POSITIVE VS NEGATIVE

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2009 6:36 AM GMT
    I am well aware when things get tough in our lives it is human nature to react in a negative sort of way, as it is often expressed when we become bitter, hopeless, and angry with everything or everyone around us when things don't go our way!

    I had been in economical or emotional hard times where I've lost all hopes for a better life, but now that I am older and wiser rather then letting hardships control my chances for a brighter tomorrow, I have learned that during times like these my only way out is to be, create, or surround myself with more positive things, even if I have to force myself to do it!!! as it happens having this kind of attitude seems to work for me every time I need to get out of a depressive state of mind!!

    My boyfriend have had a tough life, and if that wasn't enough he'd been unemployed since January. According to him my presence in his life have helped overcome his past abusive relationship and in having closure with his strict and uncaring parents. He is also seeing a psychologist to help him cope with his depression about not been able to find work! but to be honest I've noticed he is becoming increasing more depressed since the psychological help! he tells me he does not have suicidal thoughts but he seems to talk an awful lot about death??

    I have been extremely patient and very supportive of him, but living with someone who is so negative and hopeless is taking a toll on my otherwise cheerful, caring, and positive persona!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 14, 2009 6:57 AM GMT
    There's a saying that goes something like:
    "I will do whatever I can to pull you up, but I refuse to let you drag me down."
    Think about it.
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    Sep 14, 2009 12:11 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidThere's a saying that goes something like:
    "I will do whatever I can to pull you up, but I refuse to let you drag me down."
    Think about it.



    And that is how I sometimes feel; dragged down to a point of becoming just as negative as my BF!! I am not denying that it is not always easy to get out of a depressive state of mind, but when I get into that mode I am very much aware that such mind set can attract, like a magnet, all sorts of other negativities as well! thank you so much for your comments!!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Sep 14, 2009 12:59 PM GMT
    You said it - "....that such a mindset can attract, like a magnet" all sorts of other negativities as well." You are right.

    I was dating a guy in NYC that was dealing with the same issues as your bf...no work, seeing a therapist, feeling depressed, etc. He wanted to be my bf and I felt a bit guilty that I didn't want that in his current state.

    I've remained a great friend over the past year and have talked to him once or twice a day offering whatever I could as support. I didn't want to abandon him, as I know you don't want to abandon your bf in his time of need. You're in a tough place because of that.

    Your bf will get better when he finds a job and things start turning around. In the meantime, take time to take care of yourself and make sure you have friends that lift you up.
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    Sep 14, 2009 8:24 PM GMT
    Wow... that's a really tough situation.
    I think it would be a good idea for you to identify where your limits are. I think it's really important in these types of situations to know how much you can handle and deal with before the situation becomes irreparably damaging for you.

    Depression is very personal, the person experiencing it is the only one who can work through it. His depression and work situation are linked but alleviating one issue doesn't mean the other will dissipate as well.

    I'm not advocating leaving him, but you sound like a wonderfully supportive boyfriend and a very kind compassionate human, but not everything is going to be about you... and sometimes there might not be anything you can do. Don't give till you are in a deficiency and have nothing left. Know your limits... or at least be aware that you have them.

    I don't have a clear cut answer, because I don't know your relationship.
    But I do know that the factors you should be thinking about are:
    - How much are you willing & capable of taking on
    - When does support turn into enabling and is this something your bf might need to work through on his own (with your support from a safe emotional distance)

    Two broken people make a big mess, not a whole person.
    Be good to you and good luck.
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    Sep 14, 2009 10:28 PM GMT
    It's really difficult because so many gay men fit this profile - and when you put two gay men with these issues together in a relationship, often times they are both looking to each other for the answers. What I've experienced is that we end up grabbing on to each other to stay afloat and instead drown together.

    I met someone who had been adopted from Colombia at age 7 after witnessing his birth parents executed in front of him. Despite being adopted by a very wealthy couple who (should have) knew about child trauma, he never received counseling for what he saw. By the time I met him, those symptoms turned into a range of symptoms - depression, rage, maybe even reactive attachment disorder; eventually I came to realize that he was never going to be able to attach to another person again because his trust and attachment issues that never developed during that age made it impossible to move into adult relationships. This was in September 1996 that we had the fight where I told him he needed to see a counselor because this was going to kill him. He never went. Instead he left without saying anything and I pretty much never saw or heard from him again, and he did the same thing to his adoptive family. He now lives on the streets, from what I've heard from his sister.

    In those 13 years I was so angry, depressed, miserable, you name it. When we first met there was something about the way he looked at me that I knew this was love. I just knew it. We didn't have a physical relationship for months because I was so sure about him - I wanted this to be right, I wanted to wait, I wanted him to be this special guy that I could share my life with. A year later it was if he never was in my life to begin with. No pictures, nothing to remember him by; he took everything he owned - right down to the ratty old gym shoes - and left while I was in class. I'll never forget that day. For me, it was the beginning of my own depression and on the 10th anniversary of that in 2006 it really hit home that meeting another gay man was not only difficult but (after spending 22-32 with no matches, no intimacy, no nothing) I seriously began to regret ever coming out. This was a waste of life. The selection that I was left with was not at all what I had in mind, nor was it enough to choose from. And this is coming from someone who has lived and visited the largest gay cities in the U.S. I pretty much gave up trying to meet anyone after that, and figured that some things in life are fucked up. This was mine. Some couples can't conceive. Some people are in a horrible marriage that they can't get out of. Some people are never going to find anyone. Everyone has something. Remember that whatever you're going through you are not alone - it does seem that way. But you have to find something to hope for that is realistic and tangible to keep your life going and keep things in perspective.

    For me, that meant giving up trying to meet anyone. After 13 years, I figured that it was okay to talk to guys on here, but I was never going to find anyone in real life, and that's been pretty accurate. Especially now, since most gay guys live thousands of miles apart and in this economy, nobody has the money to just walk away from their job and move to a new city for someone they barely know and start over. It will be a long time before we see those days again. I had to remind myself of that a few times. Parenting is another thing - I no longer have the nest egg to adopt a child and realistically plan to be a single parent now. Another thing that, yes, it would be nice, but no longer can I see that in my future. I have to fill those voids with other things, short term wins that I can plan for and actually do, without being devastated about my 'life plans' never coming to reality. You make do with what you have. So many of us have been given everything and expected the very best no matter what the cost, and that is not the way our lives are now.
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    Sep 15, 2009 1:39 AM GMT
    We have to be tough, pray to GOD and stay diligent, yet persistent icon_exclaim.gificon_wink.gif
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    Sep 15, 2009 2:17 AM GMT
    Maybe you should try couples therapy.
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    Sep 15, 2009 5:46 AM GMT
    Ironman4U saidYou said it - "....that such a mindset can attract, like a magnet" all sorts of other negativities as well." You are right.

    I was dating a guy in NYC that was dealing with the same issues as your bf...no work, seeing a therapist, feeling depressed, etc. He wanted to be my bf and I felt a bit guilty that I didn't want that in his current state.

    I've remained a great friend over the past year and have talked to him once or twice a day offering whatever I could as support. I didn't want to abandon him, as I know you don't want to abandon your bf in his time of need. You're in a tough place because of that.

    Your bf will get better when he finds a job and things start turning around. In the meantime, take time to take care of yourself and make sure you have friends that lift you up.



    Thanks again for your encouraging words! God knows I have been very patient with him, mostly because I can understand his frustrations of not being able to find a job when he has a college degree, and the fact that he is also a motivated, responsible, and a well qualified individual in what he does!


    Unfortunately he seems to be very set in his ways, so its been very difficult for me to get him out of his depression, but as you said I do love him because aside from his stubbornness to listen and his lack of motivation deep inside he is a very sweet and gentle soul!! and in knowing how hard it is to find a good candidate as a LTR Bf material as he is, I am doing everything possible to make this work!!

    But lately I notice that his moods is rubbing off on me, and I really don't enjoy feeling that way, but I am patient, too patient if you ask me!! so I just wait and hope he will soon get a job; for now that is all I can do!!


    As far as friends I am blessed to have a very loving and supportive circle of a family and friends, who in turn keep me sane and in check whenever they notice a change in my moods, most especially my mother, who can tell what is going wrong by just looking at me or even if I try to avoid talking about it; so I in a way do get much needed comfort to get me through this!! thanks again for your kind words.


    ♥ Leandro ♥
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    Sep 15, 2009 6:02 AM GMT
    over_and_over saidWow... that's a really tough situation.
    I think it would be a good idea for you to identify where your limits are. I think it's really important in these types of situations to know how much you can handle and deal with before the situation becomes irreparably damaging for you.

    Depression is very personal, the person experiencing it is the only one who can work through it. His depression and work situation are linked but alleviating one issue doesn't mean the other will dissipate as well.

    I'm not advocating leaving him, but you sound like a wonderfully supportive boyfriend and a very kind compassionate human, but not everything is going to be about you... and sometimes there might not be anything you can do. Don't give till you are in a deficiency and have nothing left. Know your limits... or at least be aware that you have them.

    I don't have a clear cut answer, because I don't know your relationship.
    But I do know that the factors you should be thinking about are:
    - How much are you willing & capable of taking on
    - When does support turn into enabling and is this something your bf might need to work through on his own (with your support from a safe emotional distance)

    Two broken people make a big mess, not a whole person.


    Be good to you and good luck.



    That is so true! and that "whole person, I" is exactly what I am trying to protect from getting hurt. As much as I love my BF...I am very aware that I must also take good care of my own state of mind! I only hope he appreciates how much I care for him!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
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    Sep 15, 2009 6:12 AM GMT
    theantijock saidLosing hope during hard time? And yet hope is a function of hard times because during good times you really don't need hope.

    Some stick around for just the good times. Others stick around for the good and the bad times. One deserves great respect while the other is beyond hope.



    Wow! I like and did understand your analogy!! and as you so nicely put it, hope indeed is an important tool in times of needs or for the lack of it!! unfortunately my BF is so disillusioned with the prospects of getting a job, that at times, I am afraid, he seems to lack the drive to look for a job! thank you for your insight!!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
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    Sep 15, 2009 7:02 AM GMT
    DuluthMN saidIt's really difficult because so many gay men fit this profile - and when you put two gay men with these issues together in a relationship, often times they are both looking to each other for the answers. What I've experienced is that we end up grabbing on to each other to stay afloat and instead drown together.

    I met someone who had been adopted from Colombia at age 7 after witnessing his birth parents executed in front of him. Despite being adopted by a very wealthy couple who (should have) knew about child trauma, he never received counseling for what he saw. By the time I met him, those symptoms turned into a range of symptoms - depression, rage, maybe even reactive attachment disorder; eventually I came to realize that he was never going to be able to attach to another person again because his trust and attachment issues that never developed during that age made it impossible to move into adult relationships. This was in September 1996 that we had the fight where I told him he needed to see a counselor because this was going to kill him. He never went. Instead he left without saying anything and I pretty much never saw or heard from him again, and he did the same thing to his adoptive family. He now lives on the streets, from what I've heard from his sister.

    In those 13 years I was so angry, depressed, miserable, you name it. When we first met there was something about the way he looked at me that I knew this was love. I just knew it. We didn't have a physical relationship for months because I was so sure about him - I wanted this to be right, I wanted to wait, I wanted him to be this special guy that I could share my life with. A year later it was if he never was in my life to begin with. No pictures, nothing to remember him by; he took everything he owned - right down to the ratty old gym shoes - and left while I was in class. I'll never forget that day. For me, it was the beginning of my own depression and on the 10th anniversary of that in 2006 it really hit home that meeting another gay man was not only difficult but (after spending 22-32 with no matches, no intimacy, no nothing) I seriously began to regret ever coming out. This was a waste of life. The selection that I was left with was not at all what I had in mind, nor was it enough to choose from. And this is coming from someone who has lived and visited the largest gay cities in the U.S. I pretty much gave up trying to meet anyone after that, and figured that some things in life are fucked up. This was mine. Some couples can't conceive. Some people are in a horrible marriage that they can't get out of. Some people are never going to find anyone. Everyone has something. Remember that whatever you're going through you are not alone - it does seem that way. But you have to find something to hope for that is realistic and tangible to keep your life going and keep things in perspective.

    For me, that meant giving up trying to meet anyone. After 13 years, I figured that it was okay to talk to guys on here, but I was never going to find anyone in real life, and that's been pretty accurate. Especially now, since most gay guys live thousands of miles apart and in this economy, nobody has the money to just walk away from their job and move to a new city for someone they barely know and start over. It will be a long time before we see those days again. I had to remind myself of that a few times. Parenting is another thing - I no longer have the nest egg to adopt a child and realistically plan to be a single parent now. Another thing that, yes, it would be nice, but no longer can I see that in my future. I have to fill those voids with other things, short term wins that I can plan for and actually do, without being devastated about my 'life plans' never coming to reality. You make do with what you have. So many of us have been given everything and expected the very best no matter what the cost, and that is not the way our lives are now.



    Wow!!...I am deeply touched by you sharing this story of which I can definitely relate to!! I bet even thou things didn't turned out the way you would have wanted it, you did learned how important is to feel gratitude and be thankful for those who try to help us when we feel lost and vulnerable.


    For me I feel the need to help him because when I went through my own periods of depressions when I was much younger, I had a few people who persistently worked very hard to help me get out of it, and it worked!

    Just because one goes through a difficult time it doesn't make you a bad person, even thou our stubbornness, desperation, impatience, and ignorance is to blame, the real culprit in most cases is our lack of guidance or love from our love ones!


    I sometimes feel like peeling away the outer layers of my BF personality, such as are his impatience, unfaithfulness, and insecurities to deal with life's struggles, of which all are deep rooted from his negative surroundings growing up; but if I do allow those layers to rot I fear his "inner beauty" will eventually rot too, but since I greatly value his inner qualities I feel an obligation to make sure he does not waste away into nothingness!!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
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    Sep 15, 2009 7:12 AM GMT
    masculine31 saidWe have to be tough, pray to GOD and stay diligent, yet persistent icon_exclaim.gificon_wink.gif



    Thank you for the advice! I monitor his moods closely but at the same time I sometimes give him a good dose of reality so he doesn't loose touch of his feelings! jobs may come and go but your mind, heart, and soul will always remain with you in good and bad times!!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Sep 15, 2009 7:23 AM GMT

    Instead of the aforementioned ... I just like to laugh and think of little moments in the past or view my future as " un-happened " and then I begin to sort myself out mentally.
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    Sep 15, 2009 8:33 AM GMT
    Im sure I'll get slack for this but I'll take it. truely in hard times I've turned to my faith in God. As a family, we started watching Joel Osteen and actually went to one of his Nights of Hope and it really has changed out lives and Ive seen many things that once felt like a burned change. Its been a big motivator. Not sure if this could help but I just wanted to suggest it.
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    Sep 30, 2009 2:12 AM GMT
    AN UPDATE!!! icon_confused.gif


    After having gone to two doctors due to a persistent all over body itch with no known diagnosis to the symptoms that have been bothering me since August, so last Wednesday I went to a Hematologist, and today finally got some good news as to the cause of the itching; a severe skin allergic reaction due to tree pollen and ragweed! I am relieved to know it wasn't something more serious or life threatening, as I have been torturing myself for the worse!

    But now I am upset at my boyfriend who lives 10 minutes from my house, and who is also very aware of my problem and that I had an appointment with the Doctor today, but I have yet to received a call from him nor have he shown any emotional support on this personal ordeal since I have been put through this! I am disappointed and mad that he wasn't there for me at a time when I needed his emotional support and encouragement as I have shared with him in the past when he need it. I became very emotional as I sat in the office and realized been the only patient who was alone when the others were in the company of another for I could only perceive as emotional support!? needles to say I am very disappointed and pissed at my Bf lack of support and sensitivity, and that disturbs me a whole lot!!!


    I am one who believes that relationships should not be one sided! I am tired of been accommodating and emotionally supportive to someone who does not make an effort to give same in return!!!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 30, 2009 2:20 AM GMT
    masculine31 saidWe have to be tough, pray to GOD and stay diligent, yet persistent icon_exclaim.gificon_wink.gif


    I agree, pray to God to help him. Do your best to be supportive but don't be a complete enabler. Maybe he should be on Meds if not already.
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    Sep 30, 2009 2:24 AM GMT
    I've had depression all my life and only in the last eight years or so have I really had it managed extremely well.

    Does he excercise?
    Does he eat well?
    Does he sleep too much or too little?
    Is he getting any 'cognitive' therapy?
    If he's seeing a psychiatrist is he on medication?
    If so is it the right one?

    If he's waiting for all external things to be better to feel better he may be in for a disappointment. Depression can sometimes be just that. Depression. It needs to be taken seriously and treated in as many ways as possible.
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    Sep 30, 2009 2:39 AM GMT
    Celticmusl said
    masculine31 saidWe have to be tough, pray to GOD and stay diligent, yet persistent icon_exclaim.gificon_wink.gif


    I agree, pray to God to help him. Do your best to be supportive but don't be a complete enabler. Maybe he should be on Meds if not already.


    The problem to that wish is that it is his turn to be supportive if not at least sympathetic towards my emotional needs! I have being very supportive and to be perfectly honest without sounding to conceited, I am usually the most emotionally available of the two in the relationship. But the strong ones sometimes will fall and do have their weak moments, too!!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
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    Sep 30, 2009 2:47 AM GMT
    Exercise is the best thing for depression. Staying active. Being up and about. Sunshine and outdoors helps with depression.

    If he isnt working, have him volunteer somewhere that interests him...it will keep him busy, take his mind off of himself and make him look outward, give his day/week some structure, give him a boost with a sense of accomplishment with this volunteer work, get him out of the house....and who knows maybe he will meet someone who can help him get a job. If nothing else, they can become references for future applications.

    There is nothing worse for him than sitting around the house.
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    Sep 30, 2009 2:48 AM GMT
    GFORCE said:

    I've had depression all my life and only in the last eight years or so have I really had it managed extremely well.

    Does he excercise?
    yes with me whenever possible!?
    Does he eat well?
    yes...he is a great cook too!!
    Does he sleep too much or too little?
    he sleeps like a log.
    Is he getting any 'cognitive' therapy?
    yes
    If he's seeing a psychiatrist is he on medication?
    a psychologist, and no he is not on medication!!!
    If so is it the right one?
    yes...his psychologist is gay too!!


    If he's waiting for all external things to be better to feel better he may be in for a disappointment. Depression can sometimes be just that. Depression. It needs to be taken seriously and treated in as many ways as possible.


    ♥ Leandro ♥


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    Sep 30, 2009 2:58 AM GMT
    ALEZANDER, perhaps you need to tell your man that you've been demonstrating how you need to be treated, too. Plainly, he's been benefiting from the support you've offered and you should tell him it's best when reciprocal.

    Say, you can ask him to talk w/his psychologist about this. Lol, they say relationships are monkey-see monkey-do. There's something to that.
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    Sep 30, 2009 3:08 AM GMT
    ALEZANDAR saidGFORCE said:

    I've had depression all my life and only in the last eight years or so have I really had it managed extremely well.

    Does he excercise?
    yes with me whenever possible!?
    Does he eat well?
    yes...he is a great cook too!!
    Does he sleep too much or too little?
    he sleeps like a log.
    Is he getting any 'cognitive' therapy?
    yes
    If he's seeing a psychiatrist is he on medication?
    a psychologist, and no he is not on medication!!!
    If so is it the right one?
    yes...his psychologist is gay too!!


    If he's waiting for all external things to be better to feel better he may be in for a disappointment. Depression can sometimes be just that. Depression. It needs to be taken seriously and treated in as many ways as possible.


    ♥ Leandro ♥




    Thanks for answering all of my questions. Although it seems we're becoming a pill popping society, I have no issue with someone who needs to be on antidepressants be on them. I've watched lives be saved. It's one thing for someone to go through a hard time. It's another for someones behavior to concern you this much. Make sure he's getting what he needs.
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    Sep 30, 2009 3:10 AM GMT
    Caslon12000 saidExercise is the best thing for depression. Staying active. Being up and about. Sunshine and outdoors helps with depression.

    If he isnt working, have him volunteer somewhere that interests him...it will keep him busy, take his mind off of himself and make him look outward, give his day/week some structure, give him a boost with a sense of accomplishment with this volunteer work, get him out of the house....and who knows maybe he will meet someone who can help him get a job. If nothing else, they can become references for future applications.

    There is nothing worse for him than sitting around the house.



    He exercise enough!! and yes he is already volunteering with the Labor Board Dept, and even thou likes it he still misses working and getting paid for it. I also take him out on the weekends and we do things together. The problem is not so much his emotional state of mind but his unavailability or selfishness to not reciprocate. As I stated in the beginning just because he needs my emotional support it doesn't mean he should make an effort to share alike when I need same!!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
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    Sep 30, 2009 3:28 AM GMT
    meninlove said ALEZANDER, perhaps you need to tell your man that you've been demonstrating how you need to be treated, too. Plainly, he's been benefiting from the support you've offered and you should tell him it's best when reciprocal.

    Say, you can ask him to talk w/his psychologist about this. Lol, they say relationships are monkey-see monkey-do. There's something to that.



    Yes and that is exactly what I eventually want him to realize!! I love him..well lately is kind of like "I love him to love me too" kind of feeling!! I am trying to find words or reasons to let him know how I feel without making him feel more depressed then he already is!

    I know he is going through a tough time, but I feel if he is a little more conscientious of my needs and feelings in the long run that may help us be closer to build a stronger bond. I wish he wasn't so selfish or at least make me more aware of how much I mean to him!?


    ♥ Leandro ♥