A snooping boyfriend....

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    Oct 09, 2009 12:42 PM GMT
    I am in a relationship of 3yrs and during this time, we have encountered trust issues that I thought were behind us. My boyfriend has a tendency to look through my phone and computer if he feels uneasy about something or thinks I'm up to something (which I'm not). We've had discussions about this and he even suggested I password my stuff to keep him from looking. Well...I took his advice and did just that. Now, I have nothing to hide but I hate to feel like my privacy is being invaded for no reason. Once he realized that I put a password on my phone and computer, he asked why I did it. I explained because he suggested it and because I didn't like my privacy to be invaded. He states that being in a relationship means that you have access to everything. I completely disagree with this....Your thoughts? Does being in a relationship mean that you give up everything?
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    Oct 09, 2009 2:39 PM GMT

    We'll wade in. Your topic was sitting here all by its lonesome. icon_wink.gif

    Every relationship is a little different. We GAVE each other complete access.

    Then we GAVE each others' privacy back to each other.

    "Now, I have nothing to hide but I hate to feel like my privacy is being invaded for no reason."

    In our particular case, the need to make each other feel completely sure of each other trumped personal privacy boundaries as, well, neither of us had anything to hide and we wanted to avoid the place where you are now.


    In some relationships the two involved have very separate personal stuff. But that's because they both wanted it so. Common ground.

    Have you two thought of trying to resolve this with some kind of counseling?
  • JP85257

    Posts: 3284

    Oct 09, 2009 4:09 PM GMT
    If youve got nothing to hide........
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Oct 09, 2009 4:23 PM GMT
    kwcouple33040 saidI am in a relationship of 3yrs and during this time, we have encountered trust issues that I thought were behind us. My boyfriend has a tendency to look through my phone and computer if he feels uneasy about something or thinks I'm up to something (which I'm not). We've had discussions about this and he even suggested I password my stuff to keep him from looking. Well...I took his advice and did just that. Now, I have nothing to hide but I hate to feel like my privacy is being invaded for no reason. Once he realized that I put a password on my phone and computer, he asked why I did it. I explained because he suggested it and because I didn't like my privacy to be invaded. He states that being in a relationship means that you have access to everything. I completely disagree with this....Your thoughts? Does being in a relationship mean that you give up everything?


    Have you recently done something to make him not trust you?
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    Oct 09, 2009 4:40 PM GMT
    You are your own person. You have a right to some privacy. If you want to ruin a relationship, you try and take away your partner's privacy. Here is what your boyfriend is telling you:

    BoyfriendI don't trust you at all. I need to know who you call, what websites you visit, where you are, etc. Because any second you are not being watched you are doing something wrong.

    I trust you so little I will suggest you put a password to prevent me from snooping and then yell at you for it.

    I trust you so little I will TELL you what is acceptable in this relationship. It is not up for discussion.


    If I were you. I would sit down with him and tell him he is being an immature ass. I would tell him that after three years his lack of trust is undermining the foundation of the relationship. He is the one with the problem. But, you can't expect him to be a sane human being overnight. A compromise of sorts, such as phoning, emailing, or texting him at a certain interval when you are neither at work or with him. Talk with him and find some way of both maintaining your privacy while working towards him actually trusting you.

    If he is unwilling to budge, the relationship has serious problems.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 09, 2009 5:01 PM GMT
    That is an invasion of privacy
    and you have every right to tell this BF to keep away from your stuff

    If you have had "issues" in the past I hope that it wasn't that someone cheated on someone else
    because if it is you've made your bed
    but if no one has cheated this guy is wrong

    What I would do is set him up icon_cool.gif
    I would get some hotel bills .... or some bar chips and leave them around
    and then just let him stew icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 09, 2009 5:29 PM GMT
    You don't say how old your boyfriend is, if he has been burned by dishonest relationships in the past, or even if you're living together. This may have a bearing on his perception of "unlimited access" to your privacy.

    However, this is in fact his problem, not your's. You need to sit him down and tell him you feel as though he doesn't trust you, and this is having a serious effect on your relationship. You are not making the same demands on his privacy (as it sounds like you are not engaging in the same sort of behaviour), and if he wants this relationship to continue, he is going to have to make a genuine effort to deal with his insecurities.

    And yes, if he doesn't get it under control, you should seriously think about ending things. I was in a similar situation with a now-ex, and it only got worse when we moved in together. He refused to admit it was his issue, and would try to make me feel badly about it being about it all being MY fault for "encouraging" those feelings in him.

    Best of luck to you both. Let us know how things work out :-)
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    Oct 09, 2009 5:58 PM GMT
    My bf is 44 and we do live together (we did the lesbian thing and moved in right away). He has been burned by two other relationships and frankly, he needs to move on from those situations and if possible, learn from them.

    As far as one of us being dishonest, he wasn't upfront about some things when we started dating but we worked on those issues and I told myself "if you choose to stay in this relationship then you have to trust him otherwise move on". It just doesn't seem like he's willing to do the same thing. But I know relationships take a lot of hard work and effort.

    I wasn't sure if maybe it was insecurity or a control issue. I don't want to feel guilty for password protecting my things but the very thought that he would go through my privacy makes me feel shitty.
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    Oct 09, 2009 6:15 PM GMT
    Does being in a relationship mean that you give up everything? Short answer: no. It means being willing to give up some, but it also means never being asked to.

    You and your boyfriend need to sit down and have a chat. Yes, it's important to be open and honest in everything. However, it's equally important that you feel trusted and honored. I once spent five months in a relationship with a guy who constantly worried I would cheat on him and leave him. Guess what I finally did? I didn't cheat, but I dumped his insecure ass, and for no other reason than the fact that his mistrust stifled my ability to connect with him.
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    Oct 09, 2009 10:15 PM GMT

    kw this, "As far as one of us being dishonest, he wasn't upfront about some things when we started dating...."

    ...so it could be he has unresolved issues with with being dishonest with you, anticipating you'll one day do the same as he did...just a thought.

    You guys could really benefit from a little professional relationship counseling - go together!


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    Oct 09, 2009 10:23 PM GMT
    kwcouple33040 saidI am in a relationship of 3yrs and during this time, we have encountered trust issues that I thought were behind us. My boyfriend has a tendency to look through my phone and computer if he feels uneasy about something or thinks I'm up to something (which I'm not). We've had discussions about this and he even suggested I password my stuff to keep him from looking. Well...I took his advice and did just that. Now, I have nothing to hide but I hate to feel like my privacy is being invaded for no reason. Once he realized that I put a password on my phone and computer, he asked why I did it. I explained because he suggested it and because I didn't like my privacy to be invaded. He states that being in a relationship means that you have access to everything. I completely disagree with this....Your thoughts? Does being in a relationship mean that you give up everything?


    Wasn't it bait he dangled in front of you to use a password after the fact? You had to figure you were in a no win situation if you did use a password since he's a snooper. Instead of playing along or creating more drama just get rid of the password and point out to him he's not happy either way and he's being ridiculous. Ask him if he'd like to stand next to you and hold your cock while you piss and measure the size of your shit the next time you take a dump. Just let him know he's beeing stupid and you've had enough.

    Do I think that being in a relationship means you have to give up every thing? Maybe the word is compromise. As I suggested above you could go the angle of making them look foolish by one day laying out your bank statements, all your passwords, your phone records, every one in any address books you have and also include a daily Itinerary. Give him a kiss on the cheeks and smile and ask him if he'd like to sit down on Mondays and keep sharing all these things with one another. At some point it should click to him how stupid and invasive he's being.
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    Oct 09, 2009 10:29 PM GMT
    Being in a relationship does not mean you have free rain to everything each other does. That's just rude.

    Feeling as vindictive as I am at this moment I'd be inclined to make him have real suspicions.. but of course you shouldn't really do that I suppose.

    Anyway, if he wont come to reason you'll be stuck with the passwords but you should spell it out to him that you've lost trust in him, he might think on only this small thing, but I'm betting it's running deeper then that now.. or it at least did for me.

    JP85257 saidIf youve got nothing to hide........

    why are you still wasting space with your existence??
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    Oct 09, 2009 10:33 PM GMT
    from my experience the people who trust less do so because of their own behavior, so they expect the same from you. you have a right to your privacy, you are still an individual, and he has to respect that. if he doesn't then find out why and if your privacy is important enough to not be with him.
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    Oct 09, 2009 10:34 PM GMT
    Hmm. This is a toughy. I'm pretty open about certain things. Heck my parents and sister and brother and I all know each other's passwords to lots of things (mostly financial). If i got mail and one of them were to open it up - I wouldn't be bothered. Now with the phone - none of them would dare touch it.

    I was in a long relationship where we had complete access to most things - but not to each other's emails. Then again - you can create multiple email accounts if you wanted.

    I know people who say their friends grab their phones and just look at their texts. To me that would be like grabbing a stranger woman's purse and just going through it. She'd probably bitch slap you. However, if that woman was your wife - then I'd hope you wouldn't have to ask her permission to go into her purse for something.

    However, to me - the whole point would be the reason for doing something. If he is going through your stuff with a purpose - as in to find something specific he requires - then that's fine, but if he is just going through it to be nosy because he has trust issues - then that is unacceptable.

    With me - people ask me all sorts of things about life, etc and I choose to respond by determining if they are genuinely curious because they are interested and they care - or are they just asking because they're being a nosy. The latter would be where I would draw the line.

    It's one thing to be completely open access because you don't care and are very comfortable with each other and another thing to demand open access because you distrust someone for no reason. I'd almost be inclined to deny access out of spite until they learn to deal with themselves. But also this would depend on the relationship.

    What's the line from Love Story - "love means never having to say you're sorry"? Well, being in a relationship means never having to ask for permission. lol. By that I mean, you should be able to live your life and do what you want without having to ask - hey may i go have a drink with my friends without you? May I make a phone call and not tell you?
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Oct 09, 2009 10:45 PM GMT
    well I think if you have nothing to hide or to worry about then don't fret

    It is kind of sad but ppl kind of have to have suspicions and have to somewhat check up on ppl, so many people cheat and lie so how can you be 100% trusting anymore, maybe im just bitter icon_razz.gif

    If it bothers you then talk to them and show them that you are not doing anything wrong
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    Oct 09, 2009 11:10 PM GMT
    What I take from my own relationships: open access is important in a stable relationship. There shouldn't be anything to hide. On the other hand, neither partner should be that nosy about the other's business. Everyone is a bit insecure, you can't expect complete nonchalance about the possibility of cheating. On the other hand, both partners should understand that if someone is determined to cheat, he will succeed (unless you physically restrain his freedom). It's really a question of the heart: do I trust his integrity enough to be vulnerable to his actions? If not maybe you shouldn't have this relationship in the first place.
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    Oct 10, 2009 12:25 AM GMT
    jackofhearts46 saidfrom my experience the people who trust less do so because of their own behavior, so they expect the same from you.

    I second that. He doesn't trust you, because he doesn't consider himself trustworthy. Maybe he is considering the things himself that he accuses you of.
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    Oct 10, 2009 12:30 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the great feedback! This is definitely a work in progress. Dumdedum hit the nail on the coffin by saying that if we are in a stable relationship then I shouldn't have to feel uneasy about asking if I can have a drink with a friend for the fear that he'll feel left out because I'm not inviting him as well. We spend a lot of time together and I enjoy those times but I feel its important for us to have our own friends and to go out and hang out with them without the other from time to time. There are many time when I feel suffocated. I'm not saying to make it a daily or even a weekly thing. I'm committed to make this work and I believe that sometime in the near future that counseling would benefit us. Thanks guys!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 10, 2009 1:43 PM GMT
    My bf and I have been involved in mostly a long distance relationship for 11 years. It works for us for a number of reasons, trust being at the top.

    In a relationship, a couple has different "layers" of trust. To start with, he lives 100 miles from me.... there isn't anything that I can do if he wants to be unfaithful, but I think it goes beyond something that large.... it starts with
    treating your bf with the degree of respect and trust you want to be treated.
    Plus, it does help when both parties really aren't into being "distrustful"...

    My bf maintains a bedroom here for his clothes and personal effects. I don't
    go into that room with much regularity and certainly never look through his stuff. I know the same consideration is granted me.... our relationship wouldn't last long if he didn't.

    My suggestion is to have a major conversation about trust related issues. Ask him about his history (if you don't know it already) and talk about why it is so important to you. It all starts with communication. Good luck there.

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 10, 2009 1:46 PM GMT
    Another View:
    I had been dating this guy for like 3 years. I had originally set up his yahoo email account so I knew the password. One of the women I used to work with was having prbs w/her man. She looked in his phone and found he had been seeing this other chick on the side. Her insecurity had kind of infected the rest of us on the team and I looked in M's email and low and behold there were picts of him fuckin this guy that was NOT me, BAREBACK. The date on the corner of the pict & matched the creation date of the jpg file and it was at a time when I had been out of town.
    When we had been dating a year or so, (long before any of the events above) I gave him a list of passwords and accounts in case anything happened to me. So he had complete access to all of my emails, cellphone records and various credit card accounts.
    When I got home after the trip where I found the picts I asked him if he wanted to look at anything in my accounts. He said no. So I asked him if I could look at his stuff. He kinda got uncomfortable and asked me why I wanted to see. I just said he had been having prbs setting up his junk mail filters and I just wanted to see if they were working alright, (kinda a bullshit reason I know). I let it go and a coupla days later I left me computer on and had the picts set as a slide show screen saver, (got this idea from GG). Oh man, what a reaction that got...
    I guess this is why I believe in complete visibility just like our gvt should be.
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    Oct 10, 2009 2:16 PM GMT
    There is a lot of distrust out there, a lot of dishonesty out there... It's cumbersome. You say he's been burned before, twice and that he needs to move on and learn from it. That takes a hell of a lot longer than 3 years, believe me. Especially if he's insecure to begin with.

    I'm not condoning his actions, just pointing out the easier said than done side of it. What he's learned from those past relationships is that there are certain behavioral cues that he must have seen in you, and it's now freaked him out. In a way it looks like you kind of set yourself up for this too.

    I'm not saying you don't deserve your privacy, but you've now taken something that he's had free access to (and used) and now put up a wall saying "you can't go there". Naturally his immediate thought is you have something to hide, whether you really do or don't. And really... what can be so private about phone or email that your partner of 3 years can't read it? Seems a little trivial to me, but hey it's your privacy.

    Clearly you two need to have a very long chat. If you still want to be with him - ask him his fears, and what he thinks is going on, and what you can do to prove to him there is nothing. If this is just way too much and you don't want to be with him... well then dump him and move on.
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    Oct 10, 2009 2:26 PM GMT
    Wow, I completely disagree with your boyfriend too bud. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're not entitled to privacy. Just like sharing bank accounts man I hate that. You still have your own life outside of a relationship. The point of a relationship is sharing your life with someone else, not giving them access to every single thing. I was in a 2.5 year relationship, and it didn't last partly due to trust issues. I'm not sure what happened to cause these issues but apparently he's not over it. If he can't trust you, then for him, he shouldn't be with you or make the decision to step back and regroup. I'm sure it's drivin' you nuts. You shouldn't have comprimised as much as much already have. Best of luck with that dude.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Oct 10, 2009 2:37 PM GMT
    My ex use to do those. I told him I dont appreciated it. He stop . Latter on I find out he is seeing another guy behind my back. He dont bother to check on me anymore since he no longer love me. There a saying in my country "Jealousy is a sign of love". When he dont bother anymore , that mean the love is no longer there.
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    Oct 10, 2009 3:00 PM GMT
    I don't think I could stay sexually attracted to a man who was acting like such a little boy.
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    Oct 10, 2009 3:11 PM GMT
    Wowerz...umm try getting out of that relationship, sounds like ur gettin sick of him, and he may have cheated alreadyicon_exclaim.gificon_eek.gif