bf doesnt want to go out for "economic" reasons

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    Sep 13, 2009 4:08 AM GMT
    I have been facing this issue a few times, my bf doesnt want to go out cause he says he has not enough money. I always tell him that I can pay for both, thats never a problem. Well, he doesnt like the idea and he says he'll be totally depressed cause the whole situation would make him feel uncomfortable. HOWEVER when he has enough money he doesnt think twice to pay for my expenses even when I dont ask for it....

    I want to go out and I got the money for it, I would never go by myself and so I want him to come with me and have fun together. He doesnt feel like it cause he's got no money....... and I understand to a certain degree, but who understands me? I spend the whole week working, gym, eat and go to bed, I seriously dont feel like staying home all weekend so now Im the one who's getting depressed.

    how should I handle this?
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    Sep 13, 2009 4:30 AM GMT
    "going out"....is it to the clubs or a normal environment like a museum or a flea market or fair? As if this going out has to do with the club scene then i would agree with your boyfriend. The drink tab alone now in any club is ridiculous. But if you guys want to go out do some research online for activities that you dont find boring and go with him. take the whole Saturday and do something you have never done before.
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    Sep 13, 2009 4:35 AM GMT
    charlitos saidI have been facing this issue a few times, my bf doesnt want to go out cause he says he has not enough money. I always tell him that I can pay for both, thats never a problem. Well. he doesnt like the idea and he says he'll be totally depressed cause the whole situation would make him feel uncomfortable. HOWEVER when he has enough money he doesnt think twice to pay for my expenses even when I dont ask for it....

    I want to go out and I got the money for it, I would never go by myself and so I want him to come with me and have fun together. He doesnt feel like it cause he's got no money....... and I understand to a certain degree, but who understands me? I spend the whole week working, gym, eat and go to bed, I seriously dont feel like staying home all weekend so now Im the one who's getting depressed.

    how should I handle this?


    Perhaps, find something to do together that doesn't cost much money--like go on a hike, swimmng at a beach or pool, or get in a game of sand volleyball with a bunch of guys.
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    Sep 13, 2009 4:45 AM GMT
    charlitos said
    ...
    HOWEVER when he has enough money he doesnt think twice to pay for my expenses even when I dont ask for it....
    ...
    how should I handle this?

    You solved your own problem. Just tell him this.
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    Sep 13, 2009 1:41 PM GMT
    Well, Little Buddy, lots of folks are reared with the belief that they shouldn't mooch, and that being frugal is a prudent thing as well.

    Do something that isn't as wasteful as going out; that you can do together; without him feeling like a mooch.

    Having a good time isn't about wasting money in clubs. There's lots of other stuff you can do.

    Take the money you would have wasted and spend it on food, or save for a new vehicle, or pay off a bill early. Little Buddy, those are good habits to learn NOW.

    Your friend is a bit ahead of you on wasteful spending. You would be wise to follow his lead.

    Show your friend there's more to you than being skinny. Show him you're responsible, and understand his desire to be independent. It's perfectly fine to show some maturity and understand that being frugal is often prudent.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 13, 2009 2:03 PM GMT
    Charlitos,

    A couple of things to keep in mind. I applaud your bf for conserving money (to a point). You need to develop a little sensivity to economic issues. My suggestion is that you have a sit down conversation... listen to him, ask him questions to draw out how he feels and work it out together.
    I understand his desire to conserve money and not take from you.... what he needs to consider is, its share and share alike.

    Ask him if he'd feel different if you went to a zoo together or a museum.
    Money issues can be killers in a relationship. In mine, I tend to be much more of a a "saver" than my bf (who's a spender). We have compromised..... LOL (well sort of). Take the time and do the same.
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    Sep 13, 2009 3:00 PM GMT
    I take away a slightly different impression that Hndsm & Chucky on this one. It sounds like the issue could be more about control rather than disposable income ... though it's hard to know without a little more information.

    After all, Charlitos might have more money available for fun than anyone else in this thread! icon_cool.gif

    Xrich made a really good point - to it I would just had a simple question for the BF ... "Why do you choose to pay for my expenses on occasion?"

    I think the answer might open you guys up to a good discussion.
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    Sep 13, 2009 3:07 PM GMT
    I get where your bf is coming frm. I too use to have that prob when I was w/ my gf of 8 yrs. Anytime the bill came and she had to pay *ie* my birthday and she took me out I would still pay the bill. I would get completely uncomfortable and somewhat embarrassed. My own stupidity that someone would think I was a deadbeat bf. Try to talk to him about it again.
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    Sep 13, 2009 3:21 PM GMT

    Hey Charlitos, we'll repost here what we said in another topic.

    Please pass this on to the BF with our best regards!


    Quote from 'Now, Voyager' ....


    "Don't you know to take is sometimes a way to give. The most beautiful way in the world if two people love each other"


    -your meninlove
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    Sep 13, 2009 3:23 PM GMT
    I was in a similar relationship, only I was the poor one, relatively speaking. I was still recovering financially from my late partner's protracted death the year before, when he lacked medical coverage. My BF was a millionaire who liked to live large, but neither of us would let him pay for it all, always trying to split 50-50. It's just that what we split would be ruinously expensive for me, like black-tie receptions, art openings & balls, and week-end trips with nice hotels and fine restaurants.

    What he would sometimes let me do, though, was kind of "deferred payment." He'd cover the whole cost if I couldn't at that moment, then I'd catch up later when I could. Maybe another time I'd pay the whole cost of something else of comparable worth we did, or just give him the cash.

    But being "indebted" to your BF can put a strain on a relationship, and it's not an ideal situation. All I can suggest is that you be flexible & understanding, and give him options, some of which are low cost and have been mentioned above.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 13, 2009 3:24 PM GMT
    Wow, I have been in the same boat Charlitos. I am the one that can only afford a date once a week. When I start dating a guy and they want to go out all the time and want to pay for it I start getting very nervous. I usually tell them "I can't afford to go out tonight but on my next paycheck I would love to do something with you". Then they come back again and say they don't mind paying, etc. I usually get pissed and embarrassed because I have to explain over and over again I can't afford it.

    I know for me it has a lot to do with the approach of the other guy regarding the subject. Instead of putting your guy on the spot and say "let's go out" and have him get embarrassed again because he has no money ask "It's been a long day for both of us, I would like to take you out to a nice restaurant, you deserve some fun". The way you are approaching it now sounds like you are far more interested in your needs than in his dire situation. Who would want to feel like someone bought just so you can have company while your eating dinner? I think he understands you too well.

    I never turned down a BF if he had a fun night or surprise weekend PLANNED for us. At that point your paying for everything is actually a romantic gesture when you put some thought into it. ;-)

    Hey, you could even try "hey honey, go get dressed, I have some plans for you" and just keep the whole thing a surprise.....no talk about money and it won't remind him about his situation.
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    Sep 13, 2009 3:28 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidWow, I have been in the same boat Charlitos. I am the one that can only afford a date once a week. When I start dating a guy and they want to go out all the time and want to pay for it I start getting very nervous. I usually tell them "I can't afford to go out tonight but on my next paycheck I would love to do something with you". Then they come back again and say they don't mind paying, etc. I usually get pissed and embarrassed because I have to explain over and over again I can't afford it.

    I know for me it has a lot to do with the approach of the other guy regarding the subject. Instead of putting your guy on the spot and say "let's go out" and have him get embarrassed again because he has no money ask "It's been a long day for both of us, I would like to take you out to a nice restaurant, you deserve some fun". The way you are approaching it now sounds like you are far more interested in your needs than in his dire situation. Who would want to feel like someone bought just so you can have company while your eating dinner? I think he understands you too well.

    I never turned down a BF if he had a fun night or surprise weekend PLANNED for us. At that point your paying for everything is actually a romantic gesture when you put some thought into it. ;-)

    Hey, you could even try "hey honey, go get dressed, I have some plans for you" and just keep the whole thing a surprise.....no talk about money and it won't remind him about his situation.
    Clearly, I need to come to Cleveland and take you off the market. icon_lol.gif
  • Celticmusl

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    Sep 13, 2009 3:34 PM GMT
    Thanks Momentum Play! How is the job market in NC? lol
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Sep 13, 2009 3:37 PM GMT
    I agree with what others have said --- find that middle ground where you can still go out and do stuff together, while at the same time it won't make your BF feel uncomfortable. By the same token, he has picked up the tab for both of you in the past, so he needs to stop being silly and agree to let you do it too on occasion. That is, after all, what boyfriends do for one another. I also agree with what others have said that perhaps going out clubbing is not the best venue to make your boyfriend feel comfortable while you're paying. Find something else to do that gets you to that middle ground and satisfies both of you.
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    Sep 13, 2009 3:38 PM GMT

    Hey Red Vespa, "But being "indebted" to your BF can put a strain on a relationship, and it's not an ideal situation."

    Yes it can in certain situations, but doesn't have to be that way. What's more of a problem is when one wants to give and the other refuses to take.

    Bill has always made more than I. At times we both made the same wage. I was downsized in '02, and have never found another well paid job like my 23 year career. So now I'm lucky to pull in 20K a year to Bill's 75.

    You should see the glow Bill gets being provider, and the impressed happy he shows when I take his $$$ and stretch it like silly putty. When he's been on strike in past years, the shoe was on the other foot and we got to switch happy positions.

    Fortunes are made and lost and made. We feel it's very good to very flexible in matters of give and take.


    kindly -us
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    Sep 13, 2009 3:39 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidThanks Momentum Play! How is the job market in NC? lol
    Not so hot, unfortunately - it's better in the cities, though. Come on down - I'll hook you up. haha
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    Sep 13, 2009 3:45 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidHey, you could even try "hey honey, go get dressed, I have some plans for you" and just keep the whole thing a surprise.....no talk about money and it won't remind him about his situation.

    A great suggestion, and exactly what we did do a few times. On a couple of his business trips, we made sure the hotel room cost didn't increase with my being there, nor the bill even reflect the second adult. He was going anyway, as a legitimate business expense, so my staying cost neither of us anything additional.

    And these were car trips, where again my being in the car changed nothing from a cost standpoint. Only my meals were an expense to me, since he wouldn't disguise his food outlays, nor pretend I was an official client or other business expense, an attitude of which I approved.

    And writing this made me remember that years earlier I had done the same thing myself, during official car trips when I was on a university staff. I'd make sure my hotel bill didn't reflect my BF being there, at no additional expense to the university, though neither did I hide his presence from the hotel itself, which would be a different kind of theft.

    So yeah, lots of creative solutions are possible here.
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    Sep 13, 2009 4:12 PM GMT
    meninlove said Hey Red Vespa, "But being "indebted" to your BF can put a strain on a relationship, and it's not an ideal situation."

    Yes it can in certain situations, but doesn't have to be that way. What's more of a problem is when one wants to give and the other refuses to take...

    Agreed, of course. But I would say that partners are a different category from BFs in most cases, although those terms can be a bit ill-defined, one blurring into the other. You guys are fortunate to be free from that ambiguity, being legally married in Canada, which makes many of us happily jealous. icon_biggrin.gif

    For myself I've always treated "partner" the same as being married. The only common spousal thing I don't do is co-mingle funds, for legal reasons, since I've always lived in US states where that can cause more legal grief in some instances than advantages for gays. Rather, we have the proper legal instruments drawn that gives the other the access & control he needs, but only in case of emergency.

    And with both my late and current partners, our incomes have been roughly equal. Not at every given moment, but overall in the long run and nothing of concern, considering it all "community property" we share equally. Hell, if straight couples can do that, traditionally with only 1 spouse earning any significant money, I don't see why gay couples can't do the same, if we really want to have their kind of marriage.

    I would remind gay couples that it's not all about the money, it's about the contribution. If one contributes income, and one contributes domestic services in running a lovely home, for example (which can be worth big bucks if you had to pay someone else to do it), or in some other way, then that can be an equal relationship. But it does take a sophisticated couple to pull that off, with the "breadwinner" often being the one who starts feeling resentment with the arrangement.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 13, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
    HOWEVER when he has enough money he doesnt think twice to pay for my
    - expenses - even when I dont ask for it....
    icon_eek.gif
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 13, 2009 9:11 PM GMT
    That's a tough one.

    I was in a relationship where my partner made 4 times as much money as I did. I could have worked overtime and made enough money to pay my share of expenses for going out, traveling, etc. But, he didn't want me to work overtime. He wanted me to be at home more often.

    He decided to pay my way when there were extra expenses. But, he always had this look of contempt or disgust on his face, whenever he paid for things. I saw that he quickly came to resent it.

    In another relationship, my boy friend and I had exactly the same incomes and expenses, yet I was the giver and loved treating him. And, he loved being treated, to the point that he would never open his wallet. In that relationship, I came to resent it. We should have talked about it and resolved the problem. Instead, I broke up with the one great love of my life.

    Have you explained to your boy friend how important it is to you to have him join you, going out and having fun. If you phrase it in that way, so that he would be doing something that would make you happy, perhaps he would be more comfortable with it.

  • silverfox

    Posts: 3178

    Sep 13, 2009 9:25 PM GMT
    charlitos said HOWEVER when he has enough money he doesnt think twice to pay for my expenses even when I dont ask for it....



    Well one thing Charlitos, just because you allow him to pay your expenses doesn't mean that your bf shares the same sentiment.

    Different things make different people feel insecure, depressed.

    Talk with your bf.
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    Sep 14, 2009 2:29 PM GMT
    Well, finally we ended up going clubbing last night(btw none of us drinks alcohol). The thing is that he thought that one of my friends was gonna go with me and he doesnt have any problems with that but my friend didnt answer so I was like whatever I wont go. Then I felt kinda sad cause I was already "dressed" to go out(shorts and a hoodie). I told him k babe i guess I will have to go alone(sad face included)...he dressed really fast and finally came with me lol.

    I pay off all my bills and everything I have to pay for and I can perfectly afford to go have some fun(dance) whats so wrong about that?

    I really liked the advice from Celticmusl, it would be totally different to handle the situation through that angle, for sure my bf would be more receptive. Thanks a lot man and thanks to all of you guys, I really appreciate it.
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    Sep 14, 2009 5:02 PM GMT
    I'll also mention something I do with my present partner, exactly as I did with my late partner. He likes to pay our bill at restaurants and bars, I secretly suspect because he enjoys the prestige it gives him. And at one gay place he earns "loyalty points" that can be redeemed for food & drink, making it more efficient if only one of us is accumulating them, not split between the two of us if I were to sometimes take the bill. So we have him earn them all.

    But I've gotten feedback about rumors that he "supports" me, that I'm leeching off him as my sugar daddy. What they don't know is that I've often transferred money online from my account into his, because our automatic deposits hit the bank at different times (we have the same bank, so it's instantaneous when I do it, sometimes on my WiFi PDA right in the bar). And I don't care what they think about who pays the bill.

    (Gays love rumors, and the best, or worst one I heard about myself, that got all the way back to Minnesota, was that I'm dying of AIDS, the reason I moved to Florida! In fact I don't even have HIV, but I do volunteer at an AIDS non-profit agency, and sometimes wear one of their T-shirts. I believe some visitors from Minnesota here saw me wearing it in a gay bar, and not knowing the connection, carried back the story. Gays!)

    The "accounting" method my partner & I use is very simple: we each have the same amount of money deposited into our individual household accounts each month from our separate incomes, and at the end of each deposit cycle, our accounts are both roughly empty, meaning we both have spent the same amount. I usually write the big checks for household expenses, while he does little things while we're out, as I mentioned above. We never "balance the books" between us, which I would consider petty.