish.
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    Aug 25, 2009 8:58 PM GMT
    What a refreshing change of pace. Instead of the gazillion threads by guys lamenting how they never meet anyone wanting anything more than a hookup, here is one by a guy lamenting that somebody actually wants an intimate relationship with him.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 25, 2009 9:18 PM GMT
    I know if I were in that situation, I'd want you to be honest with me, but would be scared to get the answer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 25, 2009 9:30 PM GMT
    The answer may hurt him like hell especially if he's really into you, but it's best to be completely honest with him about where you are coming from. Then let your actions follow your words. You'll both be better off for it. If he's wanting more than you out of the relationship - he needs to be released to find someone who's on the same page and can be at the level of relationship that he desires. You guys may be able to be friends in the future once he's over you - but be sure to give him the space he needs to figure things out. I wouldn't recommend you guys cuddling, etc. I believe it is selfish on your part to complicate his feelings by having some level of emotional intimacy with out the whole package if he wants the whole enchilada. Puns not intended. icon_neutral.gif

    If you give a little of your self now, allow him space - I think you'll find you'll be better friends for it down the road.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Aug 25, 2009 10:05 PM GMT

    my thoughts are, sadly, jumbled ... and you've written this thread so pleasantly. but there seems to be a theme of omission that has been lightly colored with selfishness here. I don't mean to sound harsh, but this man has been enveloped with hope that you'll take notice of his affections and the like through his beautiful virtue of patience.

    whomever this gentleman is, he deserves to hear the honest truth from you. it has been suggested that every person we come into close and perhaps intimate contact with color us or leaves a mark upon our person. you have the ability to leave a seemingly unfortunate (in that you're not as into him as he seems with you) but necessary mark upon him. it would be healthier to let those close to you - even potentially - to know where you stand. no letting them guess. no letting on silently that there could in some parallel universe be some light of hope if there is not.

    yeah, I know ... and I'm the Mother Theresa who didn't take dirty money ... sorry if I sound haughty ... I don't mean to ... good luck to you, sir.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 25, 2009 10:30 PM GMT
    over_and_over saidI've spending time over the past few months with a really nice guy. Though it's never been asked or addressed, I'm not seeing anyone else, so it's not like I'm sleeping or dating around. I'm not waiting for something better to come along because I don't know if I'm in the right head space for a relationship.

    He's always eager to spend time with me and is always excited to see me. I look forward to seeing him because we can be tender without complications, but he is definitely more into things than I am. I've been very careful not to send mixed signals about my emotional availability and have refrained from having sex to reinforce that.

    I enjoy his company and enjoy having someone I can be sweet and cuddle with, someone whose hand I can hold and having someone to kiss goodbye at the end of the night a few times a week. The vulnerability and tenderness is refreshing and makes me feel good.

    I haven't given a "point blank" dispersion of hope that we will ever be more because he's never said that it's something he even wants... though he hints at it.

    My question is this: If I've made no offers of anything more than intimate friendship (without benefits), I have no intention of pursuing more and it's never been broached directly (by him or myself), am I being selfish?


    Lately there is a lot of threads on RJ whining about how little attention or sexual satisfaction a guy gets from their dates or BFs! but it is refreshing to read a thread that longs for an emotional connection with someone who treats you with respect!


    Good luck to you, and I hope you both appreciate the rewards friendship and patience will bring you both!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 25, 2009 10:48 PM GMT
    The best you can do is just be honest with him. You don't have to be blunt and brutal, but it would be a relief to both you and him to be in this relationship with honest information and realistic expectations. He might be in the same place you are, even though you say he hints at wanting more.

    It sounds like this is working for you so far. Maybe it's working for him too. And maybe you'll come to a place where you want it to be more eventually.
  • kietkat

    Posts: 342

    Aug 25, 2009 11:37 PM GMT
    I think your intimacy with him is somewhat of a mixed signal. If I were the guy that level of intimacy would scream "this looks like it could lead to something". Sounds like you are somewhat stringing him along.
  • kita

    Posts: 26

    Aug 26, 2009 12:13 AM GMT
    Thanks for the post. I thinik you might have given us a little something to think over relationship-wise.

    When I first read your situation, I was a little conflicted. On the one hand, I thought if you've been up-front and told him about your unavailability from the beginning, you aren't responsible for his actions. Like we say in Ohio, "If you can't control your feelings, you aren't trying hard enough."

    Then I thought you have a responsibility to take the situation in hand if you can see him wanting and/or holding out for more just to save you both some unpleasantness.

    At this point I reread you post and I noticed one really big thing: you haven't told him about your unavailability, have you? You said you haven't said anything "point blank" because he hasn't done the same, but you can see he is starting to want more.

    Umm. . . do you see how this could be a problem?

    I would agree that emotional and physical intimacy don't necessarily go hand in hand, but I would definately say that, assuming you have compatable sexualities, the second quite often flows from the first. You are painting a picture here of two people who are becoming very emotionally and physically intimate. In you mind, there are certain firm boundaries (no sex), however, I don't see any indication that you have made that clear to him. If you haven't done this from the beginning (and perhaps reenforced them a few times along the way), I think it is perfectly understandable that this guy would want to make things more physical. I would say this is just human nature and you could hardly blame the guy for this, however, we might be able to blame you for leading him on through your silence.

    To conclude--finally--I would have to say, that I don't necessarily think you're being selfish, but I would say you're not being completely honest. I know how much you must have been dreading it, but I think you really need to have that conversation you have been putting off. Lay you cards on the table and let him know what you feel and what you're looking for. He may be OK with all this. He may decide to accept the emotional and non-sexual intimacy you are offering and look for sex elsewhere. He may be hurt and decide to stop "waisting his time". It seems to me you owe it to both of you to take the chance.

    Well, that's my two cents anyway. Good luck.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 26, 2009 12:48 AM GMT
    This is an ideal 'non-relationship' for you because you can be -- as you put it -- "tender without complications." The trouble as I see it is, there are complications: you're starting to notice he is investing more in this relationship than you are. And you, it seems, are fueling his misperception by being tender, cuddly, and intimate in a non-sexual way. You're abstaining from sex, you say, in order to drive home your emotional unavailability, but your actions might in fact be telling him just the opposite.

    Put yourself into his shoes: a nice, attractive man is paying you attention. He is spending time with you, cuddling with you over dinner and movies in the evenings, maybe, and kissing you goodnight. He isn't acting like a rowdy horndog whose only objective is to get into your pants.

    From that perspective, can you see how you might be sending messages very contradictory to your stated intentions?

    As to the selfishness of these actions...yeah, you are being selfish. Selfishness isn't the problem, though -- hell, I think selfishness, to some degree, underlies all our actions, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. What is a bad thing, though, is that you're misleading him -- and guilt through omission is surely as harmful as lying outright to the guy. It's time to fess up or let the poor dude off the hook.
  • nadaquever_rm

    Posts: 139

    Aug 26, 2009 1:08 AM GMT
    zdrew said it perfectly. It's time to man up.
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    Aug 26, 2009 1:24 AM GMT
    Zdrew. That's what I got out of this when I read it.

    Basically you are either seeing him exclusively which would mean you are dating him as a BF or he's a cuddle buddy which is the passive cousin a fuck buddy who is just satisfied with everything else but sex. Nothing wrong with that but it sends a message.

    Better figure out which one you want to be before this guy gets too attached and expects more from you. In all honesty he would have every right to expect something from you since you are leading him on at his expense it seems.
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    Aug 26, 2009 1:38 AM GMT
    Thank you guys, I've been culling over these things in my head for a week or so. I could give a dozen rationalizations why I've believed we were all good and both getting what we needed. Though he is cuddly and tactile, we are not sexually compatible. He is very conservative and sweet, without a doubt my sexuality would consume him or freak him out.

    I posted this today because I got an email that was very subtly laced with a bit of frustration, I asked him if we needed to talk and he replied with the negative. We had planned to have drinks tonight so we could catch up since it's been about a week since we've hung out and I asked him if we could address his thinly veiled frustrations (I didn't call them that though) he reticently agreed.

    In the past I have been 'backed into relationships' through all sorts of means and spending time with someone who doesn't want to 'procure' me has been refreshing and lovely. All signs point to a brass tax talk and we will tonight.

    As a friend, I should tell him where my head lies and he can determine whether that is good enough for him.

    Thank you all for your firm words, your tact and kindness does not go unappreciated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 26, 2009 2:12 AM GMT
    Talk to him and tell him how you feel, just the way you described it in your post.

    I hope you can continue to enjoy each others company without attaching a label to describe your relationship with him. You don't want to be sexually intimate with him but enjoy other intimate interactions and I think that's great.

    But you need to talk to him. He may be very patient and considerate and not want to push you but at the same time he may have hope that it blossoms into something more.

    Or he may be on the same page as you.

    But you guys are establishing a good amount of trust, caring and fun which usually is the basis for meaningful, satisfying love making, and love may take over.icon_eek.gif

    If that happens, I hope you guys are still on the same page.icon_idea.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 26, 2009 7:17 AM GMT
    the most interesting thing happened guys.

    Tonight we met to grab a bite and we eventually started talking about where our heads and intentions were. He asked me first and was very kind and non-threatening in his approach, I told him I was emotionally unavailable and that I enjoyed his company immensely but didn't feel like I was in a good space for a relationship and wasn't sure if I would ever get there with him.

    He was very understanding & expressed a myriad of wonderful sentiments, all of which kind of turned into "blah, blah, blah..." because after revisiting the topic a few times casually I was sitting there & began to see him in a totally new light.

    He actually seems to almost understand me and my need for space and independence. I've dealt with a year and a half of having a criminal stalker which makes me very apprehensive in getting too close to guys. He even said that after the few months we've been getting to know one another, he expected nothing from me and didn't want to change what we had.

    I was speechless and so moved by how well he understood me, I had no idea he had that in him.

    We agreed to revisit the topic if/when either of us needs a change in one way or the another. So glad I sucked it up and we had the talk... thanks guys.
  • kita

    Posts: 26

    Aug 26, 2009 11:35 AM GMT
    Well, congradulations. It sounds like things have ended happily for you both. Just make sure you do go back and revisit it later to make sure you're both still on the same page.

    Good luck.
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    Aug 26, 2009 12:06 PM GMT
    Just goes to show that what you do not say is often louder than what you say.