What happens when the man you love claims he's straight...?

  • KansasColt09

    Posts: 179

    May 02, 2007 9:50 PM GMT
    Three weeks ago I met my soulmate and we spent an incredibly..frankly unbelievable weekend together- we made out once, but more than that, there was an extreme chemistry I've never felt before. Finishing eachother's sentences...not speaking, but knowing what was just said...It was entirely romantic and I knew that it was mutual...someone wouldn't do that to another person, would they? Never in my life have I wanted to be with someone more.

    He called the following Wednesday to tell...to tell me it was all a big mistake. He's not looking for a relationship and especially not one with a man. He's..straight.

    This was bad enough, but apparently he's fooling around with one of his friends and telling him the same thing- he's straight, and nothing could ever come of anything.

    Obviously he's a closet case: how do you deal with losing that amazing connection and being told it was all...fake?
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    May 02, 2007 10:36 PM GMT
    This one is simple but easier said than done.--- Just move on down the line-NEXT.
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    May 02, 2007 11:51 PM GMT
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    May 03, 2007 1:12 AM GMT
    First of all, stop telling yourself that you are "in love" with this guy. You don't know him, you cannot love something you do not know. You are merely impressed and infatuated.

    2nd, you seem to already know that something is not right with this guy. He is beyond closted (if he really is, you may find out otherwise later.) He is more a player and a manipulator than anything else. Why he is doing this is not your problem. I assure you the more you learn about him, the less you will "love" him. Walk away.
  • JuanitoR

    Posts: 12

    May 03, 2007 3:47 AM GMT
    Yeah dude, total waste of time and energy. Dealt with one of those before. The mere fact that he insists he's straight when he's not could mean he has a whole bunch of psychological issues that you don't need to deal with.

    I agree that i don't believe your really in love with him. Sounds more like lust and some infatuation.

    He's totally lame dude, get a better one.
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    May 03, 2007 4:30 AM GMT
    Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson! This does not compute!

    Seriously though, I'm in total agreement with the other posters on the thread. Why put yourself in any sort of a situation with someone who clearly has some issues of his own, i.e., claiming that he's straight, yet he's fooling around with other guys, etc.

    As for dealing with the aftermath, it's disappointing to have a strong connection fall apart, but you need to wash your hands free of the situation ASAP.
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    May 03, 2007 4:42 AM GMT
    maybe hes not that into you or the other guy and thats how he breaks up with people. Or hes bisexual and he hasn't figured himself out yet. I don't have a lot of experience with people that go back into the closet but I find it hard to believe you can be deny yourself after the freedom of coming out.
  • DrStorm

    Posts: 185

    May 03, 2007 5:26 AM GMT
  • Todtools

    Posts: 31

    May 03, 2007 10:30 AM GMT
    I have a hot crush on my best friend who is married str8 as well. If he ever made a move on me, I would be hard as hell in seconds.
  • HotCoach

    Posts: 247

    May 03, 2007 2:46 PM GMT
    Had 4 year affair with "str8" guy. Not even bi just liked to fool around with guys. Sex was extremely hot but infrequent (2x/month). But I loved it. I finally needed to make life change. Moved to Idaho. Hated to leave him no matter what he called himself but I had to. We were very good friends before he came on to me. I was totally shocked as I thought he was the hetero's hetero. We still keep in contact phone and e-mail.
    I'll always miss him but happy that we had our time.
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    May 03, 2007 4:02 PM GMT
    I have a hard time admitting that I have spent many years in my past being infactuated with str8 men. Each time I was very hurt and it took awhile to realize I was attracted to someone I could never have. Part of the attraction was wondering whether I could "turn them" but in the end found out that life is way to short wasting my time on men I could never have.
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    May 03, 2007 6:15 PM GMT

    With 6.5 BILLION folks in the world, there's someone else.

    GET OVER IT. Move on now.
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    May 03, 2007 7:59 PM GMT
    I know exactly how you feel.

    Its even worse when the guy's in your fraternity :oÞ

    It is hard, especially when you know that you'd be great together. The problem is that you never know how long it will take for them to come to terms with their own sexuality, assuming it happens at all. Speaking from personal experience, I would have to agree with everyone else. Moving on is the best option..... as hard as it is.

    Best of luck to you.
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    May 23, 2007 8:52 AM GMT
    Sadly I would have to agree with everyone that says to move on. I was half this guy for about 6 months, we bascially lived together. I slept, eat, bathed, dressed, and even had sex at his place for those whole 6 months. Not only that but he was the type that showed affection in public, he always paid for anyone who couldn't pay for themself. I met his family and everything. This guy Richard was my first love. Well it turns out, his friend, who ends up hating fags, was making fun of him.

    Richard is the type of person that NEEDS to have everyone like him, if one person doesn't like him or thinks ill of him he is depressed for days. Anyway needless to say he broke up with him over a FREAKIN text message, saying he is going back to being straight because it is easier. I'm sorry but if a guy is basically living with me and fucking me on a daily bases he is GAY! He is still "straight" but its only a matter of time before he realizes the truth.

    The only thing you can do is move on. You can't force him to realize he is gay, he needs to figure that out on his own. Maybe your feelings wont change, its been a year and I still love Richard. But you can't wait around for him, you have to find someone that is willing to admit it himself that he likes cock lol
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    May 23, 2007 12:07 PM GMT
    Sorry, time to move on. The biggest reason is for you - not him.

    WHY will you give yourself away so easily?

  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    May 23, 2007 1:46 PM GMT
    You know ... I'm reading these posts recently and these are things I first learned when I first came out about a decade ago. It's pretty obvious, in my opinion to move on, but I understand the emotions w/ it and what not.

    But dude ... I say it is better to date guys that are OUT and comfortable w/ themselves than date someone who believes he should be one way that the supposed "norm" (whatever the fuck that is) wants him to be.

    You're better off in the long run w/o him.
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    Jun 09, 2008 4:29 AM GMT
    It never ceases to amaze me how some of the most honest and heartfelt posts on this forum still get at least a couple needlessly harsh replies. Seriously guys, WTF? Way to show support.

    KansasColt09 - Sadly, I suspect some of our fellow members don't even know what extreme chemistry is, or have grown too bitter and jaded to appreciate it when it comes their way, so it's unfortunately that they can't be a bit more thoughtful in their choice of responses.

    It probably wasn't fake. It sounds to me that maybe he just got scared. If you felt that kind of chemistry for an entire weekend, I'd suspect he may have felt at least some of it himself and probably just isn't ready to deal with what he was feeling. It's hard to know for sure.

    It's a tough thing to do, but I would try to remember the weekend for what it was - a really awesome connection for a weekend. It may not lead to anything, but in a way you can think of yourself as lucky for having a fond memory.

    I don't find that kind of chemistry often myself. But I take it as "proof of concept" and hope to encounter it again. You never know what lies ahead.
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    Jun 09, 2008 5:01 AM GMT
    RUN. And when you get tired of running from him. RUN AGAIN.
  • drakutis

    Posts: 592

    Jun 09, 2008 5:09 AM GMT
    DrStorm saidmoveon.org

    I second that!!!
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    Jun 09, 2008 5:22 AM GMT
    What a douche tool! Leave it and him alone and let him deal with his OWN inner turmoil!! Go and be Gay!!
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    Jun 09, 2008 5:55 AM GMT
    One of the worst periods of my life was dating someone who was in the closet. Together it felt like the world melted away, but at the slightest hint of family or someone else that knew him and it was heartache time.

    I empathise with you considerably, but as much as your newfound infatuation drives you - move on. Until he's comfortable in his own skin, this sort of thing will be caustic to a relationship.

    As blunt as it sounds, there are many other men out there and they are worth it. Put your thoughts of this guy to the side and look for new prospects.

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    Jun 09, 2008 7:21 AM GMT

    You could try bonking him on the head, somethin fierce and maybe he'll wake up and realize he's fooling nobody. icon_wink.gif

    But yeah, that probably won't work. RUN!
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    Jun 09, 2008 10:53 AM GMT
    Mourn and move on....... Superman. icon_cool.gif
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    Jun 09, 2008 9:02 PM GMT
    Call is dumb ass a coward, and tell him to stop wasting your time.
    When he decides to be a man of courage give him a chance, but if nothing goes on...leave him.
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    Jun 09, 2008 9:11 PM GMT
    PhxAriz08 saidCome on guys he have feeling you know. It is hard to move on...

    Strangely enough I think it is harder to move on when you are in your late teens or early twenties, then when you are in your 30's or 40's. I had a crush on a straight friend for four years. I literally never went through a day when I did not think of him, even though I only saw him during the university semesters.

    I am not sure what it is, perhaps when you are older you realize you don't have as much time to spend on crushes that are not likely going anywhere, or you know that with time your emotions will heal.