Is it a trust issue?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 27, 2009 8:36 PM GMT
    In January of this year, my 44-year-old partner of 15 years met a 25-year-old on RJ to whom he wrote, "Congratulations on becoming man of the day! I think they made an excellent choice," to 30-days later, "God help me but given half a chance I'd make love to you all night long and hold you close through the dawn -- present relationship be damned." Today I'm told, "we're just friends."

    Last night he hits me with "I'd like to go to Boston to meet Marc." My disapproval lead to "You don't trust me."

    What would you do / say?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 27, 2009 9:58 PM GMT
    hmmm... tricky..

    I've found someone better then you.. you can leave now

    Might be the right thing to say... from my perspective.. of course, I'm a prick so take that with a grain of salt
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Aug 27, 2009 10:39 PM GMT
    Time to start planning an exit strategy.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 27, 2009 11:45 PM GMT
    I'd say "No one in their right mind would be happy with their partner meeting with someone after saying 'God help me but given half a chance I'd make love to you all night long and hold you close through the dawn -- present relationship be damned.' about him."
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    Aug 28, 2009 1:35 AM GMT

    Like Timberoo, we'd each say the same thing.

    From us: " You mean you want to meet a guy that made you comment, 'God help me but given half a chance I'd make love to you all night long and hold you close through the dawn -- present relationship be damned.'?


    -us


  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Aug 28, 2009 1:38 AM GMT
    That's easy. I would tell him sure he can go, but he wouldn't be able to come back to me or maybe he should make arrangements to stay in Boston for good!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2009 3:42 AM GMT
    You're well within your right not to trust him.

    This....

    Babaloo'spartner"God help me but given half a chance I'd make love to you all night long and hold you close through the dawn -- present relationship be damned."


    ...is a horrible thing to say.

    I know a 15 year relationship isn't easy to let go of. You may be better off preparing yourself to move on though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2009 3:53 AM GMT
    Whether he goes to meet this guy or not, based on what he has told this guy already and how fickle he seems to view your relationship, I would preempt it all and dump his ass.
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    Aug 28, 2009 3:54 AM GMT

    "Take your things."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2009 3:58 AM GMT

    Babaloo said"God help me but given half a chance I'd make love to you all night long and hold you close through the dawn -- present relationship be damned."


    After making a comment like this, then planning a trip SPECIFICALLY to meet this guy, he has the nerve to accuse you of not trusting him?

    Sounds like he's projecting to me.
  • Caver

    Posts: 7

    Aug 28, 2009 4:40 AM GMT
    Had something similar happen to me, BF of 7 years meets a guy through realjock, said they were just online friends even though they spent hours chatting. Then I found out they thought they were 'in love'. How the hell do you fall in love with someone based on nothing but phone calls and chat? Then the secret rental car and 7-hour ride to see the guy. Sheesh.

    Yeah, there's a reason he's 'ex'...

    Don't trust him, his intentions are clear, and don't let him turn the tables on you and make it feel like it's your problem.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2009 4:46 AM GMT
    Well, first off, I'd like to say I'm sorry.

    Next, beat hell out of the dumb ass.

    Then throw him out.
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    Aug 28, 2009 4:56 AM GMT
    I would tell him to go and have a good time and do whatever he wants Put absolutely no pressure on him whatsoever, nor lecture him about what he should or shouldn't do.

    Tell him you trust him to know that he has the option to do whatever he feels is right.

    Be part of his excitement about going and be happy for him.

    Give your partner the freedom to make up his own mind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2009 5:03 AM GMT
    It's precisely these sorts of situations - and some of the insane responses given to the OP's question so far - that make me doubt that a meaningful gay relationship is even possible. What the #&*!??? I'd kick his ass out. I can't even believe this is a question.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2009 5:25 AM GMT
    . . . I'd set him out at the curb with the other trash . . .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2009 5:31 AM GMT
    We are dealing with grown men here. Grown men know that there could be negative consequences to choices that are made.

    Part of the allure of cheating is the naughtiness of it all. Giving him warnings and threatening to kick his sorry ass out will only make the situation worse. Being a whining nag about it will only make him want to go even more.

    Telling a man he can't do something with issues relating to his sexuality and he will want to do it more. Take away the naughtiness factor from him and rise above it. Sometimes people want the freedom of saying they want something without actually doing it.

    Let go of your pride and outrage and moral indignation. Its his decision. You don't own his mind or his body. But you do share a committed relationship that shouldn't be tossed aside on his, or your whim.

    Besides, the running off to meetup with an internet love is a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship. Advice like kicking his ass out also ignores the real issues. Dealing with real issues makes for meaningful gay relationships Reacting in classic cliched TV show fashion by "packing your bags" doesn't help either. Its the easy way out.

    What happened to "meaningful relationships take a lot of work"? Does sex outside of the relationship, or the possibility of it, automatically mark the end of that work?

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    Aug 28, 2009 6:08 AM GMT
    KissingPro saidBesides, the running off to meetup with an internet love is a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship. Advice like kicking his ass out also ignores the real issues. Dealing with real issues makes for meaningful gay relationships Reacting in classic cliched TV show fashion by "packing your bags" doesn't help either.


    Sure it helps. It gets him out of an obviously doomed situation. Does anyone for a split second believe that a 44 year old man really wants to cultivate a friendship with a 25 year old guy from the Internet??? I didn't think so.

    You're right, though. It is a symptom of a bigger problem. The question is, after being shown such blatant disrespect, does he want to "fix" the problem? For that matter, can the problem be fixed? So maybe you're right. Maybe telling him to get out doesn't give anyone a chance.

    To the OP, don't for a moment think there's anything innocent going on here. If, as KissingPro suggests, there is a bigger problem, you need to decide if it's something fixable. But don't let someone you've shared your life with for 15 years disrespect you like this. He doesn't want a friend. You know that. I know that. We all know that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2009 7:16 AM GMT
    I'm very sorry this happened to you, but you need to respect yourself and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable to you. You obviously still love him so you can try to work things out with him, but if he won't be honest with you and if he won't give it a sincere effort to try to do better, it's not going to work.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Aug 28, 2009 7:57 AM GMT
    I'd say it's over if you're in a monogamous relationship. Kick his ass to the curb! Honestly I think with men/monogamy almost never works! One or both stray during the relationship or one believes they are monogamous and the other just never tells them. What they don't know won't hurt them attitude.icon_idea.gificon_idea.gif Another reason to always wear a condom!! If it was just to meet the guy why isn't he taking you?? Think about it. He wants sex!
    Sorry you are going through this!
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Aug 28, 2009 8:00 AM GMT
    Suggestion.

    "I'd like to go to Boston to meet Mark."

    You - "I've thought about it, and I think we should go, should be fun."

    His response or reaction to that should answer your question.

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2009 9:39 AM GMT
    nv7_ saidSuggestion.

    "I'd like to go to Boston to meet Mark."

    You - "I've thought about it, and I think we should go, should be fun."

    His response or reaction to that should answer your question.

    icon_biggrin.gif


    I approve this test.
  • crls64

    Posts: 95

    Aug 28, 2009 10:44 AM GMT
    Sedative said
    nv7_ saidSuggestion.

    "I'd like to go to Boston to meet Mark."

    You - "I've thought about it, and I think we should go, should be fun."

    His response or reaction to that should answer your question.

    icon_biggrin.gif


    I approve this test.


    So do I. icon_exclaim.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2009 11:47 AM GMT
    KissingPro said Besides, the running off to meetup with an internet love is a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship.

    One bigger problem would be the mental health of the OP's bf.
    The bf exchanges a few emails with someone he's never seen in the 3-dimensional world. Then he's ready to ditch a 15-year relationship for someone who, even if he actually exists as described, is suitable for little more than a hookup.
    The bf is clearly delusional and needs immediate therapeutic intervention.
    Don't kick him to the curb, just arrange for a short-term in-house commitment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2009 3:05 PM GMT
    It's a very shitty thing that he's done. I guess now is the time for you to figure out how much you really love him and if you are willing to put up with what he might do.

    Men cheat, it's nature. I know it's not an excuse, but it's a fact. And if he goes there and does whatever he wants to do with that 25yo and then comes back to you with a clear mind and an apology - then all is not lost. However, if he really falls in love with someone else, then it is the time for you to step out and preserve your pride and dignity.

    I don't know if I would ever forgive something like that, but I have never really been in love. If you want him and love him, then maybe it's better to try and talk to him, figure out a way to fix things.

    Good luck and I hope the situation ends up in the best way possible! icon_smile.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 28, 2009 3:10 PM GMT
    fulldelight saidIt's a very shitty thing that he's done. I guess now is the time for you to figure out how much you really love him and if you are willing to put up with what he might do.

    Men cheat, it's nature. I know it's not an excuse, but it's a fact. And if he goes there and does whatever he wants to do with that 25yo and then comes back to you with a clear mind and an apology - then all is not lost. However, if he really falls in love with someone else, then it is the time for you to step out and preserve your pride and dignity.

    I don't know if I would ever forgive something like that, but I have never really been in love. If you want him and love him, then maybe it's better to try and talk to him, figure out a way to fix things.

    Good luck and I hope the situation ends up in the best way possible! icon_smile.gif


    No offense, but bullshit. It's natural to feel urges, but as humans we have the ability to control them and the intelligence to communicate what we want out of a relationship. If one doesn't want monogamy, they should say it.