gay siblings

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    Sep 16, 2009 8:13 PM GMT
    first off, this is more of vent session for me but i would also like to hear your (anyone who reads this) honest but polite opinion.

    I have a much younger sister (15 years old, ten years difference between us) who in the last few months has started telling me about how she thinks she's gay. i cant say i didnt expect it (she plays a lot of sports, more than i ever did) and i wouldn't be lying if i told u guys that i wish she wasn't gay. she and I are the closest even though its been 7 years since i moved out of the house and am now living in a different state. we talk, text, email, and see each other as much as we can. i tell her everything. and she does to me too. she is my best friend, and i love her with all i am.

    i feel so many crazy emotions about this situation. I feel worried for her, because i remember the hard things that i went through hiding the fact that i was gay until i came out. i also feel guilty, "did i have anything to do with it?" , "did she look up to me too much and that this might not be genuinely how she feels?"... and so on.

    sometimes i get put in the position where i have to mediate between her and my mom when she does things that my mom does not know of or approve of. i feel like i have to give her some slack just because i dont want her to not have anyone to talk to about what she is going thru (like i did when i went thru the same). but then, i also see a bigger rift between her and my mom because my mediating just makes the space between them wider. its gotten to the point where she uses me to lie to my mom to cover up some things she's not ready to talk to my mom about.

    one big difference between us is when i was her age, no one knew about my being gay at all and i never acted on till i was in college and in the military. she has started experimenting with relationships and dating which just brings more worries to me, that sometimes i feel i need to tell my mom.

    i just wanna know if any of u have gone thru this and what's the best way i can handle it? i thought her being gay would bring me closer than ever to her, but it doesn't seem like it. i have to also consider the fact that every teenager goes through a pseudo-rebellious phase but i think being gay and a teenager is just so much harder.

    how can i help her? how can i make things easier for her? and where should i stand in all of this? i'd be really appreciative of whatever feed back i can get. thanks. AJ
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    Sep 17, 2009 12:10 AM GMT
    my older brother is gay too. there has been conflict there at times because my family thought that he had influenced me somehow to be gay. we have also not always been on the same page as far as our homosexuality goes and accepting because i was married for a while. now that we are both out and in the same place, we are closer than ever. we call each other up and compare our experiences.
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    Sep 17, 2009 12:33 AM GMT
    I think you just need to let her be herself. The trend nowadays is that kids are younger and younger and getting comfortable with their sexuality. It is what it is and it needs to progress in the direction it will...
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    Sep 17, 2009 1:03 AM GMT
    you should take comfort in the fact that she has someone to look up to and help her through this difficult time. teenage years are rough, whether you're gay or straight. but the fact that you can be there as an ally to talk to should bring comfort to both you and her. i didn't personally have that until much more recently. at least she's not going through it alone and she has someone in her corner. just keep being her friend, be someone she trusts and can rely on, but don't let her lie and get between you and your mom. hope it all works out.
  • gsh1964

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    Sep 17, 2009 1:24 AM GMT
    calinative77 saidmy older brother is gay too. there has been conflict there at times because my family thought that he had influenced me somehow to be gay. we have also not always been on the same page as far as our homosexuality goes and accepting because i was married for a while. now that we are both out and in the same place, we are closer than ever. we call each other up and compare our experiences.


    Calinative, I am so jealous. I too had an old gay brother. He in no way influenced into being gay. I lost my brother to AIDS in 1996, I know that we would be closer and be able to talk about our experiences. He was deceased before I came out. Looking back, I think he always knew that I was gay, but he let me do it in my own time and in my own way. He never pulled me out of the closet.

    Sometimes I get mad at him for dying on me before I came out. I could of used he experiences and wisdom during my coming out process.

    You are so lucky to have him.

    To the guy who started this string, it's the same for your sister, she is SO lucky and blessed to have an older sibling in her life to help her with her process.
    Don't judge her, just love her and accept her feelings.

    My brother is now my gay guardian angel. That too, for me is a blessing.
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    Sep 17, 2009 5:21 AM GMT
    calinative77 saidmy older brother is gay too. there has been conflict there at times because my family thought that he had influenced me somehow to be gay. we have also not always been on the same page as far as our homosexuality goes and accepting because i was married for a while. now that we are both out and in the same place, we are closer than ever. we call each other up and compare our experiences.


    i immediately thought of u buddy. but with our busy schedules.. we never catch up during the week. lets catch up this weekend. i need a drink or three.
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    Sep 17, 2009 5:26 AM GMT
    recently we just had a fight when i told her that i dont approve of her relationships with her friends as it is driving her and my mom apart. they used to be so close. but now with my mom remarrying and all she's going thru, the usual "how was ur day?" convo seems to last no longer than 5 mins for them.

    i guess more than anything, i dont know how to be big brother to her since we always saw each other as bestfriends (girlfriends even icon_smile.gif ) but now i have to do the responsible thing sometimes and she's not used to it.

    i hate scolding her. its breaks my heart knowing she goes to sleep mad at me. but i need to be firm sometimes with my restrictions for her.

    what do i tell her about sex? without taking "the birds and the bees" talk away from my mom. girls are a foreign subject to me.. but lesbians... they're completely alien to me.
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    Sep 17, 2009 5:31 AM GMT
    So RU the daddy or what?

    Just be a friend and or a brother!

    Preaching will never work bro
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    Sep 17, 2009 5:33 AM GMT
    jprichva saidBut you need to talk to her about coming out. Apparently it's not such a big issue between your mom and you, so I'm guessing it won't be that big a deal for your sister either. Living openly and honestly is always best.

    Good luck to all three of you.


    actually, it was at one point right after i came out. my mom and i didnt speak for a whole month. my mom is not religious but brought us up in the church (catholic, went to catholic school all my life, although my mom was the first one to say that the new pope looks like the devil). but we got over it and mended our relationship. i think she would also probly handle having another gay child a lot better than she did with me when i came out 7 years ago. but heres to hoping.

    my sister has been using that argument: "well, u did it too?! why cant i?"

    its what we fought about the other day. im giving her space without leaving her alone. i say good morning to her and good night thru text. but i miss her during the day. i hope it gets better soon.
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    Sep 17, 2009 5:34 AM GMT
    Mystic_Man saidSo RU the daddy or what?

    Just be a friend and or a brother!

    Preaching will never work bro


    we have an absent father who found jesus when he got remarried. its complicated. but i hear ya. its just hard having to play both roles when i have to. thanks.
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    Sep 17, 2009 5:47 AM GMT
    gsh1964 said
    calinative77 saidmy older brother is gay too. there has been conflict there at times because my family thought that he had influenced me somehow to be gay. we have also not always been on the same page as far as our homosexuality goes and accepting because i was married for a while. now that we are both out and in the same place, we are closer than ever. we call each other up and compare our experiences.


    Calinative, I am so jealous. I too had an old gay brother. He in no way influenced into being gay. I lost my brother to AIDS in 1996, I know that we would be closer and be able to talk about our experiences. He was deceased before I came out. Looking back, I think he always knew that I was gay, but he let me do it in my own time and in my own way. He never pulled me out of the closet.

    Sometimes I get mad at him for dying on me before I came out. I could of used he experiences and wisdom during my coming out process.

    You are so lucky to have him.

    To the guy who started this string, it's the same for your sister, she is SO lucky and blessed to have an older sibling in her life to help her with her process.
    Don't judge her, just love her and accept her feelings.

    My brother is now my gay guardian angel. That too, for me is a blessing.


    i am sorry about ur brother and can only wish u the best memories of him which im sure u hold close to u. icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 17, 2009 6:01 AM GMT
    My twin sister is a lesbian. She is technically the "older" one. She lived that life too. I ended up living the life of the "younger" one. I got in trouble for making dumb decisions, she was always more goal oriented, and on track.

    The stark difference though is that I came out first, when we were 13. She came out when she was 23.

    I had a feeling she was when I moved to FL, and met her boyfriend. I looked at her, and simply asked, "Really?". He was gayer than Christmas. LOL. She kept his sexuality from me because it was as secret. I respected that, but I mean. I met him, he said hi, and Gucci fell out. icon_eek.gif

    She went to college, and eventaully moved out of state. She then called me when we were 21, and asked me for help. She told me she thought she was Bi, then progressed to lesbian eventually.

    I broke my heart, and hurt more than anything I could describe to know about the turmoil she went through (Im tearing up now thinking about it). She was terrified of telling my parents (Who had warmly accepted me, which is why it also baffled me.), because her biggest fear is that when they found out their other daughter was also gay, that they would disown her. I plead with her to come out for a while. I couldnt stand what it was doing to her. I then realized she had to go through it on her own. She new she had me waiting by the phone whenever she needed to talk. I accepted that's all I could do. And eventually she came out. And all was good in the world. lol.
    (My parents are amazing people, and Im so very lucky to have them.).

    As far as your sister using you for an excuse, she needs to cut it, and let her know your not going to lie anymore in that respect. Let her know it will cause more damage than anything else. She needs to take responsibility for herself and her actions. While not desirable, she has her entire life ahead of her. Hopefully she will understand that her actions are causing more damage than her coming out. And potentially longer term damage. It seems she need to appreciate the fact that she has someone to talk to. Many teens, even now-a-days down have that at all.

    Keep being her big (gay) brother. Advise her when she asks for it. I am happy she has you there for her.

    As far as you being responsible for her being gay, not a chance in hell. lol. Going by that logic, if anything, she would have been "influened" to be straight. Unless you introduced her to the vagg....and I dont see that happening.

    I wish you the best, and your sister as well. icon_smile.gif