zdrew saidI'm on the flip side of that situation. I can't stand my boyfriend's best friend. I've tried for over a year to like her, get along with her, or even just tolerate her. They're currently living together, and she's completely playing house and living out her own little fantasy of them being a cute little couple together, and he...just goes along with it. It's put immeasurable strain on our once-rock-solid relationship.
I've always maintained that it's completely unfair to make a person choose between two loved ones (a boyfriend and a best friend). That said, I'm discovering there's also a time that a breaking point comes and decisions might have to be made. Talk things through with the BF; ideally, if you're that serious about one another, it shouldn't even be a question.
Then again, that's from my perspective on it all. My boyfriend doesn't seem to see the problem for what it is, and I'm damned tired of treading that "this doesn't work for me but I don't wanna alienate him from his friend or strain our relationship" line. I'm thinking of dumping his ass. Point is: sometimes you do have to choose. Think it over carefully.
zdrew, if I were you I would stop going to his place, and ask him to come stay with you on weekends or on his free days. You have the right to not run into this friend of his when you see him, and you have the right to see him for extended amount of time without regard to her needs of him. If he can't accept this then it's probably time to move on.
Both partners in a relationship need to set boundaries as to what kinds of friendships are appropriate with other people. Making this clear to your partner is really important. Any activities of a best friend shouldn't make the boyfriend uncomfortable; there should be no question who is the first priority here. On the flip side, a wise best friend will wish for the best of the couple, therefore refrain from doing things that are overboard.
On the other hand the boyfriend could be too controlling, if he doesn't allow you to spend reasonable amount of time with your friend outside of your household premises, or if he makes a big deal about you communicating with your friend when he is not present. He is entitled to decide who isn't welcome at his home though, and he is entitled to your full attention when you're doing things together.
At what point is it ok to tell a partner you don't want him seeing or hanging out with a friend anymore?
Never ok unless the "friend" poses danger to you or your bf.