How do I write someone off?

  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Sep 12, 2009 4:48 PM GMT
    How do I write someone off.

    Back story:
    I was in a relationship 8 years ago with a general nut bag. He was very bi-polar and failed to let me know he was heavily medicated. I didnt know, because I was young, kinda fresh out of the closet and didnt know. He attempted suicide and Yah. I broke up with him. It was one of those "I need attention" attempts not a "I cant live with myself anymore" attempts.

    So because of that relationship I put up some pretty big walls made of cattiness, assholeishness and being an unpaid prostitute.

    I met someone July 3rd. He climbed over the wall. Was very cute, complimentary and attentive for like 2 weeks, then he had a text from his ex and suddenly I dont exist anymore.

    His reasoning is that he is still getting over him (which is fine). I told him to have a fling and whatever.

    I just want to write him off and not deal with him, think about him or anything anymore. I fucking hate it. I hate it that I let myself be vulnerable to someone and I feel like I have had the wind knocked out of my sails (confidence wise).

    Help?

    Im 30 in 2 weeks. Havent had any kind of relationship for the past 8 years and honestly am open to one.

    UGH!!

    icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2009 5:34 PM GMT
    When you hide behind walls you block out the good and the bad always seems to find its way in.

    Want advice? Don't take it so seriously. Get to know a person before you become smitten over them. Complimentary and attentive doesn't necessarily equal a person being themselves. Some people are natural caretakers, and others are naturally manipulative, flakey, or whatever. If you don't let anyone in, you're not going to figure out who's what.
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Sep 12, 2009 7:25 PM GMT
    Thanks boys.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 12, 2009 7:57 PM GMT
    Well to begin with, I think its important to have a pretty good idea of what you want out of a relationship and take steps to see you aren't hurt.... what that means is go slow, get to know the individual before you put yourself out on an "emotional limb". You are in control of your livelihood... establish boundries and parameters within yourself and follow your own "code of ethics".... meaning don't be pushed emotionally or otherwise into something you aren't ready for.... friendship first.... if its meant to be, it will....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2009 8:31 PM GMT
    Runninchlt saidWhen you hide behind walls you block out the good and the bad always seems to find its way in.

    Want advice? Don't take it so seriously. Get to know a person before you become smitten over them. Complimentary and attentive doesn't necessarily equal a person being themselves. Some people are natural caretakers, and others are naturally manipulative, flakey, or whatever. If you don't let anyone in, you're not going to figure out who's what.
    This is good advice. In my experience, people reveal their character fairly early in the "getting to know you" process. I've found for me it works better to get to know the person for a bit and I've learned -- after getting burned a few times by not listening to my inner wisdom -- to trust my instincts about people.

    Experience is a powerful teacher, but a swift kick in the balls is the general means of lesson delivery, unfortunately.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 13, 2009 4:39 PM GMT
    It seems you already answered your own question. You said "Haven't had any kind of relationship for the past 8 years and honestly am open to one."
    The best part of getting thru anything is being open to the possibilities of just that. A lot of times we shut dwn not wanting to get hurt or revisit past experiences. As long as your intentions are honest you've left yourself open. w/ that comes all types of characters but how boring life would be w/out them. Enjoy your journey and remember some passengers are not meant for the long haul. A rest stop is provided every few miles some need to be let out casually and some more abrupt " Get the fuck out" either way live and love the experience as you only get one life to live but many chances to be happy and that's a choice that must be made daily.

  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Sep 14, 2009 3:51 PM GMT
    I think I am a catch.

    I want to worship the ground someone walks on, but they have to deserve it. Mutual respect is big for me and so is a sense of humor. I'll leave out what Im attracted to physically.

    I have to laugh, laugh at someone and have them laugh at me and with me. UGH! HAH.

    My little rantings are amusing to me.

    Mom always said: "The best way to get ove a man is to get under a new one." Sound advice I think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 14, 2009 4:04 PM GMT
    Relationships are off things. Our society tells people to learn to walk and then to run in all things except love. You have to go from no relationship experience, to finding your one true love for ever and ever, blah, blah, barf.

    Why get into serious relationships at all at this stage? It sounds like you have only been involved with two guys, and one was just a two week courtship. Go out there and casually date. No commitments, no expectations. That sort of easy dating gives you the interpersonal skills to know how to select possible mates and how to navigate the complications relationships always come with.

    And, putting up walls is a great way to only find crazy people. Put yourself out there so people know who you are and what you value. How do you learn to do that? By casually dating at first. When you figure out what you really want and how you operate, move on to commitment and expectations.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 14, 2009 4:14 PM GMT
    Your Mom sounds like a character

    You commented humorously about yourself as having a period as an unpaid prostitute. It's fine to tom cat around and everyone does or has done that but If there's more than a little truth to your self assessment I'd suggest working on liking yourself and building some self esteem and respect for yourself. Sounds obvious but is really not easy.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Sep 14, 2009 4:22 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    JP85257 saidI hate it that I let myself be vulnerable to someone


    In war vulnerability is a flaw but in humanity it is an attribute.


    The above is true, but ... you're excusing yourself from the fact that you aren't building a strong foundation within your " walls " before letting someone climb over them. If you have a connection with someone, then communication is somehow being had. A strong connection, mind you, is not just physical. When you ' allowed ' for a fling ... for example ... you've also ' allowed ' a disconnect to be had between the two of you. In fact, you've ' allowed ' a potentially unhealthy component to your relations with boyfriend number 2.

    It has been said that one does not just attract guys who treat a person with disrespect ... there must be something in them that you are, in fact, attracted. hence:

    Boys Are Like Apples:

    Boys are like apples on trees.
    The best ones are at the top of the tree.
    The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid
    of falling and getting hurt.
    Instead they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground, that
    aren't as good, but easy.
    So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with
    them, when in reality, they are amazing.
    That is why we just have to be a little patient and wait for the right
    boy who will come someday
    the one who has the courage to reach the top
    So guys if you are alone...this [may mean] that u r on top
    Guys should take a chance to find the good, right apple
    ...

    I would not read this verbatim, but it does begin to help understand why so many settle - gay/straight/otherwise - for what is available, rather than waiting for what is potentially enriching. Since this is America, a relationship could be - sadly - likened to searching for a business partner (trust me, I'm flattened that I have to resort to using capitalist analogy) ... you have many who would apply, but only a few will have the skills that qualify, and - more importantly - only a hand full will have that extrasensory connection that allows for a tacit interaction. My point: building walls is necessary so as not to have yourself completely exposed to the social elements, however, it is just as necessary to lay the foundations for a home in your heart to share with another ... for once those walls have been surmounted.

    Good luck.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 14, 2009 4:31 PM GMT
    JP85257 saidHow do I write someone off.

    Back story:
    I was in a relationship 8 years ago with a general nut bag. He was very bi-polar and failed to let me know he was heavily medicated. I didnt know, because I was young, kinda fresh out of the closet and didnt know. He attempted suicide and Yah. I broke up with him. It was one of those "I need attention" attempts not a "I cant live with myself anymore" attempts.

    So because of that relationship I put up some pretty big walls made of cattiness, assholeishness and being an unpaid prostitute.

    I met someone July 3rd. He climbed over the wall. Was very cute, complimentary and attentive for like 2 weeks, then he had a text from his ex and suddenly I dont exist anymore.

    His reasoning is that he is still getting over him (which is fine). I told him to have a fling and whatever.

    I just want to write him off and not deal with him, think about him or anything anymore. I fucking hate it. I hate it that I let myself be vulnerable to someone and I feel like I have had the wind knocked out of my sails (confidence wise).

    Help?

    Im 30 in 2 weeks. Havent had any kind of relationship for the past 8 years and honestly am open to one.

    UGH!!

    icon_sad.gif


    Would you eat poison from the cupboard? Of course not! You need to understand that the nut case is poison to you. Get rid of him now. Do it quickly, and move on. How do you do it? You just do it, and move forward. No drama. Get it done. That's how you do it.

    There are 7 BILLION folks in the world. Find someone without all the baggage. You're MUCH BETTER without him; don't need any more grief than you've had already.

    Cut your losses, NOW.

    Keep
    It
    Simple
    Silly
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 14, 2009 8:32 PM GMT
    " I hate it that I let myself be vulnerable to someone"
    __________________________________________
    But, that's what you'll always have to do (to a certain extent) if you want to hook up and/or date guys.

    Don't let one or two failures keep you from putting yourself out there. Most guys are single and looking. Some of them are looking for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 14, 2009 8:48 PM GMT
    JP85257 said I want to worship the ground someone walks on, but they have to deserve it.

    But there isn't anyone who deserves it. Mutual respect, yes, admiration, hopefully yes, attraction, definitely yes, caring, yes, but worship?
    Without a realistic awareness of your bf's inevitable human faults you'll never develop a healthy loving relationship.
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Sep 14, 2009 8:50 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    JP85257 said I want to worship the ground someone walks on, but they have to deserve it.

    But there isn't anyone who deserves it. Mutual respect, yes, admiration, hopefully yes, attraction, definitely yes, caring, yes, but worship?
    Without a realistic awareness of your bf's inevitable human faults you'll never develop a healthy loving relationship.
    Its kind of a tongue in cheek statement.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 14, 2009 8:53 PM GMT
    This explains why love scares the shit out of you. icon_wink.gif
    Don't run from the vulnerability and uncertainty, you don't work through it by hiding. And don't write him off.

    Writing guys off is what we do when we are scared and hurt. His decision doesn't have to slam the door of possibility shut but it can close it a little tighter than it was.

    I think I agree with you Mom, but I don't think you need to necessarily "get over him". But maybe you need to get over the expectations you were clinging to that have left you so hurt, he's not the person you thought or wanted to believe he was.

    Your vulnerability and ability to share yourself with someone is beautiful. That you're brave enough to face being hurt means you're a man of character. It's quite probable that this guy you feel for isn't worth it... but don't treat him poorly because you are hurt.

    Treat him in a manner that exemplifies your strong, exquisite nature, your degree of self respect and your notable content of character...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 14, 2009 8:54 PM GMT
    ok ok, how do you write someone off - delete his phone number, facebook, myspace....etc. Whatever stuff/things that remind you of him. Go out on dates more.... know what you want in a mate, date, go slow, have an open mind, watch out for the jerks. The best way to get over someone is to be involved with someone else whom can show you how to love and be loved all over again. icon_biggrin.gif
  • twentyfourhou...

    Posts: 243

    Sep 14, 2009 9:13 PM GMT
    I would say, let it go. Stop trying and move one with other activities. Find things to fill your life with. Give to others, help those who need it (charity, or get involved with community service). Romance will find you. AND, by all means - do not settle, keep your guard up but your heart open to the possibility. DO not rush into anything. Make yourself be single for a period of time. Get comfortable with being yourself and self sufficient. You do not need someone else to justify who you are. DO not worry about getting use to being alone - if you are like most men (me) - that will never happen.