I just don’t get it

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    Dec 12, 2007 3:25 AM GMT
    It there a class I am missing? Some seminar I skipped? Did I miss the documentary? Is there a pill I am supposed to take? A book to read? What?

    I have no Gay Dar what so ever. Most all the guys I see, I look at them and have no clue what so ever. I don’t understand. Unless I know who they are dating, they have said so, or they are limp wrested and snapping their fingers, I have no idea if they are gay or straight.

    So, you know what? I took an initiative to meet guys. I told myself I was going to meet a guy. And it worked. I met two great guys and thought I hit it off well with them. The one I saw on a daily basis and he was adorable and did that whole shy guy thing around me. After a few weeks, I got up the courage to finally ask him out. He said he was straight. He said that he wanted to stay friends, but has been kind a weird.

    The other guy I met a week later and he is great. We would talk and laugh and all the nice stuff. I made a conscious effort to flirt with him and make it very obvious that I liked him. When I did this, he blushed and would smile even bigger. Finally, I asked him to the movies. He said it would be great and to call him back a little later because he was going into class to take a final. I called him back, and with out knowing it, I said that I was hoping this could be a date and was wondering if that even was possible. He apologized and said he was straight but he would still like to go as friends. We went and it was awkward.

    When does the dating world stop kicking me and start being fun? Thank God I have not come across that one guy that is offended and angered by being considered gay.

    I’m tempted just to go back to Disney. It is like that old McDonald song, “Here a gay, there a gay, everywhere a gay gay.” The tables were reversed and there were I literally only think of 4 straight guys in my very large department. But it does not seem worth it for just a possibility.

    Is there a better way than to shake hands, introduce myself, and then ask if they are gay when we meet?
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    Dec 12, 2007 3:38 AM GMT
    That really sucks. To be honest with you, the first guy really sounded iffy to me. But all the things that happened with the Gate Way Guy?How could he be straight? maybe he is going through what you went through? You never know.
    What ever happened to the third guy that we talked about though? The one you met before these two? did you finally give up on him or are you still trying?
    I couldn't say I knew what you were going through, I live in San Fransico. ;) Maybe . . . that is where you should move? Eh eh eh?icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 12, 2007 3:45 AM GMT
    No, the third guy is too much of a headache. icon_rolleyes.gif I have given up on him.

    I hope he isn't going what I went through, that was a Hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.

    Move to San Fransisco? God I would love to live there. Did I ever tell you that is where I auditioned when I was cast? I wish I would have known you then. Of course . . . knowing you now has given me a big reason to live there. icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 12, 2007 3:58 AM GMT
    I wish I had Gay Dar developing techniques I could teach you. icon_confused.gif But till then . . .

    If you ever want to visit or relocate, by door is always open to you. icon_biggrin.gif I have an extra room but . . . I have a rather large bed. icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 12, 2007 4:02 AM GMT
    I don't have any gardar either. Im wondering if its a cultural thing or more of a personal thing, as a ton of the people I know can spot someone whos gay, but they could be doing drag and I wouldn't notice. Exaggeration yes, but im close to that point.
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    Dec 12, 2007 4:23 AM GMT
    Cher was wrong, it's in his eyes, not his kiss.

    I remember, I was a bit offended when a man on here said that he could tell that "I" was gay, me, a paragon of masculinity! The man said that sure i'm buff and masculine, but my gayness was written all over my eyes and I thought he was wrong, but I did do what he suggested. I looked at myself real long in the mirror. I smiled a little, I frowned a little, I tried angry, sad, betrayed, whatever and eachtime I saw it, gay in my eyes.

    This wasn't enough proof for me. I AM gay so I tried to find these "gay eyes" on other people, big strapping farm boys at my school, I go to an agg college. I tried to engage a few in conversation. It wasn't hard to look them in the eye. In Oklahoma, its custom to always maintain eye contact. Anyway, some I didn't see anything and about three, I swear I saw "it".

    I can't really explain what these "gay eyes" look like. The closest I can come is to say they are dewy, like glazed over with something, LOL, perhaps fairy dust.

    Another thing with the three that had "it", they didn't seem to have a problem with maintaining eye contact for very long periods. With those that didn't have "it," they would look into my eyes, dart there eyes away, look back...sort of a concious effort not to stare into my eyes. I totally get it, I do the same thing unless it is my intent to gaze into someone's eyes.

    The three that had "it" in there eyes, oh, they did gaze. It was nice because there gaze created an energy that I think any straight guy would have a major objection too. When you gaze at another guy, it is such an intimate practice. It's exclusive for you and for him and when you are doing it, it is as if noone else exist at that moment.

    LOL, I guess I drifted off myself. I am mainly trying to say that one way to tell is whether or not a guy maintains prolonged eye contact with you (gazes). Also, humor me, and look for "it". Tell me whether i'm crazy or not, LOL.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 12, 2007 4:29 AM GMT
    my gaydar is horrible. It only reads two things - straight or Rip Taylor.
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    Dec 12, 2007 4:44 AM GMT
    I didn't subscribe and get the Windows Vista Gaydar Upgrade either. Mine sucked so I just played it really low key. I let the beautiful gay guys find me and make the first moves.

    It took a little bit but, and even had to create some profiles on some gay websites but it worked. Seeing a really really hot guy right now off and on.

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    Dec 12, 2007 2:03 PM GMT
    The more gays your are around the better you get at being able to tell. It is a learning experience not something inborn. I am the president of the GSA at my college and since I have been in office my "gaydar" is about 90% correct for both boys and girls. I would say amateur gaydar is based off of stereotypes. But you can get to a point where you can just tell, even if they don't have any features that are considered stereotypically gay. Even though I have gotten pretty good, there are always those guys who allude me. I could swear they are but at the same time all the evidence points against it (and I wouldn't be surprised if when I meet them 20 years later, they are finally out of the closet).
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    Dec 12, 2007 4:38 PM GMT
    this is why I am wondering if there shouldnt be a gay marker that we wear....like a ring...similar to the idea of a wedding ring but just that means 'gay'
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    Dec 12, 2007 4:58 PM GMT
    I KNOW!!!! (This will sound TERRIBLE, but . . .) Wearing the pink triangles wasn’t a bad idea . . . God I hate myself for saying that!! (But then I wonder . . . how did they know who was gay or not?)

    GuiltyGear, you know, at first I was sort of confused and just thought that was a strange theory. But then I did try it out. I sat in front of the mirror and just analyzed my eyes until it was as if I was reading an essay. That is when I saw it. But, it is beyond this glazed over look. It is almost like a lamination that protects who we are. (I’ll explain) I looked into my eyes and then started to compare them to others. What I see is this innate confidence and power almost. (I especially see it in StripperRocco’s and RubyBlue’s eyes, to name a few.) It says, “Hi. I am _____, and no one else.” Then I thought of people I know from my PRISM meetings and other places. The ones that were out in life have the strongest glow about their eyes and maintain eye contact as if that was the only thing their eyes knew. The ones that were out only in PRISM have the glaze and this look in their eyes as if they are praying that eye contact is kept. I almost feel as if you have given me an epiphany.

    Granted I still have to practice spotting this quality better, I think that I will finally have a Gay Dar developing. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 12, 2007 7:07 PM GMT
    Well, I wasnt thinking of a pink triangle. But more a ring with a triangular stone...ruby or garnet...set in it. It would be a subtle but definite indicator that could be worn with style.
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    Dec 12, 2007 7:35 PM GMT
    Now I don't get it. Pink triangles à la 1942 ? Dunno... it seems kinda retro.
    pink_triangle.jpg
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    Dec 12, 2007 8:06 PM GMT
    It's all in they eyes and the length of the gaze - plus don't forget to have an approachable look on your face. Also - having my big, furry, friendly dog with me while I am running, or even sitting outside at Starbucks (I'm in Arizona - we can still sit outside!) never fails! A great dog is a great ice breaker!
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    Dec 12, 2007 9:04 PM GMT
    When I was single I would not think of asking a guy out unless it was in a "gay" setting. A bar, a gay volunteer group, a gay sports league. I have hopeless "gaydar", and frankly sexual orientation is something that is easily hidden or misinterpreted. The second guy was probably too shy and inhibited to come out and say he was straight. A lot of people don't like uncomfortable situations like that and will avoid face-to-face honesty, they would rather do it over the phone where they cannot see the other persons reaction.
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    Dec 12, 2007 9:06 PM GMT
    Just ask them if they like boys or girls. Who has the time to guess and guess wrong anymore?
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    Dec 12, 2007 9:31 PM GMT
    Tigger, couple of things.

    1) How long have you been out and how many gay male friends do you have?

    If your answer to either one or both questions is "not many", then yeah, you're gonna have trouble. You really do need lots and lots of opportunities to 'map' what a gay guy "looks" like. Gaydar is much like your immune system - it's not too effective until it's been 'tested' by lots of different experiences.

    2) I would stop taking friendliness on the part of another guy as any indication of their sexuality. There are plenty of really friendly straight guys out there. Hell, a couple of my married uber-straight friends hug me harder and longer than any of my gay friends do!

    A better tack/approach is to try and suss out if the guy is even gay first and there are lots of ways to do this without blurting out, "Hey, you suck dick?!"

    Gaydar doesn't have to be completely passive. Think of it more as "sonar" and less as "radar." You CAN ping guys to see what comes back. The reaction you get to something like "Did you see that new gay character on [fill in the blank tV show]?" is probably going to give you some pretty good clues about which side the guy butters his toast.

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    Dec 13, 2007 3:18 AM GMT
    I think someone on here needs to write a book about picking out gays. I am completely horrible at determining who is gay and who isnt. I read on this post and some previously about gaydar being "all in the eyes." Well I definately check out some dudes at my gym but I dont like staring or being stared at so that kind of kills any chances of trying that theory. And I am told I typically look pretty angry when I work out which is nothing like my personality whatsoever.
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    Dec 13, 2007 3:55 AM GMT
    I have no advice on developing your gaydar, as its always seemed second nature to me... but then I've always been highly tuned in to body language, even as a child. I've also been the "observer" type, too... I notice the subtle and often miss the obvious when it comes to people. So, for me it was a matter of observing all the people I knew were gay and seeing similarities in them and comparing that to the same things I observed in people I knew were straight.

    I'm not saying mine is 100% accurate... a few gay guys do slip past me and some straight guys can fool my gaydar until I strike up a conversation... but I'd guess I'm accurate about 90% of the time. My sister's gaydar (she's straight) is sometimes more accurate than mine... icon_rolleyes.gificon_lol.gif

  • Artesin

    Posts: 482

    Dec 13, 2007 10:41 AM GMT
    You know how women have womens intuition? Well I think a lot of men and women have gay dar and some just don't. Im extremely masculine with my personality and demeanor and theres only been one person thats ever been able to figure out I was gay without me even saying a word, but it was a women mind you ;p.

    For instance if this site wasn't geared toward gay men then I would have never have guessed that a lot of guys on here were gay in a normal setting. Though I do think with enough pushing, the right events, and the right atmosphere you can get almost everyone.

    Personally gaydar seems like a myth, a guessing game of sorts. Unless it was extremely obvious theres only one guy Ive ever been able to tell with and that was after 2 hours of eye contact in a starbucks. icon_rolleyes.gif

    Someone invent a gaydar device !!
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    Dec 13, 2007 10:59 AM GMT
    If a man looks at your lunch box then he's gay. It's that simple.
  • GQjock

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    Dec 13, 2007 11:50 AM GMT
    That's why I live in SFla...if you're over 20 and you look sexy >>>> 90% chance >>>> you're gay

    or at least willing to try icon_wink.gif
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    Dec 14, 2007 4:38 AM GMT
    We had our office Christmas party this afternoon.

    I'm relatively new at the firm, but three of my co-workers are people I've worked with in the past at other companies. I've always been out to everyone, but at my new firm the subject simply has never come up.

    I left the party early...two glasses of wine and I got sleepy. One of my co-workers (an old friend) called me tonight to tell me that she made an innocent remark about my having broken up this year with my partner--she simply assumed everyone knew I was gay. Well, apparently they didn't, because the woman in the next cubicle, hired even more recently than I, just about had a fit.

    No, not homophobia--simply that, apparently, she was intending for me to be the next course in her progressive dinner. And according to my friend, she spent the rest of the party muttering, "I just don't get it...I have PERFECT gaydar."

    I can't wait to go to work tomorrow.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Dec 14, 2007 4:44 AM GMT
    redheadguyIf a man looks at your lunch box then he's gay. It's that simple.


    maybe he just thinks I'm a dork?

    ck-lunchbox-pinhole-500px.jpg
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    Dec 14, 2007 7:12 AM GMT
    Space 1999? Wow! Yes, you are a dork. I had one of those space ships though, they were brilliant.