Coming out to Mom.

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    Oct 10, 2009 1:55 PM GMT
    So I think I am going to do it today. I spent that past couple months coming out to siblings. I've had a boyfriend the past five. It's time.

    I am in Pittsburgh and the mother is in Ohio. Her birthday was this week and all the kids were going to go home, but that is falling through until next weekend. I'm going to go home anyway and have the chat (if I can grow the balls).

    I think I am going to frame it related to an uncle and break the ice by asking my mom if she thinks it is good that my gay uncle (through marriage, no blood relation) kept his sexuality a secret from his own mother, or if he should have been open about it?

    Any major red flags to warn me about? Does that seem reasonable? I can’t think of any way to bring it up that isn't painfully blunt.
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    Oct 10, 2009 2:02 PM GMT
    And I was given great feedback many months ago by caslon in this thread:

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/439083/


    Caslon9000Before you finally do get around to telling dear old mom, give some thought of your revelation from her point of view. For instance, it will mean no daughter-in-law and grandchildren from you. She may have had fantasies for years as she watched you grow up of what a love girl her handsome son will bring home some day and all the beautiful grandchildren she would get from you. ...pffffft! ....Gone! ....Of course, I dont know what else in your family situation might apply....like are you the only son? ...end of the line for the family name on your side. ...etc etc.... The point is be prepared to be sympathetic to issues if she expressed them....and be prepared to realize that if she reacts negativity to your revelation, it might not be your being gay that upsets her so much as the crashing of all these dreams.....and she might not even realize that is what is fueling her response.



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    Oct 10, 2009 8:39 PM GMT
    Dear original714:

    First, I commend you for having the desire to tell your mom. So many gay men and women never have the courage to be honest with their family (or themselves), which is pretty unfortunate.

    To answer your post, I think you need to start by talking about your life, your insecurities, and your overall reluctance to come out. In other words, you should not start by talking about your uncle. Ultimately, "coming out" needs to be a discussion about you and whether your mom can accept you for who you are.

    Perhaps you were reluctant to come out because of the way your mom and/or family thought of your uncle (i.e., maybe they've made some denigrating remarks about him). If your mom asks why you didn't tell her before, it would be appropriate to reference your uncle at that point. Otherwise, you're just going to have to be bold and blunt -- there's no easy way to do this (unless Hallmark has created an "I'm Gay" card.) icon_smile.gif

    At the end of the day, your mom probably already knows you're gay; mothers are pretty damn smart! It will definitely take her some time to adjust, but if she loves you enough, she will come around.

    Good Luck!

    David
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    Oct 10, 2009 10:22 PM GMT
    Well... at least your gift will be the most memorable. A nice big juicy heart-attack never goes out of style. icon_wink.gif
    -------------------------------------------------------
    Mothers are easier... usually.
    How exactly did your siblings take the news? (They are usually a good indicator of how your Mother might react.)
    Either way, chances are several birdies have already flown through her window.
    As for what Caslon said... gay men can still have children. So the thought of her losing her hope of having grandchildren are null? The only thing she is really losing out on is seeing you raise unexpected, perhaps unloved children.... but who wants that anyways?
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Oct 10, 2009 10:33 PM GMT
    give her time to accept it. she may not at first.

    also, she may "know" but "not want to know". icon_cool.gif
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Oct 10, 2009 10:59 PM GMT
    Your mom probably already knows are suspects it. That doesn't mean she will have easy time accepting it though. I think the thing is to just remember that you are gay and you had to go through a period with accepting it despite that fact, and you ARE gay. How crazy is that sounding? Imagine how hard it must be for someone to understand who is not even gay.

    In way dealing with coming out is like dealing with a death in the family because a lot of the preconceived ideas, hopes, and expectations about the future a person may have had will be gone or at least changed obviously, especially in regard to parents.

    I wish I could say it's just about you but it's not. Others have a process to go through as well usually, so just keep that in mind and try not to take it personally.
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    Oct 10, 2009 11:47 PM GMT
    Coming out to my Mom was pretty easy. She said she knew since I was four. When I asked her how she knew so soon, she said "Because when you played house with the neighborhood kids you always wanted to be the mommy."

    I do not know if any 'red flags' would make a difference. Once you begin the conversation, it is probably too late to back out. You will only leave her confused and wondering. While I had an easy time coming out to my parents, parents of some of my friends have taken it very hard. With time, nearly all of those parents eventually accepted it. I had a lesbian friend in college that wanted to tell her mother so I went home with her one weekend to be her support. Her mother took it very hard. She thought her daughter had brought me home to introduce as the new boyfriend. We were thrown out of the house and of course Jesus, Joseph, Mary, and God were brought up. And her mother hadn't stepped foot in a church in years. But now her mother is her biggest supporter. A few years ago we all went out to a gay bar to celebrate this friend's birthday and her mother came along dressed as Cher and jumped up in one of the cages on the dance floor to dance with the gay shirtless boys. All the boys loved her. I never expected her to embrace her daughter's lifestyle so much.

    So just give your mother the time she needs and she will eventually come around.
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    Oct 10, 2009 11:59 PM GMT
    since i told my mother that i was gay..well she found out by asking me....it was hard at first. She was livid mad with me. I dont know why though. I think she was mad because i didnt tell her as we have always been secret buddies. Over time things became normal..as she found out in july and now were back to being normal. But if you tell your mother, be prepared for some alienation for a couple of weeks. This will diminish over time as you are her child. And if she is really a caring mother she will accept the fact that your gay and move on with her life. Who knows she might surprise you and say "I knew" as mothers have a sick sense. But make sure you explain it to her and tell her it has nothing to do with her up bringing of you as they usually tend to think its their fault.
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    Oct 11, 2009 12:33 AM GMT
    Don't expect her to jump up and down for joy, cause it'll be a surprise. But, she will come around because as my mom said to me: "You're my son and I love you." Good luck with it! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 11, 2009 5:35 AM GMT
    uiucguy1983 saidDon't expect her to jump up and down for joy, cause it'll be a surprise. But, she will come around because as my mom said to me: "You're my son and I love you." Good luck with it! icon_biggrin.gif


    pffft- My mother just said, 'it's your life....' She was so apathetic.
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    Oct 11, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
    Success! I have a great story and a great mom whose first words were 'I love you no matter what" Now I am pissed; I agonized over this, lol. I am not really mad at all. I did start to cry when she told me she loved me, and then she held me called me her little boy, which makes me teary eyed now, lol. It was very healing for me.

    The fear of what could have been was so strong it really directed a lot of my life the past few years. There is a critical life lesson in here.

    I told her about my boyfriend and she looked at me and said 'Is this man coming to Thanksgiving?" I grinned big and said he was a great cook and she said "I cook Thanksgiving dinner... but he can bring something, like a stuffed turkey!" lol

    George
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    Oct 11, 2009 4:24 PM GMT
    That is very good news, George. I'm happy for you. I like to hear these kind of stories. A loving, supporting mother makes life so much easier.
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    Oct 11, 2009 4:28 PM GMT
    Congratulations! I am sure you will sleep well tonight.icon_wink.gif
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    Oct 11, 2009 4:56 PM GMT
    You've experienced one of the greatest episodes of weight loss that anyone ever could.
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    Oct 11, 2009 5:15 PM GMT
    George, coming out when you're young is such a great gift! I didn't come out until two years ago (age 52), and it was traumatic because I had tried to live up to everyone else's expectations, and people were hurt because of it.

    (see my profile, "about me" at http://gaywatch.com/diesel55/html)

    You can find a great guy, get married, and have a wonderful life. I know guys who have been together for 47 years, and still act like giggly little schoolboys in love. It's not unheard of!

    Congratulations and good luck!! Become the kind of man that you want as a husband!
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    Oct 11, 2009 5:44 PM GMT
    original714 saidSo I think I am going to do it today. I spent that past couple months coming out to siblings. I've had a boyfriend the past five. It's time.

    I am in Pittsburgh and the mother is in Ohio. Her birthday was this week and all the kids were going to go home, but that is falling through until next weekend. I'm going to go home anyway and have the chat (if I can grow the balls).

    I think I am going to frame it related to an uncle and break the ice by asking my mom if she thinks it is good that my gay uncle (through marriage, no blood relation) kept his sexuality a secret from his own mother, or if he should have been open about it?

    Any major red flags to warn me about? Does that seem reasonable? I can’t think of any way to bring it up that isn't painfully blunt.


    It's just your mom. Don't sweat it. It's not a big deal. She doesn't need you to tell her, but, if you wanna', go ahead. Save the drama for the stage.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Oct 16, 2009 1:21 PM GMT
    awesome. Good for you man!
  • Little_Spoon

    Posts: 1562

    Oct 16, 2009 1:22 PM GMT
    Sometimes the ones that love you will use what they know about you to hurt you.