What do you do if it's basically a timing issue?

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    Oct 01, 2009 8:33 PM GMT
    I had the misfortune of dating someone too early after their break-up/separation from a previous relationship. We got along very well, and things clicked on a variety of levels. We started developing deeper feelings for one another, and in the end, it was just too soon. He got "cold feet" and broke it off.

    I'm pretty sure the relationship ended because it was just poor timing (I can only take what was told to me at face value in more words than that). I told him I was sad and disappointed, but that I understood his situation and that he has a lot of healing to do. I told him that once he gets over whatever it is he needs to get over to give me a call because, really, I liked him a lot. I wasn't going to call it love, because it just wasn't that long of a relationship still and we were still getting to know each other.

    I've been slowly moving on, so to speak (but clearly, not completely moving on, otherwise, I wouldn't be posting here!). I still secretly hope for contact (e.g. I lamely hope, when I get an email notification, or a text message, that it will be him). There is a part of me that still wants to be available for him, but maybe this is just a "give it time" issue. I know it's just going to take time to get over this, and that's fine. Part of me is being patient, while at the same time thinking that I'm just being lame, residually moping about this.

    What do you do about a relationship that, in every other way, was really good, but in one "temporal fatal-flaw" fails (i.e. right guy, right place, wrong time)?

    And no, I don't think, "Just be his friend" is the way to go here. I confess to breaking the "no contact rule" once, and didn't get a response, so I'm just keeping my hands off and giving him a wide breadth of space.
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    Oct 01, 2009 10:23 PM GMT
    Oh, I'm _cognitively_ aware wishful thinking isn't going to change anything. It just keeps happening.
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    Oct 02, 2009 1:17 AM GMT
    I've had those situations in the past. Generally I've looked back at them and tried to 'learn' something from them. In most instances I learnt that, in actuality, I wasn't ready or didn't want a relationship at that point in time so it was a good thing it didn't go ahead. More recently I learnt that I was ready for a relationship, and though it didn't happen with that particular guy, it was kind of a good feeling to know that had it happened I was ready.

    To the OP: I think you just move ahead with your life. There is no sense in lamenting the one who got away or wondering about all the 'what ifs'. He may come around again and he may not, but holding out isn't the way to go about it.
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    Oct 02, 2009 2:14 AM GMT
    I hate to say this, but I'm on the opposite side of this issue and I'm trying to run away! The guy is awesome and I just don't know what to do. We also live like a thousand miles away from each other and there's a huge age difference. (14 yrs I'm the senior in almost every sense of the word) I really dig him but now I think is too soon. I think I'm trying to plug him in the hole left by my ex of 5 yrs. I want to tell him, that if we could hold off for about 6 months, I could get my shit together and make a better mate. But I think we all know how that works out. He'll find someone else or I will. I keep telling myself to ride this bull until its spent or tame. But we'll see.

    As for your issue, give it time and learn from it. Not only if the guy has recently split or if you have. Trust an old timer on this. It never really works out. The 5 yr ex was a rebound! Time heals all wounds, it's how we deal with the baggage1
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    Oct 02, 2009 2:30 AM GMT
    This is one of those situations we've all been through time and again.

    If someone tells you he's not ready, believe him. And don't hang around waiting for him to change his mind because he won't. He can't. The first person he goes out with after a breakup will be forever linked in his mind with the painful feelings he's still dealing with. He can heal only by moving past those feelings, which also means moving past you.

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    Oct 02, 2009 2:36 AM GMT
    Synchronicity is huge but often overlooked as a factor in whether things work out or not. It's a bitch, because trying to force synergy, ignoring the lack of it, or simply waiting it out can lead to resentment from one or both guys. And the early stages of a relationship are delicate, which doesn't help.

    Just my opinion. At least you're asking the tough questions though. Kudos to that.
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    Oct 02, 2009 4:08 AM GMT
    Timing is everything.

    In the past I was the one who was not ready. It didn't matter how wonderful the guy was.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Oct 02, 2009 9:02 AM GMT

    I feel that I disagree. if the feelings were there and strong enough to make you think of his well-being ... then try your hand at keeping him as a part of your life. there is always a lesson to be learned when concerning the fallacies of the heart. if there is something to be worked out on his end, be the complementary bookend; meet him where he is at and support him. if he is still affected in the heart by his past, bolster him to return to living in the present.

    I'm not certain of a " no contact rule " seeing as that alludes to a showman's game that I simply do not have the time to play. honesty, integrity, and all of the highbrow concepts are what give meaning to truly multifaceted connections.
    in this life we are going to continually encounter obstacles. those are there for learning ... those are there for instilling lessons that will be passed down to other members of our human race - regardless of sex, color, ethnicity, or otherwise.

    it is these little things (e.g., a phone call, a letter, a smile, a hug, or a kind word) that keep the mental image of your care for another - friend or otherwise - in their minds. once in their minds, they begin to take your care for them to places that their personal path has lead them. by some sort of virtue, kindness can be extended not only to the ones with which we are directly involved, but to spread across this interconnected system of social economy (where our actions affect those in which we come into contact and those same people carry that same energy onto others and thus spurring a virtue of care epidemic).

    our actions with others may not be sure-footed, however, who we are as people can be firmly established. trust in your abilities and try viewing your situation as not one where it is simply the wrong time ... if he is truly the right guy ... then do not feel hurt that you could not have him but instead feel over-joyed that you have come into contact with such a wonderful caliber of fellow. take energy with you and continue to build a home within yourself so that you may welcome another or perhaps this man into your heart, where your efforts will make lucid the opacity of confusion.

    a wonderful man is one who fails. but as he fails, he gets back up and tries again to learn, live, and love. that's what makes him beautiful:

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    Oct 02, 2009 11:27 AM GMT
    bryanc_74 saidWe got along very well, and things clicked on a variety of levels. We started developing deeper feelings for one another, and in the end, it was just too soon. He got "cold feet" and broke it off..



    Whoa!!!! seriously, this type of shit pisses me off. Because the guy was open enough to allow you in...hmmm

    I've met my fair share of this type and it turns out that they just don't know what the hell THEY want. It has nothing to do with their past relationship. Anyway, look for the guy that knows what they want and knows that they want YOU and the special things YOU have to offer.

    peace!
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    Oct 02, 2009 11:32 AM GMT
    Texdef: Hmm, I never considered that I would also be the source of future associated pain. Something to think on for sure.

    It sounds like this is just a "give it time" thing then.

    To ShockandAWD: I think the best thing to do (and what I wished my ex had done) would be to tell him how you're feeling sooner rather than later. It might not have made a difference in the end, but I would definitely have appreciated some form of advanced warning instead of the bomb that was dropped on me. Everything was fine on a Friday, and then it was over the next Saturday afternoon. Somewhere in an intervening 16 hours between two communications, it all fell to pieces in him, and I was just the recipient of a lot of shrapnel. My relationship wasn't a distance one, but if the relationship is important to you the both of you, then keeping these feelings to yourself is unfair to your boyfriend. If I had known he was having doubts, I would have guarded myself more (or not, who knows), or at least I would have been given the option whether to meet the challenge to the relationship or not. Don't underestimate your boyfriend. Don't make assumptions about how they will react or what they want from you. And don't wait until you're freaking the hell out inside before you have calm and logical discussions. That's what a mature relationship is about.

    We just had a thread about "the price of admission". This is no different. But in these situations, I think you have to open yourself up to being a bit vulnerable and seeing if your boyfriend wants to pay the price of admission or not. I was not given the option to make that decision. My ex decided to close the ride, and I will never really know what the price of admission was going to be, and whether I had enough change in my pocket to pay it or not (or if I wanted to spend it on cotton candy instead). And ultimately, that's what hurts the most about the whole situation. If he had told me, "I'm having these feelings and this is what I think it's going to cost you to stay on this ride," I might have realized that I just wasn't willing to pay it, and we both would have left the relationship with a degree of closure and the feeling that the ending was fairly mutual. Or, he might have found out that I was richer than he thought I was and willing and able to pay that price.

    Riding the bull by yourself is not the solution. Relationships are not all-or-none situations. And if more people would just realize that, there would be a lot less broken gays. If he's so awesome, and this has potential to be a great relationship, and you actually care about him, you owe him the courtesy of building a good foundation with him, even if the relationship ends up ending. And that involves negotiation, not unilateral decision making. Waiting until you, "...just can't do this anymore..." is not only too late, it's grossly unfair to your partner, and can only lead to what can only be termed as "a bad break-up". Just because you break up with someone doesn't mean you have to leave them broken. And it certainly doesn't mean you have to break yourself in the process either.

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    Oct 02, 2009 11:52 AM GMT
    bryanc_74 saidTexdef: Hmm, I never considered that I would also be the source of future associated pain. Something to think on for sure.


    About 2 months after a bitter breakup I met a terrific guy. He was bright, charming, a gourmet cook, and so handsome I was thrilled (at first) that he took an interest. We dated for a while but I was totally not ready and after the novelty of the first few dates I couldn't much enjoy sleeping with him despite his attractiveness.
    We kept in touch and he made some efforts to rekindle the flame but every time I heard his voice it brought back the utter misery I was feeling when I first met him. Eventually I stopped returning his calls.
    If we had met at another time it could have been wonderful but the timing did make it impossible.
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    Oct 02, 2009 1:26 PM GMT
    Each situation is different.

    The guys who don't want another relationship after ending a previous one should be commended for knowing exactly what they want. They want to be single and need time to reflect and learn from that past relationship. Some people like to call this "baggage", but I call it wisdom and learning before you dive into another relationship. Its an honest attitude that not only works for him, but also is considerate of the other guys feelings too (not wanting to lead him on).

    Simply filling the so called void is not an option.

    I look back at the guys who wanted a relationship with me when I didn't because I was not ready, I can't help but think about something else. If he was really really into me...and that means he understood and respected my feelings, reservations and fears.........he would have addressed those concerns head on and showed me that he was "different". He could have made special efforts to reassure me that he was patient and aware.........and demonstrate that there would be positive healthy benefits to sticking around.

    Its a fine line between being a pest and being rspectfully assertive when you go after someone/something that is truly worth it. But you have to show the other guy things about yourself that communicate safety and security.....true kindness and love........rather than "here I am let's be lovers".

    People are understandably cautious but i think if more guys were proud and eager to show off their inner good qualities and how they differ from the all the sheep out there, more people would stick around with each other.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Oct 02, 2009 2:09 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    bryanc_74 saidTexdef: Hmm, I never considered that I would also be the source of future associated pain. Something to think on for sure.


    About 2 months after a bitter breakup I met a terrific guy. He was bright, charming, a gourmet cook, and so handsome I was thrilled (at first) that he took an interest. We dated for a while but I was totally not ready and after the novelty of the first few dates I couldn't much enjoy sleeping with him despite his attractiveness.
    We kept in touch and he made some efforts to rekindle the flame but every time I heard his voice it brought back the utter misery I was feeling when I first met him. Eventually I stopped returning his calls.
    If we had met at another time it could have been wonderful but the timing did make it impossible.


    This might be a valid point and I think I have also been involved with guys that had the same issues, but it is totally whacked. It seems I've had guys that were a perfect fit for me respond much similar because it was too much of a perfect fit or we had too much fun together....it brought up a lot of feelings in them that they didn't even know was there. Honestly if they didn't let themselves get freaked out by their emotions there would never have been a problem in the first place.

    To the OP, we all need time to heal after an LTR has proven unsuccessful, but for me I never needed a "Rebound Fling". I think it is an excuse just to get your rocks off with someone new. The fact that he hasn't responded to your contact is very telling. Let's face it, he might have very deep feelings for you, but if he is going to treat you like sh*t because he's afraid of his feelings obviously this isn't the guy to waste time with.
  • MtotheC

    Posts: 11

    Oct 02, 2009 2:29 PM GMT
    Having to confess; I'm in exactly the same circumstance myself - for the first time.
    Hearing the right things is great, it does help, staying aligned with them constantly; not so.
    Re. the "no contact" rule - easier said than done - cognitively aware - you will wonder.
    I feel better about the fact that - it is what it is - if it was meant to be it was...however still find myself hoping for the best.
    At what point do you let go? two weeks, several denied date requests, holding onto a chance that might never come around...

    Cheers, guys
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Oct 02, 2009 2:44 PM GMT
    nanotam saidHaving to confess; I'm in exactly the same circumstance myself - for the first time.
    Hearing the right things is great, it does help, staying aligned with them constantly; not so.
    Re. the "no contact" rule - easier said than done - cognitively aware - you will wonder.
    I feel better about the fact that - it is what it is - if it was meant to be it was...however still find myself hoping for the best.
    At what point do you let go? two weeks, several denied date requests, holding onto a chance that might never come around...

    Cheers, guys


    When you continually beat your head against a rock you'll eventually pass out. Self preservation will kick in sooner or later.
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    Oct 02, 2009 5:32 PM GMT
    ShockandAWD said " Trust an old timer on this" Please.... unless your pic is 20 or 30 yrs old you hardly look like you belong to the First Alert Group. " Help it has fallen and can't get up" You don't look like my krinkle wrinkle friends.

    jrs1: nicely said!!!!!!! You just keep working on yourself in the positive direction!

    Timing has nothing to do with anything. Life comes at us on its own terms not ours. You will have to decide what your choices will be when someone comes across your path as they will with you. You can't make someone else see feel or understand what you want. You can only put it out there and see what choices they make.

    Premise's I don't subscribe to: Time heals all wounds: That is passive not active. Put a butterfly bandage on a severed femur artery time won't heal it. Just look at the alcohol sales, glass coffin bars, psychotic drugs prescribed each year ( billions of $). I know to many friends that live in their past pain, they don't want to heal. They would have to make a choice.

    Hate to say this but I also agree with JP icon_eek.gif

    Wishful thinking isn't going to change anything.
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    Oct 02, 2009 6:12 PM GMT
    bryanc_74 saidWhat do you do about a relationship that, in every other way, was really good, but in one "temporal fatal-flaw" fails (i.e. right guy, right place, wrong time)?


    Were that the case, I would say pursue him again in the future. But the relationship wasn't great with the exception of timing. Time is just a fantastic excuse for an endless variety of reasons. How long did you have this relationship for? You say it wasn't long, but you also don't specify. Were you dating for a few weeks? Were you dating for a few months?

    It very well could be he wasn't into you and poor timing was just the excuse. It could be that this guy is fucking batshit insane crazy and used this as an excuse. It could be that this guy had feelings enough for his ex to dump you but didn't have strong enough feelings to go back on the market dot, dot, dot.

    Either way, you can wait around for him to get his shit together in hopes that he genuinely still had to sort out his life in the wake of this break up. Or, you can put yourself back on the market and stop playing house with someone who isn't there.

    also what is this?
    bryanc_74 saidI confess to breaking the "no contact rule" once, and didn't get a response, so I'm just keeping my hands off and giving him a wide breadth of space.


    What is this rule you speak of? Did he ask you to not speak to him again?
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    Oct 02, 2009 6:56 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidEach situation is different.

    The guys who don't want another relationship after ending a previous one should be commended for knowing exactly what they want. They want to be single and need time to reflect and learn from that past relationship. Some people like to call this "baggage", but I call it wisdom and learning before you dive into another relationship. Its an honest attitude that not only works for him, but also is considerate of the other guys feelings too (not wanting to lead him on).

    Simply filling the so called void is not an option.

    I look back at the guys who wanted a relationship with me when I didn't because I was not ready, I can't help but think about something else. If he was really really into me...and that means he understood and respected my feelings, reservations and fears.........he would have addressed those concerns head on and showed me that he was "different". He could have made special efforts to reassure me that he was patient and aware.........and demonstrate that there would be positive healthy benefits to sticking around.

    Its a fine line between being a pest and being rspectfully assertive when you go after someone/something that is truly worth it. But you have to show the other guy things about yourself that communicate safety and security.....true kindness and love........rather than "here I am let's be lovers".

    People are understandably cautious but i think if more guys were proud and eager to show off their inner good qualities and how they differ from the all the sheep out there, more people would stick around with each other.



    You have many good points here and I agree with some. It is definitely wisdom when the guy is assertive and upfront in stating that he just needs time to heal from a previous relationship. It's something entirely different when the guy gets involved with you (or the OP in this case) and after some time in the relationship tells you that it's bad timing. That's pretty whack!

    Another thing, It would seem a little unhealthy to approach relationships with the "prove to me that you're different" attitude. Everyone is unique in there own way. The older I get the better my relationships get and the one thing that I've found to be the most rewarding approach is to let the past be exactly that.
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    Oct 03, 2009 1:56 AM GMT
    Munching: I didn't want to get into a whole lot of specifics, but we only dated for 2 months. I'm not sure how it's relevant though, as I have very close friends who became that way after only knowing them for a couple of weeks and people I wouldn't give the time of day to after seeing them every day for 11 years.

    I agree, there are a myriad of possibilities as well. And this thread is just about one of them.

    And the "rule" is just the general guideline that most "counsellors" encourage after a break-up. He never said he didn't want to hear from me again. I just know that there are many people who subscribe to it.

    Ultimately, I think I will move on. I'm still processing/feeling through it.
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    Oct 03, 2009 2:02 AM GMT
    If you can't be friends first, or after, then you can never be good lovers. It takes effort on both parts to want to keep each other in your lives.
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    Oct 03, 2009 12:45 PM GMT
    Roccoe:

    I completely with you, "Timing has nothing to do with anything. Life comes at us on its own terms not ours. You will have to decide what your choices will be when someone comes across your path as they will with you." His choices were basically immature, but I was willing to pay that price of admission. I just didn't know I could until the bomb had already gone off.
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    Oct 03, 2009 3:57 PM GMT

    Ditto with Roccoe, "Timing has nothing to do with anything. Life comes at us on its own terms not ours. You will have to decide what your choices will be when someone comes across your path as they will with you."

    This why we get a little itchy when we see topics where people state formulas for when to move in together, or say things like "What you're in love after only 6 weeks?" etc etc etc.

    Love has no schedule.
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    Nov 25, 2009 9:50 PM GMT
    Just as an update and as a "thank you" to everyone who tried to help me out with their advice.

    I ended up seeing a counsellor for a while because I really couldn't make up my mind whether to move on or hold on.

    Three weeks ago, I realized that the ex still had a textbook of mine that I needed back for work, so I e-mailed him to get it back. No answer. So I called his cell and left a message. No answer. I called his parents' place to leave a message. No answer, but found out from his parents that he had bought a new phone. Called the new phone and left a few messages, no answer. Finally, left a fairly irate message on the new phone and got a text message back:

    "I've moved and I can't find it"

    Now, I knew he had moved out of his parents' place (which is where he moved to after he and his ex-husband broke up) 5-10 days after he dumped me. No surprise there. So I sent back a text message:

    "The last time I saw it, it was in a cloth bag with some papers from your research"

    And then a second one:

    "The replacement cost of this textbook is 190 dollars"

    About a half hour later, I got a response:

    "We'll have another look and if it's found T*****, my fiancee can drop it off at your office."

    And then my head exploded.

    The nearest I can tell, he moved out 5-7 days after dumping me into this T's guy's home and got engaged less than 3 weeks after dumping me.

    I'm not upset that he was seeing someone else really. We never negotiated a monogamous relationship and I wasn't getting ready to ask anyone to marry anyone. I just wish he had told me, "I've met someone else and I think I'm in love with him and want to pursue it." I would have been sad and disappointed, and probably thought he was a bit of an arse, but not a liar and would still have thought of him as a generally okay person instead of the CA-RAZY person I think he is now.

    I hope I never have a story as bizarre as this one. But I thought you might get a chuckle out of it.

  • josephmovie

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    Nov 25, 2009 10:22 PM GMT
    My condolences - but hey, that is one great party story!
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    Nov 25, 2009 11:06 PM GMT
    Isn't it, though? icon_smile.gif