Ok, I'm coming out and it's NOT working out.

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    Sep 29, 2009 2:34 AM GMT

    Guys, I've been coming out - slowly - for about a year now. I've managed to make gay friends, I go to gay clubs often and every now and then I get to be intimate with a guy. I even came out to an old friend, who also came out a while ago. I'm from a conservative town and I have a huge circle of hetero friends and family (which is probably the reason I'm still stuck in the closet).

    I'm not PROGRESSING in my head. I still feel the SHAME even though I don't want it! Ultimately, I'm not comfortable yet.

    How do I get OVER myself and just BE GAY? Any tips?
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:46 AM GMT
    When I was a teenager living in my parents basement I did my own laundry. Partially because I was good like that, and partially because of the horrendous shame I would feel if my mother washed one of my many, many come soaked articles of clothing. You feel shame for the things you keep hidden.

    Some things you should keep hidden, like your come rags. Other things you should not keep hidden, like who you are. Your sexuality is a big part of who you are and you can't be honest with people without disclosing that big part.

    So, how do you not feel shame? By being honest about who you are. Come out to your close friends and family. That way, you tell them and yourself that this big part of you is not something to be ashamed of.

    Keep us posted.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:52 AM GMT
    Am I missing something? Your profile has you as being in New York City - not really a conservative town.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:55 AM GMT
    Johan99 said...I'm from a conservative town and I have a huge circle of hetero friends and family (which is probably the reason I'm still stuck in the closet).

    I'm not PROGRESSING in my head. I still feel the SHAME even though I don't want it! Ultimately, I'm not comfortable yet.

    How do I get OVER myself and just BE GAY? Any tips?

    Your profile says New York, NY, which is not conservative. You may need a complete change of scenery, and cut the old ties.
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    Sep 29, 2009 3:22 AM GMT
    phemt saidAm I missing something? Your profile has you as being in New York City - not really a conservative town.


    I think he just grew up in conservative town.
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    Sep 29, 2009 3:45 AM GMT
    Well he is in NYC now and needs to get over his conservative upbringing. The only reason he is "not PROGESSING in his head" and "still feel the SHAME" is because he allows himself to be like that. Take control of your own life!
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    Sep 29, 2009 3:48 AM GMT
    Where do big eyed boys from Missouri dream of going when they are 16 and the only gay in the village? New York. It is a story as old as the end of New Amsterdam.

    So if you were closeted and living in Biloxi, wouldn't you put your dream address as your fake address?
  • Mohannned

    Posts: 280

    Sep 29, 2009 1:58 PM GMT
    Hi
    my name is Muhanned and I'm living in Libya
    I want to tell you a little about myself maybe you'll feel a little better

    I am gay and proud of myself but no one knows about
    never had a boyfriend
    I'm 20 years old and I only had 4 sexual experiences in my life 2 of them hetro ones
    I go out the streats wanting to scream out that I'm gay but the fear of getting killed or get in jail keeping me from doing it

    I want to come out so bad that it keeps hunting me where ever I go
    and when I see people like u ashamed or afraid realy hurts me
    there is nothing to be ashamed of
    it's like being ashamed of your eyes color or foot size

    I wish I can walk in your shoes
    just think about how I live and come out
    if not for you at least for me and people like me who can never do it
    you live in the land of free for god sake

    Pease Pro
  • Mohannned

    Posts: 280

    Sep 29, 2009 1:58 PM GMT
    Hi
    my name is Muhanned and I'm living in Libya
    I want to tell you a little about myself maybe you'll feel a little better

    I am gay and proud of myself but no one knows about
    never had a boyfriend
    I'm 20 years old and I only had 4 sexual experiences in my life 2 of them hetro ones
    I go out the streats wanting to scream out that I'm gay but the fear of getting killed or get in jail keeping me from doing it

    I want to come out so bad that it keeps hunting me where ever I go
    and when I see people like u ashamed or afraid realy hurts me
    there is nothing to be ashamed of
    it's like being ashamed of your eyes color or foot size

    I wish I can walk in your shoes
    just think about how I live and come out
    if not for you at least for me and people like me who can never do it
    you live in the land of free for god sake

    Pease Pro
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    Sep 29, 2009 2:08 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    Johan99 said...I'm from a conservative town and I have a huge circle of hetero friends and family (which is probably the reason I'm still stuck in the closet).

    I'm not PROGRESSING in my head. I still feel the SHAME even though I don't want it! Ultimately, I'm not comfortable yet.

    How do I get OVER myself and just BE GAY? Any tips?

    Your profile says New York, NY, which is not conservative. You may need a complete change of scenery, and cut the old ties.


    Thats pretty much what I did. When my company offered a move to the Carolinas i was happy to accept. When i moved down there.. i was able to come out without the chance of people breathing down my neck about it. After a year or so i was completely out to everyone back home.

    My little town was all talkin about it (i grew up in Bradford, OH which is less than 2000 people) and some of them got a little dumb about it running to tell my mother who already knew. But at the end of the day all of the people whose opinions i respected all said they were ok with it. Most of them ask me now why i had to move away to come out, and say they wished i would have just said something before. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:12 PM GMT
    jprichva said1) Do you still help old ladies across the street?
    2) Are you still polite to waiters and other service people?
    3) Do you still do thoughtful things for friends and loved ones?
    4) Do you still look both ways before crossing?

    Did any of this change once you realized you like dick?


    Thats something my therapist never said but that makes a lot of sense. LOL!
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:12 PM GMT



    Thanks Mohannad, that's impressive and very true!

    "there is nothing to be ashamed of
    it's like being ashamed of your eyes color or foot size"

    Johan99, as well, being gay is only one part of you, like feet or eyes.

    There are some great examples of gay men on here. Perhaps you just need to interact with some, and so come to see your own potential.


    How about filling your profile so we can get to know Johan?


    and if it hasn't been said, "Welcome to Realjock!"


    -Doug and Bill of meninlove
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:31 PM GMT

    Two books that helped me in the process of becoming more comfortable in my own skin:

    The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs

    and

    Becoming Gay: the Journey to Self-Acceptance by Richard Isay


    I hope that maybe you will find them helpful. In any case, try to be kind and patient with yourself. It sounds like you grew up in an environment with plenty of opportunities for you to absorb the idea that being gay is a long way from o.k. It will take time to either overwrite those ideas or to minimize and learn to tolerate whatever shame might still be around.

    If you can try not to judge your shame. Wishing it away probably won't work. Instead, see if you can calmly challenge your shame. Look at the next situation that leads you to feel shame and see if you can tease out what about the situation set your mind on the road to the thoughts that lead to the shame. Then look at those thoughts that give rise to the shame and ask yourself if they are valid, true or correct. Try to bear in mind that thoughts are just thoughts. They are our minds' depiction of things. And they are often distorted by reflexive reactions we have learned to certain ideas or situations. I'll bet my bottom dollar, there is something distorted in those thoughts and that, if you can tease out those distortions and start replacing them with thoughts that are demonstrably valid, the shame will shrink.

    Finally, since I mentioned "shrink", would it help to find a therapist who can help you to learn to accept yourself more fully? I certainly found it useful to find a support group for men who were early in the process of coming out. Seeing that I was not alone or that my thinking and feelings weren't uniquely screwed up helped a lot - as did meeting a bunch of other gay men that I respect and, in many cases, enjoy hanging out with.

    Best of luck.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:33 PM GMT
    Mohannned saidHi
    my name is Muhanned and I'm living in Libya
    I want to tell you a little about myself maybe you'll feel a little better

    I am gay and proud of myself but no one knows about
    never had a boyfriend
    I'm 20 years old and I only had 4 sexual experiences in my life 2 of them hetro ones
    I go out the streats wanting to scream out that I'm gay but the fear of getting killed or get in jail keeping me from doing it

    I want to come out so bad that it keeps hunting me where ever I go
    and when I see people like u ashamed or afraid realy hurts me
    there is nothing to be ashamed of
    it's like being ashamed of your eyes color or foot size

    I wish I can walk in your shoes
    just think about how I live and come out
    if not for you at least for me and people like me who can never do it
    you live in the land of free for god sake

    Pease Pro



    Young man thank you for reminding me. Your right. We live in a land of free. There are still trials internally and with family...but I can go out and scream I AM GAY IN THE STREET with out fear of being arrested or Jailed. Your hardships and struggles are not in vain however, I do realize what I have living here, even in my conservative town. Perhaps you can imagine in your mind, for just a moment......living in my country and doing the things you wish. Dreams do come true....just BELIEVE

    I am with you my friend....
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Sep 29, 2009 3:24 PM GMT
    I know a turning point for me was when my Mother and Father would talk about me and what I was doing in my work. Theatre and arts to people at work. I was like.. yeah I"m still good. I still have their respect and love. Nothing else mattered after that.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Sep 29, 2009 4:07 PM GMT
    Johan99 said
    I'm not PROGRESSING in my head. I still feel the SHAME even though I don't want it! Ultimately, I'm not comfortable yet.

    How do I get OVER myself and just BE GAY? Any tips?



    You're probably just not emotionally ready to come out fully -- and that's okay. Just go at your own pace until the time feels right to share this with family members. I don't think you will ever feel completely comfortable with this until your parents know and you understand that they still love and accept you and that is all that matters.
  • _gingin

    Posts: 116

    Sep 29, 2009 4:22 PM GMT
    Mohannned saidHi
    my name is Muhanned and I'm living in Libya
    I want to tell you a little about myself maybe you'll feel a little better

    I am gay and proud of myself but no one knows about
    never had a boyfriend
    I'm 20 years old and I only had 4 sexual experiences in my life 2 of them hetro ones
    I go out the streats wanting to scream out that I'm gay but the fear of getting killed or get in jail keeping me from doing it

    I want to come out so bad that it keeps hunting me where ever I go
    and when I see people like u ashamed or afraid realy hurts me
    there is nothing to be ashamed of
    it's like being ashamed of your eyes color or foot size

    I wish I can walk in your shoes
    just think about how I live and come out
    if not for you at least for me and people like me who can never do it
    you live in the land of free for god sake

    Pease Pro


    muhanned, you couldn't have said it any better. if not the op, it certainly makes me feel blessed to be in a country that is not life-threatening to be who you are. keep the faith!

    johan99, you have every opportunity in your country to shape your life as your see fit and theres nothing anyone can do to affect your new life if you so wish. you need to relieve yourself of all the hateful and self-destroying baggage that the society at large have placed on you, and find out fresh for yourself what it means to be gay. there is no better way to start than with friends and around life/love-affirming environs.
    i wish you the best.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 29, 2009 4:56 PM GMT
    Are you ashamed to wake up in the morning?

    ..... to brush your teeth?

    ..... take the car in for an oil change?

    This shame you're feeling has nothing to do with the act of coming out
    It's in your head
    It's what you feel "emotionally" about being this Gay Thing called a Gay Man

    You are the same person ... same molecules
    same dna
    but now you're trying to wrap your head around being GAY
    and you have preconcieved notions of what that might be

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    Sep 29, 2009 4:58 PM GMT
    Johan99 said
    Guys, I've been coming out - slowly - for about a year now. I've managed to make gay friends, I go to gay clubs often and every now and then I get to be intimate with a guy. I even came out to an old friend, who also came out a while ago. I'm from a conservative town and I have a huge circle of hetero friends and family (which is probably the reason I'm still stuck in the closet).

    I'm not PROGRESSING in my head. I still feel the SHAME even though I don't want it! Ultimately, I'm not comfortable yet.

    How do I get OVER myself and just BE GAY? Any tips?


    You give yourself permission to like yourself, and quit hiding. Once you do that, you'll be fine. Until you do that, you won't. It's just that simple.

    Right now, you have a self-induced mental illness. Call it self-loathing. You've created that from within. It's not your town, your friends, but YOU.

    If you can't do this on your own, seek a qualified mental health professional.

    Never forget, if something is weak, it doesn't get stronger if you coddle it. You rehab it / make it stronger, by walking it into, through, beyond, and above the comfort zone.
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    Sep 29, 2009 11:38 PM GMT
    Johan, what exactly are you ashamed about?
    Being still in the closet?
    Being gay?
    Living 'the GAY lifestyle'?

    If your shame is about still being in the closet, then you know how to fix that.

    If it is about being gay or living the life of an out gay man, then you need to talk to your friends about accepting yourself. Maybe they can help you understand that there's nothing shameful about being gay. Or read self-help books about the topic or even talk to a therapist if your shame is too serious or deep-seated.

    whatever it is, welcome to the best time of your life.
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    Sep 29, 2009 11:56 PM GMT
    Johan99 said
    Guys, I've been coming out - slowly - for about a year now. I've managed to make gay friends, I go to gay clubs often and every now and then I get to be intimate with a guy. I even came out to an old friend, who also came out a while ago. I'm from a conservative town and I have a huge circle of hetero friends and family (which is probably the reason I'm still stuck in the closet).

    I'm not PROGRESSING in my head. I still feel the SHAME even though I don't want it! Ultimately, I'm not comfortable yet.

    How do I get OVER myself and just BE GAY? Any tips?


    I'm in the same boat as you but with a different approach. I'm not at all ashamed of being gay. It's the fear of discrimination if I come out to every one. That some one I love will not mean to but try to shame me. It sucks. Makes you feel like a small fish in a huge pond of sharks. I guess we just take a big breath, realize our sexuality is but one small piece of the pie that makes us who we are. Hold our heads high and if our environment we pick to live in is negative we move to a place that is more healthy and just say fuck them to the ones that are ignorant. That or get a protective group of fag hags LOL. I still don't get what they really are but in this case maybe a few wouldn't be such a bad idea icon_smile.gif

  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Sep 30, 2009 12:02 AM GMT
    If you're coming out at 28, likely you're still carrying some baggage about it. Otherwise, I'm guessing you would have come out earlier. It's tough to overcome the self-hatred our society teaches us about being gay. But you've gotten to this point. On some level you realize that just because you're gay doesn't make you a bad or worthless person. I came out about 20 years ago. I wrote for my campus' lgbt paper. I served as an officer in the undergrad lgbt organization. I worked for several years for a national lgbt organization. And STILL I fight those voices. But when you come right down to it, who are you living your life for? Are you living your life for those voices that say you should be ashamed of who and what you are? That sounds like a pretty miserable option. Or do you focus on that conscious voice that KNOWS you're a good and worthy person. That being gay does not make you lesser. You do deserve respect and you deserve love. You need to focus on what your conscious tells you, not what your subconscious tells you.

    Some therapy might be of help to you. Find a therapist who has a gay clientele. There are several who even focus on coming out issues. And talk out what's holding you back.

    Speaking from personal experience, I wish it was easy to just ignore and cast off the shame that others have imposed on us, but it's there. But you have to be stronger than those wrong messages.
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    Sep 30, 2009 12:15 AM GMT
    EricLA said
    Some therapy might be of help to you. Find a therapist who has a gay clientele. There are several who even focus on coming out issues. And talk out what's holding you back.


    Make sure your therapist has a degree of some sort. Check the facts about the location where it was earned, and maybe even splurge a bit and get a psychologist instead. Yes, they ARE different.
    You should not pinch pennies when is comes to mental health. Therapist can still suggest gay conversion therapy but psychologist cannot. ^_^
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    Sep 30, 2009 12:22 AM GMT
    Johan99 said
    I still feel the SHAME even though I don't want it! Ultimately, I'm not comfortable yet.



    That's just it. You need to be comfortable with who you are. Nobody will be able to fix that for you. Not a therapist and no one in this forum. YOU and only YOU can find that comfort in being YOU.
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    Sep 30, 2009 1:55 AM GMT
    Hi guys, OP speaking. Thanks for the replies, there were quite a few.

    and no, I don't live in New York, I wish I did.. I'm a small town guy who's literally dying to get a job in the city and start a gay life from scratch.

    Someone asked me what it is exactly that I'm ashamed of. I'm ashamed of having a gay life style and being a sexual being. Sometimes when I'm with a guy, I look behind my shoulders and I feel a bit of shame for the situation. Of course, this is something that has been hammered in my head by my family & friends and pretty everyone else in the environment I grew up in.

    I'm sure I have old friends who would support me no matter what and my family would come to terms with it as well. But I'm not ready to come out for other reasons (financial life, stability).

    Funny the 'fag hag' comment. Just now I realized how some gay guys just prefer to get a couple of those instead of facing a gay life head on. It's partially true in my situation.

    As a conclusion, I don't think I need a shrink or the like but I do need to move to the city and start from scratch - FULL ON GAY.
    I'm sure I won't hide anymore, at least not when I'm downtown babe.. lol