Moving in with an ex while dating a new bf

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 4:16 PM GMT
    Ok...I am at wits end here between my current bf and my ex...it's getting a bit tense.

    For background purposes, my ex and I dated between 2004-2006ish...and we have remained almost best friends since then despite him cheating on me to end the relationship. I have forgiven him, and he knows more about me than my own family. It was a situation that we both realized it was better to be friends then to be bfs. So he's been someone I go to or talk to; and he does the same since we went out separate ways as bfs.

    So I didn't date anyone for the last 3 yrs...and finally i meet someone this past summer. SOmeone I could really picture myself with. And being that my ex and I are best friends, I decided to start including him and my current bf when we would go out for drinks or to eat dinner with a group of friends.

    I had been dealing with being laid off, and being back at home with family, I was desperate to move out. So I decided that I move into a family property and pay half the rent. While things were just starting with my current bf, I still was apprehensive on moving in so soon; so I decided to have my ex (now my best friend) move in with me to help pay the rent.

    However, this has caused a firestorm with my current bf (who can be short tempered). And he wants to cut off the relationship cause he doesn't think I understand what I am doing - and he believes it just isn't right what I am doing. I keep telling him that my ex and I are friends only - and if we had wanted to do something we could have done something before I met him a few months ago. My ex feels bad; and I can't ask him to just move out cause my current bf has insecurities.

    However, my current bf is asking all his friends and people he's close to, and they are supporting him...saying there is something not right or "fishy" with that living arrangement. And I am innocently moving in to deal with my independence and survive during this recession. I know my current bf asked to move in, but I told him it was too soon...and I'm sure he got offended. Yet he doesn't understand i like to take things slowly...and inf fact, I moved out to have the freedom to see him more often without family being around. And the ex is not even an ex-factor in my book anymore, just long time friends. Yet, I regret even using the term ex with my current bf cause that's all he sees.

    What can I do to fix this - if it's even possible??
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Oct 06, 2009 5:55 PM GMT
    Uh, my thinking tends to be pretty independent, I generally don't care strongly about social norms, I disregard 'rules' that others take for granted, my reasoning process & pragmatism sometimes leads me to make and defend decisions that everyone I know sometimes call "cold, insensitive, emotionless." So coming from there, I can 'understand' why you might choose as you have to move in with your friend/ex... but even I 'know' that you don't get to move in with the "best friend" you used to be fucking and then wonder "what's the big deal" when your current boyfriend gets peeved. I don't really understand or much care for how/what "normal" people think, and even I can tell you how much that would bother pretty much any normal boyfriend. They're going to see you 'shacking up' with the ex-- not the 'best friend,' the ex-boyfriend-- and for all your protestations of innocence, they're going to be suspicious and jealous and go a bit nuts over it.

    What are your options? Well, you could re-think your plan and try to find another roommate to move in with instead... someone you didn't used-to-sleep-with... that might alleviate some of your current boyfriend's anxiety icon_confused.gif It would accomplish that even more effectively if the roommate was unattractive... or a girl... or an unattractive girl. And suddenly I understand why so many gay guys I know who've slept with (almost) every other gay guy in town and avoid straight guys lives with unattractive girls... Or the other obvious possibility is that you hit the Reset button, break up with your current bf and make sure that when his eventual replacement (if any) comes along, you either find someone secure/dispassionate enough not to be bothered by your deviant living arrangements, or someone slow-witted enough that you can keep the full context of your relationship with your ex/bff/roommate a secret from them to avoid drama... though-- disclaimer-- I believe common wisdom is that that would make you a lying bastard unworthy of a new bf. Although, if you break up with the current boyfriend, maybe you'll be inspired to move in with him instead. And I imagine numerous in-between options exist too, but I'll be late for work if I sit here and try to list them.

    In any event, if you don't get what all the fuss is about, then your thinking is even more alien than mine. I mean it, I don't 'get' people but I get your bf's reaction to this and if I can understand his position and sympathise and say "sure, his feelings are defensible," they've gotta be pretty frikken' elementary.
  • imperator

    Posts: 626

    Oct 06, 2009 6:10 PM GMT
    Oh, addendum!: For more on why your arrangement might seem amiss, take a moment to reflect on how many (if any) of your former-couples-turned-roommates have "relapsed" versus how many haven't. Because I only know two former-couples who lived together for any period after breaking up... they both either got back together (only to eventually break up again) or at least had sex again-- repeatedly even-- causing no end to drama when one of them tried to move on to a new relationship while he was still occasionally fucking his ex/roommate.

    People are creatures of habit, gravitating to the familiar and the comfortable, returning to familiar places and feelings. Knowing this, as most people do on some level, of course your living with someone you were in a relationship with is going to bother a new bf who feels they're competing with everything that brought you and your roommate together as a couple in the first place, and keeps you 'together' as friends even after breaking up. It sucks but it's easily understood psychology.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 6:10 PM GMT
    I'd dump you too.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 06, 2009 8:02 PM GMT
    Really? .... Like you didn't think your BF would care if you were living with an Ex?
    How's that possible?
    You might know that there's nothing btw you and this guy
    but your BF doesn't
    You might think that you're "best friends" with your Ex
    but your BF probably thinks that's a problem

    .... rethink your priorities
    esp if you think this BF has staying power
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 8:29 PM GMT
    What the fuck were you thinking? Asking your ex to move in with you. I'd dump you for being stupid.

    I understand finances can be an issue, but, your ex was the last person you needed in close proximity.

    Clearly, you weren't thinking clearly.

    Did you consider all the complications of having your ex living with you? Golly, now you have yourself a mess which could have been easily avoided with some common sense.

    You'll just have to do your best to workaround it. If you get dumped, move on, and learn from the experience.

    You get the Dumb Guy of The Day award. Why on earth would you do that to yourself and your new boy friend?

    Sure, all things making sense, it could work, but, sounds like you're all a bit flaky.

    Give it your best shot. It's nothing we can fix for you here.

    There's not much you can do to fix it either, other than asking all the parties to endure, and be adults. If they don't, can't, or won't, well, cut your losses, and move on once you guys get through your lease, or you, or the ex, find a different place. Not much you can do. Your ex didn't mess up. Your boy friend didn't mess up. You messed up. No matter what you do at this point, someone gets their feelings hurt, unless they're rational adults. Of course, you knew that before posting the topic. I gotta' believe you're not that dumb.

    Now if your boyfriend doesn't trust you, that's dysfunctional.
    If your ex was dumb enough to move in with you, that's dysfunctional.
    If you don't have any other friends than your ex and your boy friend, you're dysfunctional.

    It gets down to who is going to be the least messed up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 8:31 PM GMT
    even if you mean no harm from it, your hurting your relationship

    I know if I moved in with my ex girlfriend, who's now practically my sister, my boyfriend would hate it and put a huge strain on our relationship
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Oct 06, 2009 8:47 PM GMT
    Well, amid everyone else telling you that you're in the wrong...

    You did stop dating 3 years ago. If you've never relapsed since you ended things, then I think you're far enough into ex hood that your boyfriend should be able to handle this. That is, if you can say honestly that you haven't been carrying a torch for the ex.

    It's normal that he'd be upset at first, but ultimately it's not up to your boyfriend of a few months where you live, though I am assuming you and the ex would have separate bedrooms.

    It all comes down to a matter of trust. If your boyfriend doesn't feel he can trust you around your ex, that's a much bigger problem than a living arrangement.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 8:56 PM GMT
    haha, you owned yourself.

    = fail

    you loose, nobody wins.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Oct 06, 2009 9:41 PM GMT
    I don't personally think you did anything stupid or are in the wrong.

    To be much more practical, I think you have to figure out what you can do now.

    Will your friend stay friends with you if you ask him to move out?
    If he will, why don't you do that?

    Will your boyfriend stay with you now if you don't ask your friend to move out?
    If he won't, then it sounds like you have to decide between your friend (who happens to be an ex), and your boyfriend.

    I don't think anyone here knows which is the better choice, regardless of what they say.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 9:52 PM GMT
    Let's face it, this comes from trust issues.

    Sex with an ex is an obvious problem, emotionally reconnecting with him is another. To you, he might be a friend now, but not that long ago you were dating (and for 2 years). There's quite a bit of investment there. Plus you refer to him as your ex and not your friend.

    Refusing him the possibility to move in, even if you are thinking of your relationship, will have caused security issues as well.

    I think it's normal his reaction. You just need to prove that your ex is a friend a nothing more.
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Oct 06, 2009 11:14 PM GMT
    Wow your current boyfriend seems a bit whack. Lol of the day goes to norms of society. For some reason "ex" is a really powerful impact, as if the ex in actuality is the evil stepmother in Snowwhite. Sure some people relapse into their past loves, but I can usually distinguish if there's a possibility for that to happen or not. The bond in your current relationship is also a huge factor of course and if you truly love your boyfriend, emphasizing that you do is pretty much the only thing you can say. In my opinion, part of a relationship is trust. If he can't trust you then... what more can you do? If it continues past that it also sounds like he might be one of those overly jealous people who won't let anything slip.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 11:31 PM GMT
    People are throwing the 'trust' word around, and it's driving me nuts. I wouldn't trust you either... how long have you been together? Since the summer? A whole 3 months doesn't exactly give you the time to build a stable foundation of trust.

    All he knows is that you chose to move in with your ex over him. If he's been hurt or betrayed in past relationships that will only make things worse. The last thing he'll want is to relive something like that, and/or risk making the same mistake twice. And you have to admit, it definitely sounds like a red flag.

    I understand your reasons - money's tight, he's your friend (ex) and you're comfortable with him. And yes, I agree it's way too soon to room with your current significant other. Sounds like bad timing all around.

    What's done is done, and now you're just going to have to try to explain to your current bf the reasons why you did what you did, and basically prove to him that he can trust you. He'll either accept it or he won't.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 11:46 PM GMT
    Yup, you're pretty much a jackass dude.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 11:46 PM GMT
    Yup, you're pretty much a jackass dude.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 11:46 PM GMT
    If you have your reasons for moving in with your ex, then those are your reasons and noone can make you feel bad about them.

    However, if I were your current bf, I'd be a bit pissed as well. He's trying to get to know you and potentially build a life with you and you're bringing your ex with you and him when you go for drinks and stuff and now you're moving out with him again. Yeah, I'd be a bit pissed as well. It's hard getting to know someone, and it doesn't make it easier when you're having to go up against an ex who is held in such high esteem. If I were your bf, I'd probably regardy ou as too much effort and end it all now.

    Sadly, I think you need to make the decision as to who you want in your life. And by the way you've described your ex and the way you describe your current bf, I think you've already made that decision.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 11:48 PM GMT
    Should I keep going? Tehehe
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 11:51 PM GMT
    You have gotten exactly what you deserve on this one. Best bet? Move and start over in another town. You're already in too deep.
  • nadaquever_rm

    Posts: 139

    Oct 06, 2009 11:57 PM GMT
    A 3-years-ago-ex is not really an "ex" anymore. You two are clearly just friends (unless you've been getting your freak on and not telling us).

    You did nothing wrong other than not discuss these moves with your current bf first, which makes it look as if you're hiding something. Just talk with him now. If you're both reasonable, it'll all work out.

    If one or both of you are unreasonable, the relationship won't last no matter, so don't sweat it.
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    Oct 07, 2009 12:13 AM GMT
    Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Even though you guys dated and obviously broke up and have remained friends doesn't hide the fact that he's an ex. He's an ex on friendly terms but nonetheless still an ex, which means if he's living with you you'll be subjected to some rather annoying things that happened way back when and you'll have to deal with his attitude and whatever else he decides to bring along and he'll have to deal with yours too.

    Not to mention that there's the possibility of old flames that supposedly died down being rekindled since you'll be in close quarters and on top of that you have a BF and your ex might not like seeing or hearing some things in his place of living. I'm not being a pessimist nor will I try to sugar coat it and be optimistic about something like this. I'm just being realistic and giving you an honest opinionated answer that weights out the odds and ends of things based from the information you've given.

    The conclusion: Don't do it. You'll be setting yourself up only to be brought down and brought down hard. I don't know what type of person you are but after hearing that you forgive him for cheating on you I would say it will be an emotional downfall for you. You also have to consider how your current BF might feel about this. If he's saying it's ok then he's clearly not ok with it. I know I wouldn't want my bf living with his ex with whom he chats to and is literally all buddy buddy with. It doesn't paint a pretty picture and given the fact that the ex will be living with you and knows a lot about you and what buttons to push. HELL NO.

    You can call it overprotective, jealousy, paranoid, whatever... its just doesn't seem right for you be living with him and if you value your friendship along with your current relationship you will not venture down this path.

    I say remain friends and just friends but not roomies considering you situation.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 07, 2009 2:15 AM GMT
    WOW, so much fear in this thread..

    you been friends since breaking up 3 years ago.. so your friends..

    You boyfriend needs to ya know, grow a pair, grow up and start learning to trust you and himself.

    yeah he's got a small right to be pissy but he should get over it and quickly.

    If he can't understand your just friends (and you are both seriously just friends) he needs to go sort out his own trust issues.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 07, 2009 2:32 AM GMT
    It sounds like a made for TV drama but I don't think you did anything wrong here. I lived with an ex for several years once because I knew that he was reliable. Shit, it's hard finding a roomate you can trust. Why not move in with your best friend? No harm in that. You just need to sit and talk with your new boyfriend and assure him that it's the past. He's feeling insecure but it's probably because he likes you and doesn't want to get hurt. If he doesn't get over it, he's probably one of those control freaks that you need to stay away from anyway.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 07, 2009 3:56 PM GMT
    joeyveras saidIt sounds like a made for TV drama but I don't think you did anything wrong here. I lived with an ex for several years once because I knew that he was reliable. Shit, it's hard finding a roomate you can trust. Why not move in with your best friend? No harm in that. You just need to sit and talk with your new boyfriend and assure him that it's the past. He's feeling insecure but it's probably because he likes you and doesn't want to get hurt. If he doesn't get over it, he's probably one of those control freaks that you need to stay away from anyway.


    Did you have a bf at the time or were you just dating different guys. The thing is the guys bf wanted to move in with him as well and he chose his "best friend/ex". I think that is where the real problem is. He should have waited and for sure should have checked with his bf before making a quick decision.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 07, 2009 4:08 PM GMT
    and the dumbass award goes to this guy who started the thread (: seriously
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 07, 2009 6:46 PM GMT
    I would dump both of them and move on the next life. It is too drama for me