Hinting about kids

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 30, 2009 11:27 AM GMT
    I have this issue where kids to me is seen as a way of passing my genes on into the future. The thought of not having kids before I die is incredibly scary to me. I don't know if its something biological for me or something social, but I just have this constant urge in my head to someday have kids.
    I remember being young and still heavily in the closet and even then at age 11 I imagined having a boyfriend and a family.

    My boyfriend agreed with this for a long time, but lately he's hinting more and more that he doesn't want to have kids. Apparently he has everything that he needs and doesn't understand why we need to mess that up by adding to that.

    I guess I'm responding to it with mixed emotions. Part of me questions whether its the fact that we couldn't have a biological kid together.

    I guess I wonder now Why do I want kids? Is it because I'm trying to imitate a straight life? Is it biological this need to reproduce? And what the hell do I do should we reach that point where I feel we are financially stable enough to start a family and he doesn't want to?

    Any body else out there want kids? Why? How do you plan to do it? If you have a bf, does your partner agree? Or is he undecided?

    What is reproduction to the gay/bi world?
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    Aug 30, 2009 12:43 PM GMT
    it's partly biological and partly social I'd say.

    Your desire for children is pretty normal and many men your age have the same desire, I did, but, I never will have any.

    I think the important thing right now if for you to not worry to much on what your other half wants at this point, I'm assuming he's about the same age as you?

    Since your both so young things will change as you both get older and experience more in life, right now, your other half is just content with what he has, or, maybe he has other thoughts he hasn't told you, either way, you guys are young, you've lots of time.
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    Aug 30, 2009 12:47 PM GMT
    Thanks
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    Aug 30, 2009 2:19 PM GMT


    True that, lilTanker, we thought alot about it after we met. Others really wanted to see it happen as well.

    Instead we became favourite Uncles for a slew of 2-5 year old nephews and nieces, and you know, they confided in us things they'd never tell their parents. They're all in their 20s now. lol, sometimes it feels like we raised them.




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    Aug 30, 2009 4:13 PM GMT
    From your comments, it doesn't sound like you really want kids yourself but rather have some sense of compulsion that you ought to. Obviously your opinion might change over time but I think first of all you should do some soul searching. Ask yourself if having children is something you really desire or is it something you feel you're supposed to do. Can you foresee a place in the future (however near or distant) that having kids will become a need for you? Then I think you need to talk to you boyfriend about it and move some things from being hinted at to being out in the open. It's ok if neither of you have any definite answers at first but start a dialogue about how you both really feel about children rather than both trying to infer from the other's comments.

    BTW - I already have a daughter from a previous relationship and very much want to have more children in the future. My boyfriend is actually very good with my daughter and the two of them are crazy about each other. He also wants to have kids together in the future but isn't quite ready yet. He is a few years younger than me and, naturally, doesn't quite feel ready to take on that level of responsibility quite yet. It's something we talk about and it's very helpful to know where he stands and for him to know where I'm at.
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    Aug 30, 2009 5:06 PM GMT
    I know my parents didn't have kids until their late twenties, early thirties. So I think you could just put your thoughts on the back burner and wait until your settled before the question becomes really important.
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    Aug 30, 2009 5:48 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    True that, lilTanker, we thought alot about it after we met. Others really wanted to see it happen as well.

    Instead we became favourite Uncles for a slew of 2-5 year old nephews and nieces, and you know, they confided in us things they'd never tell their parents. They're all in their 20s now. lol, sometimes it feels like we raised them.







    I concur with Bill and Doug. For a long time, I wanted to be a dad and be a young dad at that. Now at 47, I have mourned and put away my potential to because a dad and love the fact that friends see me as a great role model for their kids. And I get to send them home! lol
  • pelotudo87

    Posts: 225

    Aug 30, 2009 7:34 PM GMT
    It probably is a little bit both biological and social, I'd have to agree.

    And I've dealt with this same issue, too, dude.


    Honestly, I don't think I'll ever have children. Throughout my childhood I feel like I had to take on an enormous amount of responsibility (honors program at school with a LIFE CONSUMING amount of homework, death of a man-whore father and the brokenness of my mother, escaping from a cult church), as well as my battle with obesity.

    But now that that's all over, I feel like I'm finally enjoying life--and I don't think I'll EVER want to have kids and take on the immense responbility (I believe once you have kids, they become your primary responsibility, NOT yourself).


    I mean, yes, things may change--but you have to do some serious soul searching and decide what it is YOU want, and not what OTHERS wants, or even what your BIOLOGY wants.


  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Aug 30, 2009 8:05 PM GMT
    Yes, I want to have my own biological kids. But I am a gay men. I never been and not sure I can penetrated a women. My religious upbringing require me to have kid with a women who is my legitimate wife. So surrogate motherhood is unlikely. Unless I want to do what most gay men in my country is doing and do the Brokeback Marriage stuff, the chance for me to have my own biological kids is really non existed. Probably if somehow , I can do the clone, but than some women need to carry the child , right . So again .. not possible.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 30, 2009 8:14 PM GMT
    I have always believed that I would have kids, even if it's own my own. I think children are an understandable deal breaker in a relationship; if a woman wanted kids, but they guy she was with didn't, no one think twice if she left the relationship. If children are really an important aspect to your how you want to live your life, you have every right to pursue it. It does sound though, at least from your passing genes comment, that your reason for wanting kids is flawed. You shouldn't have children to pass on your legacy. You have kids because you love them and want be a father, etc....
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    Aug 30, 2009 8:24 PM GMT
    I want kids. And while I'd love to procreate, I would honestly feeling guilty about it when there are so many kids who need homes because they are orphaned. If I have kids I think I'll adopt.
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    Aug 30, 2009 8:41 PM GMT
    I have wanted kids for so many years.I have volunteered with youth groups to stay connected with the kiddy crowd. Unfortunately, I never got to actually have kids of my own. At 44 I find that this would be a great time. I am financially sound, I am at place in my career where I make the rules and schedules and I am comfortable enough to enjjoy kids rather than be a dad that come home from work and ignores his kids. A long story to say waiting is not all that bad.icon_wink.gif
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Aug 30, 2009 8:54 PM GMT
    Yo:
    Husband needed; then, find a Wife who is n2 having 2 husbands (the easy part) and wants to have kids w/ the both of us! ...FYI . . .
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Aug 30, 2009 9:04 PM GMT
    We do want to have kids. I don't know why, but we know we want them. We have a couple of options. We each have a sister, so we are considering cross breeding the family genes (my sister has agreed). We also are considering using my DNA, and mixing it with a paid (non relative) surrogate of his ethnicity. Lastly adoption is an option.
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    Aug 30, 2009 9:05 PM GMT
    mailbox saidI have wanted kids for so many years.I have volunteered with youth groups to stay connected with the kiddy crowd. Unfortunately, I never got to actually have kids of my own. At 44 I find that this would be a great time. I am financially sound, I am at place in my career where I make the rules and schedules and I am comfortable enough to enjjoy kids rather than be a dad that come home from work and ignores his kids. A long story to say waiting is not all that bad.icon_wink.gif


    Yeah I think I'm worrying about it way too early. Financially we wouldn't be ready to have kids for another 4 to five years anyway. Even then I want to wait until I'm in my 30's because I would've had a chance to enjoy my youth and pursue my dreams. That way if I have any kids I can focuss on them more and think less about anything I never got a chance to pursue. Unlike females most males have the luxury of always being fertile. So I guess I have plenty of time to figure things out.

    I do know I would be happy with about 2 or 3. If I did 3 the third would definitely be adopted. I guess I'll start opening up that dialogue now and find out where we really stand as a couple.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Aug 31, 2009 7:53 PM GMT
    Halo,
    that is a superb post. God Love you for being responsible and enjoying it too. One can easily tell your child Loves his Dad; the picture is gr8!
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    Aug 31, 2009 8:19 PM GMT
    I don't mean to sound rude or anything, it really isn't my intention. But get a dog if you don't have one. While it is perfectly natural to desire, it sounds like something else is compelling you. Getting a dog to take care of might both save the relationships impending explosion and fill a role to satisfy your urges.

    But, for fuck's sake, sit down and take to your boyfriend about this. He is dropping hints, which means it is high time you beat this issue to pieces.
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    Aug 31, 2009 8:29 PM GMT
    I don't think it matters why you want them as long as you are committed to making parenting your number one priority.

    I have always known I was going to have kids... it's getting close to the time where I need to figure it out. I can't imagine doing it on my own but would rather not do it than do it with someone who was only partially committed to the process.

    It's a decision that has gnawed at my heart for years and if I don't I know I'll be very sad for having not done it. I have wonderful relationships with my nieces and nephews but belonging to a child is so different. Nothing compares to the conflict I've had over this, so I empathize with your position.

    Just don't let your life's happiness be contingent upon having a child, the only bigger loss than not sharing your life with a child, would be losing all other great potentials of happiness for having not.

    I agree with MunchieZombie... not about the dog, but that you do need to sit down and talk to your bf about what having kids means to you. Brace yourself for a hard talk because they don't always go well, but at least where ever you go from there is based on dealing with your needs and wants... not the aversion of them.

    Good luck
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    Aug 31, 2009 10:23 PM GMT
    There are a lot of resaons to have kids and a lot not ot have kids.

    Imitating a heterosexual lifestyle, might come into it, but then again a true love of child might as well.

    Right now, I don't want kids and don't see myself wanting them. They are just a big pain in the butt.
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    Sep 06, 2009 9:21 PM GMT
    Have puppies instead.icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 06, 2009 9:44 PM GMT
    The key here is-- is this a deal breaker? Thats the decision you have to make... if it is, you better sit down and have the conversation, if he says too bad, its time to move on...
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    Sep 06, 2009 9:52 PM GMT
    21 seems a bit too early to have kids. Especially in a gay relationship. However, no reason not to in the long run, if it's really important to you.

    Who knows? If you wait long enough, there might even be a way for you and your partner to have biological children together.
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    Sep 06, 2009 10:08 PM GMT
    Halfstep said

    Any body else out there want kids? Why? How do you plan to do it? If you have a bf, does your partner agree? Or is he undecided?


    Every once in a while I have the desire for children, and then, like today in the store where I saw the little girl kicking and screaming and being carried out of the store because her parents wouldn't buy her the big box of powdered Kool-Aid, I am happy that I don't have them and I don't want them anymore.

    My spouse strongly dislikes children (he is German afterall, so that's to be expected) and so we've kind of come to an understanding that we will not have children...and I am okay with that too. However, I do think that we would be tremendous parents.

    It appears that you're putting a lot of thought into it and that bodes well for you being a parent...and that's certainly better for the child than someone who..oops...ends up with one.

    However, let me pontificate: you're way too young to have children Halfstep! Hold off on that for another decade and then if you feel the same way, work it out with your hubby then.


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    Sep 09, 2009 3:41 PM GMT
    I definitely want children in the future. I will probably adopt a child at the first possible chance that I am able to provide full care for that child and any others.

    My partner already has a child from a previous relationship, so I've been helping to raise our Little Man since I was 19. Right now, E (our son) is running around, being a superhero. I love him and I would never look at him as not being my child, even if I know he is not my biological son.

    I think that my partner is sometimes iffy on the idea of extending the child-raising period and maybe doesn't always have interest in raising someone else's child. Right now, that is exactly what I am doing and I can't imagine not adopting a child. I think that bringing more children into a world where so many already need help would be incredibly selfish on my part. I dont have the need to pass on my genes. I want to take care of children that may not have had as good of a life if I wasn't in it.

    When it comes down to it, if my partner decided that he didn't want to adopt and take care of more children, I would probably leave him. I feel that bringing hope and a good future to children is more important than keeping a grown man happy, regardless of how I feel about that man. I don't mind giving up on relationships or my youth as long as I am providing opportunities for children that deserve to live as well as or better than I am now.
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    Sep 12, 2009 6:07 AM GMT
    juishe saidI want kids. And while I'd love to procreate, I would honestly feeling guilty about it when there are so many kids who need homes because they are orphaned. If I have kids I think I'll adopt.


    Right on, Juishe. I was having a conversation with someone about the same thing. About how many displaced children we have out there in need of GOOD parents..that I kind of feel like it'd be wrong of me to create new life when we have so many out there in need of love and support as it is..

    One day I hope to start a family. Some of you might deem this crazy but I want about 4-5 kids.. I think that's a good number.

    Halfstep, don't give up on your ambition to start a family if that's something you really want. Just be sure it's coming from an honest, loving place and with your future children (biological or not) what you want to teach and bestow upon them. When you start raising a family, you're life isn't just about you and/or your partner anymore. It's about those kids.