am i taking the wrong approach on dates???

  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 4:44 PM GMT
    ive been on something like 250 first dates... usually coffee/lunch/drinks/etc... these are guys ive met off the internet, at bars/clubs and occasionally through friends/work/community/etc.

    however, i almost never have any interest in meeting up with these people after the initial meeting (which is why ive been single my whole life).

    here is how the date usually goes:
    -after basic pleasantries, i begin to ask them about themselves... where they're from, what they're doing, hobbies/interests/etc.

    -it usually doesn't take much prodding, as the guys i meet can blah blah blah about themselves for quite an extended period of time.

    -i expect (rightly or wrongly) that we are on this date because they have some sort of interest in me and therefore will eventually start asking me questions in an effort to get to know me better

    -this usually doesn't happen, so they just go on and on and on, and when they do reach a pause, they've been talking about themselves for so long about subjects that cannot even remotely be considered middle-ground, that i can't transition into another topic, since that would come off so awkwardly

    -so instead they fill the pause by talking more and more about themselves and this goes on through most of the date, which for me, is a bigger turnoff than leprosy.

    it has come to my attention that some people may perceive me to be reserved or quiet, but the truth is that as soon as somebody shows interest in getting to know me, i am more than happy to share myself. am i taking the wrong approach to dates?... or rather, why is everybody so fucking self-centered?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2009 4:51 PM GMT
    Let me tell you a secret....

    If you've been on 250 dates...

    then...

    it's not them at fault...

    IT'S YOU!

    Seriously, if you've been on 250 dates and not one of those dates has worked out then you need to look at the men you are selecting for your dates and why.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 4:59 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidLet me tell you a secret....

    If you've been on 250 dates...

    then...

    it's not them at fault...

    IT'S YOU!

    Get over yourself girlfriend.


    what does that mean? "get over yourself"?

    thank you, though, for the very constructive criticism
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 5:13 PM GMT
    jprichva said
    Hunter9 saidthank you, though, for the very constructive criticism

    I don't know how much honesty you're looking for.


    lay it on me
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2009 5:16 PM GMT
    That's quite a lot of guys.... I go on a first date maybe 8 or 10 times a year
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2009 5:23 PM GMT
    Hunter,

    I have some sympathy for your plight. Although I haven't had 250 (!) bad "first dates," I definitely have had similar experiences.

    I too ask them about themselves -- because I'm genuinely curious about them, because I want them to know I'm interested in them, etc. . .

    And I'm always amazed how, most every time, the guy talks just ENDLESSLY about himself and never shows any interest in anything or anyone else. . .

    I mean, just non-stop total ME ME ME ME ME

    It's horrible

    And when I try to inject something else. . . a different topic, or maybe something about myself that relates to what he's talking about. . .

    They act almost mad that someone else dared to get in a sentence. Like, how could ANYONE even momentarily interrupt such a fascinating monologue??

    So I see where you're coming from, I know the feeling.

    All that said. . . 250 FIRST DATES. . . god, that's a lot

    This is meant constructively: OK, sure, people who talk constantly (especially only about themselves) are to be avoided. . . but surely not EVERYONE acts this way.

    Is there maybe possibly anything that you're doing wrong? Seems like after 250 you'd find someone who's cool and fun and not totally self-absorbed. . .

    Again, meant constructively
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 5:29 PM GMT
    jprichva saidI have no idea what you're like in real life, but you come across on the forum as someone who is not much interested in other people. The list of your dislikes is long, the list of what interests or intrigues you is almost completely empty. You seem very judgemental, and turned off by a long list of things. I hate New Agey buzzwords, but the negativity is palpable.

    My most recent ex was very much like this, and over time it killed my interest in the relationship. Actually, he seems to have killed my interest in any relationship at all.


    i know it's convenient to assume i have the same negative traits as your ex, i really have no idea what you're basing this off of. what about me on this boards comes off as "not much interested in other people"? i don't think that could be further from the truth, but im always open to others' perceptions. and what is my list of dislikes? is this from a post ive had in the past? again, im just curious from what you base your post.

    you are probably right, that i am quite judgemental... guys that are self-centered, self-absorbed braggarts (and there are plethora of these types) mean nothing to me. those who are modest and have humility almost always have my respect
  • vindog

    Posts: 1440

    Oct 10, 2009 5:32 PM GMT



    You are dating people under 35.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2009 5:33 PM GMT
    what would happen if you became a little self-centered? when they go on and on about themselves you should start in..about you, just a thought?
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 5:33 PM GMT
    Littledude:

    No, not EVERYBODY acts this way... but that's the overarching theme of my failed dating life.

    and i am certainly open to the idea that im doing something wrong, that's why ive posted here... personally, i dont know what it could be.

    and you hit it on the head that i am asking about them because i am curious about them and that is how you further a "relationship" from it's infancy... but it has to be a two-way street. why would i want to be with somebody who just wants to use me as a means to dump his life's stories/issues/problems on?
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 5:38 PM GMT
    jprichva said
    Hunter9 said
    jprichva saidI have no idea what you're like in real life, but you come across on the forum as someone who is not much interested in other people. The list of your dislikes is long, the list of what interests or intrigues you is almost completely empty. You seem very judgemental, and turned off by a long list of things. I hate New Agey buzzwords, but the negativity is palpable.

    My most recent ex was very much like this, and over time it killed my interest in the relationship. Actually, he seems to have killed my interest in any relationship at all.


    i know it's convenient to assume i have the same negative traits as your ex, i really have no idea what you're basing this off of. what about me on this boards comes off as "not much interested in other people"? i don't think that could be further from the truth, but im always open to others' perceptions. and what is my list of dislikes? is this from a post ive had in the past? again, im just curious from what you base your post.

    you are probably right, that i am quite judgemental... guys that are self-centered, self-absorbed braggarts (and there are plethora of these types) mean nothing to me. those who are modest and have humility almost always have my respect

    I didn't say these things to flame you; I don't know you, and I'm well aware that you may be very different in person. But I am basing it from reading two years' worth of your (not very frequent) posts. We all form impressions of each other on here; the impression I have of you is that you are a very dissatisfied guy. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Again, no intent to insult you.


    i wasnt insulted and your previous post wasn't a flame, so no worries there.

    ok, well i wasn't sure if you were basing your thoughts on one or two particular posts... but if that's just your general impression, then you are, of course, free to perceive as you do. to clarify though, the only aspect of my life im dissatisfied with is my dating life. and even if your perceptions are reality (whatever that means) how is this knowledge going to help me go forward with the original topic?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2009 5:46 PM GMT
    After 250 first dates, maybe your screening process needs to be a bit more fine-tuned. Or your criteria needs to be altered/more realistic. But regardless, I do agree with other members that chances are it's probably something from your end and not the other way around due to the sheer number of dates you've been on vs. the outcomes.

    Starting off with an interview like question is going to make you a talkshow host. I personally think "tell me about yourself" or any variation of that is by far one of the most BORING questions. Steer the conversation the way you want it. Unless these are blind dates, you should have at least one thing to talk about right off the bat. (friend in common = how do you know ___?, etc)

    They are on the date because they are interested in you. You may need to volunteer information about yourself without an inquiry. They may be just an anxious for you to speak as you are. They are dumping their life stories on you because you are asking them to (and they certainly don't want to pass up a chance to talk about the thing that's most familiar to them -- themselves!)

    You should be the one giving advice by now though! lol
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Oct 10, 2009 5:52 PM GMT
    I grew up in LA. It is a place like no other. My theory is that since so many people work in the film/tv industry and are always looking for their next job, the social convention is to tell people how great and brilliant you are, in the hopes they can get you your next gig. A guy talking about himself can often be wondering when you're going to jump in and talk about YOURself.

    Easier to change yourself than the 250 people you've met and not been able to develop any rapport. You can try being equally assertive and talk about yourself. Interrupt, it's fine, or wait for a pause and instead of asking another question about him, tell him something you want him to know about you. Or, you could interrupt him with, "What would you like to know about me?"

    I am not talking about you in particular, since obviously I don't know you, but if I met someone for an hour and he didn't tell me about himself, I might interpret that he was dull, boring, lacking in confidence, or utterly not into me. There wouldn't be much reason to follow up with such a guy.

    Here's hoping number 251 goes better!
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    Oct 10, 2009 5:52 PM GMT
    jprichva said

    2) Practical: Joky response: "But enough about you. Let's talk about me."
    Sexual response: "Less talking, more fucking."
    Very Practical: "This isn't working for me. Nice meeting you. Got Tu Go."


    Sarcastic: Are you sure you didn't miss anything?

    Maybe stick to going out to dinner and not solely drinking? You can sneak some words in while they are munching on their food lol.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 5:54 PM GMT
    Erikk saidAfter 250 first dates, maybe your screening process needs to be a bit more fine-tuned. Or your criteria needs to be altered/more realistic. But regardless, I do agree with other members that chances are it's probably something from your end and not the other way around due to the sheer number of dates you've been on vs. the outcomes.

    Starting off with an interview like question is going to make you a talkshow host. I personally think "tell me about yourself" or any variation of that is by far one of the most BORING questions. Steer the conversation the way you want it. Unless these are blind dates, you should have at least one thing to talk about right off the bat. (friend in common = how do you know ___?, etc)

    They are on the date because they are interested in you. You may need to volunteer information about yourself without an inquiry. They may be just an anxious for you to speak as you are.

    You should be the one giving advice by now though! lol


    my screening process could definitely use some fine-tuning, but since ive had no successful relationships, im pretty much willing to give anybody a shot... ya never know who you might hit it off with, right?

    and i don't just say "so, tell me about yourself"... ill ask them general questions such as about their job or where they're from, and then more specific questions based on their responses. i dunno, isn't that how conversation is supposed to work?

    i generally try and steer the conversation to places where there is middle ground, but they'll usually take it and run to a place far far away.

    and yes, eventually the person will ask, for instance, "What do you do"... and i wont get two sentences into my occupation before they've steered it back to themselves.

    maybe the previous poster hit it on the head... that the problem is im dating guys in my 20's
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2009 5:58 PM GMT
    Well. there are two possibilities here.

    1) All 250 were total egomaniacs. This is statistically unlikely, unless you are subconsciously choosing only egomaniacs to date; or

    2) In at least some of these cases you must be doing something that produces this behavior. Maybe you should try taking a more assertive role in the conversation. Your date will welcome this. On a first date they should be just as interested in finding out about you as you are about them. How else can you tell if you have enough in common to proceed?
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    Oct 10, 2009 6:02 PM GMT
    Hunter9 said

    maybe the previous poster hit it on the head... that the problem is im dating guys in my 20's


    No, that's just the easiest reason to accept. The older they get the more they have to talk about, hahaha.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 10, 2009 6:05 PM GMT
    Hunter,
    A couple of things... and you know we've never had any negative commentary between us but I do want to make a couple of points......

    1) JP (jprichva) is right above... my first thought on reading this was how you tend to come across. Rightly or wrongly, I've even noticed an attitude.... maybe your conveying something that isn't comfortable with those guys. Do YOU ask them questions, or do they just ramble on ?
    Just curious. After 250 dates (come on is that really the number?), I'd be asking myself alot of questions of myself.....

    2) You do have a point about others carrying on about who they are... when I chat with someone, I always ask them about who they are and specifics. Sometimes I'm ask those same questions and other times its pretty one sided (which doesn't impress me much at the end), but I guess I am the one who's asking the questions. I'm pretty comfortable in that role......... but it also isn't a date, I'm usually at lunch just chatting with them.

    I hope you can take some of this and carefully consider. I have no ax to grind with you and only wish you the best with your dates.
    Good luck and keep us informed.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 6:07 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    Freely sharing your life with another person without being prompted is not called dumping; it is called building a relationship. Try it. See where it goes.


    if you sat where i sat, you'd see why i call it dumping
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    Oct 10, 2009 6:08 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    Hunter9 said...and therefore will eventually start asking me questions in an effort to get to know me better...

    It is a date; not an interview.


    A first date is little else.
    The only situation where it's not an interview is when it's a hookup and acknowledged as such.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 6:08 PM GMT
    jprichva said
    2) Practical: Joky response: "But enough about you. Let's talk about me."
    Sexual response: "Less talking, more fucking."
    Very Practical: "This isn't working for me. Nice meeting you. Got Tu Go."


    ill definitely keep these scribbled on my palm on my next date... a response for every situation!
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 6:12 PM GMT
    camfer saidI grew up in LA. It is a place like no other. My theory is that since so many people work in the film/tv industry and are always looking for their next job, the social convention is to tell people how great and brilliant you are, in the hopes they can get you your next gig. A guy talking about himself can often be wondering when you're going to jump in and talk about YOURself.

    Easier to change yourself than the 250 people you've met and not been able to develop any rapport. You can try being equally assertive and talk about yourself. Interrupt, it's fine, or wait for a pause and instead of asking another question about him, tell him something you want him to know about you. Or, you could interrupt him with, "What would you like to know about me?"

    I am not talking about you in particular, since obviously I don't know you, but if I met someone for an hour and he didn't tell me about himself, I might interpret that he was dull, boring, lacking in confidence, or utterly not into me. There wouldn't be much reason to follow up with such a guy.

    Here's hoping number 251 goes better!


    you make some excellent points here... thank you for the response.

    re: the entertainment folks... i stopped dating them along time ago... they are a culture of their own, and one i will have nothing to do with. that said, perhaps they're behaviors/customs have infiltrated non-entertainment LA???

    anyway, a healthy portion of the 250 dates did not take place LA... also in Santa Barbara and the capitals of both a western and eastern european country... this self-absorption characteristic seems to be fairly universal.

    and even if i could get a word in by being more assertive, im just not sure these are the type or relationships i want to be in anyway
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 6:13 PM GMT
    Erikk saidMaybe stick to going out to dinner and not solely drinking? You can sneak some words in while they are munching on their food lol.


    i know you were joking with this, but again the point isn't whether i can sneak some words in, but whether they care to hear them
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Oct 10, 2009 6:20 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidHunter,
    A couple of things... and you know we've never had any negative commentary between us but I do want to make a couple of points......

    1) JP (jprichva) is right above... my first thought on reading this was how you tend to come across. Rightly or wrongly, I've even noticed an attitude.... maybe your conveying something that isn't comfortable with those guys. Do YOU ask them questions, or do they just ramble on ?
    Just curious. After 250 dates (come on is that really the number?), I'd be asking myself alot of questions of myself.....

    2) You do have a point about others carrying on about who they are... when I chat with someone, I always ask them about who they are and specifics. Sometimes I'm ask those same questions and other times its pretty one sided (which doesn't impress me much at the end), but I guess I am the one who's asking the questions. I'm pretty comfortable in that role......... but it also isn't a date, I'm usually at lunch just chatting with them.

    I hope you can take some of this and carefully consider. I have no ax to grind with you and only wish you the best with your dates.
    Good luck and keep us informed.


    i appreciate the honestly, and im sure there are times when i come across on these boards as a self-righteous prick... but i hope equally or more often i come across as a considerate, thoughtful, well-balanced guy... i will leave those perceptions up to you.

    even with my "attitude", im not sure what would make them go on and on and show little interest in me. if i made them uncomfortable, you'd think they'd just be quiet as a mouse. oh, and one more thing i should have added at the start, i would estimate that 3 our of 4 times the guy contacts me after the fact, hoping to score another date. so its not that THEY didn't enjoy themselves.

    oh, and the 250 could be 200, i dunno... its an estimate, but trust me, its up there

    i do thank you for your input
  • KissTheSky

    Posts: 1980

    Oct 10, 2009 6:31 PM GMT
    I think "dates" are a really hard way to get to know someone because both people are so nervous.
    I've had some good luck joining an "official" group of gay guys who meet regularly to focus on an activity like sports or volunteering or some kind of recreation, and then casually meeting some guys in the group along the way. The great thing about this is that there is no pressure -- you're not there on "a date," you're there to watch the game, help out a cause, go bowling, whatever. You also have the activity to talk about, instead of just yourselves. (One reason I hate "dates" is they feel like job interviews.)
    If it's a group that meets regularly, you can slowly get to know some guys this way, then if you find one you hit if off with, invite him to have a drink afterwords.
    If you can't find a group you want to join, start you own on Meetup.com
    There's probably a bunch of guys in the same situation as you.
    Post your photo on the Meetup page and you'll get plenty of interest... you're cute!
    good luck! icon_biggrin.gif