I don't want to say I am angry because ultimately I am responsible for becoming infected. You go over and over in your head about, "I should have, I could have...[used a condom]." I can't believe I would always tell my promiscuous friends to "WRAP IT UP" whenever they had risky encounters, but then I became infected. Hell, I even volunteered for a clinic once and talked to people about protecting themselves. How did this happen!?
I believe in always having safe sex, but just as anyone, you have slip ups. Unfortunately, it only takes one. I guess I learned the hard way..
Anyhow, reading the posts in these forums don't relieve my fears whatsoever. The medicine side effects, complications, and the "wasting away" that I keep hearing about. I don't know what to do. I mean, I know I should schedule an appointment to see my doctor, but what if I'm very sick?
I am glad to know my status, but I am not glad to get a positive result. What if it's an error? Should I get tested again?! I'm an emotional wreck.
I have only told my best friend. I can't imagine telling my parents, friends, or anyone else for that matter.
How was everyones experience when you first found out?
I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. It certainly is not easy. I was in the same place emotionally as you when diagnosed three years ago.
I thought my life was over and that I would get sick immediately. But the meds are great and after a difficult first year, things are much, much better.
The only advice I can really offer is to go to the doctor, ask a lot of questions, research your ass off Online, talk to your friends, see a shrink if you need to ... and most importantly - don't focus on blame and hypothetical "what could happen" situations - they are a complete waste of time and energy.
Stay in the now and focus on getting through one day at a time. And be good to yourself.
Momentum_Play saidI'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. It certainly is not easy. I was in the same place emotionally as you when diagnosed three years ago.
I thought my life was over and that I would get sick immediately. But the meds are great and after a difficult first year, things are much, much better.
The only advice I can really offer is to go to the doctor, ask a lot of questions, research your ass off Online, talk to your friends, see a shrink if you need to ... and most importantly - don't focus on blame and hypothetical "what could happen" situations - they are a complete waste of time and energy.
Stay in the now and focus on getting through one day at a time. And be good to yourself.
Hang in there, man.
A "hard first year"? Getting your body adjusted to the medications or your emotional state?
Sorry to hear that, but dont be too hard on yourself. You are only human and being human means we sometimes slip up. Get tested again, see a good HIV doctor and get into a hiv support group for people who have just found out their status. That would be very helpful.
Your life is not over, you can have a health and long life, you can have love, you can have sex, you CAN HAVE A LIFE!!!!!!!
I wish you all the best my friend. There have been error cases where someone got a negative when positive and vice versa. Definitly get tested again and speak to the doctor.
I don't want to say I am angry because ultimately I am responsible for becoming infected. You go over and over in your head about, "I should have, I could have...[used a condom]." I can't believe I would always tell my promiscuous friends to "WRAP IT UP" whenever they had risky encounters, but then I became infected. Hell, I even volunteered for a clinic once and talked to people about protecting themselves. How did this happen!?
I believe in always having safe sex, but just as anyone, you have slip ups. Unfortunately, it only takes one. I guess I learned the hard way..
Anyhow, reading the posts in these forums don't relieve my fears whatsoever. The medicine side effects, complications, and the "wasting away" that I keep hearing about. I don't know what to do. I mean, I know I should schedule an appointment to see my doctor, but what if I'm very sick?
I am glad to know my status, but I am not glad to get a positive result. What if it's an error? Should I get tested again?! I'm an emotional wreck.
I have only told my best friend. I can't imagine telling my parents, friends, or anyone else for that matter.
How was everyones experience when you first found out?
So sorry to hear this but it's not the end of the world for you. It will take some time to get used to the idea, and certain adjustments in your life will have to be made, but you can get through it.
If you test positive they follow it up with a Western Blot test I believe which is more accurate and almost never reports false-positives.
First you need to find a doctor who specializes in Infectious Diseases. You might be able to find a doctor that does research studies, which is great because they will pay for your treatment and medication(should you need it now) for the duration of the study.
When you first go in they will ask you a ton of questions, and do a basic medical background. They will also test both your CD4, and viral load and determine if you are in a position to start treatment or wait it out. You will probably also start being immunized for pneumonia, flu, hep A and B. Those are no big deal, just going to have a sore arm for a couple days.
When I first found out I felt like I had to tell everyone...parents, friends, etc. What I came to learn is that telling everyone is something you can't take back. I wish I would have waited till I was in a better place emotionally to start opening up about it because all I could really say was how scared I was and that made everyone scared for me which didnt really help things. Obviously you will need to talk to some people who you are close to, but just do it with discretion until you are comfortable.
It would help you a lot to talk to other guys who are positive, your local resource center should have contact information for local support groups. Maybe check it out a few times and ask some questions. Since you live in West Hollywood you can probably find a group that has an age limit...you would probably be more comfortable and have more in common with guys under 30-35.
I'm not sure how it is in California, but in Texas, all positive tests are reported to the county along with your contact information. You might get a call from a city worker telling you to come in for a consult. Basically they will take an incredibly detailed sexual history of everyone you have slept with and try and contact those people anonymously. It's a big hastle but it sounds scarier than it is. Here in Dallas county, if you ignore their calls they come looking for you where you live(the doctor who finds out you are positive reports all your contact info).
I know how scared you are but t really is not as bad as it seems. The new drugs that are available now are much better than they used to be and have relatively few side effects. Atripla, which is very commonly prescribed is taken once at night before you go to bed and most of they guys I know on it report few side effects other than dizziness for a few hours about an hour later(but you take it before going to sleep so its not bad).
When I found out my life actually improved considerably. Not because of the disease obviously but because of all the changes I made in my life as a result. I stopped drinking as much, developed stronger friendships, began focusing much more on fitness, and really am a much happier person now than before. It can really open your eyes as to what is important for you and for the life you lead and it is your choice to adopt a new way of viewing the world.
If so, that's one of my biggest fears. They say you can't think straight when you're drunk.... I don't know if that's just an excuse or not. I've never been 'drunk.'
cthedj saidI wish you all the best my friend. There have been error cases where someone got a negative when positive and vice versa. Definitly get tested again and speak to the doctor.
I agree get retested. But be prepared for another positive result and move ahead on a plan for recovery. I am no expert but you will live a long and fulfilling life even with the virus. I know guys that have been doctor approved for almost a decade UNTREATED, I know guys that take a slew of drugs and I know many more on a pill a day and are undetectable.
I wish you the best of luck and if you want to chat Im here. I have no experience but to listen.
Although I am not poz, I had someone very close to me who became poz.
Be thankful this is not the early 1980s! I'm sorry to hear of your new condition but it is very likely you will live a full and productive life. You're going to go through a lot and processing everything will simply take time. Yes, get tested again. Don't go on to message boards and comb the internet for info. This will drive you crazy and just fill your head with incorrect or outdated information. This is in contraction to another poster but I believe each person's condition and mindset is different. It is best to get your information from a knowledgeable source who is informed about your particular situation. Your doctor is your best source of information.
Seek out and participate in the many support groups here in Los Angeles. There are all kinds!
It was almost two years before my friend decided to go on meds. He was really, really worried about the side effects but there were few at the time and now there are none.
Take this as an opportunity to focus on your health and what you really want out of life.
Wow guys! Thank you all for providing the great feedback here in the forum regarding your situations.
I do wish to get tested again, just to be sure. Not sure what I would do if it came back negative, but I'm not getting my hopes up.
One emotion that I'm beginning to experience is bit of anger. Who infected me? Did they know? Why would they not tell me before our encounter? Etc. I haven't had unprotected sex with more than 4 people, which narrows it down. I just don't know how to ask... I don't want anyone knowing other than my best friend.
I keep going back and forth about telling my parents. I just don't know... Someone said, "You will want your parents to know because when you become ill they will be there to support you." They said it as if I am for sure going to be sick.
CeeJay1 said Wow guys! Thank you all for providing the great feedback here in the forum regarding your situations.
I do wish to get tested again, just to be sure. Not sure what I would do if it came back negative, but I'm not getting my hopes up.
One emotion that I'm beginning to experience is bit of anger. Who infected me? Did they know? Why would they not tell me before our encounter? Etc. I haven't had unprotected sex with more than 4 people, which narrows it down. I just don't know how to ask... I don't want anyone knowing other than my best friend.
I keep going back and forth about telling my parents. I just don't know... Someone said, "You will want your parents to know because when you become ill they will be there to support you." They said it as if I am for sure going to be sick.
Another month or so is not going to make a difference on whether you tell the rents or not. Get stable, Get information then Get the info out to whomever. Remember you are not going to die anytime soon and more than likely not before your natural life considering the meds out there. I have barebacked many times and thought about the consequences over and over. I am a top and I still dont know who'd Id tell and when. But all I can say is be upbeat on your outlook.
Do what others have said and get tested again, just to confirm. And know that it's not a death sentence -- or even a "promise" that you'll be sick -- it's a challenge that you'll meet and overcome. A good doctor that specializes in infectious diseases, gay medicine, etc. can be incredibly helpful.
Before you tell your parents, get all of the information you can from the experts. If you were to tell them now, their being upset would be compounded by their need to know answers to questions you might not know just yet -- so get yourself a good doctor; speak to the medical practice counselors, or call an AIDS hotline. So many guys have gone through what you are experiencing. I've had a few friends find out they were positive and think it's the end of the world -- today (15 years later), they're living happy, fulfilling lives because they got help and they got lots of good expert advice.
You're going to be fine. Don't dwell on the fear or your anger about how it happened -- focus on getting started to defeat it.
Chill out on the blame game. Stop right now going over and over in your mind things like: "Who did what to me? Why? When?" etc. There will be plenty of time for all that later. Get tested again ASAP. Go see your doctor. You need information from him or her about where you stand with your status. Again, focus more on what you can do for yourself. You'll feel much, much better after having knowledge about where you stand. You will have ups and downs, good days and bad. This is why you need information about your status so you can focus on a path to health. Talk to others but hold off for a bit on talking to everyone. You need to get focused on yourself first. You're actually going the one they turn to for support! Knowledge is power.
I think that "slip-ups," are gay speak for I took the condom off or I took a gamble he was negative. It's ok, life is all about risks. You take a risk whenever you cross the street, drive to work, or take medication. You do well because you minimize the risks in life by exercising prudence and caution. However, everyone risks it sometime by speeding, crossing the street swaying to the rythm of their I-pod (not really looking), taking other people's medication (man, I'm still itchy after several weeks), and yes, having unprotected sex.
hi mate - it is good to see such support from a lot of guys in response to your post.
Being HIV+ is no longer a death sentence and you will learn to manage and live with your status.
Australia, right from the first appearance of the virus, has been a world leader - a great website that will assist you in your journey over the next few years is http://napwa.org.au/
There has never been any moralising in this country about the virus - just action.
There is a link on the Home Page (top left) entitled Recently Diagnosed - read this and be reassured.
Sorry to hear. My advice from my own experience is to give yourself a little time to feel what you're feeling. Be pissed, scared or whatever then put on your game face and realize that this does not define you and will not control your life unless you let it. Things are going to be different, but you have the choice to make your life just as or more joyous and fulfilling as it might have been without the diagnosis.
First of all, I want to say I sorry about your diagnosis and hope you will get a second opinion to be sure.
Then, I want to remind you that it is not a death sentence. You just have to make some adjustments, but life does go on and you can still have success, love and happiness in your life.
I have knowingly taken chances, if you know what I mean, and have dodged that bullet so far. I know, it may not be good for most people, but I decided that I wasn't going to alter my sex life due to this virus. I'm finicky about who I play with, and I recycle a lot, but there are some quality guys with the virus that I didn't pass on. Now, maybe because I'm versatile and have always insisted on condoms when anal was involved one way or the other, I've helped my odds some. My point is...I have accept the fact that if I ever get it, it will be my own fault. There will be and should be no blame, no kicking my own ass, none of that. Just look it in the face and carry on with the race!
I hope you will accept the same philosophy. There are so many more important, wonderful and beautiful things to spend your time and energies on!
I don't want to say I am angry because ultimately I am responsible for becoming infected. You go over and over in your head about, "I should have, I could have...[used a condom]." I can't believe I would always tell my promiscuous friends to "WRAP IT UP" whenever they had risky encounters, but then I became infected. Hell, I even volunteered for a clinic once and talked to people about protecting themselves. How did this happen!?
I believe in always having safe sex, but just as anyone, you have slip ups. Unfortunately, it only takes one. I guess I learned the hard way..
Anyhow, reading the posts in these forums don't relieve my fears whatsoever. The medicine side effects, complications, and the "wasting away" that I keep hearing about. I don't know what to do. I mean, I know I should schedule an appointment to see my doctor, but what if I'm very sick?
I am glad to know my status, but I am not glad to get a positive result. What if it's an error? Should I get tested again?! I'm an emotional wreck.
I have only told my best friend. I can't imagine telling my parents, friends, or anyone else for that matter.
How was everyones experience when you first found out?
So sorry to hear this but it's not the end of the world for you. It will take some time to get used to the idea, and certain adjustments in your life will have to be made, but you can get through it.
If you test positive they follow it up with a Western Blot test I believe which is more accurate and almost never reports false-positives.
First you need to find a doctor who specializes in Infectious Diseases. You might be able to find a doctor that does research studies, which is great because they will pay for your treatment and medication(should you need it now) for the duration of the study.
When you first go in they will ask you a ton of questions, and do a basic medical background. They will also test both your CD4, and viral load and determine if you are in a position to start treatment or wait it out. You will probably also start being immunized for pneumonia, flu, hep A and B. Those are no big deal, just going to have a sore arm for a couple days.
When I first found out I felt like I had to tell everyone...parents, friends, etc. What I came to learn is that telling everyone is something you can't take back. I wish I would have waited till I was in a better place emotionally to start opening up about it because all I could really say was how scared I was and that made everyone scared for me which didnt really help things. Obviously you will need to talk to some people who you are close to, but just do it with discretion until you are comfortable.
It would help you a lot to talk to other guys who are positive, your local resource center should have contact information for local support groups. Maybe check it out a few times and ask some questions. Since you live in West Hollywood you can probably find a group that has an age limit...you would probably be more comfortable and have more in common with guys under 30-35.
I'm not sure how it is in California, but in Texas, all positive tests are reported to the county along with your contact information. You might get a call from a city worker telling you to come in for a consult. Basically they will take an incredibly detailed sexual history of everyone you have slept with and try and contact those people anonymously. It's a big hastle but it sounds scarier than it is. Here in Dallas county, if you ignore their calls they come looking for you where you live(the doctor who finds out you are positive reports all your contact info).
I know how scared you are but t really is not as bad as it seems. The new drugs that are available now are much better than they used to be and have relatively few side effects. Atripla, which is very commonly prescribed is taken once at night before you go to bed and most of they guys I know on it report few side effects other than dizziness for a few hours about an hour later(but you take it before going to sleep so its not bad).
When I found out my life actually improved considerably. Not because of the disease obviously but because of all the changes I made in my life as a result. I stopped drinking as much, developed stronger friendships, began focusing much more on fitness, and really am a much happier person now than before. It can really open your eyes as to what is important for you and for the life you lead and it is your choice to adopt a new way of viewing the world.
Hope some of this helps.
Just a question, why haven't you put your HIV status in your profile and that you practice safe sex, if things have gotten so much better for you?
If so, that's one of my biggest fears. They say you can't think straight when you're drunk.... I don't know if that's just an excuse or not. I've never been 'drunk.'
It's 100% true...your judgement is the first thing to go when you drink and your inhibitions aren't far behind. That's why people do risky things such as drive drunk, and have unprotected sex with strangers.
To the OP, I know it's a shock to come back with news like that, and I hope you get your footing under you soon.
i'm 27 (28 soon) years old. I found out I was poz @ 23. It was very hard. I turned to drinking and other destructive behavior. I found meditation, zen buddhism, and a good support group of my closest friends to help me adjust to my new condition.
It's not the end of the world. You can still have a fulfilling life. And yes, it gets difficult when it comes to sex and dating. But if you start your treatment, keep it, eat right, exercise -the side effects will be minimal. Also having a support group of people and join a support group will greatly improve your outlook on life and you'll gain new friends that share your fears, experiences, etc.
I can't imagine telling my parents, friends, or anyone else for that matter.
12 + years later my parents still don't know.
A few friends, and thousands of anonymous strangers who click on my profile, but not my parents. weird huh? Poz.com has some helpful stuff for newly diagnosed too. And TheBody.com
This may be of little consolation to you, but to me it is important.
None of us who have had sex at all, either gay or straight, is immune from an occasional lapse. Therefore, for the last 20 years I have poured an enormous amount of what cash I have that is free into HIV research including treatment and vacines. And yes, many of you on RJ who know my position on taxes and waste in government should know that I would prefer to pay every penny to HIV research than give one damn red cent to our _ucked up government. So pardon me if I rail when you want universal healthcare that pulls away "free cash."
The naive may believe that retroviruses may never get "out of the box" and become virii with the ability to propagate through the populous with ease. I don't share that naivete.
And yes folks, I do plan on making a killing off it. Get used to it. In the process a monster will be defeated.
First, thank you for sharing your story with others here, to strengthen the resolve of guys to not give in to temptation regarding no condom use.
Second, if this was a mouth swab test, there is a degree of false positives with them. Not a lot, but it does happen. They should have advised you to do a follow-up blood test, which has a higher accuracy rate.
Third, begin now to seek out HIV medical care. Do not delay, and you want a doctor who has credentials with HIV, not your family or college GP. Even if the doctor decides not to begin immediate medication, it can be helpful to establish beginning baselines for viral load and T-cell count. And that's assuming you only just contracted it recently, if there's a chance you actually got it some time earlier.
Keep us informed, especially if you have any problems making prompt medical contacts in your area.
barriehomeboy saidIt takes about 10 years to go from HIV+ to developing fullbllown AIDS. You have some time to consider your options. Relax.
So developing full blown AIDS is a certainty? It actually happens to everyone that is HIV+?
No. It isn't. The medications, which are widely available and fairly easy to get here in the US, have changed that equation dramatically in terms of the progression to full-blown AIDS.
Added to this, medical science continues to make progress against the disease over time. This is another factor in our favor.
Finally, everyone is different. Some people are long-term survivors and have never gone on medication, others are not as lucky. Every case is different and you can't draw conclusions about YOUR situation based only on the overall statistics.
twomack said And yes, many of you on RJ who know my position on taxes and waste in government should know that I would prefer to pay every penny to HIV research than give one damn red cent to our _ucked up government. So pardon me if I rail when you want universal healthcare that pulls away "free cash."
Can I ask how a universal health care system will pull away "free cash"?
Just to clarify, by "free cash" do you mean donations?
I don't want to say I am angry because ultimately I am responsible for becoming infected. You go over and over in your head about, "I should have, I could have...[used a condom]." I can't believe I would always tell my promiscuous friends to "WRAP IT UP" whenever they had risky encounters, but then I became infected. Hell, I even volunteered for a clinic once and talked to people about protecting themselves. How did this happen!?
I believe in always having safe sex, but just as anyone, you have slip ups. Unfortunately, it only takes one. I guess I learned the hard way..
Anyhow, reading the posts in these forums don't relieve my fears whatsoever. The medicine side effects, complications, and the "wasting away" that I keep hearing about. I don't know what to do. I mean, I know I should schedule an appointment to see my doctor, but what if I'm very sick?
I am glad to know my status, but I am not glad to get a positive result. What if it's an error? Should I get tested again?! I'm an emotional wreck.
I have only told my best friend. I can't imagine telling my parents, friends, or anyone else for that matter.
How was everyones experience when you first found out?
So sorry to hear this but it's not the end of the world for you. It will take some time to get used to the idea, and certain adjustments in your life will have to be made, but you can get through it.
If you test positive they follow it up with a Western Blot test I believe which is more accurate and almost never reports false-positives.
First you need to find a doctor who specializes in Infectious Diseases. You might be able to find a doctor that does research studies, which is great because they will pay for your treatment and medication(should you need it now) for the duration of the study.
When you first go in they will ask you a ton of questions, and do a basic medical background. They will also test both your CD4, and viral load and determine if you are in a position to start treatment or wait it out. You will probably also start being immunized for pneumonia, flu, hep A and B. Those are no big deal, just going to have a sore arm for a couple days.
When I first found out I felt like I had to tell everyone...parents, friends, etc. What I came to learn is that telling everyone is something you can't take back. I wish I would have waited till I was in a better place emotionally to start opening up about it because all I could really say was how scared I was and that made everyone scared for me which didnt really help things. Obviously you will need to talk to some people who you are close to, but just do it with discretion until you are comfortable.
It would help you a lot to talk to other guys who are positive, your local resource center should have contact information for local support groups. Maybe check it out a few times and ask some questions. Since you live in West Hollywood you can probably find a group that has an age limit...you would probably be more comfortable and have more in common with guys under 30-35.
I'm not sure how it is in California, but in Texas, all positive tests are reported to the county along with your contact information. You might get a call from a city worker telling you to come in for a consult. Basically they will take an incredibly detailed sexual history of everyone you have slept with and try and contact those people anonymously. It's a big hastle but it sounds scarier than it is. Here in Dallas county, if you ignore their calls they come looking for you where you live(the doctor who finds out you are positive reports all your contact info).
I know how scared you are but t really is not as bad as it seems. The new drugs that are available now are much better than they used to be and have relatively few side effects. Atripla, which is very commonly prescribed is taken once at night before you go to bed and most of they guys I know on it report few side effects other than dizziness for a few hours about an hour later(but you take it before going to sleep so its not bad).
When I found out my life actually improved considerably. Not because of the disease obviously but because of all the changes I made in my life as a result. I stopped drinking as much, developed stronger friendships, began focusing much more on fitness, and really am a much happier person now than before. It can really open your eyes as to what is important for you and for the life you lead and it is your choice to adopt a new way of viewing the world.
Hope some of this helps.
Just a question, why haven't you put your HIV status in your profile and that you practice safe sex, if things have gotten so much better for you?
Because this is a fitness site and it's not really relevant here. I don't feel the need to post my status on my facebook page either.
It's sad to see this particular cycle of death continue but I guess that's the nature of human beings...
Getting retested is probably a good idea but getting your hopes up is not. I won't pretend to know what you're going through but you're just going to have to get used to it and live on. It's either live with it or die so your choice is pretty much made, right?
Don't take what I say too hard though, I'm often told that my opinions are devoid of due empathy or some other useless convention.
I'm still bummed every time I read a post like this...it's been 7 years for me...I'm probably the healthiest I have ever been [emotionally and physically]...reaching this state didn't happen overnight...it took time, therapy, support, and just some courage...
AIDSMEDS.COM is a REALLY good site for educational materials...read up...learn about your disease...what it will do over time...some of it is scary...some of it isn't...most of it is manageable [if you make smart choices]...when the time is right...reach out to the HIV/AIDS community in your area...it helps them [and you]...
...and for the last post...about should disclosing status be mandatory on this site...as far as I know, being positive is still my personal medical history and I'm not bound to disclose that unless I engage in behavior that puts someone else at risk...I choose to be open about it...because at this point in my life, I feel safe to do so...I didn't always feel that way...there is an amazing amount of judgement in the world...and when one of us feels "scared shitless"...having judgement cast isn't necessary...
Perhaps I've missed something or misunderstand how testing is done, but isn't there an automatic retest done to verify whether this is a false positive - a retest that is administered by the original testing agent?
swogdog saidPerhaps I've missed something or misunderstand how testing is done, but isn't there an automatic retest done to verify whether this is a false positive - a retest that is administered by the original testing agent?
There was in my case. They automatically re-tested me from the original samples, as well as doing new blood tests.
I sero-converted in 2001. I did not go on the meds, as I wanted to try the "Natural medicine" route for fear of horrendous side effects from the meds. It didn't work.
By 2005, I had full-blown AIDS, and by 2006 I was dying of kidney failure in the hospital ER. The night I came in to the ER, they told me I had about 4 hours left to live, if I had stayed on the streets. Had I gone to sleep that afternoon, I would have never woke up again. They got me stabilized, but in very clear terms explained to me that the upcoming Christmas would be my last unless I got on the meds, and improved my outlook. My viral load was over a million copies, and my T-cells were down to less than 10. Didn't help that I was homeless.
Well, that Christmas, I started the one-pill-a-day AIDS drug, Atripla. I was really scared of the potential side effects, and YES there have been some, but they are largely manageable, and today my T-cells are around 500, and my viral load is undetectable. I am what they call a "Lazarus case," since I basically came back from the dead.
My doctors, through AIDS Healthcare Foundation (a GREAT organization, by the way) have now given me about 25-30 years of life left, which will put me around 80 years old when I die. Maybe even older!
It also helps that I now have a wonderful life-partner (Hi, D!) who loves me and takes care of me, and THAT HELPS TO NO END! It's vitally important that you find someone who will be there for you, and will give you the emotional support you need at this time, and in the years to come.
Yes, there will be side effects of the drugs. They are not TOO bad, and they can be managed. I must say, I'd rather have the side effects and be alive, rather than no side effects because I was dead! Some of the side effects I have are VERY vivid and disturbing dreams (unless I smoke some pot, in which case I sleep just fine), wasting (which is also mitigated by the pot). Those are the main side effects, other than fatigue, which is normal at times.
Y'know what? No matter how much we plan to live carefully and properly, SHIT HAPPENS. As long as you're honest with yourself and your partners, you should be fine. Don't beat yourself up over it. I've done enough of that for ten of us! It won't help in the end.
And, most important of all: YOU'RE NOT ALONE!
See if AIDS Healthcare Foundation can help. They're at...
ambiguous420 saidi'm 27 (28 soon) years old. I found out I was poz @ 23. It was very hard. I turned to drinking and other destructive behavior. I found meditation, zen buddhism, and a good support group of my closest friends to help me adjust to my new condition.
I am very speechless and sad CeeJay. I am sorry that you are going through a rough time. I wish there is a travel time machine that can take you back. Maybe get tested again?
kRakaJak saidit's almost 2010 ceejay what the hell were u thinkin??? we have a black president and gays are able to marry and all this progress is brought to a halt thanks to a few horny idiots. i don't feel sorry for u. u have hiv now and i bet my life u will still continue to have unprotected sex. u and ur infected parterners RULE!! shees, there's no fighting stupidity anymore these days so why don't we all go out, neglect ourselves and get infected...and make ceejay our leader.
All this coming for a guy that does not state whether he has safe sex in profile....
Fail.
"Maybe it was sarcasm... no, I shouldn't doubt myself."
And he is half Black half white... so he's our first grey president.................. Whether the U.S. sees a 'Full' Black president will depend on his performance.
I have a handful of friends and relatives with HIV and AIDS. One of them is in the final stages of AIDS but this happened because he stopped taking his meds.
Two of my friends that have HIV got it through non anal sex. In other words, they got it from giving oral sex to someone who either didn't know their status or was seroconverting at the time, which by the way usually leads to high viral loads for the first 6 weeks after infection. Giving oral sex with bad gum conditions isn't a safe thing to do. Neither is brushing your teeth before and after oral sex http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Can_you_get_HIV_AIDS_through_oral_sex. Also getting facials isn't a safe thing to do. Virii do pass through the eye's mucous membrane, if you recall that covering your mouth and nose usually don't ensure that you can't catch the flu or a cold.
good luck with everything. i recommend that you go and see a therapist. as my friends who are poz have told me, you'll go through the 5 stages of realizing that you're hiv poz: denial. anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance.
kRakaJak saidit's almost 2010 ceejay what the hell were u thinkin??? we have a black president and gays are able to marry and all this progress is brought to a halt thanks to a few horny idiots. i don't feel sorry for u. u have hiv now and i bet my life u will still continue to have unprotected sex. u and ur infected parterners RULE!! shees, there's no fighting stupidity anymore these days so why don't we all go out, neglect ourselves and get infected...and make ceejay our leader.
All this coming for a guy that does not state whether he has safe sex in profile....
Fail.
"Maybe it was sarcasm... no, I shouldn't doubt myself."
And he is half Black half grey... so he's our first grey president.................. Whether the U.S. sees a 'Full' Black president will depend on his performance.
half grey president?? wtf? u just answered ALL my questions of why u have hiv. take my advice...buy a gun, shoot the guy who infected u then turn it on urself. stop infecting the rest of us who actually know enough not to be whoring around.
White* minor mistake. Just corrected the post. Thanks.
1. I am a total virgin. So.... I am not HIV positive.
2. I was playing around with the ideas of 'race' that this nation instills into individuals.
3. If I do buy a gun and shoot myself it will be because my depression gets out of control, not because of some dunderhead that speaks using acronyms. WTF? You're 24!
4. You CANNOT act morally superior when you bareback yourself. "Shame on you! You make me so mad. *hmph*"
I guess your reply to opening post was not ?sarcastic?
I see a a 'hipo' in this forum and it goes by the name of....
kRakaJak saidit's almost 2010 ceejay what the hell were u thinkin??? we have a black president and gays are able to marry and all this progress is brought to a halt thanks to a few horny idiots. i don't feel sorry for u. u have hiv now and i bet my life u will still continue to have unprotected sex. u and ur infected parterners RULE!! shees, there's no fighting stupidity anymore these days so why don't we all go out, neglect ourselves and get infected...and make ceejay our leader.
All this coming for a guy that does not state whether he has safe sex in profile....
Fail.
"Maybe it was sarcasm... no, I shouldn't doubt myself."
And he is half Black half grey... so he's our first grey president.................. Whether the U.S. sees a 'Full' Black president will depend on his performance.
half grey president?? wtf? u just answered ALL my questions of why u have hiv. take my advice...buy a gun, shoot the guy who infected u then turn it on urself. stop infecting the rest of us who actually know enough not to be whoring around.
White* minor mistake. Just corrected the post. Thanks.
1. I am a total virgin. So.... I am not HIV positive.
2. I was playing around with the ideas of 'race' that this nation instills into individuals.
3. If I do buy a gun and shoot myself it will be because my depression gets out of control, not because of some dunderhead that speaks using acronyms. WTF? You're 24!
4. You CANNOT act morally superior when you bareback yourself. "Shame on you! You make me so mad. *hmph*"
I guess your reply to opening post was not ?sarcastic?
I see a a 'hipo' in this forum and it goes by the name of....
just use the gun on urself bro. it's not a matter of going back and forth with someone on the net. it's what has to be done so u won't spread ur disease. simple.
....I do not have the slightest clue as to what you are referring to.
"** Hmmm. Maybe you're trying to confuse me! Yes that's it! That's got to be it."
Next time you come across a bear make sure to poke it.
ARGH!
Enrage the beast with an amount equal to the amount of morality that you do not posses.
Well, like I've said before guys, thanks for all the support and information. You don't know how much this is helping me out.
Don't know exactly how the topic became a discussion about Obama, guns, and 2x4's, but hey.. it's a forum, there will always be hecklers.
Anyhow, I went out with my group of friends tonight (all of whom have no clue about this recent news with the exception of my best friend) and I must say I had a great time. It really helped me get my mind off of things for awhile.
This is something that I am going to have to accept into my life, but I can't let it change who I am. Sure, there will be a few more bumps in the road and some adjustments, but I've always been the type to overcome obstacles.
It makes my heart weeps when every read about babies like yourself having to deal with the possibility of being positive and I'm sorry that your life as you know has changed. Every one is saying get retested....eh I'm on fence with that mainly because today's test are so advanced that the possibility of a false positive is not very likely. You are more apt to have a false negative depending on where one is within the window period.
I would think at this point your focus should be finding a HIV specialist and counseling. Given your age you're mostly likely stilol in school and could be on your parents health insurance. I urge you to seek out the resources of the Gay and Lesbian Center located om Santa Monica Blvd. btw Labrea and Highland Ave if they have no relocated and also APLA and I now they have moved.
You mentioned in one of your post you wonder if the person who might have infected if he knew perhaps, perhaps not. It's now your duty to inform all of your most recent partners and past partners of your status. Just so you know to engage in any future high risk behavior is a felonly in the state of California.
The burden that you carry now is a huge one for someone your age. But this thing is that one moment you chose not to protect yourself and place your life into someone else hands and now this is end result of that action.
You can now serve as an advocate your your peers once you get past the hurdle that is now and front of you and drill it into your peers ALWAYS be safe.
My heart and prayers are with you CeeJay. Good luck to you.
I'm sorry to hear that you have to deal with being HIV positive and all of the psychological, social, physical and financial implications that brings. Plenty of other people have given you some great advice in this thread so I will just boil my thoughts down to: be good to yourself. Try not to blame yourself or be harsh in your thoughts. I think many of us talk to ourselves in ways that we would never talk to a friend who was in our position.
Also, as part of being good to yourself, get the best medical care and counseling you can. Learn all you can about HIV and treatments, etc. Eat well. Get regular exercise. Stick to a regular sleep schedule as much as you can. And keep in touch with friends - whether or not you are comfortable telling them about your HIV status. (The only people you need to tell about it are your doctors, your dentist, any recent sex partners and any future ones. And I believe that in California there are online services that allow you to tell past partners anonymously of their possible exposure.)
I would think that the weeks and months ahead of you may be a very emotional and challenging time for you. Let yourself feel what you feel. Use online forums, a counselor, friends, family , support groups in whatever combination you feel might help.
But most of all, be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
kRakaJak saidit's almost 2010 ceejay what the hell were u thinkin??? we have a black president and gays are able to marry and all this progress is brought to a halt thanks to a few horny idiots. i don't feel sorry for u. u have hiv now and i bet my life u will still continue to have unprotected sex. u and ur infected parterners RULE!! shees, there's no fighting stupidity anymore these days so why don't we all go out, neglect ourselves and get infected...and make ceejay our leader.
Why don't we make YOU the leader of hateful, judgmental assholes! You'd better hope that your pride doesn't cause you to fall! Because, some day, you may find yourself in a bad situation due to your own fault or the fault of someone else. And with your attitude, if someone came up to you during your worst moment and kicked you while you're down, well that might just be karma!
CeeJay1 saidWell, like I've said before guys, thanks for all the support and information. You don't know how much this is helping me out.
Don't know exactly how the topic became a discussion about Obama, guns, and 2x4's, but hey.. it's a forum, there will always be hecklers.
Anyhow, I went out with my group of friends tonight (all of whom have no clue about this recent news with the exception of my best friend) and I must say I had a great time. It really helped me get my mind off of things for awhile.
This is something that I am going to have to accept into my life, but I can't let it change who I am. Sure, there will be a few more bumps in the road and some adjustments, but I've always been the type to overcome obstacles.
Just trying to stay optimistic...
This sounds good. I don't believe you've answered a question I asked, though: was your test with poz results a mouth swab? As I & Koaa2 said, if it was then have a more reliable version done.
Wow...Im disgusted with some of the responses on here. What the hell is the matter with you???? PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES, sometimes life moves at us so fast that we blink and realize we did something stupid. Who the fuck are you to judge this poor guy and what hes going through. Dude if anyone should be getting the gun and using it on themselves it should be you. Youre worthless to me.
Ceejay I just read your recent post up there. Listen I will say one of the guys did give the opinion that this is not the best place to look for advice. And obviously we just learned that some people were in need of proving this theory. In fact looks to me like 2 guys in this thread dont know how keep their mouths shut. You need positive re-enforcement or none. The one guy who gave the opinion about you seeking a support group and going back to the doctor gave some good advice. Please go do this. You will feel much better meeting up with guys that are in the same situation and have positive non self depleting advice.
i'd say you get another more accurate test done to verify the result. If still poz, don't hate yourself of what happened, humans made mistakes, no one is perfect. You shud get immediate medical advice from your hiv doctor and hiv specialist, and get psychological advice from best friends, support group, and other HIV consultant. Its important to stay in positive minds, check out all the options for yoru health insurance, get proper medical support financially, do not think back, history is history, look and move forward with positive minds. Dont' tell your parents yet unless they are in health care professionals, they will get worried, and their worries could drag down your mental state. Tell them later after you have accepted the fact, that could take months or even years...Read and learn more about HIV infection and medications. You made a mistake once , you don't want to make the mistake again. Even if you are HIV +, you could be re-infected with another strains if you have another unprotected session. Play safe...
I have barebacked many times and thought about the consequences over and over. I am a top and I still dont know who'd Id tell and when.
...and yet you still claim to always have safe sex.
Honesty is what will keep you (and/or) others negative. Let's just hope the person you have sex with won't lie.
I have probably barebacked a couple dozen times and have been tested twice since the last time I did. Although I did change my profile to reflect "Sometimes' instead of "always". If I get a third clean test Ill reevaluate. Thanks for pointing that out.
kRakaJak saidi apologize for the gun remark and deleted it. but u still have a choice bro of not letting another guy or girl feel what ur feeling now whether good or bad, accepting or not. good luck ceejay
I would never want to pass this on to anyone else. I would feel absolutely horrible and unable to live with myself. I know I have a responsibility and I plan to uphold it.
CeeJay1 saidWell, like I've said before guys, thanks for all the support and information. You don't know how much this is helping me out.
Don't know exactly how the topic became a discussion about Obama, guns, and 2x4's, but hey.. it's a forum, there will always be hecklers.
Anyhow, I went out with my group of friends tonight (all of whom have no clue about this recent news with the exception of my best friend) and I must say I had a great time. It really helped me get my mind off of things for awhile.
This is something that I am going to have to accept into my life, but I can't let it change who I am. Sure, there will be a few more bumps in the road and some adjustments, but I've always been the type to overcome obstacles.
Just trying to stay optimistic...
This sounds good. I don't believe you've answered a question I asked, though: was your test with poz results a mouth swab? As I & Koaa2 said, if it was then have a more reliable version done.
I had a mouth swab test a little less than two months ago, negative. Then, I took a blood test a couple weeks ago, positive. They were saying something about the window period which is why the mouth test came back negative.
CeeJay1 saidI had a mouth swab test a little less than two months ago, negative. Then, I took a blood test a couple weeks ago, positive. They were saying something about the window period which is why the mouth test came back negative.
OK, thanks for your reply. Yes, there is that 3 to 6-month "blackout" window when the HIV markers do not appear after exposure. A more expensive test that checks for the virus directly might have revealed it sooner.
But the important thing is that it appears this is a recent infection. That's good, that you detected it early. Now see an infectious disease doctor, preferably one with HIV experience, for consult without delay. The quicker you do, the better your long-term prospects, which today can be very good, indeed. I wish you the very best.
cthedj saidWow...Im disgusted with some of the responses on here. What the hell is the matter with you???? PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES, sometimes life moves at us so fast that we blink and realize we did something stupid. Who the fuck are you to judge this poor guy and what hes going through. Dude if anyone should be getting the gun and using it on themselves it should be you. Youre worthless to me.
Couldn't agree more - CeeJay has never once asked anyone to feel sorry for him. And the point of always playing safe in order to keep more people from getting infected is quite valid - but it's not the point of THIS thread.
Proof positive that some people will go out of their way to be a douchebag, when posting nothing would leave their douchiness in doubt (at least for the time being ...).
So sorry to hear this news. I have several friends who are HIV+ and while they spent a while mourning, they have also picked up and returned to their lives. Sure, it changes things, but like others have said, it doesn't define you and it is no longer a death sentence. I have a friend whose treatment for HIV is simply one pill a day, Atripla. He's been doing very well, and is healthy and happy.
You will realize that you will make it through this, and that millions of other people have this and are also dealing with it. It is manageable.
I recommend seeing a therapist, as they can help you process your grief and talk with you about your feelings, which are very raw right now.
I am in training to become a psychologist, and while I can't offer you real 'therapy' because I cant sit with you in the same room, I can lend an ear to you in this format. Please feel free to send me a message if you'd like to talk or ask more questions... I work for a nationally recognized clinic specifically catering to HIV+ people; I see patients there, so I do have some experience with these things.
CeeJay, it's quite possible that you acquired HIV between the time you had the mouth swab test and the blood test. It's not necessarily related to the accuracy of one test over another.
2-3 months is the window period for most tests these days, however, antibodies can normally be detected as early as 4-6 weeks after exposure in most people. The reason for waiting 2-3 months is because a minority of people (like 5-10%) take longer to form antibodies.
Do you recall any Flu-like symptoms over the past 2 months, such as a high, persistent fever? Up to 80% of people experience high fever 2 weeks after HIV infection, so that can sometimes be a good indicator as to when the infection occurred.
In any case, you're lucky to be living in a time with good HIV medications and treatments that are getting better every year. Hopefully, you won't even need meds for a long time.
I really wish you well and please don't let this virus define you. We all get viruses. HIV unfortunately carries more of a stigma than others and is more dangerous, but anyone you date will have been exposed to some virus over their lifetime. There's much more to you than having a virus or not.
Well, I have some advice, and a question, based on my own experience of being positive.
What type of test was it? If it was anything other than a blood test that came up positive, then there is a slight chance it could be false. You should get a blood test to confirm the results if you haven't already.
As for advice, go see a doctor. Find a good one around you. It is the BEST thing you can do for yourself. Being positive for almost 3 years now, I can say from experience that a good doctor is irreplaceable.
Also, I think you'll find talking to most positive guys, the horror stories are of the effects of the virus people experienced years ago. With a good doctor, under proper supervision and monitoring, you can remain completely healthy and in control of the situation. I've tried a couple different meds, and have had no major side effects, and live a totally healthy, happy, normal life.
As far as telling people, you have to do what you're comfortable with, but I will say having people who know the situation gives you a good circle of support, and someone who knows what's going on in case something ever happens to you.
Feel free to talk to me if you have an questions or concerns.
Don't panic, when you start to feel frayed... don't think about the "what if's" focus on staying with that frayed feeling until it dissipates, don't let it run away with you.
HIV is not a death sentence, it's a wake up call to living your life in a different way. It could happen to anyone for any myriad of reasons, the why isn't that important now. It's what you do with what has happened.
The fact that you disclosed it in a public forum (no matter the degree of anonymity) is brave and wonderful. You are *brave* and *strong* trust that and move towards it. Focus and educate yourself and be kind and easy on you... you did nothing wrong. No matter what anyone says, you did nothing wrong.
There is a lot of love and support out there, don't pass it up when it comes your way. xoxoxox
I am utterly amazed by the amount of compassion that has been shown by HIV- men in this forum. So many of my friends in the past have been judgmental and snarkily evil about this topic while they themselves have had unprotected sex w/ people who get around. (I know, right?...Can anyone say, "projecting?") Thanks, fellas, for reviving my faith in the "community" once again.
And to those who insist on being nasty (figuratively speaking): Keep it up. One day, it could be one of us, and I refuse to invite bad karma by lacking humanity.
And to CeeJay: All the best, man. You're in my prayers.
And to kRakaJak: Thanks for trying to redeem yourself w/ your last post. I was scared for you for a minute, guy.
So sorry to hear this news. I have several friends who are HIV+ and while they spent a while mourning, they have also picked up and returned to their lives. Sure, it changes things, but like others have said, it doesn't define you and it is no longer a death sentence. I have a friend whose treatment for HIV is simply one pill a day, Atripla. He's been doing very well, and is healthy and happy.
You will realize that you will make it through this, and that millions of other people have this and are also dealing with it. It is manageable.
I recommend seeing a therapist, as they can help you process your grief and talk with you about your feelings, which are very raw right now.
I am in training to become a psychologist, and while I can't offer you real 'therapy' because I cant sit with you in the same room, I can lend an ear to you in this format. Please feel free to send me a message if you'd like to talk or ask more questions... I work for a nationally recognized clinic specifically catering to HIV+ people; I see patients there, so I do have some experience with these things.
All the best.
Good hearing that your friend is taking one pill a day and that the others are healthy. This topic has really given me hope. I think all gay men are survivors, not only those of us that are positive. We go through a lot as a community, period.
Also, good luck with becoming a psychologist, from the sound of things I'm sure you will be very helpful to many people!
SeaSon saidCeeJay, it's quite possible that you acquired HIV between the time you had the mouth swab test and the blood test. It's not necessarily related to the accuracy of one test over another.
2-3 months is the window period for most tests these days, however, antibodies can normally be detected as early as 4-6 weeks after exposure in most people. The reason for waiting 2-3 months is because a minority of people (like 5-10%) take longer to form antibodies.
Do you recall any Flu-like symptoms over the past 2 months, such as a high, persistent fever? Up to 80% of people experience high fever 2 weeks after HIV infection, so that can sometimes be a good indicator as to when the infection occurred.
In any case, you're lucky to be living in a time with good HIV medications and treatments that are getting better every year. Hopefully, you won't even need meds for a long time.
I really wish you well and please don't let this virus define you. We all get viruses. HIV unfortunately carries more of a stigma than others and is more dangerous, but anyone you date will have been exposed to some virus over their lifetime. There's much more to you than having a virus or not.
Thank you for that bit of info!
I do remember having symptoms of that sort for a little over a week. It was back in June when I went to San Francisco Pride over the weekend. When I returned home, I was out of it completely. However, I figured I had too much to drink that weekend and it was biting me in the ass once I returned home.
coolb944 saidWell, I have some advice, and a question, based on my own experience of being positive.
What type of test was it? If it was anything other than a blood test that came up positive, then there is a slight chance it could be false. You should get a blood test to confirm the results if you haven't already.
As for advice, go see a doctor. Find a good one around you. It is the BEST thing you can do for yourself. Being positive for almost 3 years now, I can say from experience that a good doctor is irreplaceable.
Also, I think you'll find talking to most positive guys, the horror stories are of the effects of the virus people experienced years ago. With a good doctor, under proper supervision and monitoring, you can remain completely healthy and in control of the situation. I've tried a couple different meds, and have had no major side effects, and live a totally healthy, happy, normal life.
As far as telling people, you have to do what you're comfortable with, but I will say having people who know the situation gives you a good circle of support, and someone who knows what's going on in case something ever happens to you.
Feel free to talk to me if you have an questions or concerns.
It was a blood test that confirmed the positive result.
It's fantastic to hear that everything is working out in your favor and that you're able to live happy and healthy.
All of you guys in here give me so much hope for the future.
as always this is on of those treads that can go belly up real fast after all hiv is in action all i can say is verify your status get the best info u can then life your life blaming some-one else won't matter blaming yourself won,t help (its to late) help your self (now is the time)
those among us who have proven to be poz know what it is to be poz we wont hold it againt u are we sad for u, yes we are for we know what changes ly ahead of u
get your self a hiv doc learn from them
dont worry right now about those who infected you it could be the one who u think or some -one who u don't expect to be ( to one) that s not your problem right now
Wow, well you can thank our government for their gift to the human race, but sadly you are now one of the MANY statistics. I'm sorry to maybe sound like an ass hole but I wish that NONE got this dreadful virus except, "the ones who made it" Dr. Robert Gallo and such- "Check it out on You Tube." When I found out my partner was positive not only was I shocked as he was, we had been together for over a year and had monogamous sex during the whole term of it, condoms during the first 3 months, unprotected during the last 9. Since finding out he has lost considerable amount of weight dropping from 140lbs to 125lbs. He got an infection from our cat and we had to get rid of it. Turns out he's had this virus for awhile now and is actually in the final stages, he's only 32. No doubt bud you're not alone, infected or not we are all in this together AIDS is a humanity issue and a moral issue as well as it was geared towards the "less desirable population" of Blacks, Latinos, Gays, etc.
life is not always what we see in our future but our future is what we see hiv can be a part of it(your life) its up to u yes its human to leave of the condom for a change but bear the consequense dont blame others
and yes we can, live a complete life as a hiv+ person after all we are a person we are who we were and we are who we are the only thing that changed was the + or - sign
CeeJay1 saidI had a mouth swab test a little less than two months ago, negative. Then, I took a blood test a couple weeks ago, positive. They were saying something about the window period which is why the mouth test came back negative.
OK, thanks for your reply. Yes, there is that 3 to 6-month "blackout" window when the HIV markers do not appear after exposure. A more expensive test that checks for the virus directly might have revealed it sooner.
But the important thing is that it appears this is a recent infection. That's good, that you detected it early. Now see an infectious disease doctor, preferably one with HIV experience, for consult without delay. The quicker you do, the better your long-term prospects, which today can be very good, indeed. I wish you the very best.
Could this then determine the dude who did it? I would confront him about his status!
I am a bit confused. What were the events that brought on the positive status? If it was just recreational, unprotected sex, then why should anyone feel sorry for this fellow?
Addicted2me saidI am a bit confused. What were the events that brought on the positive status? If it was just recreational, unprotected sex, then why should anyone feel sorry for this fellow?
You know, when I saw that you were the last poster on this thread, I just had to drop by to see if you would be as big an asshole as ever.
Addicted2me saidI am a bit confused. What were the events that brought on the positive status? If it was just recreational, unprotected sex, then why should anyone feel sorry for this fellow?
You know, when I saw that you were the last poster on this thread, I just had to drop by to see if you would be as big an asshole as ever.
Oh yeah, I'm so sorry that I ask questions about someone who apparently chooses to engage in risky behavior and then finds himself dumbfounded when the shit hits the proverbial fan. Go suck an egg.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Sending lots of love and light from Philly! I have friends who tell me about their experiences and alot of them werent fun and some are hard to hear but life goes on and days became brighter for them. Stay strong and keep going.
Oh yeah, I'm so sorry that I ask questions about someone who apparently chooses to engage in risky behavior and then finds himself dumbfounded when the shit hits the proverbial fan. Go suck an egg.
Living on a pedestal must be nice; such scenic views of the rolling vistas. The air quality must be fantastic, far too pure to ever feel empathetic towards those breathing the air down there.
You know what you ought to do? Build a house on the pedestal! Yes! Build it up nice and high and live in it--you'll be able to look down on everyone below. Imagine the breathtaking views as you sip your morning coffee, looking at everyone below you like ants and being completely unable to fathom what it's like to be fallible and human.
Dude, your situation is serious but not hopeless and you aren't helpless. You have a lot of options and a lot of support out there. And just like before your diagnosis you have a responsibility to take care of yourself and you will. You have a condition (being positive) but you don't have a disease yet and you may never develop A.I.D.S. Try your best not to get scared. Do get smart. Do your research and homework. Read and educate yourself about this virus and what it is to be HIV positive and get in a support group if possible. Knowledge is definitely power here and talking about your fears and identifying with other guys in a similar situation can really "dis-empower" the threat. I have to say it was rather courageous of you to openly write about this on this site. That took balls and good for you. You still have your life to live. You still have love to give. You can still run with the best of them and win. True it isn't easy adjusting to these very powerful medications when the time comes for when YOU are ready to start them along with the professional opinion of your doctor. But it is manageable and the greater good far out weighs the lesser bad (that being the inconvenience of the side effects). Quality of life is important so be sure to regularly partner with you doctor with check up appointments and get checked out. And also in my opinion, (and by no means am I suggesting you should count your blessings here or feel lucky), if you look around you there are far worse debilitating conditions and diseases to have and some of those people are victims too. Sure you got hit with a big one. You had a bum day finding out and you have much to consider and learn. But you're not dead and I can guarantee that you are going to discover a whole lot more about yourself. And don't forget to keep lifting and weight training and be honorable about the sex you have from this point forward. It might be uncomfortable or awkward at first but everyone should be entitled to make an informed decision because guilt is such a killjoy. Now get back in the race guy. I'm rooting for you.
Oh yeah, I'm so sorry that I ask questions about someone who apparently chooses to engage in risky behavior and then finds himself dumbfounded when the shit hits the proverbial fan. Go suck an egg.
Living on a pedestal must be nice; such scenic views of the rolling vistas. The air quality must be fantastic, far too pure to ever feel empathetic towards those breathing the air down there.
You know what you ought to do? Build a house on the pedestal! Yes! Build it up nice and high and live in it--you'll be able to look down on everyone below. Imagine the breathtaking views as you sip your morning coffee, looking at everyone below you like ants and being completely unable to fathom what it's like to be fallible and human.
Oh, will you please cut the melodramatic bullshit? I'm going to assume that the original poster knew the risks involved in what he was doing, and he decided to gamble with his life and do it anyway. And everyone here is sweet-talking him like he isn't responsible for his actions. Well, sorry, but he is. He freely admitted to engaging several times in unprotected sex. If anything, he should be the "asshole" for deliberately putting himself and everyone else at risk.
Oh yeah, I'm so sorry that I ask questions about someone who apparently chooses to engage in risky behavior and then finds himself dumbfounded when the shit hits the proverbial fan. Go suck an egg.
Living on a pedestal must be nice; such scenic views of the rolling vistas. The air quality must be fantastic, far too pure to ever feel empathetic towards those breathing the air down there.
You know what you ought to do? Build a house on the pedestal! Yes! Build it up nice and high and live in it--you'll be able to look down on everyone below. Imagine the breathtaking views as you sip your morning coffee, looking at everyone below you like ants and being completely unable to fathom what it's like to be fallible and human.
Oh, will you please cut the melodramatic bullshit? I'm going to assume that the original poster knew the risks involved in what he was doing, and he decided to gamble with his life and do it anyway. And everyone here is sweet-talking him like he isn't responsible for his actions. Well, sorry, but he is. He freely admitted to engaging several times in unprotected sex. If anything, he should be the "asshole" for deliberately putting himself and everyone else at risk.
Even CeeJay1 admits responsibility for his situation. But responsibility and empathy are not mutually exclusive. Why you seem to think they are remains the more pertinent question.
Oh yeah, I'm so sorry that I ask questions about someone who apparently chooses to engage in risky behavior and then finds himself dumbfounded when the shit hits the proverbial fan. Go suck an egg.
Living on a pedestal must be nice; such scenic views of the rolling vistas. The air quality must be fantastic, far too pure to ever feel empathetic towards those breathing the air down there.
You know what you ought to do? Build a house on the pedestal! Yes! Build it up nice and high and live in it--you'll be able to look down on everyone below. Imagine the breathtaking views as you sip your morning coffee, looking at everyone below you like ants and being completely unable to fathom what it's like to be fallible and human.
Oh, will you please cut the melodramatic bullshit? I'm going to assume that the original poster knew the risks involved in what he was doing, and he decided to gamble with his life and do it anyway. And everyone here is sweet-talking him like he isn't responsible for his actions. Well, sorry, but he is. He freely admitted to engaging several times in unprotected sex. If anything, he should be the "asshole" for deliberately putting himself and everyone else at risk.
Even CeeJay1 admits responsibility for his situation. But responsibility and empathy are not mutually exclusive. Why you seem to think they are remains the more pertinent question.
What is there to "empathize" with? I can't empathize with someone who is promiscuous, and moreover, someone who opts to be unsafe in pursuing that kind of life, since that is not who I am. You reap what you sow. Maybe you and everyone else shedding their fake ass virtual tears garner some kind of satisfaction from it, and you feel like better people because of it in this little enclave you've created on RJ. Fine, but I won't adhere to it. A spade is a spade.
Knowledge is power-take care of yourself. Contact others you might have infected. Also realize it is a virus and can and will mutate and the current treatments will not work forever. Continue to practice safe sex and be good to yourself!! Get tested again in 3 months and see a qualified Dr. to get a benchmark of where you are now health wise!!
CJ, I just read all you wrote for the fourth time. You said you're an emotional wreck. I don't doubt it and it's a normal reaction to be emotional right now.You are scared. Terrified, I bet, that you probably think of this as the onset of the end of your life. It's not. It is a consuming horrible thought. But it's not the end of your life, as long as you don't let it be that. It is upsetting for you right now. You're probably going to cry if you haven't already. It's alright. It's normal. Let it out. Get it out. But, just as so many of the good guys on here have stated, don't beat yourself up over this. To get angry at yourself, well, it accomplishes absolutely nothing. So cry and be glad you know your status as you said. It's a good thing to know because the big question is what are you going to do about it? The energy you put forth has to be good and in yourself. It's perfectly acceptable to think of yourself right now. And it's good you told your best friend. Telling someone whom you trust and is secure, stable and loves you unconditionally is important. It sounds like and I'm glad you have that. And don't think about telling your family or anyone else you have a strong fear of informing. That's a "head-trip" you can't manage right now. First duty is to yourself. Remember, sometimes people's reactions to such information like this, (that carries such a stigma) is often affected by how YOU are handling your situation and holding up when you tell them. Right now is probably not the time for you to tell the people you seem to most want to protect. It's not likely you could effectively manage or alleviate their reaction at such a time. You take care of you. You questioned what if you are very sick? Then with that information you will get on a very good treatment to make you better from your very good doctor. You will get stronger. You will understand this better and a little bit more everyday. You will get this sorted out and live your life.
Hey, Mr. Addicted2me, one of these days YOU'RE going to have a fall from grace and dignity, and when that happens, thanks to your attitude, you'll probably beg and cry for help and then wonder why those passing by ignore you, spit on you, urinate on you, kick your teeth down your throat, and then hand you a Bible tract.
Your judgmental attitude will be your downfall. And it'll be nobody's fault but your own. You prick.
Oh yeah, I'm so sorry that I ask questions about someone who apparently chooses to engage in risky behavior and then finds himself dumbfounded when the shit hits the proverbial fan. Go suck an egg.
Living on a pedestal must be nice; such scenic views of the rolling vistas. The air quality must be fantastic, far too pure to ever feel empathetic towards those breathing the air down there.
You know what you ought to do? Build a house on the pedestal! Yes! Build it up nice and high and live in it--you'll be able to look down on everyone below. Imagine the breathtaking views as you sip your morning coffee, looking at everyone below you like ants and being completely unable to fathom what it's like to be fallible and human.
Oh, will you please cut the melodramatic bullshit? I'm going to assume that the original poster knew the risks involved in what he was doing, and he decided to gamble with his life and do it anyway. And everyone here is sweet-talking him like he isn't responsible for his actions. Well, sorry, but he is. He freely admitted to engaging several times in unprotected sex. If anything, he should be the "asshole" for deliberately putting himself and everyone else at risk.
Even CeeJay1 admits responsibility for his situation. But responsibility and empathy are not mutually exclusive. Why you seem to think they are remains the more pertinent question.
What is there to "empathize" with? I can't empathize with someone who is promiscuous, and moreover, someone who opts to be unsafe in pursuing that kind of life, since that is not who I am. You reap what you sow. Maybe you and everyone else shedding their fake ass virtual tears garner some kind of satisfaction from it, and you feel like better people because of it in this little enclave you've created on RJ. Fine, but I won't adhere to it. A spade is a spade.
I will have to agree with you here Addicted. But there are lots of things going on here. One of the chief ones is the moral issue with HIV. It still exists even though no one wants to talk about it. We gay people want to live in an absolute permissive culture where you do anything as long as it pleases you. And there's supposed to be no consequence. And if there is a consequence there is not supposed to be a judgment call. Well this is plainly stupid. We make judgment calls every single day. We know enough from the 80s that anonymous, promiscuous sex can land you in hot water. That used to stop most of us until meds became better. Once that happened - we reverted to our promiscuous ways -except we now call it NSA or hookups or one nighters. A slightly nicer ring than being promiscuous. And we look forward to the day when there’s a cure for AIDS so that we can revert to our promiscuous ways. With not a thought given to – well just supposed there’s another super bug…
I can see the empathy issue if he got infected unknowingly. I can also see the empathy that he’s a fellow human who has contracted a life altering disease.
Here is another data point for you: I was infected about 1983 and had my first test (positive) in 1985. Ever since the Docs have monitored it with blood tests every 3-6 months or so. It wasn't until 1995--a full 10 years after my positive test--that I started meds. Now here I am, 24 years after that positive test, still alive and healthy. I have more trouble with life-long allergies and the ravages of aging than the HIV now.
You will have to educate yourself a bit though. Seek out a doctor or clinic with a good reputation for treating HIV, and for answering questions! Meds do have side effects. I started meds when they were still pretty rough on the body, sometimes more dangerous than the HIV itself. I educated myself, and in consultation with my doctor cycled on and off the meds over the years. I believe I have struck a good balance between the toxicity of the meds and the progression of the HIV. I will say this....immodium will become your best friend. If the meds give you the trots (a very common side effect), balance it out with immodium and you can function normally.
One more comment: The HIV blood tests (Elisa and Western Blot) rarely produce false negative results. False positives with the Elisa have been common; the Western Blot is more reliable. In either case, it takes 30-90 days after exposure to HIV before enough antibodies are present in the bloodstream to be detected accurately. So any negative test should be repeated in 90 days to be sure.
I know this has been traumatic for you so far. But it is no longer the death sentence it once was. In 1985 when I acquired it, almost everyone with HIV died within 3-5 years. Imagine how I felt! Now 24 years later my only regret is cashing in my retirement savings back then thinking I had no need for it.
Here's wishing you peace with with your HIV status, and a long and happy life to follow. It will come true.
I didn't realize that people were still replying to this topic.
It has turned into a bit of a circus, but that's expected (as I've said before)
Anyhow, I want to make a few things clear:
- I'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, I just posted my thoughts and asked about other people's experiences. - I DO understand that with risky behavior can come consequences. - I didn't realize that some people could be such assholes. - I will never be the person that is the reason someone comes into a forum to create a post like mine.
I don't want to say I am angry because ultimately I am responsible for becoming infected. You go over and over in your head about, "I should have, I could have...[used a condom]." I can't believe I would always tell my promiscuous friends to "WRAP IT UP" whenever they had risky encounters, but then I became infected. Hell, I even volunteered for a clinic once and talked to people about protecting themselves. How did this happen!?
I believe in always having safe sex, but just as anyone, you have slip ups. Unfortunately, it only takes one. I guess I learned the hard way..
Anyhow, reading the posts in these forums don't relieve my fears whatsoever. The medicine side effects, complications, and the "wasting away" that I keep hearing about. I don't know what to do. I mean, I know I should schedule an appointment to see my doctor, but what if I'm very sick?
I am glad to know my status, but I am not glad to get a positive result. What if it's an error? Should I get tested again?! I'm an emotional wreck.
I have only told my best friend. I can't imagine telling my parents, friends, or anyone else for that matter.
How was everyones experience when you first found out?
I work for ASG, AIDS Services Group in Charlottesville Va, When counseling people who come into our office we do a risk reduction plan which includes changing something about their risk behaviors, condom use , substance abuse and or education. When it comes to delivering a reactive antibody test, I have to assess the persons readiness, it's not easy, I have to instill the message that we have come a long way from the early days of HIV/AIDS, It is important to begin your meds when your doctor or medical advisor recommends treatment, However if your concern about getting tested again would be confirmation for you, then by all means satisfy those feelings, talk with your local Aids Service Organization, they are very supportive. It sounds like disclosure may be another topic for your concern.Take one step at a time, know that people do care and love you.
