In the next two years...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 31, 2009 2:36 PM GMT
    I was talking to one of my best friends yesterday. For years, he has been talking about how bad he wants to get married. Yesterday, he said that in the next two years all of our friends will be married with kids, but me. He has a girlfriend that lives in a different state. Another friend of ours is looking for houses with his girlfriend of two years. He also said that since we are all turning 30 in the next year that we are behind schedule. I was like, thanks a lot. It really sucks because I feel like the odd man out.

    Has anybody else gone through a situation similar to this with your straight friends? And how did you handle it?
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    Aug 31, 2009 2:38 PM GMT
    lol, Balljunkie, you could tell them that true love has no schedule.icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 31, 2009 2:41 PM GMT
    You ARE the odd man out. So what? If everyone else wants to beat the clock to getting settled in, why should you?

    They have their reasons for getting hitched. Hopefully, its because they love each other and not because they are rushing it.

    My friends know me, and realize that I am who I am and I won't/can't just rush things in the love department. Even though I would like one of those dreamy "but it takes a lot of work" long term relationships, I'm quite happy doing my thing as a single guy and enjoying life in the meantime.

    That's what i tell them.



  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Aug 31, 2009 2:42 PM GMT
    Not really, all my str8 buddies and their families love having me around, and on occation attempt to hook me up with some friend of theirs..
    which i hate because the guys they attempt to hook me up with are too fem for my liking.............
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    Sep 02, 2009 12:26 AM GMT
    thanks for the advice, guys.

    I talked to my other friends and they all agree that they are trying to get married in the next two years. The whole discussion is a subtle slap in the face that gay marriage is still illegal.

    I wonder will the guys just let themselves go, never have any guy nights without their wives, and become a boring married couple.
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    Sep 02, 2009 12:34 AM GMT
    Balljunkie saidThe whole discussion is a subtle slap in the face that gay marriage is still illegal.

    I know this might come as a shocking surprise, but not everything is about you.

    He wants to get married.. he isn't thinking about what you want, he's thinking for himself..

    Would you be in a committed and settled relationship in the next two years?
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Sep 02, 2009 12:43 AM GMT
    There's a whole of reasons why you can't compare their situation to yours:

    * Social Pressure: The societal pressure to get married to a member of the opposite sex in our culture is tremendous. Grandparents ask, "So, when are you getting married," or, "When are you giving us grandchildren?" So, to come out as a gay person, you've already bucked the system by coming out as gay. This throws a wrench in social convention.

    * Coming Out: I'm guessing you didn't start dating guys at the same age your friends started dating members of the opposite sex. So, they've had more time to play the field, meet that special someone, and settle down. You probably also had less of a dating pool to choose from than they did. In other words, they had a big head start.

    * Marriage: Of course, as a gay man, it's not easy to get married -- or have (or adopt) children -- in most parts of the country as it is for a straight person.

    * Priorities: Many gay men aren't interested in marriage. Many gay men aren't interested in children. Or, at least, get to it at a later age than most straight people, though this is changing.

    But, let's face it, who knows what their relationships are going to look like in 2, 5, 10 years. They could be divorced and remarried in that time. Marriage is a nice ideal, but marriage isn't perfect. There's no guarantee they're going to be happy.

    So, I wouldn't beat myself up over the comparison. Yes, I've been where you're at. It is a bit odd to have straight, but even some gay, friends in a different place in life than you are. It is an adjustment. But, you can't live your life compared to the way they're living their lives. You're on a different path. That doesn't mean you're not going to end up in a rewarding place on your own. So, don't sweat it. Accept that "different" doesn't mean bad or less than what your friends are going through. It can be rich in its own right.
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    Sep 02, 2009 12:48 AM GMT
    Is there any reason why you couldn't be in a committed relationship? I don't see how the absence of legal marriage would stop that. The presence of legal marriage among the straights hasn't stopped them from deciding to get into non-legally bound committed relationships (and it's increase over the years).

    Plus is there a ticking clock or something I don't know about?
  • Matia79

    Posts: 215

    Sep 02, 2009 12:53 AM GMT
    Seems like all my straight friends are married or engaged and my gay friends are in longterm relationships. It used to make me a little depressed until I realized I was actually happy and I definitely don't begrudge their choices. Being comfortable when you're alone is one thing . . . but learning to be happy when its just you is another.
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    Sep 02, 2009 1:38 AM GMT
    Matia79 saidSeems like all my straight friends are married or engaged and my gay friends are in longterm relationships. It used to make me a little depressed until I realized I was actually happy and I definitely don't begrudge their choices. Being comfortable when you're alone is one thing . . . but learning to be happy when its just you is another.


    Exactly, there is a difference between being alone and lonely. Great point icon_smile.gif

    Find that happiness. And be happy for your friends icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 02, 2009 1:39 AM GMT
    EricLA saidThere's a whole of reasons why you can't compare their situation to yours:

    * Social Pressure: The societal pressure to get married to a member of the opposite sex in our culture is tremendous. Grandparents ask, "So, when are you getting married," or, "When are you giving us grandchildren?" So, to come out as a gay person, you've already bucked the system by coming out as gay. This throws a wrench in social convention.

    * Coming Out: I'm guessing you didn't start dating guys at the same age your friends started dating members of the opposite sex. So, they've had more time to play the field, meet that special someone, and settle down. You probably also had less of a dating pool to choose from than they did. In other words, they had a big head start.

    * Marriage: Of course, as a gay man, it's not easy to get married -- or have (or adopt) children -- in most parts of the country as it is for a straight person.

    * Priorities: Many gay men aren't interested in marriage. Many gay men aren't interested in children. Or, at least, get to it at a later age than most straight people, though this is changing.

    But, let's face it, who knows what their relationships are going to look like in 2, 5, 10 years. They could be divorced and remarried in that time. Marriage is a nice ideal, but marriage isn't perfect. There's no guarantee they're going to be happy.

    So, I wouldn't beat myself up over the comparison. Yes, I've been where you're at. It is a bit odd to have straight, but even some gay, friends in a different place in life than you are. It is an adjustment. But, you can't live your life compared to the way they're living their lives. You're on a different path. That doesn't mean you're not going to end up in a rewarding place on your own. So, don't sweat it. Accept that "different" doesn't mean bad or less than what your friends are going through. It can be rich in its own right.


    Thanks a lot, Eric. This is the best advice.

    And Liltanker, I hear what you are saying. And it is me being selfish.
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    Sep 02, 2009 1:45 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    Balljunkie saidThe whole discussion is a subtle slap in the face that gay marriage is still illegal.

    I know this might come as a shocking surprise, but not everything is about you.

    He wants to get married.. he isn't thinking about what you want, he's thinking for himself..

    Would you be in a committed and settled relationship in the next two years?


    And I forgot to add: he doesn't have a steady girlfriend. He is trying to find a girl and get married in two years. Every girl he meets, he tells them that is his plan.
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    Sep 02, 2009 2:00 AM GMT
    Actually, for me it's quite different. In my circle of friends (all straight) only one guy is married, the rest of the guys and gals are single and loving it. I think the married guy is slightly jealous of the singledom enjoyed by the others.

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    Sep 02, 2009 2:11 AM GMT
    Balljunkie said
    lilTanker said
    Balljunkie saidThe whole discussion is a subtle slap in the face that gay marriage is still illegal.

    I know this might come as a shocking surprise, but not everything is about you.

    He wants to get married.. he isn't thinking about what you want, he's thinking for himself..

    Would you be in a committed and settled relationship in the next two years?


    And I forgot to add: he doesn't have a steady girlfriend. He is trying to find a girl and get married in two years. Every girl he meets, he tells them that is his plan.

    I still fail to see how that is about you, homosexual marriage or the legality of it.

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    Sep 02, 2009 4:43 AM GMT
    syd_hockey_79 saidActually, for me it's quite different. In my circle of friends (all straight) only one guy is married, the rest of the guys and gals are single and loving it. I think the married guy is slightly jealous of the singledom enjoyed by the others.


    Different for me too, in a different way. In my circle of friends (all straight couples) I'm the first to have kids, and my NRLP had the easiest time getting pregnant, despite our unconventional approach--quite ironic! (Either she's incredibly fertile, or I've got super sperm.)

    By now everybody in my circle has at least one child.