Met a guy...Who's not like he says he is...advice?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:46 AM GMT
    Folks,

    A few months ago, I started chatting with a guy on another website. He lives a couple hours away. I'm almost positive he's not on this site...and if he is...oh well...

    We'd exchanged pics, and talked online since the beginning of July. Around the middle of August things progressed to the phone, and we've had a few good conversations.

    I like who this guy is, he seems to have his stuff together, and is generally just a nice fellow. However...my other profile is pretty clear about what I'm interested in with another guy - and we'd had several conversations about what each other was looking for.

    Last week I drove two hours for dinner. Upon arriving at his house, he came out to meet me and that's where the issue is. His pics are old. He doesn't look anything like he does now. He's gained an *easy* 30#, if not 40-45. This is a complete deal-breaker for me. I"m just not interested, at all. He's young, smart, educated, and fat.

    I get so frustrated with finding guys that I seem to have something in common with, only for them to be woefully out of shape. So herein lies my dilemma. Do I call him on this?

    I feel like I should. If his pics had been current, I would have have ever engaged him in conversation at the start. I feel that I've wasted a lot of time, effort, and emotional energy in getting to know this fellow, only to be deceived into him being something that he isn't.

    Thoughts?
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    Sep 29, 2009 1:59 PM GMT
    That is a deal breaker for me too. I would call him out on it because i can't stand liars, cheaters and theives. This guy lied. Posting old photos of yourself to get attention is misleading, and he should be told how rotten that is to get someones hopes up and let them all crash down.

    I don't even believe in using photo shop myself. I see it as cheating, so with me what you see is what you get. I guess i can see why he is lieing if he has let himself go, he probably is embarassed, as he should be. As a former fat kid myself, i know how easy it is to let go. But it's equeally easy to take control of what you do and stay in shape.

    Sorry that this happened to you man.. i know it sucks.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 29, 2009 2:05 PM GMT
    I say walk away. You have no idea how psycho he could be. You were brought up right, he wasn't. He already knows that he is a liar, and he knows that you know. i would be just as pissed as you are, but confronting him will not help either of you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:09 PM GMT
    Get rid of him, this happened to me in thep past too and i just dropped them cold. You can't be sexually attracted to him if he is fat. I know I can't
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:21 PM GMT
    honestly man and sorry if i sound shallow, but ur entitled to call him out on it. i have a rule that ive worked my ass off, (literally... 50 pounds of it so far) to get to where i am now and im still busting my ass to get in a better shape, so i would expect a guy who also cares about himself. but ultimately the decision is up to u
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Sep 29, 2009 2:33 PM GMT
    So did you stay and have dinner and enjoy the FRIENDSHIP. I can understand not being attracted to someone not in shape, but to disqualify someone as a friend for being fat is another issue that is yours only. I don't fully fault you if you walked out on the dinner because he was dishonest about his physical traits, but consider this...

    If the rapport the two of you developed as friends is worth anything, then isn't there enough friendship to at least work with him on his fitness? I'm not saying you're obligated, but my point is, what were you bringing to the table of friendship? Judgement? An easy relationship that works itself out on its own? A vain fuck? Seriously, what is your value as a friend?

    I would be disappointed at the circumstances too, but if he's at least worth it as a friend, then I wouldn't bail.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:44 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidSo did you stay and have dinner and enjoy the FRIENDSHIP. I can understand not being attracted to someone not in shape, but to disqualify someone as a friend for being fat is another issue that is yours only. I don't fully fault you if you walked out on the dinner because he was dishonest about his physical traits, but consider this...

    If the rapport the two of you developed as friends is worth anything, then isn't there enough friendship to at least work with him on his fitness? I'm not saying you're obligated, but my point is, what were you bringing to the table of friendship? Judgement? An easy relationship that works itself out on its own? A vain fuck? Seriously, what is your value as a friend?

    I would be disappointed at the circumstances too, but if he's at least worth it as a friend, then I wouldn't bail.


    Doesn't usually work. the op has invested in having a romantic relationship. if there's no attraction, becoming platonic freinds especially after the sense of betrayal becomes difficult. not that it cannot happen, but just very difficult to accomplish
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Sep 29, 2009 2:45 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidSo did you stay and have dinner and enjoy the FRIENDSHIP. I can understand not being attracted to someone not in shape, but to disqualify someone as a friend for being fat is another issue that is yours only. I don't fully fault you if you walked out on the dinner because he was dishonest about his physical traits, but consider this...

    If the rapport the two of you developed as friends is worth anything, then isn't there enough friendship to at least work with him on his fitness? I'm not saying you're obligated, but my point is, what were you bringing to the table of friendship? Judgement? An easy relationship that works itself out on its own? A vain fuck? Seriously, what is your value as a friend?

    I would be disappointed at the circumstances too, but if he's at least worth it as a friend, then I wouldn't bail.


    The other guy was not presenting himself truthfully, this makes a bad first impression. I don't want a liar as a friend(or a psycho). If he has the wrong age in his profile or his arms aren't 19 inches like the profile says that can be considered a little white lie or that the profile needs updating. But yeah, if someone is using old photos to show who they are and now they are overweight then there really is no need to be a friend to this liar. His life will go on and hopefully he will present himself more accurately next time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:53 PM GMT
    This happen to be the last two meet ups. The guys were 20 lbs or more beyond what their pics showed. i guess they think that since they don't care you won't care. You drove 2 hours to met him for the first time and you simply didn't see what you wanted. Think about his personally vs his weight for a while and be str8 up and let him know.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:57 PM GMT
    ncsucarjock88 saidFolks,

    A few months ago, I started chatting with a guy on another website. He lives a couple hours away. I'm almost positive he's not on this site...and if he is...oh well...

    We'd exchanged pics, and talked online since the beginning of July. Around the middle of August things progressed to the phone, and we've had a few good conversations.

    I like who this guy is, he seems to have his stuff together, and is generally just a nice fellow. However...my other profile is pretty clear about what I'm interested in with another guy - and we'd had several conversations about what each other was looking for.

    Last week I drove two hours for dinner. Upon arriving at his house, he came out to meet me and that's where the issue is. His pics are old. He doesn't look anything like he does now. He's gained an *easy* 30#, if not 40-45. This is a complete deal-breaker for me. I"m just not interested, at all. He's young, smart, educated, and fat.

    I get so frustrated with finding guys that I seem to have something in common with, only for them to be woefully out of shape. So herein lies my dilemma. Do I call him on this?

    I feel like I should. If his pics had been current, I would have have ever engaged him in conversation at the start. I feel that I've wasted a lot of time, effort, and emotional energy in getting to know this fellow, only to be deceived into him being something that he isn't.

    Thoughts?


    Men lie more often than you think. two weeks ago met a guy on a first date.
    we've been chattting for a while - well 3 weeks actually. talked on the phone, exchanged pics etc. etc

    he said he was 60. now that's going towards my upper limit but hey, why not? after all 60 is the new 40 i told myself. well i was wrong and he was a liar!
    in his case 60 is the new 80

    but as it turned out he is actually 74- which was immediately apparent on meeting him. he looked everyday his age and more. i was wondering who the hell he is trying to fool?

    had he told me up front - i most likely would have said- you know what let's just be friends and developed a platonic friendship.

    now, i have no interest in doing even that

    it's more common than you think

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 2:59 PM GMT
    Just face it. Our first impressions and attractions are on a physicl basis. Regardless of who the person is he he actually misrepresenting himself and visulizes himself as someone other then "who he REALLY is".

    Here's where you come in.... You shared a lot of yourself on the phone, emails and in the drive to his home. Think of it this way. Don't invest any more of yourself in this person as he will have the tendency to continually misrepresent himself in other areas of his life and cannot be trusted. BOLT!!!!!!! even if dinner is on the table. He is a fake and wants something for nothing. He has a fear of whom he really is and cannot be man enough to be himself. It will never work. This is why a CAM is useful and can determine the "real" physical person. Honesty and integrity are really difficult to find these days.... be real, don't give in because you feel sorry for this poor sucker. Best wishes.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Sep 29, 2009 3:00 PM GMT
    ncsucarjock88 saidFolks,

    I like who this guy is, he seems to have his stuff together, and is generally just a nice fellow. However...my other profile is pretty clear about what I'm interested in with another guy - and we'd had several conversations about what each other was looking for.



    PEOPLE, notice the present tense after all that has happened.
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    Sep 29, 2009 3:06 PM GMT
    coolarmydude said
    ncsucarjock88 saidFolks,

    I like who this guy is, he seems to have his stuff together, and is generally just a nice fellow. However...my other profile is pretty clear about what I'm interested in with another guy - and we'd had several conversations about what each other was looking for.



    PEOPLE, notice the present tense after all that has happened.


    Yeah, he is saying that the guy is decent, except for his lies and deceit. If the guy would have been honest, then maybe a friendship would have ensued. But how would you expect someone to have any trust for someone after that. HONESTY people. It's not that hard.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Sep 29, 2009 3:08 PM GMT
    The OP is looking for advice, which means that he likes the guy at least on a platonic level and DESPITE the deception on his physical appearance.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Sep 29, 2009 3:10 PM GMT
    To the OP: If you want to be friends with him, that's fine. For your sake, just put him on notice about his dishonesty.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 3:19 PM GMT
    Just tell him that you are still interested. Unfortunately, your interested in the man he pretended to be and not the man he is. Then tell him you'll continue to look for a man just like him, except that you'll want the truthful version.

    Dishonesty is one of the worst ways to start a relationship. Small things, like shaving a few years off is forgivable if the picture of the man is accurate. I was getting ready to date a guy once who told me, after the fact, that he was 8 years older than stated in his profile. I thought that as long as the pictures were up to date, that was ok. Note also that he told me before we were to meet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 3:19 PM GMT
    I would tell him to update his pics and jump on a treadmill. False advertising is illegal, afterall.
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    Sep 29, 2009 3:30 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidTo the OP: If you want to be friends with him, that's fine. For your sake, just put him on notice about his dishonesty.


    Yeah, because we should welcome dishonest people in to our lives. icon_rolleyes.gif How about you go ahead and give him your socail security number too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 3:35 PM GMT
    He can be the nicest, smartest, most generous guy in the world. The point is that he lied after he probably knew that you'd have to go through some effort to get to him ( 2 hours is a pretty long drive...esp to be disappointed), in which case he's kinda inconsiderate as well. You won't be wrong to call him out on it but i doubt people like him would change (he's probably gotten away with it enough times to really care). I say that you try to forget it and move on. If you wanna say something then go ahead but its gonna be a waste of your breath.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 3:59 PM GMT
    Dear ncjock,

    I agree with coolarmy dude on every point. But I have my own two cents to put in. In another thread which I started on gay guys being civil, I am a southern guy, so my civil approach to this situation would be to: have dinner with him, at the end of dinner have a talk, dont be afraid to say this line "im just not that into you". Sure its a little harsh but it's very civil. Dont just drop him before going to dinner but after dinner let him know where you stand. simple.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 4:09 PM GMT
    Oh dear. I think I may be almost 4lb heavier than my main pics (moved continents twice and got injured)

    I hate myself already. Please donĀ“t get me banned icon_eek.gif


    (though I do agree with the general reaction: the issue is intentional deception).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 4:22 PM GMT

    You aren't Lee Priest.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Sep 29, 2009 4:26 PM GMT
    Ponder this: There's a stark difference between being dishonest to wrong or hurt somebody than to be dishonest because of shame or lack of confidence.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 29, 2009 4:28 PM GMT
    It would be a deal breaker for me because its a clear intention act of deceit. The whole purpose of a pic is for people to get an accurate representation of what you look like.

    You see this body? If you met me thats what you's get. With missing head and arms and legs and all. Its that recent! lol.

    Yeah man don't guilt yourself into sticking around. I'd be pissed.
  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    Sep 29, 2009 4:29 PM GMT
    Count me in with the majority opinion. The guy misled you, so RUN!