I hate letting someone take the fall...

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    Sep 23, 2009 2:56 PM GMT
    ... but I have to this time.

    Most of you who know me know that I am sober, and that part of maintaining my sobriety is helping people who want to get sober. I've spent the last year working with a kid who (just like me when I first got clean) is gay, pissed off, high on drama, and knows everything already. To his credit, and in spite of his rather crappy attitude, he made a fantastic start and put together a year. Now he's back out on prescription meds (most of which are not actually prescribed to him) and just loving the drama of it all. He keeps telling me that he means business about sobriety, and I tell him that if that's the case, he should be calling me for help before he goes out to score rather than after he's gotten high again to tell me what a bad boy he is and how awful he feels about it. But no... it's clear he's too much in love with the attention it's getting him from his family, his acquaintances, and from people in meetings.

    Well, I can't deal with it anymore. Whatever I could do to help, I think I already did. Whatever I can do from this point forward, I don't know if I am willing to do it anymore. I mean, why waste time talking about cleaning up your life to someone who is loving the mess too much right?

    I know that I gotta let him go on, even if it means he overdoses and dies... and believe me he's real close to death. It's just hard to accept. Too many people I knew, loved, and even sponsored are underground because of this.

    Not looking for advice on this... just needed to vent it. But please keep this kid in your thoughts and prayers, okay? If he's lucky, he's going to leave behind a beautiful corpse, but he's still going to be a corpse... and soon I'm afraid.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Sep 23, 2009 3:14 PM GMT
    Adam, as I was reading your thoughts about this guy, I was in total agreement that you've probably done your part... you've given your unselfish time to aid in his recovery and no doubt as a model of success as well as a responsible role model. He has chosen to ignore your help. Perhaps its time to move on...

    Being a facts & figures person, I kept thinking, how old is he, does he work? Whats his background and education? Maybe a more complete picture from which to give you input.

    And then I read the last part, about his being "near death". From what I know about you... if you left now and he did in fact kill himself, I'm sure you will have incredible guilt. Is there any other way you can appeal to him (and others who are trying to aid him) to stop the slide? It might be helpful to you.....to you.. to
    try one more time, to go the extra mile to help (maybe for you more than the kid).
    If all fails you will know for the rest of your life you did everything in your power to help.... and thats what its all about isn't it?

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    Sep 23, 2009 3:15 PM GMT
    Adam, it sounds as though you've done all you can to be of help to this guy. If I had been in his shoes, I would have felt fortunate to have someone like you in my corner - just a phone call away - to help keep me from falling. Hopefully, this guy will wise up and come around - before it is too late. No matter what happens, it is good that some future guys out there will be able to benefit from your counsel and support.
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    Sep 23, 2009 3:24 PM GMT
    Not looking for advice on this... just needed to vent it. But please keep this kid in your thoughts and prayers, okay? If he's lucky, he's going to leave behind a beautiful corpse, but he's still going to be a corpse... and soon I'm afraid.

    Done. Sorry you are going through a tough time.
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    Sep 23, 2009 3:43 PM GMT
    Having dealt with this, I'd say that what you've done already, is the right thing. At this point, it's really about 'tough love.' The only things you can do may make you loose your friendship if you have to to save his life. If you need to, get an intervention together or even call the police. You don't have to go on the intervention if you feel that it would be counter productive. You don't want to jeopardize your own sobriety.

    Other than that, the best you can do is hope that he sobers up before he dies.
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    Sep 23, 2009 3:55 PM GMT
    my old sponsor used to say, "...leave him where Jesus flung him"....
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Sep 23, 2009 4:21 PM GMT
    Sahem, you've pointed out the essential characteristics of someone quite logical; you've paid it forward and are willing to continue so long as the desire to learn is mutual.

    however, if you sense that your time is being wasted (i.e., he continues to utilize you as a fall-back option to his on-going ail) then you must remove yourself in order to push him to see or further ignore where he is at present.
    the fact that he makes de facto guidance requests shows that he sees you as a method to quick fix his problems - a house is built over time not by just adding water. such calls are instances of him wishing to place yet another band aid upon his ailment rather than taking the time himself to delve deeper and perform his own work over time.

    I would not remove yourself completely, but I would reserve your availability until he can demonstrate a true desire pick himself up. you're a great guy, Adam, and I wish you the best.
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    Sep 23, 2009 7:06 PM GMT
    No worries. You did everything you could for that guy. Sometimes you have to know when it's a lost cause, and call it a day. If not, you can find yourself emotionally drained.
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    Sep 23, 2009 8:48 PM GMT
    Thanks again, guys.
    Glad I've got ya all in my corner.
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    Sep 23, 2009 9:53 PM GMT
    Can you do a family Intervention like they do on TV, and basically tell him he's out the door (if living with family) unless he stops?
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    Sep 23, 2009 10:12 PM GMT
    I had a boyfriend that was an alcoholic and gobbled down valiums like they were candy.I tried for years to help this guy,finally I broke off the relationship with him.I tried to get his family involved,they were scared to death of his violent behavior,his friends (all gay bar drunks) did nothing except enable him to get even stronger drugs,because,after all,he was great looking and the life of the party when he was wasted.He did eventually hang himself in his fathers basement.I did not go to the funeral.
    A very good friend later told me this,"There are some people that you just can't help,don't waste your time on those people,help the people who really want your help".
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    Sep 23, 2009 10:19 PM GMT
    Having read how you describe this situation, and the replies of the others, I have to endorse the overwhelming consensus of opinion.

    Based on a comment you made, I quote some of the lyrics from the title song of the musical "Cabaret":

    The day she died the neighbors
    came to snicker:
    "Well, that's what comes
    from too much pills and liquor."

    But when I saw her laid out like a Queen
    She was the happiest...corpse...
    I'd ever seen.
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    Sep 23, 2009 10:34 PM GMT
    SAHEM62896 said
    Not looking for advice on this... just needed to vent it. But please keep this kid in your thoughts and prayers, okay? If he's lucky, he's going to leave behind a beautiful corpse, but he's still going to be a corpse... and soon I'm afraid.


    Damn. My heart breaks to hear of this. Godspeed.
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    Sep 26, 2009 2:51 AM GMT
    Difficult isn't it? For what it's worth, my advice would be to keep yourself open to him. They always say you can lead a horse to water but cannot make it drink. Perhaps when he is ready to "drink," so to speak, he'll find your extended hand helpful.
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    Oct 01, 2009 4:33 AM GMT
    Adam

    You have obviously made a heroic effort to stand by this guy. But it seems that now your presence in his life serves to reinforce his drug use, by giving him an outlet to express that he thinks is remorse. It maybe that your withdrawal of support is the slap that wakes him up. Probably not. But it is, without a doubt, the best thing you can for this addict and for yourself. There comes a point when we must accept our powerlessness to save another from a disease as insidious and as vicious as addiction.

    All the best.