truth & acceptance

  • _gingin

    Posts: 116

    Sep 20, 2009 5:19 PM GMT
    Today, I cried over the phone talking to my mother.

    Three weeks earlier, I had sent through email a http://www.godmademegay.com/Letter.htm to my father, requesting that he and my mother read it.

    ~

    I came out about 5 years ago (not by choice) to my parents and it was heartbreaking. My mother was a devout Christian and the idea that she had a homosexual son near shattered her world. She urged me to pray to God to overcome this lifestyle that I had chosen. She says she loved me, but hated my sins.

    I felt semi-human every time she said something to that effect; I was desperately seeking acceptance and the only way I saw acceptance through her was with her religion. I hadn’t been a ‘Christian’ for a long time now, and I refused to pray to him when it concerned other matter, however, with this, I begged Him. Day and night I begged Him to help me make sense of this whole disorder and madness. But no Voice of God. No Symbol, no Way. Nothing. Zilch. Just emptiness.

    It was a tumultuous relationship and we slowly drifted apart. I felt I couldn’t talk to her about homosexuality because we were both rooted in our ideas of what was correct. It felt like my mother and I were immobile cannons, blasting each other to smithereens, and it was horrible. I would end up storming off and the house would be quieter than a morgue party for days.

    Six months ago or so, a group of fundamental Christians staged a coup and took over reigns of a women’s rights group on the accusation that the leaders of this group had deviated from its purpose by promoting lesbianism. It blew out of proportion and became nationally infamous to such an extent that authorities had to interfere.

    Naturally, it became dinner conversation—one that augmented into a very heated argument about the issue of homosexuality itself. It was the same arguments, the same rebuttals. I was blinded by half tears and half rage and I decided to just walk out. I took a step...

    But something stopped me this time.

    For some reason, I knew that if I walked away, I would regret it. So I sat back down and there ensued a silence that was so audible it hurt; I knew I wanted to get a point across, but my mind was dead—I hadn’t the mental nor the vocal capacity. Then she asked just one question: Why didn’t you tell me about you earlier? I wanted so badly to know about you but every time we get a chance to talk, you’d walk away.

    I hugged her and proceeded to have the best conversation I ever had with her in my entire life up to that point. I told her all about me and where I was coming from and it was beautiful that we didn’t start judging each other, and instead, we listened.

    Shortly after, I moved to Australia to further my studies. However, it was far from over, there were still issues that bothered me: Where did I stand, as a homosexual, with God? And will my mother ever fully accept me?

    I had been following the much overworked RJ thread http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/642310/ about the existence of God. Not to make light of anyone who opined in that thread, but reading posts after posts, I felt the same feeling I felt when I was arguing with my mother: It was going nowhere, and instead, generating more questions, more confusion and no answers. Are we doomed to spend our lifetime searching in hopes to see God? You say Faith. I say blind faith. I have questions, and I want answers.

    Why do we even want to know why God exists? What if he does? Will we all suddenly start becoming saint-like for fear of getting thrown into the biblical hell? What, then, would be the point of living? What if he doesn’t exist? Would we all turn barbaric in an instant, acting on every impulse as animals would? Even less point in living, don’t you think?

    I thought perhaps we’re asking the wrong questions. I don’t claim to know anything about it, but I got to thinking of the ultimate purpose of religion. I strongly believe it exists as some sort of framework for people as a guide to a way of life, or some form of adherence to a greater truth, and indeed a whole mankind worth of religion cannot be utterly wrong—there HAD to be something about religion that was true, and right.

    But what is this truth? Why does it condemn and exclude? Why does the bible have a million pages…are we supposed to know and follow every single verse and if not, we have sinned? Why is it so fucking complicated?

    ~

    My mother called me and asked how I was doing. We proceeded to talk about the usual and then after a short silence in the conversation, she said that she’d read the letter. I was surprised, as I had expected her to take a cursory glance and forget about it.

    But there was something beautiful in her voice when she told me she took so long to read it because she wanted to make sure she had enou
  • _gingin

    Posts: 116

    Sep 20, 2009 5:21 PM GMT
    But there was something beautiful in her voice when she told me she took so long to read it because she wanted to make sure she had enough uninterrupted time to make sense of it because it was important to her. She said that she had gleaned from in many new different perspectives and was still in the process of reading it and she prays that God gives her the understanding and the wisdom to know the truth. She told me she now understands how I must’ve felt when she said the things she said back then, and I cried.

    I never expected my mother to understand. I broke down again when she said she loved me so much, now, then and will always. She said she so very much wanted to hug me and if I could hug myself and pretend it was her. I always had hope, but it had never actually been realized the way it had today—and it was an incredible feeling of catharsis.

    My mother dearly believes in God, and the only way I managed to meet her was in the middle, in a place of understanding, through love. I cannot begin to describe how beautiful the moment was. It was very simple and we both understood and felt it.

    Love transcend language and culture, it transcend gender and age. It does not discriminate and judge, neither does it select, nor condemn. love expands possibilities and makes the impossible possible. If there is one truth in this world, it is love.

    I believe religion is merely a framework to guide us in love—love in how you treat yourself and the people around you; in thought, speech and action; whether directly or indirectly.

    i'd like to quote my brother (kevjn, 2000) who quite succintly puts it in Three in a Thicket:

    Strip bare every man and his religious façade, and if you don’t find any hint of love for his fellows, you won’t find any hint of worthiness in his religion, including yours and mine.

    i hope that you can find some meaning in my experience.
    love.
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    Sep 20, 2009 5:51 PM GMT
    Strip bare every man and his religious façade, and if you don’t find any hint of love for his fellows, you won’t find any hint of worthiness in his religion, including yours and mine.

    Powerful quote. And yeah, it is this that should be how you gauge worth in someone. Not on how closely he follows the rituals of his faith. But how much of a person he is with or without religion.
  • bottomline

    Posts: 331

    Sep 20, 2009 6:27 PM GMT
    I am very happy to read your thread.... It was a nice read.. And i am glad you can now make amends with your mother. I cant and it has nothing to do with religion.

    And about the God/religion question. There is non. How is that complicated?
    Tnx for posting.
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    Sep 20, 2009 6:52 PM GMT
    Well young man, all I can say is your one hell of a good and decent person. What you wrote was a beautifully written discription of most everyones struggle to make sense of it all, and you surely have done a good work of doing so. My hats off to you !! I'm writing down your brothers quote and may put it over a doorways where I can frequently see it, especially when I am upset about something, it will help me place my actions and reactions in proper perspective. As for Gods existence and what he may have to do with the purpose of life, one life at a time, anything is possible including a God of some sort. Personally I have to doubt the existence of someone out there all be it a God, pulling the strings of life and societies on this planet. But when you look out in any direction and know that space goes on forever in any direction, who am I to say what exists out in the great beyond? I certainly am not so conceited as to think that we on this planet are the only inteligent beings in the endless universe out there. Therefore I choose not to make any absolute decisions about a God whether he is out there or not, but on this earth his supposed representatives have done a terrible job of representing him, so I distance myself from any such beliefs because what his followers say doesn't make sense.
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    Sep 21, 2009 3:21 AM GMT
    "Therefore I choose not to make any absolute decisions about a God whether he is out there or not, but on this earth his supposed representatives have done a terrible job of representing him, so I distance myself from any such beliefs because what his followers say doesn't make sense."

    The voice of common sense^.

    This makes me sad that folks get tied up in the malarkey of false belief systems. What a terrible waste of emotional energy.
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    Sep 21, 2009 3:21 AM GMT

    The Four Agreements is a great book to read! I wish you well in this journey
  • _gingin

    Posts: 116

    Sep 24, 2009 2:32 PM GMT
    chuckystud said"Therefore I choose not to make any absolute decisions about a God whether he is out there or not, but on this earth his supposed representatives have done a terrible job of representing him, so I distance myself from any such beliefs because what his followers say doesn't make sense."

    The voice of common sense^.

    This makes me sad that folks get tied up in the malarkey of false belief systems. What a terrible waste of emotional energy.


    i wont call it a false belief system, but ultimately whether or not God exists is secondary to, and i agree, how He is represented, as that is possibly the only indicator of how real he is, or at least, in the lives of those that represent him.



  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Sep 24, 2009 2:54 PM GMT
    Not to deface the institution of religion, but it is - in its writ - a religion of patience. at religion's root, the human being is a vessel by which love is to be shared amongst those who believe and kindness is to be extended to those who do not.

    In practice, such patience is marred by preferential bias. ex: Leviticus is a book where there is a preference to read it as it says while stories of Abraham, for example, are not to be taken so literally. Religion itself is not the issue. The current social construction of religion, however, is rather unhealthy.

    Patience in religious practice is one feature that is fundamental, but so is moderation. most who practice religion would like to bathe themselves in the social construction of Christ rather than explore the concepts, themes, and demonstrate a logical comprehension of its antediluvian expressions.

    The Bible, for example was written by man in order to guide man; as a social contract binds us all each day. and man then was not written as all inclusive. man now has no choice because of the nature of differences; they are going to spread - seemingly more wildly if not supported in a genuine manner - and be present irregardless of an overall approval.

    as a gay man, woman, child, or wherever one may lay on the continuum ... it is not your responsibility to understand yourself as homosexual in the context of the socio-political agenda that biases the percepts of the great book. I am merely expressing my interpretation and not attempting to demand anything of anyone else - I am merely making suggestions here.
    the book itself is an interesting work of literature and for its words to be taken as necessary as the very blood that pumps through your veins ... (again, my interpretation) would be to completely miss the point of the work.
    like the communist manifesto, for example, there is a great deal of controversy over marx's work, but there are some wonderfully logical suggestions ... but to take the manifesto as the final word of life ... would be both unsound and quite foolish.

    overall, as a gay man ... I would interpret from the Bible - although, I myself am not religious - that your place in this world is to be guided by love, compassion, kindness, moderation, and patience. those are the very principles of Christ and therefore those would serve as the guiding light(s) for any man, woman, child - homosexual or otherwise.

    be well.