My boyfriend is confused and depressed

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    Oct 08, 2009 11:18 AM GMT
    At the moment i am reali confused, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, nad he is going thru depression. I dont know how to handle the situation, but Ive told him that /i am going nowhere and will be there for him. The problem is, that he is so down, that he says he isn' t even sure if he wants to be with me,and says that he feels guilty about being gay. but he hopes that things will work out, and we can go back to being a happy couple. I love him very much and I know he loves me. He has become very distant and it feels as tho he is shutting me out completely. He says that he doesnt want to break up, coz he is scared that he makes a mistake by letting me go!

    I reali dont know wot to do...
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 08, 2009 2:26 PM GMT
    Is he in counseling?
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    Oct 08, 2009 2:36 PM GMT


    "The problem is, that he is so down, that he says he isn' t even sure if he wants to be with me,and says that he feels guilty about being gay. but he hopes that things will work out, and we can go back to being a happy couple. I love him very much and I know he loves me. He has become very distant and it feels as tho he is shutting me out completely."


    It feels like there's missing pieces (info) in there.

    IS he getting professional help?

    -Doug
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    Oct 08, 2009 3:22 PM GMT
    Hey Fox,

    That's a tough situation for both of you to be in. I will echo the query - is he in counseling? I've had times in my life when things were very emotionally difficult, and that made me question a lot of things. It might be important to ask, or at least gain some insight on this question.. For him, which came first, the depression or the uncertainty of your relationship?

    In the past, I became depressed when I realized that I didn't want to be with someone that I cared about greatly, because I knew that we were really on 2 different planets. Relationships like that can cause depression. So that might be something worth looking into. The guilt thing, however - that I can relate to even more closely, and the only thing I can say to that is that he really does need counseling. That is of utmost importance.

    all the best..
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    Oct 08, 2009 3:27 PM GMT
    foxsuperstar saidAt the moment i am reali confused, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, nad he is going thru depression. I dont know how to handle the situation, but Ive told him that /i am going nowhere and will be there for him. The problem is, that he is so down, that he says he isn' t even sure if he wants to be with me,and says that he feels guilty about being gay. but he hopes that things will work out, and we can go back to being a happy couple. I love him very much and I know he loves me. He has become very distant and it feels as tho he is shutting me out completely. He says that he doesnt want to break up, coz he is scared that he makes a mistake by letting me go!

    I reali dont know wot to do...


    If there has been a death in his family recently or some type of personal disaster and it is less than 7 days then things should be fine. However If he has been in this state for more than 7 days you need to get him to see a professional immediately. If he won't go on his own or balks at going, make an appointment for both of you and go.
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    Oct 08, 2009 3:35 PM GMT
    This is a tough situation bud. My suggestion is to just give him room to breathe and at the same time lots of love. Show, not tell, him that you are very much in love with him and want to help him through this tough time. It is very possible that he simply wants out but at the same time cares so much that he does not know which way to turn. In order for him to figure this out he needs some quality self time to think about the big picture. Always try to include him in what you do but at the same time do not sell yourself short. If you ask him to do something with you that you really want to do then you should make the best decision to do it without him or not at all. I am sure you are very smart and know whats best for you but when all else fails you must at least keep yourself happy!
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    Oct 08, 2009 4:01 PM GMT
    His issues are not new and he needs to see a professional because you are not qualified to help him. At some point you also have to think about your mental health as well. This can be very emotionally draining on you.

    Like one poster said I would just make an appt for yourself and seek tools on how handle someone who is chronically or clinically depressed and chances are he prolly needs to be on meds. It could be a chemical imbalance but you won't know until he's screened by a professional.

    If he refuses to go then you are faced with making a hard decision.

    Good Luck.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Oct 08, 2009 4:09 PM GMT
    foxsuperstar said... I [really] don't know [what] to do...


    ... if you truly love someone ... either stand up and communicate the honest truth to them or be willing to let them go if that means putting the other person first. " love, " as you have called this with your bf ... is not about being selfish. there are elements of pure selfishness and idle fear in the op. discover what your best options are after meditating over issue mapping and conversing with your man.
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    Oct 08, 2009 4:32 PM GMT
    Not much more I can add to the good advice already given. Depression is insidious, and therapy/meds can help.
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    Oct 08, 2009 5:00 PM GMT
    Depression is really a tough challenge to overcome and can take a real toll on both people in a relationship. Just over a year ago, my (then) partner and I went through this. He was very confused, had a "fling" with some guy and stormed out on me twice telling me he didn't love me anymore. He quit taking care of himself and I had to watch as someone I love spiraled out of control. It feels like being in the cockpit of a commercial jet and watching another jet spiral out of control headed toward a crash. You feel helpless and the only thing you can do is pray for the souls on board.

    This impacted me because up until this episode began, I had no idea that things were this bad. He had effectively hidden it from me. Needless to say, I first fell apart totally, then began to question my own sanity and stability, my self worth and at one point my deisre to even go on. Fortunately, I had a Psychiatrist who was a friend of my boss who very effectively stepped in and helped me immensely. I had to deal with the grief over what happened and do so in a way that didn't further the damage. In short, it was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do bar none. My doctor's advice regarding my (then) partner was "Hold on loosely, but don't let go" and "Let love do what it does". He didn't guarantee results, but assured me that in so doing I would be OK. You must take care of YOU first, selfish though that may sound.

    What I saw in my (then) partner was a combination of sadness, anger and pure black rage boiling not so far beneath the surface. He believed and still believes that "Happiness is a luxury" (that is a lie - pure and simple) and that somehow instant gratification in some way will lead to fulfillment. He became a person I didn't know and frankly didn't like very much. As an escape, he made up fake personalities and went on line teasing and e-mailing people from CraigsList and multiple gay sites, describing in detail the filthy sexual things he wanted to do. I happened upon the e-mails when he used my computer and was sickened to the point I threw up. The self-destruction that this depression was suggesting was and is truly frightening. Then there was the addiction to pornography. That killed the intimacy between us and once healthy intimacy is gone, it opens the door to a lot of sadness.

    He worked some with a counselor, but never really has invested in his own recovery. Nobody, not a counselor, not a pastor, not a parent or a partner can help a depressed person who does not want to help themselves and who will not commit to getting better. Now, he has good days and bad. He uses money as an excuse to be angry, claims he doesn't know who he is, and at times tries to go out and be someone he isn't. One thing he truly isn't is happy - ever. He is a friend to me, and I still care enough to try to help him as I can, but I cannot and will not be sucked in to his self-destructive cycle of misery and gloom. The only thing I can do is pray that someday he allows the sun to shine on his face, and that he loves himself enough to allow himself to be loved.

    My advice for you as someone who has battled with this is to first off, take care of yourself. Be supportive of your partner, but don't get sucked in to the vortex of depression. Talk to professionals yourself and open the door to him getting help. One other thing that my Doctor said was critical is to be an example of healing - you hurt because of this - but you can heal and be positive and optimistic. There is hope for both of you. This doesn't need to be a relationship wrecker - you can come through this and be stronger together than ever. It'll be tough, but worth it. My very best to both of you.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Oct 08, 2009 5:09 PM GMT
    You're doing your part. Be his rock. Depressing can cloud so many things. He's not thinking clearly. You need to try to convince him to seek professional help. Given how serious it sounds, he should at least go to a psychologist opposed to a therapist. I'm not the biggest advocate for anti-depression meds, but he might need them. You might know the best way to convince him to do this. He could resist, especially if he's feeling hopeless. You might try the approach, "You don't like feeling this way, do you? Don't you want to feel better? If your body was in this much pain, wouldn't you see a professional about getting it treated? This is the same thing. What you're feeling doesn't have to be permanent."

    If he still says know, there's little you can do. Be there for him, but as said above, you're only responsible for your actions, not for his.

    Eric
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    Oct 08, 2009 5:22 PM GMT
    What do you mean he has depression?

    Does he have clinical depression, where he gets spells of it regularly? Or is he presently depressed without a medical cause?

    If it is the first, you need to be a good friend and make sure he gets appropriate treatment. If it is the second, then you two have issues to work out together; treat the cause and not the symptom.

    But, it sounds like he has issues, regardless, and could use some time with a counselor and support group.
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    Oct 08, 2009 9:01 PM GMT
    Like many have said in this thread, I would get him some counseling and most importantly of all let him have his space if he asks for it but do constantly remind him if he needs to talk you will be there to support him and listen to him.

    If I were you I would also get to the bottom of the issue of why he is depressed. It could be something like his family not accepting him being gay or even something like a toxic work environment where being gay is bashed on. Or it can be any number of things.

    If its a matter of family or work issues, Id definitely let him know hes not alone.

    I just want to add that you shouldnt try to shoulder his entire burden yourself, i cant stress that enough *no pun intended* helping someone with depression takes a collective effort from friends and family as well, with a good enough social support he can pull through.
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    Oct 09, 2009 7:22 AM GMT
    Hi again guyz,yeah, he has been going to a therapyst and has been on meds for bout 3 weeks. yesterday we had such a huge argument and he said sum nasty things. I feel like I dont know him any more. He told me if I cant handle ' The Break' , then we should just quit completely. He has sooo many issues, depression, denial bout being gay, deat of his dad and loosing his business. We broke up in august, but he told me that he DOES love me, and we tried to give it ago. In that time he started seeing a therapist and is on medication. But we argued alot, I just felt as tho I was being kept around, altho I was aware that that was not the case, but still caused arguments. There is absolutly nuthing wrong with our relationship.The strange thing is that it all started in a matter of days. i know this person he has become, isn' t him. Like I said, this is the man I want to spend my life with, and I know deep down he feels the same. He has stopped all contact with me and asked me to leave him alone, and says that when I sms or call him, he feels like more down. Im not sure if hes pushing me away to protect me?! He also comes up with all these excuses, and blames me for sum of the problems.My head is totaly f****d. mainly cause I know he does love me. I have now relised that if I can have a chance with him, I need to leave him alone. Guys, do u think that things like this work out in the end?
    Its just that taking a break is bloody hard -p. If we had a bad relationship, I guess it would make sense, but the only reason we were arguing alot is because of the actuall depression. I used to blame myself, because alot of the time I felt like sumthing is wrong with me. I couldve left a long time ago, but realised that it wasnt him, it was this depression that caused it. I just hope that he realises that too,coz at the moment he feellike the realationship ' died out' , but saus he is speaking to his therapyst bout that. Ive realised that he has pushed me away, to ' fix' himself, and I cant put preasure on him, as that will only push him away. I just get so p...sed of with myself, coz I know how things are between us, but my mind starts playing games. He would' ve told me to push off long ago had he not loved me. Just last week we saw 2 old gay guys, and he said to me " thats us in 20 years' , and I think that shows sumthing. Its just riding this out thats the hard part. My close friend told me I need to look at it as him being " sick" ( like swine flu ) and I need to give him space to recover. That helped me alot too. I just want to say thanks again guys.




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    Oct 09, 2009 7:28 AM GMT
    hockeynick79 saidHey Fox,

    That's a tough situation for both of you to be in. I will echo the query - is he in counseling? I've had times in my life when things were very emotionally difficult, and that made me question a lot of things. It might be important to ask, or at least gain some insight on this question.. For him, which came first, the depression or the uncertainty of your relationship?

    In the past, I became depressed when I realized that I didn't want to be with someone that I cared about greatly, because I knew that we were really on 2 different planets. Relationships like that can cause depression. So that might be something worth looking into. The guilt thing, however - that I can relate to even more closely, and the only thing I can say to that is that he really does need counseling. That is of utmost importance.

    all the best..


    Id say the "confusion" of being gay came first, and came over nite!!
    One day things were perfect, the next, felt like a nightmare! Then came the depression. I think hes always been a bit depressed,(by always I mean since I met him). After that it seemed that he was blaming it on me and the relationship.
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    Oct 09, 2009 7:32 AM GMT

    Hey foxsuperstar, Bill's gone to bed so it's just me, Doug.


    The meds (if they're antidepressants - SSRIs) can easily take 6 weeks before big benefits show up. Stay the course - steer clear if he needs that.

    big huge hug - Doug of meninlove


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    Oct 09, 2009 12:59 PM GMT
    I was going to originally give you a very BS response, but now I'm embarrassed because I chose to get a little personal with this one.

    So I'm the one thats bi-polar in my relationship and we've been together for 2 years now too.

    Just recently when I am getting sick, I get selfish. I become immensely lonely and I even start contemplating cheating because I feel like I need more everything. More space from my partner, More time with my partner, Attention from more men. More time to sleep, more time to do stuff. The slightest thought of anything compromising on my part drives me mad when I am slipping.

    And suddenly my boyfriend, the man of my life, who I couldn't imagine doing without, starts to seem more like a burden, like an immense obligation that I'm just not ready to have while battling with such complex emotions.

    Years of dealing with this however has taught me how to cope and deal with my emotions in a better way. Unlike many people, I am quick to voice my emotions, but also just as quick to make sure my partner knows whether its how i really feel, or if I am just having an episode thats affecting my thought.

    But I have found that things that i feel are limiting, that I am sort of trapped in, will become vastly more apparent if i am ever feeling depressed. I just feel trapped and held back and it can be awful.

    Which is perhaps one thing that I am more secretive about, because
    there are times when this is happening that honestly, I wish it was ok with my bf for me to see other people. As terrible as it sounds, that would truly make everything so much better. I love my bf to death, he makes me so happy, so i don't understand why when my body chemistry is getting embalanced I suddenly crave such things.

    My boyfriend could never possibly entertain such an idea and would probably assume that me asking for such an arrangement would mean I didn't really care about him and he would want to break up. I don't want to lose him so I never ask and I never act it.

    But with that comes a great deal of shame. I feel selfish and it makes me question if we should be together if I could even have thoughts that like this. When you are sick, you have a hard time deciding what makes you you. Is it your actions that determine who you are as a person, or is it your thoughts?

    I love my bf so much, I won't ask him for a break. I won't ask him to allow me to occasionally see other people when I suddenly feel like i need to. But as awful as it sounds, I know I would if he was 100 percent ok with it and it wouldn't change the way he looks at me.

    But once again, this only happens when i am sick, but i know it must be the representation of some inner most desire.

    I am telling you about this, because what good is the internet and chatting with we are not open our stories and our battles. Hopefully by reading this you can get a feel of the mixed feelings of greed, selfishness, fear and obligation that your partner may be dealing with while sick.

    If your bf asks for a break, give it to him. If you can't handle it, I stongly agree with him, you should break up with him. As terrible as it sounds its that simple. Perhaps in some way he wants you to free him because he's craving more and unlike me, doesn't care enough to ignore it anymore.
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    Oct 09, 2009 6:22 PM GMT
    Ask him to go to a therapist, counselor for some emotional in-depth counseling. From your post, I gathered that he's depressed because he's not fully accepted the fact that he is gay? Well, it's not really your problem, every gay man has to come to his own term of sexuality, maybe he just needs time, be there for him but keep your friends, normal life routine normal, too. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 09, 2009 6:42 PM GMT
    Get him to atleast just go talk to a someone.

    Boy could use some Prozac too
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Oct 09, 2009 6:58 PM GMT
    foxsuperstar saidHi again guyz,yeah, he has been going to a therapyst and has been on meds for bout 3 weeks. yesterday we had such a huge argument and he said sum nasty things. I feel like I dont know him any more. He told me if I cant handle ' The Break' , then we should just quit completely. He has sooo many issues, depression, denial bout being gay, deat of his dad and loosing his business. We broke up in august, but he told me that he DOES love me, and we tried to give it ago. In that time he started seeing a therapist and is on medication. But we argued alot, I just felt as tho I was being kept around, altho I was aware that that was not the case, but still caused arguments. There is absolutly nuthing wrong with our relationship.The strange thing is that it all started in a matter of days. i know this person he has become, isn' t him. Like I said, this is the man I want to spend my life with, and I know deep down he feels the same. He has stopped all contact with me and asked me to leave him alone, and says that when I sms or call him, he feels like more down. Im not sure if hes pushing me away to protect me?! He also comes up with all these excuses, and blames me for sum of the problems.My head is totaly f****d. mainly cause I know he does love me. I have now relised that if I can have a chance with him, I need to leave him alone. Guys, do u think that things like this work out in the end?
    Its just that taking a break is bloody hard -p. If we had a bad relationship, I guess it would make sense, but the only reason we were arguing alot is because of the actuall depression. I used to blame myself, because alot of the time I felt like sumthing is wrong with me. I couldve left a long time ago, but realised that it wasnt him, it was this depression that caused it. I just hope that he realises that too,coz at the moment he feellike the realationship ' died out' , but saus he is speaking to his therapyst bout that. Ive realised that he has pushed me away, to ' fix' himself, and I cant put preasure on him, as that will only push him away. I just get so p...sed of with myself, coz I know how things are between us, but my mind starts playing games. He would' ve told me to push off long ago had he not loved me. Just last week we saw 2 old gay guys, and he said to me " thats us in 20 years' , and I think that shows sumthing. Its just riding this out thats the hard part. My close friend told me I need to look at it as him being " sick" ( like swine flu ) and I need to give him space to recover. That helped me alot too. I just want to say thanks again guys.


    Good that he's been on meds, but if it's only been 2-3 weeks, they probably haven't really taken affect yet. And they might be completely effective if the dosage isn't quite right.

    I feel for you. But, you have to be strong. You know he loves you. In many ways, this relationship depends upon your patience. Only you can decide how long to keep in this relationship. It sounds like there will be a lot of challenges along the way. Therapy and the anti-depressants can only do so much and won't be a cure all, but hopefully will make his issues a bit more manageable. You're friend is right, you can look at your partner as if he's fighting some chronic disease, because that's what depression is. It is a disease of the mind and soul, and potentially as damaging as any medical condition. You are a caregiver. And the role of a caregiver can be stressful. But there are also rewards. If you haven't already, you should get some therapy too. Trying to sort out your own emotions in this can be pretty tough. A professional could help bolster you when you're down, or help you realize if time comes to end your relationship. Either way, you should have support, too.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 09, 2009 7:03 PM GMT
    foxsuperstar said
    hockeynick79 saidHey Fox,

    That's a tough situation for both of you to be in. I will echo the query - is he in counseling? I've had times in my life when things were very emotionally difficult, and that made me question a lot of things. It might be important to ask, or at least gain some insight on this question.. For him, which came first, the depression or the uncertainty of your relationship?

    In the past, I became depressed when I realized that I didn't want to be with someone that I cared about greatly, because I knew that we were really on 2 different planets. Relationships like that can cause depression. So that might be something worth looking into. The guilt thing, however - that I can relate to even more closely, and the only thing I can say to that is that he really does need counseling. That is of utmost importance.

    all the best..


    Id say the "confusion" of being gay came first, and came over nite!!
    One day things were perfect, the next, felt like a nightmare! Then came the depression. I think hes always been a bit depressed,(by always I mean since I met him). After that it seemed that he was blaming it on me and the relationship.


    Sounds like clinical depression. He should continue with seeing a Good therapist, and anti depr.meds take a month of more to start working. Give him space support love - It's all you can do right now! Good Luck.