Is it Him, or my own problem?

  • Oralphunk

    Posts: 2

    Dec 09, 2007 11:26 PM GMT
    My partner and I have been together for over 2 years now and he's an absolutely amazing guy. Recently I quit a high paying job that kept me travelling quite a bit, so that I could be with him. I managed to find work locally but nothing that would pay nearly enough as before. As a result I had to cut back on certain extras such as gym membership etc, I put on weight and started feeling really bad about myself. Not being able to have the same input financially, body image and other factors really damaged my self worth with me now having to rely on my boyfriend to pick up the slack. I've been so frustrated and unhappy and as a result I have pushed him away to the point where I don't know if I still love him the way I used to. Maybe I'm just being stupid and because of my hurt pride I'm projecting my negativity onto him and our relationship. What if my feelings have changed, how do I tell him without destroying him. I don't know where to go from here?
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    Dec 10, 2007 12:01 AM GMT
    What does your boyfriend think? Has he voiced any complaints?

    It sounds like you are in the midst of self-loathing. I wouldnt think it is your feelings to him that have changed, but your feelings for yourself. Your feelings for the relationship may have changed too, because the thought of the relationship is painful in your current condition. Dropping him and ending the relationship may make you feeling better cuz the pressure is off to look good.

    Sweetie, you are going to take you with you after this relationship. Dumping a good man....who is even willing to pick up more of the tab....isn't going to change a thing for the better. In fact, you will probably feel worse on your own.

    The solution: get yourself back into shape. Watch what you eat...and you dont need a gym to exercise. Excuses, excuses, excuses! That is all you are making. Get over them.

    Now, be good....and dont make all of RJ line up to bitch slap you back to your senses.

    Any other questions?
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    Dec 10, 2007 12:25 AM GMT
    Do talk to him. He might be very confussed about what is going on.
    It sounds like he does love you still. Plus, he will see that you made a sacrifice for him and that is alot. It might have even been something to make the relationship stronger and better.
    Talk to him. You are going through a rough time and he deserves to know. Don't worry, things will get better. (They might get worse and/or harder first, but they will get better.)
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Dec 10, 2007 12:44 AM GMT
    talk to him. most couples issues seem to be money related. straight or gay. money issues tend to be more pronounced in M2M relationships because we both want to be the bread winner and no matter what, one will always make more than the other. be careful. once resentment is built it is almost impossible to get past it!!
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Dec 10, 2007 12:46 AM GMT
    Good advice from both Caslon, Ruby and Lift. As caslon says you don't need a gym to exercise. It always amazes me how many people use that excuse for not being fit.

    Hope everything works out for you.

    Mike
  • Alan95823

    Posts: 306

    Dec 10, 2007 1:23 AM GMT
    Oralphunk, since everything in your post was about your feelings about yourself, it doesn't sound like your feelings about your partner have changed. You've pushed him away because of how you feel about you, but you changed your life in order to be with him.

    Have this conversation with him, tell him you've been feeling some self-loathing but do not tell him you're doubting your feelings towards him... I think that could just hurt your relationship, and him, unnecessarily. Instead, talk about how you're feeling about yourself and why, and let him help you handle it and change it.

    I bet the two of you can get past this hurdle, and go on being happier than before. If he's an absolutely amazing guy (as you said in your opening sentence), do NOT let him go. There are lots of amazing guys out there, but it's hard to find the ones who are a) single and b) compatible with you.
  • Oralphunk

    Posts: 2

    Dec 10, 2007 3:16 AM GMT
    Thanks guys for all your advice, it has been helpful and constructive. You have given me a bit to think about and a bit of direction as to where I want to go from here. Thanks for listening!
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Dec 10, 2007 3:40 AM GMT
    You've just made some major changes in your life causing some personal upheaval, which seems only natural. I agree with much of the advice above. I'd suggest first therapy for yourself. I think you will find much of what you going through to be your perception of things. But, couples counseling may be helpful as you and your partner navigate how some of these changes affect you as a couple.
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    Dec 10, 2007 4:40 AM GMT
    It is perfectly ok to be scared when change occurs. Not a lot of people can handle even the smallest amount of change.
    Do talk to him. I don’t want to judge, but it would be silly to throw away two years because of something like this. The last few lines almost sounded to me like you do still love him very much and you do not want to say good bye. Let him know about the insecurities you are feeling. Something I do 100% agree with is DO NOT tell him you might not love him as you used to. Don’t even suggest a break. That might cause too much unnecessary damage.
    I would comment more, but I feel I would be reiterating what everyone else has said.
    These wounds will heal and this too shall pass.
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    Dec 10, 2007 2:16 PM GMT
    its like to me that you have identified problems on your own end. If you didn't have thoes issues you wouldn't be feeling this way. It could be something has fallen out of your relationship but from everything you said it sounds like you need to fix things with yourself. If I were you, I wouldn't say anything to him for fear of losing someone thats been there by my side through the better and worse of times. If anything talk to him tell him how you are feeling about yourself and see if he can help you some how to get back on track where you were. Good luck! icon_smile.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Dec 11, 2007 11:55 AM GMT
    Sounds more of your problem than his...
    you said that you're not feeling good about yourself and that you're pushing him away...why?
    There are some issues that you're having and it maybe because of self-worth or depression...
    talk to your BF
    I don't think it's ever a good idea to stop gym memberships and stop working out
    it's an outlet and keeps the body in tone with the mind

    talk to your BF see where he is in all of this and then talk to someone professional...sounds to me like you might need a bit of help
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    Dec 11, 2007 12:24 PM GMT
    For a lot of us - especially many of us that are 'TYPE A' - a lot of our view of our self and self worth is tied to our careers.

    We are not happy unless we are out there on the edge performing to the best of our abilities, maybe 'proving' ourselves to ourselves over and over.

    I think you need to sit down and talk seriously with your partner... Rubyblue hit the nail on the head.

    I also agree with Alan95823 who wrote "Have this conversation with him, tell him you've been feeling some self-loathing but do not tell him you're doubting your feelings towards him... I think that could just hurt your relationship, and him, unnecessarily. Instead, talk about how you're feeling about yourself and why, and let him help you handle it and change it."

    Finally, there are a lot of ways to stay - or get back into - shape without a gym membership. You obviously have access to a computer, so look up some exercises you can do without all the fancy equipment.

    In the end, you and your partner may decide that you need to make compromises on finding you a new position so that you feel more fulfilled professionally. That will come with time and discussion.

    COMMUNICATION is the key word. If I may be so bold... buy a box of your favorite wine - or a 12 pack of your favorite beer (In vino veritas), sit your partner down tonight, get comfortable, hold each other, and talk to him.
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    Dec 14, 2007 6:02 AM GMT
    It sounds like you're building a wall around yourself because maybe your own self confidence has slipped a little bit. Maybe there's some guilt or remorse because he's had to pick up the slack financially?

    If the tables were turned and the situation put you in his position, how would you feel? Your answer could have a lot to do with why you might be starting to withdraw from him.

    Talk with him, and find a solution, so that things balance out a bit more.