Should I say something?

  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Oct 01, 2009 7:57 AM GMT
    Okay, I have a friend that I hang out with every now and then. Cool guy, has a partner. I thought they had an open relationship (not that I did or would do anything) type thing going on. So a bunch of fellas meet at a local late night spot to drink and act a fool, he's there with his guy. Said guy, who never really talks much, is drunk off his ass and gets a little too close and definitely too touchy but I chalk it up to the alcohol and maybe he's trying to get someone to come home with them. I notice my friends' face is not exactly happy about this. He didn't go off or anything, but the aggravation was showing.

    In a casual conversation I asked another friend about the boundaries of their open relationship. He says he didn't think they have an open relationship. Alrighty then. A week later, at a party, the same thing happens; only the friend of mine is not in the room. I'm thinking "WTF" because it's not like we're the only ones in the room and the groping was blatant as hell.

    I'd say the friend was aware the first time it happened and may have heard about the second time, but maybe doesn't think it's more than drunken flirting. However, his bf's hands and potty mouth suggest otherwise. I'd want to know if my guy was cheating, but I don't even know the reality of their relationship. Maybe he was simply annoyed that his bf was being too bold about it due to the alcohol, since both overtures were damn bold. It's not like we hang out every day, but I don't know what to do now or in case of a future incident.

    Should I bring this up to him or let it go?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 01, 2009 8:25 AM GMT
    Yes. Definitely tell the "groper" to chill.
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    Oct 01, 2009 2:02 PM GMT
    I see two issues:

    1) "The Groper" is making what claim to be is unwanted physical contact. You shouldn't accept that from anybody. So, if you honestly don't want to be groped say something the groper and, if need be, do something about it.

    2) Making sure "The Groper"'s groping doesn't create unnecessary tension between you and your friend. In my view you owe no loyalty the groper, so you can let your friend know the groping was uninvited and unwelcome. You may also want to ask your friend to let his partner know that you do not welcome his advances and will be intolerant of them in the future.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 01, 2009 2:16 PM GMT
    Avoid the Groper, and if you see him again and he tries it tell him to knock it off.

    Talk to your friend, let him know felt awkward that first time and didn't really know how to handle it but that you have no sexual interest in his bf.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Oct 01, 2009 2:18 PM GMT
    So far the advice is ignoring the fact that if you offend one person in a relationship you might risk the loss of alienating both of them. Yes, deal with the groper and make it known the groping will not be tolerated. I have to do this quite often with a couple friends that eventually get the message...knock their hand out of the area in question and say it doesn't turn you on at all and say you usually expect that kind of stuff from freaks or creeps but not friends. If they know you think it is gross and consider it lewd than it shouldn't progress any further. But you did call him a friend so hopefully he won't think it is too harsh.

    In terms of telling your friend anything.......no way! A friend of mine did that to a couple telling on one guy that was cheating on the other guy....and the couple is still together but no longer talking to the friend. Getting involved in this is taking responsibility for a relationship you know nothing about(even though you think you might). If your friend asks you specific questions about it or your opinion, always be honest, but when you are the one bringing it up it starts becoming your agenda and not your friends.
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    Oct 01, 2009 2:20 PM GMT

    This is Bill. It happened to me with some of Doug's friends. They were a couple and one of them did this stuff when he was looped.

    I said, "I'm happily married, you know. Aren't you?" and got up and walked over to some other friends (house party). I was pretty loud about it.


    A few months later they broke up. We were talking with the poor BF while he was getting over it. Doug asked if we should have said something sooner.

    The guy said, " If you'd told me my BF was doing that, I wouldn't have believed you then. I might've thought you were trying to cause trouble. I had to see it for myself"


    I think you should confront the guy when he does it, and don't be shy about it.



  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Oct 01, 2009 2:41 PM GMT
    joeyveras saidYes. Definitely tell the "groper" to chill.


    just like a friend may invite you to his bed for a platonic night of rest
    just as a familiar person leaving a lingering touch ...

    there are implications. I would say something because this, clearly, has been on your mind. you seem to have boundaries and an understanding that if someone is in relationship ... aside from learning as to whether or not this is an occurrence that most rather than few experience ... that you do not behave without a sense of respect for both parties involved in said relationship.

    I would



    ... say, say, say something.
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    Oct 01, 2009 7:17 PM GMT
    Look, you don't know what is up with their relationship. You could ask, of course. You could be a friend and bring up your concern to your friend. But, this is not your relationship. Your boyfriend is not drunkenly groping people (which might be perfectly okay in their relationship).

    Speak your piece, and leave it to your friend to sort things out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 01, 2009 7:30 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidLook, you don't know what is up with their relationship. You could ask, of course. You could be a friend and bring up your concern to your friend. But, this is not your relationship. Your boyfriend is not drunkenly groping people (which might be perfectly okay in their relationship).

    Speak your piece, and leave it to your friend to sort things out.




    Amenicon_idea.gif
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Oct 01, 2009 9:26 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidSo far the advice is ignoring the fact that if you offend one person in a relationship you might risk the loss of alienating both of them.


    This pretty much sums up my apprehension. It goes beyond me being bothered, and I'm not sure I want the responsibility of either embarrassing my friend or creating some type of backlash (you know how guys can be) and having to deal with some psycho drama. Maybe it's a drinking problem I'm unaware of. His bf is kinda reserved when sober, but turns into Dr. Octopus when drunk. I'm not sure if he just did it to me or anyone else.

    The mutual friend I had spoken to earlier, kind of blew it off as just someone being inappropriate and thinking it would be funny. If I hadn't seen my friend's face, I'd have thought so as well. I'm leaning on saying something, I guess I just don't know how to word it as this has never happened to me before and I'm not sure how he'll take it.
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Oct 01, 2009 9:27 PM GMT
    joeyveras saidYes. Definitely tell the "groper" to chill.


    and oh yeah, I did that the first time.
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    Oct 01, 2009 9:58 PM GMT
    PipHop said
    joeyveras saidYes. Definitely tell the "groper" to chill.


    and oh yeah, I did that the first time.


    I was assuming the groper was adult enough to back off when you said something because it gets messy when you start getting in the middle of others relationship. If you told him directly and sternly to back off what is the boyfriend (your friend) going to do about it that is any more direct? Seems like that would just escalate the drama to me but I've never been in a situation like that so I may not be the best source for advice.
  • PipHop

    Posts: 439

    Oct 01, 2009 10:45 PM GMT
    well i didn't exactly put my foot down, but then again I thought he was just super drunk and didn't think much of it. My words were, "Calm down soldier, you're out of control", but with a nervous laughter. It was only the after the 2nd time I got a little leery of the situation. That time I said, "Dang, why are you so handsy?!" He was so sloshed both times, he was incoherent.

    The next time I see them I think I will say something vague like, "Man, you're the life of the party after a couple drinks." Something to reference it, without bringing it up all the way. At least that's how it's supposed to go LOL. Who knows how it'll play out in real lifeicon_confused.gif