Why Do I Always Have to Pursue Him? Why Can't It Ever Be The Other Way Around?

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    Aug 31, 2009 8:25 PM GMT
    I write this out of a genuine frusteration that I've experienced in the gay dating scene/hookup. Whenever I see a guy at a club, or where ever, who I find attractive, I approach him. Mostly, I am successful in bedding my conquest, but there have been instances where I've been rejected.

    I don't know if guys who go out are just shy, or if there's something about me that's just down right unapproachable, but I find that if I make the first move, I have success. This is just in regards to hooking up though. In terms of dating, I have not had such success.

    I realize people don't go to clubs looking for a date, but damn, it's ridiculous how difficult it is to find a guy who is genuinly interested and wants to pursue ME for a damn change.

    Who else feels the same?
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    Sep 01, 2009 4:38 PM GMT
    There are nice guys out there, a few, but they are out there. Do you want to know how I know there are some nice guys out there? I know because I am one of those. Keep looking and don't give up because I know you will find him.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Sep 01, 2009 4:49 PM GMT
    Life works like this lol

    You pursue a person you like and they may or may not like you, in most cases they don't. Then someone pursues you and they like you a lot but you don't necessarily feel the same about them icon_razz.gif

    I always msg, txt, email, IM, call, etc, first and make all the plans and ask the main questions first. It would be nice if someone made the first moves on me and we both liked each other equally. It has happened a few times, but the "excitement" and thrill of meeting someone who may be a potential bf dies away quickly icon_sad.gif
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    Sep 01, 2009 5:00 PM GMT
    "Why Do I Always Have to Pursue Him? Why Can't It Ever Be The Other Way Around?"


    i ask myself the same question everyday...and what makes it more painful is when your friends keep asking you while stating all the positive things about you...."why are you single"?
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    Sep 01, 2009 5:23 PM GMT
    Jmuscle33 saidLife works like this lol

    You pursue a person you like and they may or may not like you, in most cases they don't. Then someone pursues you and they like you a lot but you don't necessarily feel the same about them... />

    Agree. It's one thing to trick, another to date. The latter takes more interest than the former.

    The OP should be grateful he gets to trick; some guys don't even get that far. And among the tricks you may find the follow-up date, and then the BF, and then... who knows? That's how it worked for me.

    As for why you're not being pursued, I haven't seen your (the OP's) pic. Maybe you dress wrong. Maybe you are indeed a bit intimidating & unapproachable. I was shocked when someone told me that about myself. I thought I was all friendly & open, but other guys saw me differently, perhaps a leftover from my Army Officer days.

    Rather than argue the point with them, I went to work correcting it. If you're reasonably attractive, and don't have an incurably obnoxious personality, you can overcome any obstacles you may have to being approached by other guys.
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    Sep 01, 2009 5:56 PM GMT
    I'm tired of guys who clearly show interest but don't have any conversational and flirting skills.

    The scenario at a club or bar is that someone will show interest and stand or sit next to me. I'm relaxed. My body language says I'm "open". I may smile. But the guys say nothing. He looks at me a lot, alternating with staring off into space. Or fidgets with his phone or whatever.

    What do these guys think? By just standing there i will instantly strike up a conversation? That I will be impressed and awe stricken by their sheer beauty and being?

    Say something damit! Show me you have a brain and a personality. It IS possible to be a hot beast in bed AND be smart. Hot guys are a dime a dozen. Show me you have something else goin on besides your masculine pose and gym body.

    And being a little nervous is fine, in fact sexy.

    Last week, this hunky gorgeous guy stood next to me and towered over me, leaning closer into me and kept on grabbing his crotch. ( as if so say, "here it is baby, want it?"). But he wasn't man enough to utter a word. He marched off in a big huff probably thinking I was a snob. (maybe I am). Sure, it was tempting. I got needs and testosterone too but that routine gets tired after a while.

    When I go through the challenge of approaching a guy, overcoming my own shyness and have something intelligent or funny to say, it usually works and the guy opens up. I get rejected sometimes too. That's show business.

    But shit. Why does it always have to be me making the effort?

    I'm left wondering what else I have to do, or change, or improve to change this situation. My breathe and body smell is fine. Anyone who knows me enjoys my sense of humor and goes out of their way to hang with me

    My friends think it is a big joke and laugh when this happens......and it is, sadly, laughingly ridiculous. They ask me why I "let" that guy get away. Some of the nicest looking guys have done this silent routine, and because they just stand there and be mute, I quickly loose interest.

    There's only so much I can do to help the other guy feel more at ease. What about making an effort to make me feel at ease?

    Speak up guys!

    Sorry for the rant.

  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 01, 2009 6:34 PM GMT
    Well just like a lot of guys here I get hit on a lot and asked on dates quite often(some guys don't have any taste!) but ninety nine percent of the time not my type. Many gay men are just serial daters so they ask anyone, even me. The guy that I do like I chase...and chase...and chase....because it is rare that I find someone that really piques my attention. Unfortunately I find it charming when a guy doesn't have many social skills and is somewhat shy and reserved. Hence the chasing chasing chasing....
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    Sep 01, 2009 6:40 PM GMT
    "Many gay men are just serial daters"...that sums up a lot of gay and straight men today. They have been raised believing they could or should by their parents and all those that said "yes". Mommas don't let your babies grow up to be serial daters.
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    Sep 02, 2009 11:53 PM GMT
    It's because we still live in a society where it's ingrained into most gay men from the moment they discover their same-sex attraction that, say the wrong thing to the wrong guy, and you might get beat up REAL bad, or killed. It's not like the porno flicks where you will convince the hot straight guy to try it once. It's more like getting beaten up so badly that the ER staff thought you were in a bad car accident and you end up with PTSD to boot. We have no clue how to even approach each other when the scene is safe because of yet another setback - gay men absolutely love to reject each other. I think they get off on that more than they get off on looking at themselves in the mirror. When you are part of a group that is still seen as the lowest on the food chain, it's members have nobody to feel better than, so they go after each other with a vengeance. So when you figure in all that, you have so many gay men who pass each other every single day in school, cafes, restaurants, malls, at work, anywhere, and say nothing for the reasons I mentioned above. Then you have the internet, which is now littered with so many closet cases (I'd say it's almost 3 to 1 now) that 'asking him out' or 'dating' is not even on his radar. He wants to 'get his' and make it clear that you never acknowledge him in public ever again.

    There are so many of us who have spent years pursuing the very few, shrinking pool of available, not fucked up gay men who would be good dating choices only to find out that you're just not tall enough, you don't have the right job, you don't drive the right car, you didn't go to grad school, you don't speak correctly, you don't have this, you don't look like so-and-so and have said screw it.

    These are the people who are on the other side of the gay community that nobody wants to hear from and nobody listens to because it paints the true picture of what gay life is like for about 80% of us rather than what the HRC wants you to think or the 'we are all looking forward to finally getting married!' gay marriage folks who've forgotten about the rest of us who haven't found shit. Sorry to be harsh, but I'm sick and tired of listening to these activists who are more self-important than the anti-health care people when I wish they would look around them at the rest of the GLBT community and get it in their heads that, hey, there are some other gay people out there who have other needs and problems right now that have nothing to do with getting married.
  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    Sep 03, 2009 12:17 AM GMT
    Sweet Jesus I thought this was only me!!!! This is one of the reason I stopped going out to bars. The only guys who seem to approach me to talk and shoot the sh*t are straight guys at the gym (just my luck).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2009 12:29 AM GMT
    So you approach guys and you're usually successful. How is that a problem?
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    Sep 03, 2009 12:34 AM GMT
    DuluthMN said ]There are so many of us who have spent years pursuing the very few, shrinking pool of available, not fucked up gay men who would be good dating choices only to find out that you're just not tall enough, you don't have the right job, you don't drive the right car, you didn't go to grad school, you don't speak correctly, you don't have this, you don't look like so-and-so and have said screw it.

    Projecting ultra-negativity guarantees that few will ever pursue you no matter what criteria you meet.

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    Sep 03, 2009 12:44 AM GMT
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and put in my 2 cents.

    From experience, most of these people who you seem to chase and chase and chase are just plain nervous OR they have low self esteem and can't understand why you would be interested in them. I guess some can be just plain not interested.

    I grew up with 6 beautiful sisters. I can rememeber they would rarely if ever get asked out because I think most guys assumed they were taken OR they are not confident enough to make initial contact.

    When you go to a bar and sit next to someone you like, it's only human nature that sometimes you have to start the conversation. That person sitting there could be intimidated by your energy or good looks.

    IF everytime you have to make the first move, try meeting a guy in another atmosphere different from a bar or wherever you are having difficulty. Maybe join a sports team...a club or maybe try an art gallery. Who knows.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Sep 03, 2009 12:53 AM GMT
    I recall a poll taken here that asked whether we prefer to be the pursuer or the pursued, and the majority responded that they prefer to be pursued. So it's not surprising why you are always taking the initial step.

    But don't think you are the one who is always making the first move. I think quite a few guys take the passive aggressive approach to nabbing a man. You may believe you are taking the first step, but it's only as a result of their subtle strategies of getting you to come to them.


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    Sep 03, 2009 1:09 AM GMT
    you're having a hard time finding a quality guy - because:

    1/ you go to bars, that is a no no! I used to do the same thing, bars and clubs are just for hook-ups and slutting around, not finding someone serious.

    2/ Sometimes when you're doing the pursuing (not knowing the guy yet), it might come off as desperate and like "i need a bf asap", some guys will be afraid and be scare off of your tactics/approach.

    3/ Some guys are serial daters, some guys are just sluts, some are nice and some are just assholes - the key is - be friends first, build a strong foundation, go out, be casual, not too attached, don't expect much and when it happens, it'll happen.

    4/ I find that when I'm focusing on my career/writing, not clubbing - tons of guys want to date/chase me - huh, that's weird right?

    Good luck to you. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2009 1:10 AM GMT
    LOL
    I got the same problem man! minus the sucessful part!

    Who knows...stop trying is what everyone has told me sooo......


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    Sep 03, 2009 1:30 AM GMT
    I feel your pain. While I have pretty much given up on pursuing anyone I would like to be pursed myself change.

    It's for nothing personal but damn if it doesn't make a person feel good especially when you are pursued by someone who find attractive. Being coy and playing hard to get is a turn in some situations when you know the person is playing along.

    In your case I think you should just continue doing what you are doing since you are obviously successful in that aspect. Maybe the next time you decide to pursue someone they might flip it on you. Some people do the "Spider and Wasp" routine.

    You can look at it from from ways. You could be the spider who patiently waits in it's web to catch something and oh look a big fat juicy wasp has gotten trapped. Jackpot right? Could be or maybe this wasp intentionally got caught because it's the kind that goes after spiders and sought you out. Preadotr can become prey and sometimes it's such a turn on.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 03, 2009 1:49 AM GMT
    I generally am pursued, not the other way around. I can only remember a time or two I've ever pursued anyone.

    Not really sure how or why that happens... even when I had girlfriends in my 20's, I was made very much aware of the interest of the girl. Since being exposed to the gay scene, I've been in a relationship, so it wouldn't be appropriate for me to pursue anyone......but even if I were single, I doubt if it would be much of a priority.
  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    Sep 03, 2009 2:24 AM GMT
    I always fall for guys who are straight or taken.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 03, 2009 9:52 AM GMT
    Because the people in bars and clubs are used to the game playing ways ... if you're going to stick to meeting your men there you have seen what you're going to get
    also all people feel vulnerable and are afraid of rejection
    which is why guys will come next to you KissingPro and grab their crotch instead of coming up to you to introduce themselves
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    Sep 03, 2009 10:01 AM GMT
    bartnews saidSo you approach guys and you're usually successful. How is that a problem?


    My first thought also, except I find myself in his position constantly. I am the aggressor, I have a damn good track record and yet almost no one approaches me. I had two guys at different times approach me on the beach and I "let" them take me back to my place where I proceeded to ... well nevermind lol. But the overwhelming majority of the time I never get approached and I am a friendly outgoing kinda guy. What am I doing wrong?

    Anyway I understand your position.
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    Sep 03, 2009 3:09 PM GMT
    Northernguy007 saidI'm going to go out on a limb here and put in my 2 cents.

    From experience, most of these people who you seem to chase and chase and chase are just plain nervous OR they have low self esteem and can't understand why you would be interested in them. I guess some can be just plain not interested.

    I grew up with 6 beautiful sisters. I can rememeber they would rarely if ever get asked out because I think most guys assumed they were taken OR they are not confident enough to make initial contact.

    When you go to a bar and sit next to someone you like, it's only human nature that sometimes you have to start the conversation. That person sitting there could be intimidated by your energy or good looks.

    IF everytime you have to make the first move, try meeting a guy in another atmosphere different from a bar or wherever you are having difficulty. Maybe join a sports team...a club or maybe try an art gallery. Who knows.


    BINGO. Practically all my life I wasn't a bar person, but 3 years after ending a 15 year relationship I decided I needed to get my feet wet and see how it works in bars.


    And while I have basically had a good time there and made some good friends ( and occasionally a great hookup), it seems like way too much work to get so little in return. That bar banter and way of doing things is getting boring and annoying.

    I bet if I met that same hunky guy in a different place, ( a club, game or whatever), the result could have been different and positive, and the whole attitude and vibe would be different. More relaxed and fun. I think its time to shift my focus away from nocturnal bar scenes and see the light of day!

    Just found out about a local chess club and also signed up with a weekly art tour thing and also got the info about a wrestling club for beginners.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Sep 03, 2009 3:46 PM GMT
    The_Austonian said Mostly, I am successful in bedding my conquest, but there have been instances where I've been rejected.


    ... I find that emboldened portion to be striking. that energy that you give off may just be part of the problem for you.

    no, I do not share the same issue of not being pursued ... I do find that most of those people who pursue me are not after getting to know me, though.
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    Sep 03, 2009 3:49 PM GMT
    KissingPro said
    Northernguy007 saidI'm going to go out on a limb here and put in my 2 cents.

    From experience, most of these people who you seem to chase and chase and chase are just plain nervous OR they have low self esteem and can't understand why you would be interested in them. I guess some can be just plain not interested.

    I grew up with 6 beautiful sisters. I can rememeber they would rarely if ever get asked out because I think most guys assumed they were taken OR they are not confident enough to make initial contact.

    When you go to a bar and sit next to someone you like, it's only human nature that sometimes you have to start the conversation. That person sitting there could be intimidated by your energy or good looks.

    IF everytime you have to make the first move, try meeting a guy in another atmosphere different from a bar or wherever you are having difficulty. Maybe join a sports team...a club or maybe try an art gallery. Who knows.


    BINGO. Practically all my life I wasn't a bar person, but 3 years after ending a 15 year relationship I decided I needed to get my feet wet and see how it works in bars.


    And while I have basically had a good time there and made some good friends ( and occasionally a great hookup), it seems like way too much work to get so little in return. That bar banter and way of doing things is getting boring and annoying.

    I bet if I met that same hunky guy in a different place, ( a club, game or whatever), the result could have been different and positive, and the whole attitude and vibe would be different. More relaxed and fun. I think its time to shift my focus away from nocturnal bar scenes and see the light of day!

    Just found out about a local chess club and also signed up with a weekly art tour thing and also got the info about a wrestling club for beginners.



    I have to agree with all of you ! I think many could benefit by getting
    out of the bars sometime and meeting people in the daylight. The quality
    of the interaction and guys you'll meet are very different. Much nicer to IMO. No drunken bar drama at a game or club. Plus your expanding your idea of " fun ! " Being gay and meeting guys isn't ONLY about the bars/clubs.
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    Sep 03, 2009 3:58 PM GMT
    tereseus1 said"Why Do I Always Have to Pursue Him? Why Can't It Ever Be The Other Way Around?"
    i ask myself the same question everyday...and what makes it more painful is when your friends keep asking you while stating all the positive things about you...."why are you single"?






    Same here.

    Its funny when a guy hits me up online, week after week, with "sup", "how are you" etc ...it will go on forever, but they will never make the first move. I am the one that has to ask them out. Is the generally gay population that passive? It is not like i am hitting on them initially.