Just when you thought you knew him

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2009 12:40 AM GMT
    So, you were obviously clicking this link and expecting to hear that same drama-bomb story that you've heard/watched/laughed about in just about everything from TV to small-talk in the gym. Well, this is somewhat similar but just a few small twists.

    Well, I'd been occasionally chatting and talking with a nice guy, or so it seemed, for the last year. Earlier this year in Jan/Feb, I finally went and met him and he seemed just as great as I thought. It was a fantastic month, y'know? One of those months that really make a big impact on ya. Well, unfortunately for me, the military had plans to deploy me. So off I went... afghanistan and all.

    Every single day in Afghanistan, I was able to text/talk/email with him and all was well. It's like we didn't miss a beat. I thought everything was going great, and we really were starting to take off. I ended up making plans etc. for when I get back and to continue on the good life.

    That's when things got real.... low and behold, I wasn't as special as it was made out to be. Low and behold, I was actually being used as a device/test to see if he could be loyal and honest and normal. Low and friggin behold, he failed that test and "met a few guys here and there".

    Big deal right? Happens all the time right? ... well... here's and excerpt from an email he sent me yesterday:
    ........I am confident if something was meant to be, that it will be no matter the odds. It was not fair for me to wait for you. Now that you know I have met a couple guys, you are upset, I understand why but you also agreed that I shouldn’t wait for you because it wasn’t fair to me. I missed you so bad while you were gone, and wanted you back home, so I could see if I could make things work with you. .......

    Interesting concept he's got.... I gather 2 things: 1) It's okay for me to be the dirty stereotypical gay male and fuck my brains out with whomever. and then 2) if it's meant to be, then he will make a 100% change and be loyal and honest and loving.

    Something weird there? Shit sounds stupid to me. hah! Is this all I've got to look forward to? I mean... I was stationed here in california for 6 years and pretty much led the normal life and was on the look out for a true relationship. Didn't find squat. This was almost what I wanted, but turned out to be the same old story.

    Am I upset? Eh, not really-- it's more of a disappointment in what's become acceptable behavior these days. Why did I even bother posting this? Because now that I'm back stateside, I'd like to express discontent in ways other than just calling names and/or clamming up and closing myself off. What's the REAL reason I posted this? I thought it would be some good reading material for the lurkers on this website, and for those who don't lurk... I thought maybe they would just like to see that maybe they aren't alone in the whole "OMG I got Cheated on!!" state. icon_smile.gif

    All in all, I'm glad it happened. Accepting things and moving on is a forte of mine. Hope ya'll enjoyed the read.

    And as for a bit of closure-- I haven't really talked to him yet, because when I call on the phone he magically doesn't answer (which has been twice over 2 days). I think the lil guy is scared to hear the truth that I'm going to tell him. Probably in the nicest way I can, and in a few words as possible. Dwelling on that would just piss me off and I think hate/anger is a wasted emotion. I had enough of those 2 emotions in Afghanistan and I'd rather focus on love, happiness, and gettin a good pump at the gym.

    icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2009 12:47 AM GMT
    oh, I forgot....


    Thanks for lettin me vent here. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2009 1:25 AM GMT
    he sounds like a delightfully selfish prick, the shiny side is you found out before things got really serious
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2009 1:56 AM GMT
    Sorry you were manipulated by this tool.

    It's not easy to let it go, but that's probably the smartest thing to do. Yelling at him isn't going to change anything. To him, as long as he gets what he wants there is no error in his ways. It'll come back around on him sooner or later.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Sep 01, 2009 4:07 AM GMT
    Be glad you found out how he is now instead of later. He was a prick anyway. You can do better.
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    Sep 01, 2009 4:11 AM GMT
    Thanks for the positive words ya'll. And yeah, I believe that I can do better... but y'know it's really tough to make sure that all these sheep really aren't just wolves in sheeps clothing. *grin*
  • _gingin

    Posts: 116

    Sep 01, 2009 4:49 AM GMT
    ive been through it too. communicated for half a year, spent about 2 months on separate occasions flying to visit each other but other than that, i was stuck in singapore, and he in taiwan.

    after a couple of months, he just couldnt do it anymore. my only saving grace was that he wasnt seeing anyone else--he just couldn't handle how it was affecting his life and work and i understand how he feels. we're very good friends now and maybe, some time in the future, things may take a different spin for us icon_cool.gif

    i think the expectations you had were not proportionate to the time you've physically spent together--internet communication cannot be considered 'time spent together'. i do not think that it is fair for you to judge him based on what you expected him to be. i say little because a month together (if ive gathered correctly) is hardly any time at all.

    long distance relations have a certain way weeding (for lack of a nicer word) out the relations that are not stable and i think it was a good to find out sooner than later.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Sep 01, 2009 8:44 AM GMT

    I dunno ... I am going to either be alone or a minority, but I wouldn't be so hard on him. I would try and tell him how I felt about both not being able to see him while deployed and how it hurt to return home and have where we seemed to be heading fissured.

    I would try and see it from his position as best as I could and decide for myself if it's worth it to continue. I mean, no one's perfect and to behave as though we don't make mistakes is not my modus operandi.

    I'm not saying it was fair to you what he did, nor am I saying that he was completely wrong for doing what he did. I just think that he should have communicated with you what was going on as it was happening, rather than wait for you to have come home. that way, you would not come home to a soiled and sordid state of unbeknown affairs.

    the important part is that you are not crumbling and, instead, are moving on.

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 01, 2009 10:38 AM GMT
    Sounds like you really never got to know this guy
    and when you went off to Afghanistan YOU let yourself believe what you wanted about him
    and it allowed HIM to play the part of the loyal BF ... for a while

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    Sep 01, 2009 11:31 AM GMT
    I agree with GQjock. You were physically together for one, maybe two months from the sounds of your note. You were in electronic contact every day, but nowhere in your note is there actual mention of any discussion about what kind of state your "relationship" was in. Did you think it was an implied monogamous one, or did you both agree to become monogamous? Just because you had a life-changing month, doesn't mean that either of you can assume you're past the "dating" stage. Apparently, you also agreed that it wasn't fair for him to wait for you. So why are you so upset that he didn't?

    Monogamy is something that should be explicitly negotiated, not implied. It sounds like you had a great dating relationship and that if you are still hitting it off outside this conflict, that it's possibly worth seeing where it will go. And perhaps it won't go anywhere too; but that's the way it goes.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Sep 01, 2009 12:23 PM GMT
    "Am I upset? Eh, not really-- it's more of a disappointment in what's become acceptable behavior these days. "


    A perfect response that reflects of your sincerity and maturity.

    Too many males fail to be men these days...




    I haven't been burned in a relationship before, but the qualifications for being a man is also beyond personal relationships. I've been reflecting on that lately.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Sep 01, 2009 12:26 PM GMT
    Just an observation on some posts - men don't make excuses, especially for themselves.
  • nadaquever_rm

    Posts: 139

    Sep 01, 2009 12:50 PM GMT
    So you were pen-pals, met a couple of times, told him he shouldn't wait for you, and now you're upset that he sit at home waiting for you?

    I know it's difficult to write every detail in a little message, but if even some of that is true, you really ought to pick up where things left off before you were deployed.

    You liked him; he liked you. You weren't married, but maybe you will be one day. I don't see any reason not to try based on what you wrote.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2009 1:37 PM GMT

    Hey kaicho, What happened is pretty crappy.

    But there is this (we bold-ed the sentence in question)

    "Big deal right? Happens all the time right? ... well... here's and excerpt from an email he sent me yesterday:
    ........I am confident if something was meant to be, that it will be no matter the odds. It was not fair for me to wait for you. Now that you know I have met a couple guys, you are upset, I understand why but you also agreed that I shouldn’t wait for you because it wasn’t fair to me. I missed you so bad while you were gone, and wanted you back home, so I could see if I could make things work with you. ......."

    ....so we're wondering if this was his imaginings or if you did tell him not to wait for you.

    If so, then he simply followed through on your advice not to wait.

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    Sep 01, 2009 2:53 PM GMT
    Ah, I suppose I forgot a pretty minor detail.... but in the end it turned out to be a big one:

    He apparently drank often, and would text/email (dangerous thing!). Well, he confused me for someone else that he was "seeing" and that's where that came from.

    Last night, he decided to have a text-message conversation. I'd say it was about an hour long and the fool wouldn't answer me when I tried to call instead of texting a conversation like little girls do. Ugh...


    Either way, glad that's overwith.

    As for the other responses here:

    -Yes, we talked about relationship things and even long-term plans etc.

    -No, I didn't tell him that he could go around seeing other people and in fact I remember the night I left and we were out on the street in front of my truck I said "Don't make yourself available now, ya hear? You know I want to come back and just be with you so I'll do the same." ... maybe I could have been more clear?

    -Yes, I can see if from some guys' views that maybe we didn't really have much physical interaction since it was only 2 months.... but I guess that's part of each person's ability to have a relationship; some NEED/THRIVE on physical interaction.... others can be less physical and more emotionally/mentally connected. Neither one is right nor wrong, but each person lives by a different rule-set so the other can't really apply to everyone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2009 2:55 PM GMT
    I am sorry to hear that this happened to you. It's always disappointing when you had hopes for a relationship to grow and it doesnt.
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    Sep 01, 2009 3:07 PM GMT

    Thanks kaicho, we suspected he may have had his signals (or email) crossed, lol. but didn't want to assume without asking you .

    This, "I remember the night I left and we were out on the street in front of my truck I said "Don't make yourself available now, ya hear? You know I want to come back and just be with you so I'll do the same." ... maybe I could have been more clear?"

    ...nicely clears things up. We think you should let this fellow go. Though there may be excuses presented for him fooling around, that fact is that you could have been doing the same, but didn't.

    It's never pleasant to be someone else's learning experience in something like this is it? But, lol, we'll bet this is not the learning experience he had in mind.

    There are many guys like you looking for a guy like you!




  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2009 9:30 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    There are many guys like you looking for a guy like you!






    very sweet words. thanks kindly icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 01, 2009 9:39 PM GMT
    You'll be single for, like, eight seconds. There's a market out there for guys like you, and best of luck putting this douchebag behind you.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 01, 2009 9:43 PM GMT
    I understand your feelings, but although I don't know this person he doesn't sound like such a horrible person. If someone I was very interested in told me I shouldn't wait for him(your test) then I would be a little crestfallen because I would want to wait for him. Maybe he didn't feel the same way I did so he suggests I'm a free agent.

    I just don't think "testing" someone is good, just be honest about your feelings and hope the feelings are mutual. It sounds like he was honest and upfront with what happened while you were apart. To me that is MAJOR BONUS POINTS. Compared to a few guys I've dated he sounds like a good catch.
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    Sep 05, 2009 1:53 PM GMT
    Yeah the infamous dear john letters.

    So many people get screwed over when they deploy and everyone would like to think that their relationship is secure enough but you never really know.

    I've already been told by my cadre that I'll be deploying within the next year after I reclassify my MOS.

    I have complete trust in my boyfriend, but honestly have already decided in my head that if he cheats I really don't give a fuck.

    I will say that if you wanted him to yourself, you should've been upfront and honest rather than try to be nobal and say that its not fair to him to have wait while you're gone. That battle buddy was an open invitation for him to do whatever he wanted to without guilt.

    Lets just be real, it sucks that he could've done what he did while you were deployed. At the same time, very few human beings are naturally monogamous and I think it is a big flaw in our society to raise men and women with these awful misconceptions.


    Either way you deserve better. I hope you find it someday.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 05, 2009 2:32 PM GMT
    Hey, really sorry to hear what happened.

    I could absolutely sense the level of disappointment in your read and you have a right to expect more. If this was the guy you thought you might built a future, he should have waited. I would. There is nothing greater than
    an absolute level of trust with someone you hope to spend your life.

    I'm sorry it happened. His failure to recognize your potential and the potenial of the relationship is his loss. Please don't become jaded,
    there are other good guys out there. Just know they all aren't just like this man.
  • trevchaser

    Posts: 237

    Sep 07, 2009 6:01 PM GMT
    Ira,

    You have an awesome attitude about things and your example to respect a guy enough, not to be angry at him for his actions, is very mature. At least focusing on the good stuff will attract the good stuff, even though filtering is still necessary...haha. As the suspense builds up in your story...the search continues. icon_biggrin.gif

    e-hugs for Ira!

    Oh heck...hugs for all! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 07, 2009 6:08 PM GMT
    sad part about it all too is this happens way too often to way too good of a guy. they say its just what it is and u chalk it to experience.. but when was it ever a bad thing to be hopeful for a good thing to become a great thing?

    im stomped too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 07, 2009 6:32 PM GMT
    It's a bit unrealistic to expect a guy to wait for 6 months and do nothing. Some guys just need the intimacy of casual sex, and treat it as a strictly physical need, with no emotions involved.

    Obviously, you two have different views on the subject, but he's not necessarily a bad guy, prick, etc. There are so many stories of soldiers going off to foreign lands and sleeping with local women. This time it just happened in reverse.