I need to be HONEST with everyone...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2009 5:45 AM GMT
    NOTE: This thread is over two years old.

    I have a story I must tell... for myself and for others. For myself, to confront the truth of my own situation and state of mind; and for others, to learn from my experience.

    I have been, put simply, emotionally betrayed. For the past several days i was grieving the loss of someone i fell for, who suddenly died. This person i came across here on RJ, and for four months we had chatted off and on. It ended abruptly, and i was left deeply hurt and in a state of depression.

    what i have come to realize now, thanks to a dear friend of mine on RJ, is that I have been manipulated. this person whom i fell for, Trey, was in fact, fake.

    So, i need to explain my story for others to understand, both how i got here, and how they too, could be in my place.

    I first started talking to Trey back in May. We hit it off very well, he was extremely attractive, very smart, and the sweetest person i could imagine. He was also deeply troubled, had much emotional damage and scars. I admit, i was drawn to him not in spite of this, but also because of this, as I found him interesting and i attempted to reach out to him. when i was dealing with some personal issues, his emotional needs and mood swings began to take a toll on me. his profile was not verified, nor had i seen him on camera. i told him to get verified, and asked him to get on camera. whenever this would come up, there would always be an excuse, elaborate and intertwined, as to why the camera would not work. a computer was "always" in need of repair.

    when i questioned whether or not he was who he portrayed himself to be, he would twist it around, saying that he should just never talk to me again, that he wasnt "good enough" for me, and would leave me feeling guilty for even asking. so, i put it aside. then, i became fed up with the guilt trips, and lost contact for around two months. then, back in the beginning of August, i started contacting him again, and we started chatting, and again, we connected instantly. he seemed to be everything i had wanted in a person, and the emotional damage he had was a way of keeping me close, involved in his life. when, two weeks ago, i came back to Vancouver (from Montreal), i was dealing with a dying uncle. i was talking to Trey throughout this whole thing. at the same time, i had continually been pestering to see him on camera, but... his camera "didnt work", so he took his computer in and was waiting for it to be fixed.

    then suddenly, i was growing impatient, and though we were talking about meeting, i was not going to give an invite until i saw him on camera. suddenly, he had to fly back to California, (from New York), to be with his family, as one of his brothers got in a car accident. so while i was dealing with my own family situation, i had to also deal with Trey's. one day i was talking to him, and he seemed exceptionally depressed, at which point he told me that he hadnt eaten in two days, after having talked to his mother who told him that he was "worthless" and "stupid", and then said he had fallen and hit his head and was bleeding. i tried to convince him to call one of his four older brothers to get them to help him, which he said he did, then i tried to keep him talking (this was over a messenger service, which he was apparently using over his iphone). when his brother showed up, he messaged me, saying he had to talk to me, i gave him my email address.

    then i got emails from his brother, who was a doctor, saying how Trey was in the hospital, but doing better, with a mild concussion. then i started talking to Trey again. he said he now had to extend his stay in Cali, before returning to NY, where his computer was now waiting for him. then, two weeks ago, my uncle died, and i became very sad and emotionally vulnerable. i had to write a speech for my uncle's funeral, and was very nervous to do so, and i was talking to trey throughout this whole thing. the day after my uncle's funeral, i messaged trey, and he was suddenly very depressed again, after having spoken to his mother, and was talking of killing himself. i tried to talk him out of this, for the thought of having to bare two deaths of people i was emotionally attached to was too much. i tried to convince him to talk to his brothers about his issues with his mother, which he was finally convinced to do so. then we continued chatting after that, and things were going very well. i however, continued to ask when he was going back to NY, when i would see him on camera. there was nothing but promises of "soon."

    last week, on tuesday, my first day at school, i got a message late at night, around 1 am from Trey, just saying, "Night." So i go to yahoo messenger, where i see his status saying, "dont bother messaging me." i message "?", he responds, "what do you want?", i say, "umm, something wrong?", Trey: "night."
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    Sep 14, 2009 5:47 AM GMT
    at this point, after having been through much emotional craziness in the previous weeks, i had no patience for more, and stated, "listen, if you're mad at me, i didnt do anything wrong, so dont flip at me for NOTHING." he responded, "fuck off, dipshit," and signed off. i get an email from his "brother" the "doctor" the next day, saying that their dad had gone into Trey's room to find him OD'd on Tylenol 3's, and that he was taken to the hospital where he was in a not so stable state. also, i was told that there was a blunt force trauma on his head, which they could not explain. at this point, i was ready to move on, feeling that this was too much for me to take. in the evening, i got an email from his brother stating that Trey flatlined and died. i was instantly left feeling ... numb and confused. i then became extremely sad, and felt like i had been the cause of him taking his own life. then, i got an email from Trey's "best friend", from the city where he used to live, who said, "oh, you must be the guy trey liked to much." we had a few emails back and forth. the next day, i got another email from Trey's "brother", saying that the autopsy revealed that Trey had been beaten in the head with a blunt instrument, and had probably taken the T3s to numb the pain, and died from a blood clot in the brain. he also said that he and his other brothers bought Trey a plane ticket as a gift to come see me from September 11-13, and he died on September 9.

    for three days, i was incapable of functioning. i was depressed, couldnt go to school, got my family involved, told my sister, my mother, and my closest friends and relatives i lost a friend. i felt like i was emotionally damaged, and that i felt as if i really fell for this person. indeed, i must admit, my feelings were real, for i never honestly felt pain like that. i even made a thread expressing my feelings, and people contacted me, and said such amazing things to me, and this thread is partly for those people. i want them to know that my feelings were real, so that does not discount theirs. i was the one manipulated, and i NEED those people who reached out to me to know that. i was treated dishonestly, and so now i must treat those who reached out to me with nothing but honesty.

    it was Saturday, September 12, at night, thanks to a dear friend, that i came to realize the truth. i was told there was someone else on this site who had gone through a strikingly similar experience, dealing with a person whose life seemed to be a Shakespearean tragedy. a web of lies so intricately woven, i felt as if the person would have to be so disturbed to truly be lying about it all. i talked with this other person who went through a similar experience, and our stories were shockingly similar. i checked the university websites of the schools he went to for any trace of this Trey, there was none. i never found any obituary. the effort that would be required to do this, is astounding. there was an entire fake history, that i believed, a disturbed and sad past. this would require this person to have several fake email accounts, all created for this individual, not to mention the "brother", as well as the profile of his "best friend." who also is unverified. there were once three of these boys in the same city, who all would post on each others profiles of how fun they were to hang out with, and were "friends," one of whose profile is now gone, the other remains.

    when i came to the realization that i have been totally manipulated and lied to, a wave of emotions overcame me... at first, disbelief, i wanted to go into denial, but, been there, done that... so then i went to anger, i was pissed off that this happened, that this person would do this... how sick this person must be.. in truth, this person seems likely to be just a very sad individual, so lonely and so... lost... that he would create a whole persona, not just one... but several. how anytime you questioned if he was real, he would spin it around, and have you feeling guilty. how there was always a "Reason" he couldnt be on camera. i feel deceived and betrayed, and stupid and foolish and naive and more than anything... embarrassed. today, i had to explain to my family that the person i was mourning was, in fact, not real.

    i want to pass this along to others as a lesson for them to learn from. be careful, because some people... are emotional vampires... they feed of off the emotions of others, and will do anything to bring out emotions. they work best off of the vulnerable, and i was in a particularly vulnerable state, having lost an uncle a week prior. i hope i can get something out of this. i have always had trouble with opening up to people and in particular, with accepting and understanding and being open with my own emotions. i always kept my guard up, and kept people at an emotional distance. but i let my guard down for Trey, and i have been left... numb. but i will use this experience to my benefit. i was meant to go through this, so that i can learn from it. i hope it will not have the effect of not allowing me to trust other people or to take a risk in matters of the heart, but simply... i hope i can learn WHO to trust... and HOW to take a risk, WHEN to take a risk, and WHAT to look out for, and WHY i need to be careful.

    the question that bugs me the most, is why me? why was i chosen by this person? why did i have to go through this? why did i fall for it? why would this person do this to me? why would this person do this at all?

    thank you for letting me vent. this is just my way of... accepting the way things are, and letting go, and moving on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2009 6:21 AM GMT
    WOW. Well, MeOhMy, this reinforces my total disinterest in meeting people from the internet and forming strong emotional bonds over the internet without meeting them in reality. He probably chose you because he's attracted to you and you're too nice. If you were a total dick (like me) then it would not have lasted long. Not to say that acting like a dick on the internet is always a good thing, but ...well, maybe sometimes it is.

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    Sep 14, 2009 6:23 AM GMT
    I didn't want to say that when you started the other thread. It just came off as fake, but I knew that I would been crucified if I had said that he was a fake.

    Man, take it as a lesson. Be careful who you allow to get close to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2009 6:35 AM GMT
    Yeah. Lesson learned.

    My main issue now is just making sure that I don't take this to a bad place, where it makes me a bitter, distrustful person.

    I just have to learn to be careful with WHO i trust.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2009 6:38 AM GMT
    MeOhMy said
    I just have to learn to be careful with WHO i trust.


    Trust people you meet in reality first.
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    Sep 14, 2009 6:42 AM GMT
    JakeBenson saidWOW. Well, MeOhMy, this reinforces my total disinterest in meeting people from the internet and forming strong emotional bonds over the internet without meeting them in reality. He probably chose you because he's attracted to you and you're too nice. If you were a total dick (like me) then it would not have lasted long. Not to say that acting like a dick on the internet is always a good thing, but ...well, maybe sometimes it is.



    I get what your saying Jake. Its hard to know when its ok to become emotionally vulnerable like that to someone. Im sure MeOh has learned this, so I'm not going to get into details. This story hits on them all.

    MeOh- Thank you for sharing. I can only hope that as you get through this, you are not embittered by it. You are a great guy. Honest, cute, wonderfully witty and sweet. Don't let some asshole take that away from you, nor you from us. Keep your head up. We are here for ya. And smile! You got a killer one. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2009 6:45 AM GMT
    That was just soo rude of someone to do! I'm sorry that something like this has happened to you MeOhMy.icon_sad.gif



    Yeah, Don't let anyone too close to you from now on that's on there internet. There are alot of weirdos and sick ass people out there.
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    Sep 14, 2009 6:48 AM GMT
    lenoxx said

    Yeah, Don't let anyone too close to you from now on that's on there internet. There are alot of weirdos and sick ass people out there.


    duly noted.

    but there are psychos everywhere. it's just about recognizing them. in life, online, everywhere.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 14, 2009 6:48 AM GMT
    " i feel deceived and betrayed, and stupid and foolish and naive and more than anything... embarrassed."
    _____________________________________________
    Several years ago, I was on another site where a guy had a profile with a picture, and he posted regularly, and he seemed like the nicest guy in the world. Then, the stupid ass (pretending to be his own brother) posted that the member had been rushed to the hospital, with appendicitis and died. The entire web site was very upset at the sudden "death" of this beloved member.

    Then, another member who was suspicious, tried to find an obituary or any other proof that the guy had actually died, but could find none. Then, the "dead" member finally confessed that he had faked his own death.

    I was extremely angry that he had done such a mean and stupid thing to so many people who genuinely liked him and cared about him.
    ___________________________________________________
    To the OP,
    There's no need to feel stupid or foolish. All you did was to be nice to a guy. There are idiots and ass holes out there who love to play games and don't give a damn about how much they hurt decent caring people like you.

    You learned a valuable lesson. The lesson isn't to not trust people. But, now that you know all the signs of a faker and a liar, you can be more careful and not let someone else play the same cruel game with you.
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    Sep 14, 2009 6:49 AM GMT
    MeOhMy said
    lenoxx said

    Yeah, Don't let anyone too close to you from now on that's on there internet. There are alot of weirdos and sick ass people out there.


    duly noted.

    but there are psychos everywhere. it's just about recognizing them. in life, online, everywhere.

    Excellent perspective *Thumbs up*
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    Sep 14, 2009 6:50 AM GMT
    lenoxx saidThat was just soo rude of someone to do! I'm sorry that something like this has happened to you MeOhMy.icon_sad.gif



    Yeah, Don't let anyone too close to you from now on that's on there internet. There are alot of weirdos and sick ass people out there.


    The internet allows people to do and say things that they would never do in person. Look at KyleJones and Football88. I did that shit when I was 22 for pure fun. I loved riling people up, and pretend fighting with myself. People can have fun on the internet, and carry out their secret fantasies of being whoever and do whatever because of the anonymity. Did you not hear about the person on facebook that got a lady to send her lifesavings to somebody? Or the dickheads that sent their money to Michigan thinking they were going to get a free car in return?
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    Sep 14, 2009 6:53 AM GMT
    WOW!! very interesting story!! my only advice to you is to be strong, and just be glad it is all over and in your past! MeOhMy just as abrupt this experience felt for you, you must also learn to realize the only way you get over this unpleasant situation is to abruptly forget about it! I know it is easier said then done, but believe me there is no other more effective way than to just turn the page on this chapter of your life, so that you may start a new one!


    God Bless!

    ♥ Leandro ♥
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    Sep 14, 2009 7:34 AM GMT
    You're not the only one this has happened too! I use to be really gullible a few years ago online when I use to talk in gay chat rooms. You live you learn. If they don't have a webcam, don't even bother giving them your time. I won't even meet local guys in my city, unless I see them on webcam first, and we "click" on some level.



  • stevendust

    Posts: 398

    Sep 14, 2009 7:46 AM GMT
    HUGE hugs mom. I'm one to open up to many, but only to a certain extent, I think Jake has a huge point, please meet people. I don't even care if you've seen me on my webcam, I'm still not the person you see. I really respect you as a person on this site, and I hope you do realize that. I'm not surprised I didn't know that this went on, I feel you and I coexist without necessarily having to keep up with each other. I know you won't be knocked off your feet but for a few seconds from this, you're a tough son of a bitch, and I know that's deeper than just a simple mask you may put on for others.
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    Sep 14, 2009 7:56 AM GMT
    stevendust said I think Jake has a huge point, please meet people.


    And for that reason I trust stevendust because I've met him and therefore I know he exists.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 14, 2009 7:56 AM GMT
    Andrew,
    Very sorry to hear you have had such a horrible time with this online experience. As I was reading this, I kept thinking about those instances
    where people (thinking of that young teenage girl who committed suicide based on a "fake" boyfriend online) manipulate others.

    While I realize you don't fit that young girl's criteria, it sounds like you are the victim of someone who gets off on hurting others. Maybe he resented you based on who you are.... regardless, I'm so very sorry
    something like that happened to you when you had other, real concerns in your life with your family.

    I had something similar, but nothing to compare. I hope this doesn't make you jaded to future online friendships, I'm sure there are other, very real and genuine guys who'd enjoy getting to know and appreciate you.
    Use it as a learning experience and do your utmost (through verification)
    that you aren' t hurt again. Thanks for sharing your story!

    icon_cry.gif
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    Sep 14, 2009 8:04 AM GMT
    you live and learn, this is another example why most people hate internet dating - try to meet people in person, take them at their face value, try not to be jaded about meeting people online in the future. Hope you feel better now. icon_cool.gif
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    Sep 14, 2009 8:24 AM GMT
    thanks everyone.

    i DO feel better now. I feel relieved, although... frustrated, embarrassed, betrayed, angry... but all of which is better than how i previously felt these past few days.

    anger will pass, and already is. i am more angry with myself than with this person who did this to me. but that, too, will pass.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2009 8:34 AM GMT
    I generally think that finding love/romance on the internet is a pretty sketchy idea. Even if the guy is "real", you really don't know how real he is. He might be just painting a pretty picture of himself on his profile and on his online chats with you. But when you actually meet in person for the first time, he might be a total nutcase. But whatever.

    MeOhMy, I hope this experience doesn't make you bitter or angry. There are still some honest guys out there. Just be cautious about investing your emotions with a guy you're not sure of. If a guy is telling you a backstory that sounds like a soap opera, you should be extremely suspicious.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Sep 14, 2009 8:36 AM GMT

    This is a song that was - in such a timely manner - passed on to me by a friend. It concerns love and loss and trying to understand how we fit inside the ever-teaching monolith that is the Earth:

    The Russian Futurists - Hurtin' 4 Certain:
    the lyrics are as follows, however, it is important to note that this is not a song of disdain ... there is a great blind hope that is precariously planted on the edge of each line:



    Lyrics:

    I'm hurtin', vultures are circlin', it never gets better, it never gets better
    If things worsen I'll close this curtain, but never say never, say never, say never
    I've got a million things to tell you, I can't think of the words 'cause they all fell through
    And boy did you say a mouthful, and our happy ending is still real doubtful
    I'm not pining or being dramatic, or longing for things stored up in the attic but
    I'm hurtin', vultures are circlin', it never gets better, it never gets better
    If things worsen I'll close this curtain, but never say never, say never, say never
    Instability's killin' me with its tight grip; it's a day that won't end, an endless nightshift
    The way bourbon disturbs the words I'm wording, it's a drink it's a sip, it's the iceberg's tip
    Where do the years go? 'Cause I'm fearful
    We can't get all of them back, the leaves just fall and they crack
    Where does the time go? How should I know?
    And then the leaves turn to brown, another year turns around
    I'm hurtin', vultures are circlin', it never gets better, it never gets better
    If things worsen I'll close this curtain, but never say never, say never, say never
    Is there some sound that you hear before it all disappears?
    Does some siren go off before everything is lost?
    Is there a ringing of bells before it all goes to hell?
    We need emergency tests for things submerged in our chests
    You said your heart's on the mend and all of your starts turn to ends
    And things go up in a puff of smoke, enough is enough
    You're hurtin', vultures are circlin', it never gets better, it never gets better
    If things worsen we'll close this curtain, but never say never, say never, say never
    The plot thickens, clocks are tock-tickin' and each time that we meet my heartbeat quickens
    I can't wait until summer's September, past the ash and the coals down to the embers
    Where do the years go? 'Cause I'm fearful
    We can't get all of them back, the leaves just fall and they crack
    Where does the time go? How should I know?
    And then the leaves turn to brown, another year turns around
    I'm hurtin', vultures are circlin', it never gets better, it never gets better
    If things worsen I'll close this curtain, but never say never, say never, say never


    ... just goes to show that this is all a part of the human experience, you.
  • rockleetpt

    Posts: 76

    Sep 14, 2009 9:04 AM GMT
    I don't think the lesson is to be distrustfull of people "specially" on the internet. That's an easy and unfair solution towards all the people who try to be as open as possible.

    The lesson here is to respect your own intuition, to treat distrustful people with distrust, to get the hints that they have something to hide and gain the courage to approach said individual with honest concerns regarding suspicion.

    Liars are everywhere, more easily on the Internet but more so in Real Life, learning your lessons to better manage your trust is a fundamental step for healthy living.

    Don't fall into the trap of polar, black and white thinking, (trust everyone or no one). Accept there are emotional vampires out there who go to great lenghts to decieve and suck you dry but there's also people who do their best to remain open. Yes everyone has secrets but excusing and avoiding issues are big red flags!

    Best of luck on the future. This thread has reminded me how I have to verify this account myself icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2009 10:33 AM GMT
    I just want to commend you for being so open and honest about the situation and about your feelings. It takes a lot of courage to share your story, so that others can learn from it.
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    Sep 14, 2009 1:04 PM GMT
    Although not emotionally involved, I came across a guy like this as well. He did somewhat the same thing except he told me he was going through a rough patch because he had lost his family in a crash. Thing is a friend of his I also met told me it was a whole lot of BS. Al he wanted was sympathy so he could sleep with me - that's what made my spider senses go crazy!

    I don't understand why people like this get their high on messing with people. Thankfully I am not the type to attach to these people at all. When he found out the truth he then threatened to kill me.

    I don't know, I think these people have a deeper problem than being con artists and I think it is a serious mental problem that really needs looking into.

    Thanks for sharing, and just remember to always ALWAYS be on your guard.

    Anthony
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    Sep 14, 2009 1:28 PM GMT
    Well MeOhMy, this Trey fellow did something wicked, and you being you, something good came of it.
    What do I mean by that, eh? heheh On your grieving topic, you showed Bill and I the heart of MeOhMy, a big, warm and great thing. We got a glimpse into who you are and how you love. No small potatoes, that, and pretty magnificent.

    If this trey person is reading all of these posts he's likely gritting his teeth (may they crack).



    Ironic, isn't it?

    big hugs -Doug