Frustration with men...

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    Oct 06, 2009 11:47 PM GMT
    Hello all. So I am going to join the ranks of the dozens and dozens of guys who complain about not finding anyone decent to date.

    Most people will say, if that's a problem you are having, take a good look at yourself. Well, I have. And sure I have problems, but it seems that everyone else I've dated has much much bigger fish to fry. My biggest issue is an excessive anxiety about getting sick and dying or being incapacitated. It's not something that interferes with any of my friendships or possible relationships. And as far as relationships go, I am laid back, easy going, non-aggressive and I try hard to stay away from game playing. Some have told me I am too permissive, actually. I can be moody at times, but I'm very aware of my moods and I do my best to tell people nicely that I am not feeling great and that I am just gonna lay low until the mood passes. I dont take my shit out on other people. I am a good balance of outgoing and shy. And I am nurturing, I like to take care of people.... maybe that's why I attract head-cases (that's my clinical term for it). If anyone is self-aware, its me.

    I cannot seem to find guys who want to be monogamous, who are honest and up front about their feelings, who aren't drama queens with no frustration tolerance, or most upsetting, 30+ and still using recreational drugs.

    I've had guys tell me to loosen up, stop being so uptight etc. I guess I am uptight in that I find some behaviors unacceptable, period. I think its ridiculous for grown men to be in clubs on Ecstasy, Tina, or god knows what else... not only is it bad for you, but its a sign of some psychological issues too.

    Anyway, my search for quality seems to leave me at a dead end. It just seems like dating is a vast wasteland. lol. A tundra of men who have all joined manhunt because the challenge of finding someone special has left them burned and too tired to try again. I see all these guys on here who see happy and in monogamous relationships. And at 24 (almost 25), never having had an LTR is frustrating, to say the least. it feels like a "red flag" or a scarlet letter upon me. I've only been out for a couple years. It would be nice to just have the experience, because I feel ready to embark on that journey.

    Sometimes, when looking at all sides of the picture, I wonder if its me, if I am unattractive or something. I am most attracted to the blone/blue eyes type guy, and they are the ones who seem to ignore me the most. The last issue for me is that I have a hard time not being 'liked'... I was always a loser growing up, so once I got over a lot of my insecurities I felt more free to express myself and it turns out that people in general like me. I am not conflictual and I dont treat people like shit.

    Anyway. I'm sure lots of people have similar experiences and perhaps some decent advice... lol...

    And I'm sorry for the lengthiness ..... icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 06, 2009 11:57 PM GMT
    OMG! you're almost 25!.....It's OVER! What type of flowers do you want? Oak, Pine, walnut, Ash?, Cremation? ..OK?

    Really, diversify your activities and your friends, be out and honest and open to "blind dates" or what ever....kiss a few frogs..god knows I have and STILL DO! You'll be OK. and it hits in the least likely time and location..so stop worrying!icon_cool.gif
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    Oct 07, 2009 12:14 AM GMT
    You have my sympathy. Dating is difficult. Finding someone you click with on all the important levels (looks, personality, temperament, morals/values) narrows down the dating pool quite a bit. Then throw in the fact that gays are already a small minority and it makes meeting the ideal mate seem impossible sometimes.

    I've dated and had relationships that lasted from a couple of months to a little over a year. One had the potential to be an LTR but life, college, and career was taking us in two different directions geographically.

    Sometimes I consider that I might be too picky about trivial things, but I agree with you 100% on drug use. I would never go out with someone who uses drugs. That's just an instant deal breaker for me.

    I'm still holding out hope.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Oct 07, 2009 12:36 AM GMT
    Dating sucks. Some guys in their 40s have never had LTRs. I'm not naming names... You seem like a catch. You're young, you look really attractive in your pics. But, if you're constantly finding guys into the drug culture, I wonder where you're meeting them. Not all gay men are into recreational drugs. Maybe you need to find other ways of meeting men to date. Join some organizations, join a book club, volunteer for a museum.

    Maybe you need to lower your standards a bit? Take some dates with some guys you might not normally date. It's not like you're locked into sex with these guys. Maybe you'll make some friends and their social circles will open you up to a new group of quality guys to date.

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    Oct 07, 2009 12:52 AM GMT
    Never LOWER your standards, but maybe CHANGE some of them....
    Get off of MANHUNT.....it is only for hookup's not LTR's....
    BTW...you are a good looking guy so no it isn't your appearance, just maybe your geography....put yourself in a "target rich environment".
    Be open to someone a little older or younger, someone with more or less (body?)hair, maybe a bit shorter or taller, or a little less perfect build, etc. I am with you on drug use...NO WAY..NONE!, The other ABSOLUTE unmovable is a NON SMOKER...it is a total deal breaker for me.
    Get out and try a bunch of activities and be yourself! Be open, out and honest...be FUN! FUN is attractive...light a light for moths! people want to be with fun!
    It will happen, have confidence and be confident. icon_cool.gif
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    Oct 07, 2009 1:10 AM GMT
    The only way to avoid frustrations with a person is to ALWAYS be honest with yourself and with THEM!!! but make sure you NEVER EVER NEVER lower your standards, in other words never compromise your set of values!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Oct 07, 2009 2:35 AM GMT
    Sporty_g saidReally, diversify your activities and your friends, be out and honest and open to "blind dates"


    This. It seems like you keep fishing in the same pond(s). Meet new people make friends. Let yourself be set up on dates.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Oct 07, 2009 3:11 AM GMT

    frustrations with men? how about ... the closer you get to some of them ... the more they wish to push you away or keep you at a distance. almost to say " I'd rather you not see my imperfections up close. " I'm not one who believes in swooping down and wrapping my world around someone. I think they should be free to be with me (or not). basically, I'm finding that there are so many good men out there in the world ... but connecting with one ... is proving to be " painfully suspenseful. "
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Oct 07, 2009 3:25 AM GMT
    I don't think it's you, although you seem a little snobbish.
    But your choice of dogs is definitely scaring the men away.
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    Oct 07, 2009 3:35 AM GMT
    Hey ZbmwM5,


    This may feel a little off topic, but this," My biggest issue is an excessive anxiety about getting sick and dying or being incapacitated."

    could be explored and confronted with this, "And I am nurturing, I like to take care of people...'

    Have you ever thought of getting into care of people who are sick, dying or incapacitated? You could be a natch for it, because you have insight into their fears, and the desire to nurture, which I think is more powerful a thing than your anxieties. I say this because I feel when you do this it will show in ways that others may pick up on. Those that do could be just the ticket for you.


    -Doug
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    Oct 07, 2009 4:22 AM GMT
    Not another one!!!! What is the current life expectancy of a modern gay male these days? 29 years?
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    Oct 07, 2009 5:10 AM GMT
    Aww Z,

    Don't let the blues get you down. Sounds like you been let down recently and I sorry to hear that. Sometimes the guy may be good but not good for you. I do think trying to find a young blue-eyed blond that's faithful in D.C is like trying to find a unicorn. j/k LOL

    I do agree with Eric LA that you should change where you meet guys out at. Have you ever considered concerts, or street fairs?

    Another thing stop over analyzing something that is not under your control. It's just how you look at the situation.If you want to change anyway think about, being the type of person you would like to meet.

    Sometimes when a person walks out, a new a better match walks in.Try to surprise yourself sometime.

    I wish you the best Z I know the universe has something awesome waiting for you.
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    Oct 07, 2009 5:15 AM GMT
    sydney_cider saidNot another one!!!! What is the current life expectancy of a modern gay male these days? 29 years?


    Yea admitting that you hit 30 is social suicide in gayland.

    Seriously ZBM, I feel your frustration. It's tough out there. I think that in order to meet healthy people, you have to look for them in healthy environments. It's hard because you're not just going to volunteer, walk into a bookstore, or join a sports league and bam there he is! Live life and someone who you can share it with will pop up somewhere along the way.
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    Oct 07, 2009 5:26 AM GMT
    I find it tough to date guys with dogs. They can't be away for longer than 4 hours and then when they try to bring them along its another set of issues.
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    Oct 07, 2009 6:02 AM GMT
    hate guys some times i want to punch them to shake the hell out too much bs, why is so hard to find some one decent,honest,and w / o drama why?icon_cry.gif

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    Oct 07, 2009 9:28 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saidI find it tough to date guys with dogs. They can't be away for longer than 4 hours and then when they try to bring them along its another set of issues.


    Let's not forget when the dogs jump up on the bed or just stare
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    Oct 07, 2009 12:47 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidI find it tough to date guys with dogs. They can't be away for longer than 4 hours and then when they try to bring them along its another set of issues.


    Haha... lol... well if that's a dealbreaker... then I dont know.... I guess I'll be single for another 12-15 years.

    Lucky for me I can leave my dog for 6-8 hours, because he's bigger than a little Yorkie or something....
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    Oct 07, 2009 1:44 PM GMT

    hey ZbmwM5,

    "I guess I'll be single for another 12-15 years. Lucky for me I can leave my dog for 6-8 hours,......"


    Oh no you won't.
    There are lots of guys that love dogs, and I found that a man that loves animals has two pluses.

    1 - you get to see how he treats something that loves him completely.
    2 - you get to see him love.

    -Doug
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    Oct 07, 2009 8:12 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    hey ZbmwM5,

    "I guess I'll be single for another 12-15 years. Lucky for me I can leave my dog for 6-8 hours,......"


    Oh no you won't.
    There are lots of guys that love dogs, and I found that a man that loves animals has two pluses.

    1 - you get to see how he treats something that loves him completely.
    2 - you get to see him love.

    -Doug


    ha, yeah I agree.

    I was being a little sarcastic there icon_smile.gif

    If a guy cant handle the fact that I have a dog that needs to be cared for... well... then I guess that's that. Anyone who would make me feel guilty for taking good care of my dog... I would consider selfish and stupid. lol.
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    Oct 07, 2009 8:23 PM GMT
    25 and yet to be involved in a serious relationship? Take heart, kid...there's nothing to be ashamed of in that. Some of our best self-discovery happens in the absence of other all-consuming relationships, and that, in turn, leaves you in a better position to meet the considerable challenges of a long-term relationship, if and when that should come around. People naturally crave companionship, but too many people seek out the company of others at the expense of truly knowing themselves...and that's the real pity.

    Keep a good head on your shoulders, be patient, and keep your standards...because if you don't have standards, you won't know the right guy when he comes along, anyway.

    As for the animal thing...well, my cat and parrot knew my boyfriend was the right one before I did.
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    Oct 07, 2009 8:28 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidI find it tough to date guys with dogs. They can't be away for longer than 4 hours and then when they try to bring them along its another set of issues.

    Having a dog tells you the following about someone. He:
    1) likes to give and receive affection;
    2) is willing to commit to something;
    3) accepts responsibility for something.

    All good qualities. Don't see the dog as a rival, see it as a sign that it might be worth your while to overlook the scheduling issues and get to know this guy.
  • fitnfunmich

    Posts: 181

    Oct 07, 2009 8:41 PM GMT
    The First Rule of Relationships is that you can never actually look for a relationship.

    The Second Rule of Relationships is that a relationship involves more than just you.

    I could go on, but I suspect you have already been guilty of violating Rule 1 and Rule 2.

    Would love to go into more detail, but since I am not a verified member here, am not wearing Prada today, and don't drive a Porsche then I suspect you might pass my comments by.
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    Oct 07, 2009 8:54 PM GMT
    Another way to look at it is that people who have good dating skills have dated a lot and have had many LTRs before finding the "one" and settle down for good. You don't get good at something unless you have a lot of practice. If you haven't had the chance to practice until you're old because of "standards", you've missed out. By then you have much reduced opportunities to even try.

    When you're in the 20's, trying to have a LTR that will last to the end of your life is premature thinking. It just doesn't happen that way. Loosen up, be brave enough to jump into a LTR that feels right right now. Don't over-think it. Life is wasted when you spend it all on thinking instead of doing. "No pain, no gain" can be applied to dating: avoiding heartbreaks now will mean loneliness when you're old.

    As others have advised, you do need to broaden your horizon as to who are your types, and you do need to change your social venues to meet fresh, different guys.
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    Oct 07, 2009 8:56 PM GMT
    MtndudeSF saidAnother way to look at it is that people who have good dating skills have dated a lot and have had many LTRs before finding the "one" and settle down for good. You don't get good at something unless you have a lot of practice. If you haven't had the chance to practice until you're old because of "standards", you've missed out. By then you have much reduced opportunities to even try.

    When you're in the 20's, trying to have a LTR that will last to the end of your life is premature thinking. It just doesn't happen that way. Loosen up, be brave enough to jump into a LTR that feels right right now. Don't over-think it. Life is wasted when you spend it all on thinking instead of doing. "No pain, no gain" can be applied to dating: avoiding heartbreaks now will mean loneliness when you're old.

    As others have advised, you do need to broaden your horizon as to who are your types, and you do need to change your social venues to meet fresh, different guys.


    This is great advice, thanks for that. icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 07, 2009 8:57 PM GMT
    fitnfunbitch saidWould love to go into more detail, but since I am not a verified member here, am not wearing Prada today, and don't drive a Porsche then I suspect you might pass my comments by.


    Did someone say catty?

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