Relationship Vs. Friends

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 28, 2009 11:27 PM GMT
    Need to hear your opinions.

    I have a friend the BF hates. Which is understandable because this friend is in and out of jail and stuff, but he only ever compromises himself. Which is fine for me.

    It gets bad sometimes. He makes me feel so bad about having a friend like him that sometimes I just want to hide the fact that we even talk on the phone or hang out altogether - even though I'm always honest.

    At what point is it ok to tell a partner you don't want him seeing or hanging out with a friend anymore?

    I'm about to watch heroes, but can't wait to log back on and read some of the responses.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 12:29 AM GMT
    As long as your friend doesn't drag you into his problems I don't see whats wrong with hanging out with him.unless he is some sort of a hard core druggie.Then I would see why your boyfriend wouldn't want you to hang out with him.


    At what point is it ok to tell a partner you don't want him seeing or hanging out with a friend anymore?

    When it puts your partner at risk for something bad

    You don't have to answer this,but what exactly does your friend do that gets him locked up? just want to see if your boyfriend is overreacting or not.
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    Sep 29, 2009 12:36 AM GMT
    I don't see what the problem is either. As long as he's not bringing you and partner down with him.

    But on the flipside, guilt by association can be a concern. If your friend fucks up bad, the cops might come knocking at your door to ask you some questions. Or perhaps he pissed someone off and that someone comes looking for you, in order to get to him. And so on.

    It's really up to you. I think you need to figure what's more important. Or at least talk it out with your partner and come up with some compromises.
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    Sep 29, 2009 12:42 AM GMT
    I just wonder why you feel it so important to hang out with him if he is nothing but trouble. One of my brothers are like that, and i dont associate with him more than i absolutely have to. The whole family has tried to help him, but after the 4th dui i gave up. The last time i did was during a festival where he assaulted a guy for no good reason. I dont need that kind of drama, so i kind of understand your boyfriends point.. and would limit the exposure.

    Here is a quote to consider.
    "There comes a time in life where you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus soley on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy."
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    Sep 29, 2009 1:07 AM GMT

    That's good point lenoxx!

    "At what point is it ok to tell a partner you don't want him seeing or hanging out with a friend anymore?

    When it puts your partner at risk for something bad"


    ....at any point the friend in question (who's sounds a tad unstable) could get involved in something bad and inadvertantly enmesh you and your BF.

    It's really hard to give advice on this without knowing the friend's troubles and why he's back and forth with jail.

    Can you tell us?
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    Sep 29, 2009 1:36 AM GMT
    This guy is your friend for better or worse. Your bf doesn't have to like him but if it boils down between you having to choose your bf vs the friend then I would hope you choose wisely.

    As long as your friend isn't doing anything that might jeopardize the friendship you have already and doesn't do anything that might put your relationship in peril with the bf then it should be a "live and let live" situation between your bf and your friend.

    If your friend, however, can't seem to change his habits that seem to get you dragged along then you might have to cut him loose.

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    Sep 29, 2009 1:45 AM GMT
    If you can see some sort of future for your friend then stay friends. Maybe you can eventually change or mold his course. If it looks like he is determined to remain someone that will always follow the wrong path then you have to cut off the friendship. There is only so far you need to go because in the long run it is his life. Your bf has some legit concern, weight the consequences. You probably are thinking you can make him a better person. If he is older than 8 it's unlikely you will change his future. My guess is to follow what your bf says, he is not involved emotionally in the issue and will give the most valued critique.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:13 AM GMT
    I stick with friends because boyfriends come and go
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:17 AM GMT
    zdrew saidI'm on the flip side of that situation. I can't stand my boyfriend's best friend. I've tried for over a year to like her, get along with her, or even just tolerate her. They're currently living together, and she's completely playing house and living out her own little fantasy of them being a cute little couple together, and he...just goes along with it. It's put immeasurable strain on our once-rock-solid relationship.

    I've always maintained that it's completely unfair to make a person choose between two loved ones (a boyfriend and a best friend). That said, I'm discovering there's also a time that a breaking point comes and decisions might have to be made. Talk things through with the BF; ideally, if you're that serious about one another, it shouldn't even be a question.

    Then again, that's from my perspective on it all. My boyfriend doesn't seem to see the problem for what it is, and I'm damned tired of treading that "this doesn't work for me but I don't wanna alienate him from his friend or strain our relationship" line. I'm thinking of dumping his ass. Point is: sometimes you do have to choose. Think it over carefully.


    zdrew, if I were you I would stop going to his place, and ask him to come stay with you on weekends or on his free days. You have the right to not run into this friend of his when you see him, and you have the right to see him for extended amount of time without regard to her needs of him. If he can't accept this then it's probably time to move on.

    Both partners in a relationship need to set boundaries as to what kinds of friendships are appropriate with other people. Making this clear to your partner is really important. Any activities of a best friend shouldn't make the boyfriend uncomfortable; there should be no question who is the first priority here. On the flip side, a wise best friend will wish for the best of the couple, therefore refrain from doing things that are overboard.

    On the other hand the boyfriend could be too controlling, if he doesn't allow you to spend reasonable amount of time with your friend outside of your household premises, or if he makes a big deal about you communicating with your friend when he is not present. He is entitled to decide who isn't welcome at his home though, and he is entitled to your full attention when you're doing things together.

    Halfstep said
    At what point is it ok to tell a partner you don't want him seeing or hanging out with a friend anymore?


    Never ok unless the "friend" poses danger to you or your bf.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:22 AM GMT
    The friend has some drug issues. I know it sounds terrible but he truly only compromises himself. I don't get involved. He doesn't do it around me. I guess I play the same role for him that I have for over 5 years now which being one of the few people there when he fucks his life up to let him know its not over.

    Like right now he's back in jail. And my boyfriend is pissed that I would even bother accepting his call to see what had had happened. I guess I'm use to the way my friend is. I don't fool myself into thinking I can help him. I don't try to. I just think its good for him to have someone to talk to.

    After all these years I've never had issue with his life causing danger in mine. Though I guess it is possible.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 29, 2009 4:23 AM GMT
    I don't think your BF should have any problems with you accepting his phone calls. I guess it really is a discussion you have to with your BF about whether each of you can tell the other one who each of you can have as friends. Believe it or not I think with good reason the BF should have a say in your friendships and vice versa.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Sep 29, 2009 6:02 AM GMT
    Halfstep saidNeed to hear your opinions ... At what point is it ok to tell a partner you don't want him seeing or hanging out with a friend anymore?



    first off, a relationship has to be built on trust. there are a lot of reasons as to why, it seems in this case, that your man should back down and settle himself. he's making a fuss about a guy that is not the one he is dating.

    if a friend of your man's is attempting to sabotage relations with someone, then you should probably consider backing off a bit from them. but no one can tell you with whom you may or may not be associated.
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    Sep 29, 2009 1:43 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidI don't think your BF should have any problems with you accepting his phone calls. I guess it really is a discussion you have to with your BF about whether each of you can tell the other one who each of you can have as friends. Believe it or not I think with good reason the BF should have a say in your friendships and vice versa.


    I agree.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:29 PM GMT
    This isn't a simple issue. There are several things to consider. What's a valid fear vs. an insecurity. Who's got precedence (or seniority). Who makes you happy.

    For the first issue, [fear vs. insecurity] if your boyfriend has a concern about this guy that is based on fact and not some irrational fear or prejudice, then you need to consider that as a valid reason and come up with a solution or at least decide on an honest and open way of dealing with two diametric relationships. In this decision you must also consider the possibility that your BF is right and you are wrong. I'm not saying that that is the case, but you must be open minded to it. Just ask your bf why he doesn't like your friend and accept the facts and point out the irrational or prejudiced fears.

    For the second issue, if this friend of your's has been your friend longer than your BF has been your BF and this friend has stood by you when you needed him, then your BF must deal with and accept that. No relationship can be healthy that demands one of the parties cast off old friends. Old loyal friends are hard to come by and need to be maintained as appropriate. Loyalty and trust are earned over time. It should never be cast aside.

    Third: who makes you happy? Are you happy with your BF as you are happy with your friend. If your BF makes you really happy (more than he annoys/angers/frustrates you), and your friend is someone to whom you are loyal but get little more happiness than the relief that they are not in jail or screwing up their life somehow, then focus on your BF. But, if your BF makes you ecstatically happy sometimes and miserable the rest of the time, and you're just relaxed around your friend, then focus on your friend.

    Often friends fill out the balance of interests and commonality that we don't have with a BF. This is perfectly fine and normal. I wouldn't expect my BF to have every interest that I have or want to do everything that I want to do, nor should he. But a lack of interest in something on his part is no reason that I should not continue to pursue that field of interest. (I'm not talking about things like sex or intimacies but hobbies and avocations.)

    Lastly, all of the things I've said here work from both directions. They have to for equity in any relationship whether romantic or friendship. I've always had friends that didn't mix well and I acknowledged both but didn't try to force them to 'work together'. That's why they're still my friends and I can count on them. I don't own my bf, nor does he own me. I would like him to like all my friends, but I don't demand it, and if he doesn't, there will be a workaround and not a severing of relationships.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
    BGcat57

    That was actually really helpful.

    When I really stopped and asked myself the questions you put forth I am fully aware that my boyfriends feelings are more biased than anything. We are both really conservative when it comes down to substance abuse, perhaps me moreso than him.

    I think I gave my boyfriend such a hard time when we first started dating because he smoked weed and because of that he eventually stop. I think theres a bit of annoyance on my boyfriend's part, where he doesn't understand how I can so easily accept someone who has the kind of issues that my friend has. Especially when I was so tough on him for smoking marijuana.

    I think I really need to just sit and have a talk with him and let him know its ok that he hates my friend. There are friends of his that I despise to, but that I would never be so angry or annoyed as long they don't compromise our relationship. I am aware that he looks at my friend and sometimes is disgusted by how someone could have a wife and kids and screw up so badly, but thats my friend. Thats what he's always been.

    I think I just really need to convey it to him, that whereas I do not approve of what my friend does and whereas I do not condone it, I accept him for who he is. And in that sense what he does, does not bother me. Because its what he loves to do. He was accepting of me when I told him I liked to do guys, so why should I be any different?

    Everyone's responses has meant a lot to me. Last night was a really shitty night because despite how blissful my relationship can be, this is one of the few topics that comes up with my boyfriend that just annoys me to no end.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 30, 2009 10:40 AM GMT
    Ok .... This isn't a simple issue at all
    It would be easy if your friend was just an obnoxious guy
    and your BF just didn't like him

    But your BF has a point here
    You can say a friend is a friend but you're putting yourself at risk here
    and I can tell you from experience
    friends who are addicts and friends who are active drug users will affect you
    and your life .... many times in ways you don't realize immediately
    First and foremost if you are around this dude and he has any drugs on him
    ... if you get stopped. You're up sh*t's creek my man
    Then .... you think your friend is a true friend?
    Let you come btw him and the drugs..... for what ever reason
    you'll be dropped so quick it'll make your head spin
    as you get older you'll see that you'll need to see the difference btw
    healthy vs unhealthy relationships
    and until your friend gets his life in order he is unhealthy
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    Sep 30, 2009 11:41 AM GMT
    Halfstep saidNeed to hear your opinions.

    I have a friend the BF hates. Which is understandable because this friend is in and out of jail and stuff, but he only ever compromises himself. Which is fine for me.

    It gets bad sometimes. He makes me feel so bad about having a friend like him that sometimes I just want to hide the fact that we even talk on the phone or hang out altogether - even though I'm always honest.

    At what point is it ok to tell a partner you don't want him seeing or hanging out with a friend anymore?

    I'm about to watch heroes, but can't wait to log back on and read some of the responses.


    Hello my dear friend...
    I believe you don't have transparent communication with each other. It's always better to share your feelings so that you can continue your relation without any disturbances.