Are these liabilities?

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    Oct 09, 2009 5:43 AM GMT
    Hello everyone. I hope this thread finds you well

    The guys I've been talking to recently are usually older than me. They happened to enjoy conversing with me and are looking for a relationship the thing is, while they may like me as a friend they wouldn't so soon consider a long-term relationship with me. Even some of the younger guys I've talked too say the same thing.

    I thought it might have something with my personality until I realized that all of them have already been in relationship before. More importantly they've claimed to be in love and their extra years of life make them more aware of their expectations for newer long-term partners.

    I'm not in a rush for a relationship (even though if would be nice to be in one) but I need to know from your experience, would you start a long-term relationship with someone who has:

    1. never been in love
    2. never been in a relationship

    Do you think that my inexperience with love and life poses too much of a liability for anyone?
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    Oct 09, 2009 1:30 PM GMT
    Would you write a novel with someone who has never written a sentence?

    Humans are not born knowing what it is they want in a relationship or even how to be in a relationship. It is a learned skill. As such, I don't think most people are really capable of being in a long term relationship right out of the gate.

    But, this is a bizarre line:
    tryingtolive saidwhile they may like me as a friend they wouldn't so soon consider a long-term relationship with me.


    If you are just kinda friends with these people, why would a long term relationship even be something to consider? You shouldn't even consider a relationship before dating these people. You shouldn't consider a long term relationship before having a short term relationship. You don't buy a car without taking it for a test drive first.
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    Oct 09, 2009 3:05 PM GMT
    I don't meet a person and decide instantly whether they are short term material or long term material (or no material). That sort of thing gets decided as you get to know someone. It takes time.

    I would be more inclined, if there were sparks between myself and someone who has never been in love or in a relationship, to take things much much slower. I was my ex's first boyfriend and while I wanted to take things relatively slow, he wanted to jump right in. He wanted to tell me he loved me within like the first week of knowing me. He was confusing lust with love. Those sorts of things one (hopefully) learns after a few trial and errors.

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    Oct 09, 2009 4:28 PM GMT
    Relationship is not quite like buying a car either. You don't make a decision on whether to have a relationship. It happens. You can make a decision to start dating someone, or to hang out together, the rest happens if there is chemistry.
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    Oct 09, 2009 4:41 PM GMT
    MtndudeSF saidRelationship is not quite like buying a car either. You don't make a decision on whether to have a relationship. It happens. You can make a decision to start dating someone, or to hang out together, the rest happens if there is chemistry.
    That's understanable. But what if the person you dated doesn't want to start a relationship because of inexperience, despite actually having good chemistry with me?
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    Oct 09, 2009 4:56 PM GMT
    tryingtolive saidThat's understanable. But what if the person you dated doesn't want to start a relationship because of inexperience, despite actually having good chemistry with me?


    It is called letting you down gently. No one wants to say "I don't want to date you because your voice is irritating, I think you are dull, you dress weird, you have no sense of humor". Those are confrontational and a bit hurtful. It is easier to make it about some other issue: I am not ready for a relationship, you are too young for me, I just have too much on my plate right now to date.

    These are excuses that take the focus off why you do not meet their needs and puts the blame on external things. Oh, he could genuinely have some issue with your experience that is making him ignore your chemistry (did the two of you have chemistry or were you just getting high huffing his fumes?). But, this smells like he is letting you down gently.
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    Oct 09, 2009 4:56 PM GMT
    tryingtolive said
    MtndudeSF saidRelationship is not quite like buying a car either. You don't make a decision on whether to have a relationship. It happens. You can make a decision to start dating someone, or to hang out together, the rest happens if there is chemistry.
    That's understanable. But what if the person you dated doesn't want to start a relationship because of inexperience, despite actually having good chemistry with me?


    You mean he wanted to have sex but not to have a relationship? Sexual chemistry is just one kind of chemistry, there are other aspects, temperamental, personality etc. If he doesn't want to hang out a lot with you or have long conversations then you really don't have enough chemistry together. Another possibility is that he's not ready to be tied down by a relationship.
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    Oct 09, 2009 5:49 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie said
    tryingtolive saidThat's understanable. But what if the person you dated doesn't want to start a relationship because of inexperience, despite actually having good chemistry with me?


    It is called letting you down gently. No one wants to say "I don't want to date you because your voice is irritating, I think you are dull, you dress weird, you have no sense of humor". Those are confrontational and a bit hurtful. It is easier to make it about some other issue: I am not ready for a relationship, you are too young for me, I just have too much on my plate right now to date.

    These are excuses that take the focus off why you do not meet their needs and puts the blame on external things. Oh, he could genuinely have some issue with your experience that is making him ignore your chemistry (did the two of you have chemistry or were you just getting high huffing his fumes?). But, this smells like he is letting you down gently.
    I hadn't even really considered that MunchingZombie. I guess it can be a case that sometimes we don't always mean what we say. In this case, my inexperience could be something else that I'm not seeing in myself. Thank you for your input