clueless on the gay life

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2009 8:36 PM GMT
    Hello all!

    First let me say that I really enjoy reading these posts! it almost always puts me in a better mood knowing that there are other intelligent, like minded "gay" guys out there like myself.

    having said that, i could totally use some advice. I am new to the "gay scene"... or should i say I am new to accepting the fact that I am gay lol.

    my problem is that i find myself clueless on how to meet guys. literally all of my friends are straight, and as much as they might accept me (i am not out to them), i could never see them coming with me to a gay bar. I have been to a few gay bars by myself, which took a SHIT load of courage, but the few guys I spoke with there were really caddy and rude to me. go figure? sooo then I tried a few online sites, and my few encounters were with total lunatics....

    So I guess my questions are....

    Where do I meet normal guys? (maybe even guys with similar interests)

    How can I recognize if a guy is hitting on me?

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!! and try to keep the mocking to a minimum icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 11, 2009 9:33 PM GMT
    I'm a Jersey boy myself, and have learned that the best way to meet normal guys is to stay the hell away from New Jersey. But Budapest?

    Seriously, I don't know if many of us here will understand the cultural differences, of both the gay community there, and the nature of local social interaction in general. Are there gay online discussion sites there? Do you feel you already know the gay scene there pretty well?
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    Sep 11, 2009 9:51 PM GMT
    I hope some Hungarian or other central Europeans will reply to your post. My first reaction on reading it was "Why the fuck would any gay guy be rude and catty to this good-looking guy?" When my partner and I were in Vienna last year, we went to several gay bars. Some were full of young fashion dudes, and we were totally ignored (at 66, I'm used to that and it does'nt bother me) . Other bars were full of friendly chatty guys. Maybe the bars in Budapest are similar. Try a different club? Try a gay cafe?
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    Sep 11, 2009 10:43 PM GMT


    Hey jerseyboy87 , Welcome to Realjock!


    Try this :

    http://www.budapestgaycity.net/


    It's looks like a pretty decent site and full of info for visitors and foreign nationals. Go out there and get 'em!


    -us
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    Sep 12, 2009 12:23 PM GMT
    Hey guys, thank you for the responses.... I should have been more specific with location lol. I live in New Jersey, I am just here in Budapest for an extended vacation.

    and yes Budapest gay life is totally different, MUCH harder to integrate yourself into then anywhere in America I would imagine.


    but yes, i am referring to New Jersey, Philadelphia, or really anywhere in America in general.....


    hope this allows for more feedback!!!!icon_smile.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 12, 2009 12:58 PM GMT
    Well first, welcome to RJ! I hope you find this site a real help to you. There are many here who are really decent guys and if we can help you, be assurred, we will!

    Developing friendships, socializing with gay men. It all can be a challenge in the beginning, especially if you aren't totally comfortable (and some may not be). It sounds like you are fairly clued in to some of the less than positive points of social "gaydom", but my suggestion is to contact some of the RJ guys here that are in Philadelphia and Jersey City and ask them about any good gay social organizations that you might want to consider participation.
    Ask everything.... clarify bars and their reputations, etc. I think the point is, develop some good friendships first and make good decisions about what you are doing or want to do.

    Be aware, think carefully, but absolutely enjoy yourself. There are some good guys out there. You sound like one and we always need more.
    Keep us informed and again welcome to the site!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2009 1:28 PM GMT
    Hi,

    My name is Pedro. I am from Portugal.
    I am visiting Budapest for the first time on the 6th of October.
    I will be staying until the 11th.
    Would be nice to meet a friendly local guy to have a drink somewhere.
    If interested to meet me, please e-mail me at : park_ward@hotmail.com
    See you...


  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Sep 12, 2009 1:33 PM GMT
    Maybe there are some organizations, groups, etc that you can join.

    One of the hottest bars I have ever been to is in Budapest, enjoy!
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    Sep 12, 2009 2:56 PM GMT


    "stop trying so hard, meninlove, sheesh. for being old married guys y'all spend way too much time on here."

    lol, join the human race Crackerjack, and we might consider your blather.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2009 3:54 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    "stop trying so hard, meninlove, sheesh. for being old married guys y'all spend way too much time on here."

    lol, join the human race Crackerjack, and we might consider your blather.


    Don't feed the trools, meninllve
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2009 4:02 PM GMT
    Meet normal guys outside of bars and clubs. Go to service groups, activism groups, gay sports leagues, take classes at the gym, talk to friends of your friends to expand your social network.

    You don;t meet friends or boyfriends at the club. You meet tricks at the club.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2009 4:22 PM GMT
    Jerseyboy... first of all welcome to RJ. I can totally relate to everything you mentioned. I also came out to myself at the beginning of this year and shortly after came out to all of my friends/family none of which are gay.

    I really wanted to get involved with the community and make new friends. It was not easy and still isn't. Don't take that as a roadblock though. It took a tremendous amount of courage to go to Hartford's local gay club where I was a complete outsider and knew nobody. Yes, many guys out there are jerks, liers, and very very deceptive but you won't know unless you just go out there and meet em'. Don't become bitter; yes your heart will be broken I'm sure like all of us, just learn and move on. I promise there are good guys out there.

    You have made a great start by being part of RJ, tthe site is full of cool guys. Like others have said before me, try to meet guys outside of bars/clubs... like gym classes, activism groups, etc.

    Best of luck in Budapest!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2009 4:34 PM GMT
    You can join clubs or associations....like swimming, rugby, chess, theater, cooking etc. There are also excusively gay clubs too.
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    Sep 12, 2009 4:41 PM GMT
    Try joining gay groups that do stuff you're interested in - do some googling: there are tons of gay choruses, rugby clubs, flying associations, lawyers groups - you name it. I've met almost all my best friends, gay and straight, simply by being involved in the things I love to do (notably skiing). And the more out you are, the easier it is to connect with other out gay guys who do the stuff you enjoy.

    Bars and the internet are often poor places - but I've made one or two friends here on RJ, and a very dear friend met his partner here.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2009 10:16 PM GMT
    Thanks guys! i really appreciate the advice!!! icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2009 10:23 PM GMT
    Become a stud and all the bis, gays, straights, will find you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2009 10:27 PM GMT
    you can always meet guys online through different dating sites. Although I think itll be great if all your close friends know about your sexual orientation, they might end up introducing you to someone you might feel attracted to, who knows! You dont need a group of gay friends you just need friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2009 10:41 PM GMT
    Hey Jersey!

    Welcome to RJ.

    I would strike up a few conversations with some of the guys in your area here. I have yet to meet an RJer who isn't cool. Matter of fact, when I'm on the road traveling, I always end up knowing I have a friend in whatever city I'm in thanks to this site.

    Also, I'd suggest you try different bars until you find one that feels right to you. I, too, am not a fan of the catty "stand and model" sorta bars. If you feel intimidated by the crowd, have a seat at the bar - you'll at least have the bartender to chat up, and they're usually quite friendly.

    Lastly, there's no need to "conform" to the gay scene. Not saying you are, but don't feel you need to in order to enjoy your gay life. Just be gay your way!

    Have fun!!
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Sep 12, 2009 11:54 PM GMT
    hey, well I heard about this think In Philadelphia, it's called Philadelphia Jacks. Basically you can jack off with guys from all over Philadelphia and blow your load, but there are rules to keep things healthy and clean. I heard it was hella fun and Every major city in the world has something like it I've been invited to the one in Munich but I'm a bit scared to go. lol icon_razz.gif but you should check it out ^^.





    www.philadelphiajacks.com/ RESIZED TEXT GOES HERE
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 13, 2009 12:46 AM GMT
    jerseyboy87 saidHello all!

    First let me say that I really enjoy reading these posts! it almost always puts me in a better mood knowing that there are other intelligent, like minded "gay" guys out there like myself.

    having said that, i could totally use some advice. I am new to the "gay scene"... or should i say I am new to accepting the fact that I am gay lol.

    my problem is that i find myself clueless on how to meet guys. literally all of my friends are straight, and as much as they might accept me (i am not out to them), i could never see them coming with me to a gay bar. I have been to a few gay bars by myself, which took a SHIT load of courage, but the few guys I spoke with there were really caddy and rude to me. go figure? sooo then I tried a few online sites, and my few encounters were with total lunatics....

    So I guess my questions are....

    Where do I meet normal guys? (maybe even guys with similar interests)

    How can I recognize if a guy is hitting on me?

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!! and try to keep the mocking to a minimum icon_smile.gif


    1) Meeting normal guys
    A: You don't meet sane, date-able guys anywhere but in the wonderful world of "Real Life". It's the same way with straight people. Knock it off with the dating sites.
    B: Fuck the bars. See above.

    2) Recognizing if you're being hit-on by another dude
    It's exactly the same as being hit-on by another chick, save for some differences in mannerisms and vocabulary. If he's flirting with you, he's at least interested.

    Jesus man, this isn't rocket science.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Sep 13, 2009 12:50 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidI'm a Jersey boy myself, and have learned that the best way to meet normal guys is to stay the hell away from New Jersey...
    icon_lol.gif
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Sep 13, 2009 1:23 AM GMT
    I'm recently coming into my own concerning homosexuality and through sifting through the mountainous volumes of the forum threads and chatting with the best and worst of them, I feel I can more clearly understand who I may be.
    It's very difficult trying to understand what it means to be gay in america or anywhere in the world for that matter. But I have also learned that there aren't so few of us about to ever feel alone or hopeless. I truly believe that I can someday meet a man to which I can give my heart and eventually marry and have a family. It's no longer this hopeless idea meant for only heterosexual males.

    In terms of where to meet these kinds of men, one method may be to utilize this site to converse with some guys, connect with them, and then plan to meet up (hence what Chemistry.com tries to do). Another involves going somewhere that you share a common belief or interest (that is gay-affiliated) and get to know more like-minded gays. But keep in mind that the purpose of meeting so many different types of men is to open up your horizons, therefore increasing the likelihood that you'll make a genuine connection with someone.
    If you are one of those people who'll " only " date certain kinds of boys, then you'll end up as one of those guys who'll " only " miss out on all of the wonderfully crazy, moderately psychotic, terribly endearing, and quixotically dedicated men out there (and that's putting it lightly).

    Being gay is like learning a complicated game ... there are always more twists and turns about you ... you'll always be thrusted into situations that are considerably different and so far left of the " norm, " ... but what you must keep in mind is that to be gay ... is to create your own self-concept of who you are as an individual ... an individual within a community of others seeking to do the same.

    It is good to ask these questions at any age, but especially warming to have such ' ponderances ' sought after at a younger age. There are always going to be us lost, young, and scared ones ... each coming into homosexuality in our own way ... but the older and/or more mature men of RJ are here and they - inevitably - help such a cohort in identifying themselves as gay men, thus helping us transition into the next stage(s) of our lives (the concept in psychology is termed: generativity by - I believe - Erickson).

    Good luck to you, fellow gay community member.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 13, 2009 1:36 AM GMT
    There is an inherent fallacy in the title of this thread - it implies that there is only one way to live your life if you're gay.

    The best gay life to lead is the life that you want to lead. The worst gay life to lead is one in which you become a lemming clone of every other gay man on the street in a sad and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to fit in.

    People - gay and straight - who live their lives as authentic individuals are always the happiest.
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Sep 13, 2009 4:20 AM GMT
    Once again, welcome to RJ.
    Trust me I know your position. All my friends are straight, the only difference is I am out to them. The unfortunate part about that is they think every gay guy they meet would be perfect for me. They quickly realized that this was far from true.

    Anyways, where to meet guys.
    1. I know this is a huge leap but if you come out.. they will find you.
    Going to parties with straight friends you'd be surprised how many "straight" guys will take interest in a guy thats comfortable with his sexuality.
    2. Don't go hunting for dates. If you meet a guy don't hit on him, treat him like you would any other friend and if you get the vibe than it happens, if not, you have someone else you can hang out with.
    For instance I met my first bf at the gym. We exchanged numbers, hung out as friends a couple times, we weren't even out to each other (he wasn't out to anyone) and eventually things progressed. My point is you don't have to flat out hit on someone. Just talk to them like you would anyonw and see if you get a vibe.
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    Sep 13, 2009 4:22 AM GMT
    i've been out for the last 5 years and im still clueless.