When is it over?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2009 1:02 PM GMT
    After 6 years in my first gay relationship I am at a cross roads. Do I go it alone or give in and settle for mediocrity for the rest of my life? This has been the toughest relationship in my life, full of compromise on my part and we both seem bitter. We argue, about nothing, say it's time to split, he then apologies for being in the wrong. Nights have turned into sitting in front of the TV eating and not much else, it was winter I guess but surely we could find something better to do. We just don't seem to connect anymore, I guess we must have at one stage but I can't recall that time. He doesn't care about his appearance and I want to see my ab's again! I try to reduce my food intake, he brings home chocolate. I have no will power. We've not had relations in over a year and life seems to be about the mortgage, renovations or who's turn it is to clean. Is it time to move on?

    Any long term relationship advice out there?

    Will.

  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Sep 05, 2009 5:06 PM GMT
    there's no rule that says just because you love someone you're going to stay in love with them. that's because always continuously change, and it sounds like another you fell in love with another him. Right now you're both different people who cannot express the same feelings you once did. That's nothing to be ashamed of, and it's brutal to feel, but you will feel better with someone you want to be with instead of where you are right now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2009 5:19 PM GMT
    tcom saidAfter 6 years in my first gay relationship I am at a cross roads. Do I go it alone or give in and settle for mediocrity for the rest of my life? This has been the toughest relationship in my life, full of compromise on my part and we both seem bitter. We argue, about nothing, say it's time to split, he then apologies for being in the wrong. Nights have turned into sitting in front of the TV eating and not much else, it was winter I guess but surely we could find something better to do. We just don't seem to connect anymore, I guess we must have at one stage but I can't recall that time. He doesn't care about his appearance and I want to see my ab's again! I try to reduce my food intake, he brings home chocolate. I have no will power. We've not had relations in over a year and life seems to be about the mortgage, renovations or who's turn it is to clean. Is it time to move on?

    Any long term relationship advice out there?

    Will.



    The person to ask is him, and yourself. You'll find that answer within.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Sep 05, 2009 6:33 PM GMT
    Will, your a tough point, do you stay in it and stand it or do you leave. I'm starting to think relationships have life spans. I'm not saying I still don't believe in happily ever after, but I'm starting to see the opposite. Follow your heart the head always catches up later. Good luck to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2009 6:52 PM GMT

    I think the ULTIMATE indicator that you can't stand a person and should break it off is when you can't stand any longer to watch him eat or hear him breathe. I say that because a person needs to do both to live. If sitting across from him at the dinner table or lying next to him in bed you wish he'd cease to do either you are in essence wishing he were dead. That's when it's over.

    If its just you guys are focused on the mechanics of being together like paying bills, renovations, and maybe becoming more sedentary, welcome to real life. Maybe after six years you need to spice things up, but it doesn't sound like there is any anger or resentment. If it were just about any guy, after six years, things would be just average like they are. Unless you guys were Gomez and Morticia, I guess you guys sound kinda normal with the exception of the no sex for a year.

    Spice things up, next time he brings home chocolate muffins, snatch them out of the box, and smear them all over your naked bodies, eat them off of each other...er something. icon_redface.gif

  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 05, 2009 6:55 PM GMT
    I wouldn't tolerate personally, I've been there and being single is better than that. Go to a couples counselor and find out if you two can make it a better relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2009 7:31 PM GMT
    tcom saidAfter 6 years in my first gay relationship I am at a cross roads. Do I go it alone or give in and settle for mediocrity for the rest of my life? This has been the toughest relationship in my life, full of compromise on my part and we both seem bitter. We argue, about nothing, say it's time to split, he then apologies for being in the wrong. Nights have turned into sitting in front of the TV eating and not much else, it was winter I guess but surely we could find something better to do. We just don't seem to connect anymore, I guess we must have at one stage but I can't recall that time. He doesn't care about his appearance and I want to see my ab's again! I try to reduce my food intake, he brings home chocolate. I have no will power. We've not had relations in over a year and life seems to be about the mortgage, renovations or who's turn it is to clean. Is it time to move on?

    Any long term relationship advice out there?

    Will.



    You both need to give each other a swift kick in the butt to wake yourselves up. Taking care of the house and "regular" kind of nights together in front of the TV aren't really indications of mediocrity.

    Not willing to talk about doing other things and being reluctant to shake things up when you want to is mediocrity.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2009 7:40 PM GMT
    If your not having sex at least once every couple of weeks, there's something wrong. No couple is that busy... You guys seem to be staying together because you have financial obligations together... if your not attracted to him, move on...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2009 8:11 PM GMT
    Well see if you'd feel more comfortable just being friends and roommates. Change your room. Start not sleeping together. See how that feels. Every person in a relationship has to respect the others belief's, choices and lifestyle whether your friends, roommates or lovers. If he just seems to be "tempting" you w/the sins of life and you can't say no. I know it's easy to say from here to just be tougher...
    Good luck...
  • nadaquever_rm

    Posts: 139

    Sep 05, 2009 9:26 PM GMT
    It take you to sit yourself in front of the TV. It's your call to be waiting at home for those chocolates, and it's your decision to see your life as mediocre.

    In your entire message, the only hint of either of you doing anything nice was the comment about your bf bring you home some chocolates.

    Why not try investing in your relationship? It's won't be easy as you're at a low point, but really work at it. Cook healthier meals. Go for a walk after dinner. Be at the gym working out when those chocolates come home. Snuggle up next to your man without trying to have sex. Talk.

    Maybe you'll feel the same in six months, so you'll know you have to leave, but at least you'll be healthier in every way (and as an overweight, middle-aged, bitter man, you're chances of finding someone new now are awfully low, so you have some time). However, you might just like your relationship a lot more after putting something into it.
  • jarhead5536

    Posts: 1348

    Sep 05, 2009 9:45 PM GMT
    Ann Landers, of all people, had what I think is probably the best relationship advice I've ever heard.

    Are you better off with him or without him?

    And by better off, she meant in every way, emotionally as well as relating to the stability of your life. We all have to make conscious choices over what is absolutely required in our lives, and what we can put up with in the spirit of compromise/stability/security/whatever you want to cal it...
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Sep 06, 2009 2:29 AM GMT
    Your relationship is beyond repair. Just move on.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 06, 2009 11:33 AM GMT
    When is it over?

    There is the simple answer of when it is over and that's .... when it's over

    I know that sounds glib
    But when you no longer enjoy each other and that can be on an emotional or on a physical level .... it's time to say good by
    after that point you are only causing more discomfort and pain in both of your lives

    To me what you described is an irreparable situation
    But to gage where you are
    you check .... is there an enjoyable sex life?
    Can you have a lengthy conversation without it devolving into an argument
    and most telling is ... do you enjoy coming home after work to see your partner?

    If not then you owe it to yourself to move on and enjoy what little time we have on this earth
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2009 3:00 PM GMT

    Hey tcom, welcome to Realjock!

    Our advice is to be aware of the mechanics of existence overwhelming the spark of being together.

    Sit down and have an honest chat about romance and what it means to each of you.


    Let us know what you two conclude as important in that regard..


    -us