When in a relationship do you start to discuss your sexual history... or do you?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 30, 2009 7:28 PM GMT
    I've been seeing someone very casually since about April. We've had discussions about safe sex and STDs, very candidly. We're both clean.

    For a while now we've had conversations about past relationships, when it came up in conversation. But now he's wanting a detailed sexual history... names, dates, and specific activity. All of it.

    I objected. He said, "that's just something you have to do." I said, "No, it's not."

    To me, that's a bit like letting someone read your journal or see your tax returns. Mind you, while only casually dating. And when I say casually dating, I mean dating, not screwing.

    I get the feeling his interest is more prurient than pragmatic and it's put me off a bit.

    Any thoughts on this?
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    Aug 30, 2009 9:39 PM GMT
    I say you take the high road and open the dialogue past "It's just something you do," and "No, it's not." Maybe there's a good reason. I personally, cannot think of one, but maybe there is one. Either way, you won't find out about it until you talk about it. And if there isn't a good reason, then you can rest assured that you're being reasonable in your response?
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    Aug 30, 2009 11:13 PM GMT
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Aug 30, 2009 11:30 PM GMT
    I think it is a big red flag, "Something you just have to do". If it were me I think I would start backing away from this, it will never end, and only his insecurity is driving this. If not this it will be something else. There is no good reason to have to give your sexual past to someone, unless it is an open ended sharing between the 2 of you. End it quick. Good Luck.
  • nadaquever_rm

    Posts: 139

    Aug 30, 2009 11:46 PM GMT
    It might be something he does, but it's clearly something you don't just do. Besides, you're just casually dating, which isn't enough of a relationship to matter.

    Even if you become boyfriends at some point and he has a reason for wanting to know, it still won't obligate you to tell. That is your call.

    I'd bet he's either pure as snow or slutty as all hell and is trying to make sure you are in the same boat.
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    Aug 30, 2009 11:56 PM GMT
    One of the first things I bring up. There is so much pressure to know what role you play, etc. etc. etc. and to be frank some of us still don't know because of lack of experience. So, if the guy already knows what he wants and will not be patient then he can move on
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 30, 2009 11:58 PM GMT
    Unless you have a communicable disease you don't have to tell this guy anything

    What I would do if faced with someone who wanted that kind of information?
    I'd tell him I was a virgin

    What?... You wanted me to tell you something so now I'm telling you icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 31, 2009 12:05 AM GMT
    You don't have to tell him anything you don't want to. Whether you're dating, fucking, married, whatever - he has no right to ask for this information.
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    Aug 31, 2009 12:13 AM GMT
    syd_hockey_79 saidYou don't have to tell him anything you don't want to. Whether you're dating, fucking, married, whatever - he has no right to ask for this information.

    OOOH I sooooooooooooooooo have to totally disagree with this bitch icon_razz.gif

    He totally has the right to ask and you TOTALLY have the right to refuse answering.

    icon_razz.gif

    Past relationships are not topics of discussion in currant relationships, once you your self have moved on and placed it where it belongs you are done with it, what you and he should be most concerned about is that you have learnt enough from these past events to satisfy demands placed upon you now and in the future...
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Aug 31, 2009 12:18 AM GMT

    Red Flag ... communicating life-threatening disease and the like is a must ... otherwise, you owe him nothing.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Aug 31, 2009 12:22 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidPast relationships are not topics of discussion in currant relationships,

    Not so much. Sometimes its ok, if it is relevant, but it is to be done carefully, if at all. There is almost no way to do this carefully. Ask him why he wants to know (as a previous poster said) then decide what you want to tell him. It may be innocent, it may be curiosity, and it may be insecurity.... or it may be something entirely different.
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    Aug 31, 2009 12:32 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    He totally has the right to ask and you TOTALLY have the right to refuse answering.

    That's pretty much where I'm at with it. And he totally has the live with the consequences of my judging his motives, which is what I'm pondering now.
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    Aug 31, 2009 12:35 AM GMT
    getfitrick said
    communicating life-threatening disease and the like is a must ... otherwise, you owe him nothing.

    I thought about that also. I think he's probably sat in on some public health seminar about HIV/AIDS and what happens if you test positive. From what I understand, you're asked to give a sexual history so your past partners can be notified.

    I think he's somehow gotten confused on when disclosing a complete sexual history is appropriate or necessary.
  • D972

    Posts: 125

    Aug 31, 2009 12:56 AM GMT
    Well, maybe he is trying to judge the type of person you are now by what you did in your past?

    Perhaps he doesn't want to be with someone that takes or took a lot of risk and he is trying to determine if you are one of those people ...

    Or maybe he is just afraid of catching HIV.

    I agree with others, he can ask,you can also refuse, but you both pay the consequences ... of going your own way which might be avoidable if you talk a little and honestly about your sexual history. There has to be some compromise you can make. Have you asked why this is important to him?

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    Aug 31, 2009 1:10 AM GMT
    Obviously you aren't obligated to tell him anything, but I fail to see how this is a "red flag" or how it's inappropriate for him to ask at this stage.

    Even if he's just asking to get off on the information, I don't comprehend why you are still seeing him if the idea is quite so distasteful to you.
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    Aug 31, 2009 1:12 AM GMT

    lol, you can remember all the names and calendar dates when stuff happened? (Holy cow, I can't!)


    Like some of the posters say, he could be just worried about settling in to something serious with someone who's other than what he believes.

    Of course you owe each other nothing, but then, relationships are about giving to one another. Think of it like trading marbles or bubble gum cards. We did.

    Personally, I don't think there's harm in saying,
    "After you."

    You could say that you've had failed relationships and that you'd like to know him a lot better before sharing past intimacies in detail, but that brief summaries are OK.
    OR
    You could also tell him that your personal history and the men in it are details you'd prefer waiting to tell the one that you're spending the rest of your life with, and that you guys haven't gotten there yet.


    -Doug
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    Aug 31, 2009 1:15 AM GMT
    superchump said
    Even if he's just asking to get off on the information, I don't see why you are still seeing him if the idea is quite so distasteful to you.

    Uh, maybe because I like the guy and wouldn't ditch someone over one offputting remark that he may not have even realized could be offensive.
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    Aug 31, 2009 1:18 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    You could say that you've had failed relationships and that you'd like to know him a lot better before sharing past intimacies in detail, but that brief summaries are OK.

    That's pretty much where we've already gotten to up until now. We've discussed past relationships (me more than him), but never before has he so insistently pressed me for details.
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    Aug 31, 2009 1:20 AM GMT
    Global_Citizen said
    Uh, maybe because I like the guy and wouldn't ditch someone over one offputting remark that he may not have even realized could be offensive.


    I was not suggesting that you dump him, sir.

    I was wondering how you could enjoy his company this much and still be so offended.

    But I guess it's pretty silly of me to wonder aloud at your personal feelings, so sorry for that.
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    Aug 31, 2009 1:42 AM GMT
    Global_Citizen said
    lilTanker said
    He totally has the right to ask and you TOTALLY have the right to refuse answering.

    That's pretty much where I'm at with it. And he totally has the live with the consequences of my judging his motives, which is what I'm pondering now.


    Personally, I believe that these conversations (sexual history with regards to specific individuals in your past), should wait until you have been together for a few years. Once you know his heart and understand his history (baggage and all). These conversations can be awkward and if you don't believe that this is the right time - then you NEED to wait and you both need to give this relationship time to mature.

    He needs to respect your need for privacy. If he is being insistent, then maybe you need to ask him to do so explicitly. Peace!
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    Aug 31, 2009 1:48 AM GMT
    superchump said
    But I guess it's pretty silly of me to wonder aloud at your personal feelings, so sorry for that.

    No problem. icon_cool.gif And welcome to RJ.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 31, 2009 2:18 AM GMT
    The better question is why he doesn't seem able to act like an adult and respect your decision in the matter. It's not you, it's him.
  • pelotudo87

    Posts: 225

    Aug 31, 2009 2:59 AM GMT
    Well, I guess I'd need to know more about how he asked you.

    Even though I'm a complete dating/sex virgin, my opinion is that anyone you do sexual stuff with has a right to know your history. Maybe not who you were with, but I think anyone should be able to ask 1.) How many, and 2.) How recently...but that's just my opinion.
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    Aug 31, 2009 5:48 AM GMT
    Global_Citizen saidI've been seeing someone very casually since about April. We've had discussions about safe sex and STDs, very candidly. We're both clean.

    For a while now we've had conversations about past relationships, when it came up in conversation. But now he's wanting a detailed sexual history... names, dates, and specific activity. All of it.

    I objected. He said, "that's just something you have to do." I said, "No, it's not."

    To me, that's a bit like letting someone read your journal or see your tax returns. Mind you, while only casually dating. And when I say casually dating, I mean dating, not screwing.

    I get the feeling his interest is more prurient than pragmatic and it's put me off a bit.

    Any thoughts on this?



    I was dating someone for a couple of months who is now my BF, and during that time period we both opened up each others' chapter's of our lives like an open book after having gone out on several dates! personally if someone takes an interest about you and you about them it is only fair both of you opened up to each others' private lives, but ONLY if both of you feel a strong and real mutual connection!?

    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 31, 2009 6:41 AM GMT
    I figure he doesn't need to know about the time I was tied up nekkid with an apple in my mouth while 15 little people dressed as flying monkeys slapped my ass with wet celery stalks and violated me with a 40oz bottle of cheap malt liquor. Some things are like private and stuff.