Is there a way to come to terms with being permanently single?

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    Sep 12, 2009 6:06 AM GMT
    From a romantic standpoint, I'm willing to accept that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. The prospect of it doesn't bother me. That being said, I was wondering if there is a way to "get over" the feelings that come with it. I don't feel lonely, per se, but is there a way to transcend the feeling, and/or the crippling notion, that one must be with a significant other to have a healthy, fulfilled emotional and sexual life? How do you completely tune out and sever your consciousness from the pull of intimacy if it's so reinforced by everything around you? Does it get easier with age?
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 12, 2009 6:25 AM GMT
    For me, it has not gotten easier. After numerous failed relationships, I have just decided to accept it. I can't live up to what guys expect of me. I'm not the entertainment committee. I am independent, but I really thrive on affection and taking care of someone I love. I will always miss that. But, there's nothing that can be done about it. I enjoy many things in my life. I love the quiet of living alone. I really should get a dog.
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Sep 12, 2009 6:26 AM GMT
    Why do you believe that you will be alone for the the remainder of your life? I believe there is someone out there for everyone, you probably just have not found that individual yet. Maybe the time is not right, are you sure there aren't some things you need to work on before pursing a ltr relationship with someone.
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    Sep 12, 2009 6:28 AM GMT
    Why do you think you'll be alone for the rest of your life? you're only 23 though??
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    Sep 12, 2009 6:36 AM GMT
    NyRuinz saidWhy do you believe that you will be alone for the the remainder of your life? I believe there is someone out there for everyone, you probably just have not found that individual yet. Maybe the time is not right, are you sure there aren't some things you need to work on before pursing a ltr relationship with someone.


    I never said I didn't believe someone was "out there." But I think it's highly unlikely that I will find him, or that he will find me. So, I'd prefer not to be idealistic about it.

    If you can, please answer the question. I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't want or need relationship advice. I've heard it all before.
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    Sep 12, 2009 6:40 AM GMT
    Webster666 saidFor me, it has not gotten easier. After numerous failed relationships, I have just decided to accept it. I can't live up to what guys expect of me. I'm not the entertainment committee. I am independent, but I really thrive on affection and taking care of someone I love. I will always miss that. But, there's nothing that can be done about it. I enjoy many things in my life. I love the quiet of living alone. I really should get a dog.


    I have a dog. It helps.

    I'm just working on not paying attention to anyone, especially anyone I might find attractive. I correct it when it happens, so I don't feel anything and won't be emotionally disturbed. It's working, but I have my moments, sometimes.
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    Sep 12, 2009 6:41 AM GMT
    lenoxx saidWhy do you think you'll be alone for the rest of your life? you're only 23 though??


    I have my reasons.
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    Sep 12, 2009 7:29 AM GMT
    jprichva said
    Addicted2me saidI'm just working on not paying attention to anyone, especially anyone I might find attractive. I correct it when it happens, so I don't feel anything and won't be emotionally disturbed. It's working, but I have my moments, sometimes.

    This sounds like a recipe for sociopathy.


    What's "sociopathy" for you is maintenance for me. It's all relative.

    I didn't start the thread to be judged. I just wanted some perspectives from others here who feel the same way.
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    Sep 12, 2009 7:40 AM GMT
    jprichva saidIt's not a judgement, it's a description.
    When you advertise the fact that you feel no emotions towards people, that is precisely the definition of the affective state of a sociopath.

    I suspect it's not really true, though, because you are asking for input. But then, you don't particularly like the input you're getting.


    I desire input that is pertinent to the topic and specific to the question(s) at hand.

    And, you can call my "advertisement" whatever you want, then. I really don't care. I'll just have basis for ignoring your comments henceforth, since there is evidently nothing to gain from them.
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    Sep 12, 2009 7:54 AM GMT
    jprichva saidIt's not a judgement, it's a description.
    When you advertise the fact that you feel no emotions towards people, that is precisely the definition of the affective state of a sociopath.


    There's actually truth to this, and in fact Addicted2me when I read your first post this was the first thing I thought. Of course people who don't feel emotions are NOT all sociopaths, and you claiming to feel emotions could just be a defense mechanism to cover up your deep down feelings of hurt and rejection. But Jprichva has a point (albeit not exactly accurate, tactful, or on-topic) that lack of emotions is one of the main characters of becoming and being a sociopath.
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    Sep 12, 2009 8:00 AM GMT
    jprichva saidBlock me if you like, I really don't give a shit. I don't know you, and from your secretive, stiff, and rather pompous posting, I am pretty sure I don't want to.

    But I'll leave you with this. You need professional help, and I don't say that to hurt your tender little feelings. You seem like a very disturbed young man.

    I'm done with you.


    I didn't expect everyone to understand. It is clearly better and more convenient for you to cast judgment and call someone names than to actually keep your negative opinions to yourself.

    I rejected your "sociopathy" claim because it is inaccurate, and that makes me stiff, secretive, and pompous. Fine. Maybe you're the one who needs professional counseling on how to treat people properly.

    Welcome to ignore.
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    Sep 12, 2009 8:04 AM GMT
    Addicted2me saidFrom a romantic standpoint, I'm willing to accept that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. The prospect of it doesn't bother me. That being said, I was wondering if there is a way to "get over" the feelings that come with it. I don't feel lonely, per se, but is there a way to transcend the feeling, and/or the crippling notion, that one must be with a significant other to have a healthy, fulfilled emotional and sexual life? How do you completely tune out and sever your consciousness from the pull of intimacy if it's so reinforced by everything around you? Does it get easier with age?


    Intimacy is one of the 9 basic needs in order to maintain a healthy life.
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    Sep 12, 2009 8:56 AM GMT
    Addicted2me said
    lenoxx saidWhy do you think you'll be alone for the rest of your life? you're only 23 though??


    I have my reasons.



    What are they?

  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Sep 12, 2009 9:38 AM GMT
    Addicted2me said
    NyRuinz saidWhy do you believe that you will be alone for the the remainder of your life? I believe there is someone out there for everyone, you probably just have not found that individual yet. Maybe the time is not right, are you sure there aren't some things you need to work on before pursing a ltr relationship with someone.


    I never said I didn't believe someone was "out there." But I think it's highly unlikely that I will find him, or that he will find me. So, I'd prefer not to be idealistic about it.

    If you can, please answer the question. I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't want or need relationship advice. I've heard it all before.


    Now I see why your alone, cause your an ass plain and simple, icon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 12, 2009 9:46 AM GMT
    Addicted2me saidFrom a romantic standpoint, I'm willing to accept that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. The prospect of it doesn't bother me. That being said, I was wondering if there is a way to "get over" the feelings that come with it. I don't feel lonely, per se, but is there a way to transcend the feeling, and/or the crippling notion, that one must be with a significant other to have a healthy, fulfilled emotional and sexual life? How do you completely tune out and sever your consciousness from the pull of intimacy if it's so reinforced by everything around you? Does it get easier with age?


    I think you should consider seeing a therapist to work out these feelings your having. It sounds like your in a dark place, could be depression. Human beings are social creatures, we are not meant to be alone. I wish you the best.
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    Sep 12, 2009 12:11 PM GMT
    Addicted2me said I didn't expect everyone to understand. It is clearly better and more convenient for you to cast judgment and call someone names than to actually keep your negative opinions to yourself.

    I rejected your "sociopathy" claim because it is inaccurate, and that makes me stiff, secretive, and pompous. Fine. Maybe you're the one who needs professional counseling on how to treat people properly.

    Could it be that Addicted2me is merely the latest reincarnation of Metafor, whose grimly combative posts got him banned about 6 months ago? The attitude and writing style seem the same.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 12, 2009 2:50 PM GMT
    Webster666 said I really should get a dog.




    Well definitely consider a beagle.....icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 12, 2009 2:51 PM GMT
    Well Addicted2me,

    23 is a pretty early age to decide how the rest of your life is going to be. If you feel a need for intimacy, then so be it. Some part of you is trying to tell you something.

    If you felt no need for any human closeness, we doubt you'd be here, where guys are reaching out and connecting with each other all the time.

    You seem to be looking for a technique to turn parts of yourself to the off position. If you manage, what will happen when someone comes along that is just the right fit for you? This is not like a light switch that you can just turn on and off at whim.

    Metafor a.k.a. Concealed? Hmmm....benefit of the doubt for now.
    As for idealism, you'd need to define what you mean by that, because many go through life and make attachments and have successful LTRs without idealism as a requirement to get there. In fact, a realistic approach to self and others is probably more likely to work. Do please tell us what idealism is to you.


    And this: "I'm just working on not paying attention to anyone, especially anyone I might find attractive. I correct it when it happens, so I don't feel anything and won't be emotionally disturbed. It's working, but I have my moments, sometimes."

    .....immediately brings to mind something we posted on another topic yesterday. That old saying 'be careful what you wish for' is one worth considering.

    I AM A ROCK





    A winters day
    In a deep and dark december;
    I am alone,
    Gazing from my window to the streets below
    On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.
    Ive built walls,
    A fortress deep and mighty,
    That none may penetrate.
    I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
    Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.

    Dont talk of love,
    But Ive heard the words before;
    Its sleeping in my memory.
    I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
    If I never loved I never would have cried.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.

    I have my books
    And my poetry to protect me;
    I am shielded in my armor,
    Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
    I touch no one and no one touches me.
    I am a rock,
    I am an island.

    And a rock feels no pain;
    And an island never cries.
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    Sep 12, 2009 2:58 PM GMT
    My perspective has always been the following:

    1. If you're under 30, even 40, you're still really young, give it time.

    2. You only have to find ONE person. That may take five, ten, fifteen years - but once you find that person you're set.

    3. If you give up, you probably will fail.

    4. Keeping faith, continuing to look isn't a lot of work if you take the right perspective. Be social, get to know new people outside of the necessary context of dating and along the way you'll have fun and at the very least make a lot of new friends.
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    Sep 12, 2009 3:00 PM GMT


    Those are some good points afkaway; Bill and I never met til he was 32 and I 34.


    -Doug
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 12, 2009 3:02 PM GMT
    I was involved with someone that has NPD. NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it is on the same level as psychopath and sociopath but not nearly as dangerous. You can have tendencies for NPD without being totally diagnosed as having this personality trait. Displaying your REAL emotions is something an NPD would try to avoid because they have a lot of anger and have little regard for other people or their opinions unless that person is of a higher authority such as their parents.

    To try and sever yourself from any feelings towards others is not only unhealthy but dangerous for others around you. I have tried throughout my life to control my emotions(although I allowed myself to have them) and just not showing my emotions caused me to have migraines almost every day for years. No advice here will help you as much as going to therapy. However, if you have NPD you will have no use for therapy because you will not believe or accept anything the therapist will say to you. NPD's thrive on pity and attention(whether positive or negative) so maybe a therapist would at least give an NPD person that.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 12, 2009 3:05 PM GMT
    afkaway saidMy perspective has always been the following:

    1. If you're under 30, even 40, you're still really young, give it time.

    2. You only have to find ONE person. That may take five, ten, fifteen years - but once you find that person you're set.

    3. If you give up, you probably will fail.

    4. Keeping faith, continuing to look isn't a lot of work if you take the right perspective. Be social, get to know new people outside of the necessary context of dating and along the way you'll have fun and at the very least make a lot of new friends.



    I always consider myself one-half of a good relationship. If you look at it that way your halfway there.
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    Sep 12, 2009 3:06 PM GMT
    "is there a way to transcend the feeling, and/or the crippling notion, that one must be with a significant other to have a healthy, fulfilled emotional and sexual life?"

    One way would be to practice not asking that question of yourself or others. Where you get this crippling notion from is a mystery, you left that part out of your post. Do you watch too much TV or too many movies? There's loads of single people out there, all quite happy, emotionally and sexually. The idea that there's someone for everyone is ridiculous. The other ridiculous idea is that love is magic. The magic comes in tolerating those things in your spouse or partner that drive you crazy and that's about all it takes. The only thing that works over and over and over again in a relationship is forgiveness.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Sep 12, 2009 3:09 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidI was involved with someone that has NPD. NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it is on the same level as psychopath and sociopath but not nearly as dangerous. You can have tendencies for NPD without being totally diagnosed as having this personality trait. Displaying your REAL emotions is something an NPD would try to avoid because they have a lot of anger and have little regard for other people or their opinions unless that person is of a higher authority such as their parents.

    To try and sever yourself from any feelings towards others is not only unhealthy but dangerous for others around you. I have tried throughout my life to control my emotions(although I allowed myself to have them) and just not showing my emotions caused me to have migraines almost every day for years. No advice here will help you as much as going to therapy. However, if you have NPD you will have no use for therapy because you will not believe or accept anything the therapist will say to you. NPD's thrive on pity and attention(whether positive or negative) so maybe a therapist would at least give an NPD person that.
    I think I met someone like that at a party the other night.
    I'd met her before, she seemed really nice, a bit of a 'Chatty Kathy' but harmless.
    During the course of the party, I noticed she would dominate a conversation, with all focus on her.
    I even noticed one of her 'tricks'. When the conversation began to shift away from her, she would jump in and try and name drop people she knew she hadn't met.
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    Sep 12, 2009 3:24 PM GMT
    OP - If you walk around with such a self-defeating attitude, everyone within a 5 mile radius will know it. Self-defeating attitudes are turnoffs. People who are turned off by your attitude will be turned off by you.

    So, the moral of the story is - if you want a different outcome, change your attitude. If you are arrogant enough to think that, at 23, you know exactly what the rest of your life holds in store for you, then you'll probably work pretty darn hard to prove yourself right.