Are TOPS jealous in general?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 10, 2009 6:46 PM GMT
    HEY Guys, I'd like your advice and insight. This is my first post on here.

    I consider myself quite intelligent, BUT when it comes to personal matters and relationships, I lose it and sometimes get confused.

    First, I'm a TOP! I love being a TOP. I'm good at it and it's what I am.

    I live with an ex. And believe me there is NOTHING going on between us. He's 100% bottom.

    We live together and generally everything is fine, except when he hooks up to get fucked.

    I feel used for entertainment (movies, going out to eat, etc), some affection - like a hug once in a while or arm around the shoulder - and general friendship.

    It's the next morning that's the problem for me. He goes out at 3:00 AM to get fucked and then the next morning he's happy-go-lucky and relaxed cause he got fucked.

    I on the other hand, cannot stand the sight of him. I feel bad and extremely jealous about the whole thing. I honestly know that I do not want him back and for reasons that I cannot say here, there is no way that I would want to have sex with him. And seriously, I do not have feelings for him at all. I've considered it, but it's just not there.

    So my question is this: Is it normal for TOPS to feel jealous when their former bottoms - especially when they have been in a past relationship - go out to get theirs.

    I have best friends who are bottoms and they tell me about their tricks. I don't feel resentment or jealousy then, why should I feel it for my roommate.

    Your help is appreciated. I'd like to hear from both tops and bottoms please.

    Thanks,

    Alex
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    Oct 10, 2009 6:58 PM GMT


    Nope. Jealousy is a trait in some people in every sexual demographic.

    People get jealous.

    What you're exhibiting are traits of a double standard; you don't want him but get jealous when someone else does.
    His happy makes you angry.
    This something you really do need to address.

    You need to move out and be on your own. Do this at your earliest convenience, because it sounds like there are scars from your past relationship with him that aren't healing.


    Welcome to Realjock, Alex!


  • postyork

    Posts: 127

    Oct 10, 2009 7:00 PM GMT
    Careful, being a top or bottom isn't like gender. The world isn't a binary place.

    You can be jealous whether you're a man, woman, top, bottom, butch, femme, whatever. It doesn't rely on a made up pseudo-gender role that happens to be based on whether you like to take it or give it.

    You'd think in the gay community we'd focus on uniting instead of just finding more ways to separate ourselves.
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    Oct 11, 2009 3:41 AM GMT
    I am very curious to know why you would think this has anything to do with being a top.

    Living with an ex is quite difficult for many people. It's not like you lose all feeling for one another when you end your relationship. There's a "withdrawal period." I'm not clear how long ago you ceased being a couple.
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    Oct 11, 2009 3:47 AM GMT
    I agree wit Obscene...nuthin to do wit being a TOP bro...just in general of having n livin wit an EXicon_eek.gif dat can be deadlyicon_exclaim.gif U need to get out more, or move dawgicon_lol.gif...I could not be in da same crib wit sum 1 I have no desire to be wit anymore...feel meicon_question.gif If it's business, keep it at dat..icon_idea.gif
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    Oct 11, 2009 3:55 AM GMT
    If you can't stand the sight of him, why are you living with him? Should you not live on your own so that you don't have to see him?
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Oct 11, 2009 4:07 AM GMT
    AlexTheGreat saidI live with an ex.

    I think I found your problem.
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    Oct 11, 2009 6:29 AM GMT
    DCEric said
    AlexTheGreat saidI live with an ex.

    I think I found your problem.


    hahahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!! frackin' brilliant!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2009 6:45 AM GMT
    I would say that a top has EVERY RIGHT to be jealous.

    857961_spinning_top.jpg

    -Tops are generally good for only 1-2 minutes of entertainment (more if the user is <8 years old)

    dreidel.jpg.jpeg

    Whereas a Dreidel can be used again and again, with groups of people, for gambling, family entertainment, and religious purposes.
    -A Dreidel has a distinct identity, and an image.

    Any old piece of plastic that can be spun and balances is considered a "top". This feeling of inadequacy is enough to make ANYONE jealous.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Oct 11, 2009 7:23 AM GMT
    postyork saidCareful, being a top or bottom isn't like gender. The world isn't a binary place.


    WERK
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    Oct 11, 2009 7:24 AM GMT
    I lived with my ex for more than a year past our first separation and well past the point where we both knew it was over. Its a no win situation that will just get worse. You jealousy is hurt and grief over your relationship. Regardless of if you want this to end, its a pretty unusual and stressful situation. You can't expect to turn your feelings on and off like a switch and it may feel awkward to feel jealousy for a man you are no longer with. Just remember that settling into your single life does not happen over night. And you will never really know where your emotions are coming from until you don't have him there daily to confuse things... it takes a while but you'll have a new perspective on your world when it is just you muddling things up ; )

    Top. bottom - personally, its like the weather - ask me any day and you will get a different answer. I think the person is the source of the jealousy, not how they like to have sex. Don't look for explanations, you'll just rationalize and keep this cycle going. commit to the split and go through your singledom. If you still have those feelings, then figure out how or if you want to address them.
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    Oct 11, 2009 7:32 AM GMT
    DCEric said
    AlexTheGreat saidI live with an ex.

    I think I found your problem.


    BINGO!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2009 7:39 AM GMT
    some people never outgrow jealousy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2009 10:35 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    Nope. Jealousy is a trait in some people in every sexual demographic.

    People get jealous.

    What you're exhibiting are traits of a double standard; you don't want him but get jealous when someone else does.
    His happy makes you angry.
    This something you really do need to address.

    You need to move out and be on your own. Do this at your earliest convenience, because it sounds like there are scars from your past relationship with him that aren't healing.


    Welcome to Realjock, Alex!

    meninlove took the words right out of my fingers. Jealousy, pure & simple, and I doubt your being a top is the issue at all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2009 1:44 PM GMT
    Guy, it has nothing to do with being a top.

    You're living with an ex! A man you once cared about! A man you would make love to regularly! But you can't, and feel like you are continuing the duties of a boyfriend without that sexual gratitude.

    Its perfectly natural for a man, top or bottom, to be jealous in a situation like that. Even though you are broken up, even though you don't see yourself getting back together, you can't dismiss the fact that somewhere you still feel a sense of ownership and perhaps is angry that this time he spends with you doesn't make him as happy as the big stranger dick he's getting filled with each night.

    Especially if physical intamacy is something very important to you with someone you care about, then you're probably feeling gross and mildly betrayed by how easily and often your ex hooks up.

    My bf has always known that i have a high sex drive and that before I started dating him I would hook up with several guys in one week. And we were talking one day about if we ever broke up would we get back together, and he said he probably wouldn't want to because he'd be pissed and nauseated knowing that I had probably been sleeping with several guys.

    So some men just get jealous like that. But I'd like to also add that if you can feel this way, then clearly there still some emotion there. Don't deny it, don't be proud, simply analyze it and make sense of it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2009 2:06 PM GMT
    postyork saidCareful, being a top or bottom isn't like gender. The world isn't a binary place.

    You can be jealous whether you're a man, woman, top, bottom, butch, femme, whatever. It doesn't rely on a made up pseudo-gender role that happens to be based on whether you like to take it or give it.

    You'd think in the gay community we'd focus on uniting instead of just finding more ways to separate ourselves.


    Precisely! The only part of your predicament that completely baffles me is the notion that any of this has to do with being a top! Why do tops talk about being a top as if its something that sets you apart.

    I consider being versatile the best advantage to being gay. Maybe that's why I never understand this stuff.

    Are you gettin' any? Maybe you're just jealous that he's busier than you. I think that would only be natural and I think it's the simplest answer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2009 2:21 PM GMT
    Top or not..the real question is what are you jealous of? Jealousy is just a feeling that let's us know there is something that we want. Identify what you want and go get it.

    The top/bottom thing is just a red herring.

    What do you want?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2009 2:28 PM GMT
    alex is 37 years old, considers himself "quite intelligent" and "great" but cannot apply simple wisdom or introspection to a personal relationship. interesting.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Oct 11, 2009 2:31 PM GMT
    Hey Alex, welcome to posting on RJ.... how you enjoy it and learn a few along the way.....

    I was just curious about your living arrangement. Why are you still living with your ex? Most times it has to do with the apartment or house situation or with bills.... but why is it you (or he) is still there?

    To answer your question, its probably absolutely normal to feel a little jealous with someone you have been involved with romantically... but its over. He's now your roomate only and he can do as he pleases and from his standpoint, you have no right to be jealous.

    I'd either deal with it or if its a real problem.... move out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2009 5:14 PM GMT
    I think you got an ego problem..........and a jealousy one too. He's getting his, and you are not getting yours. Maybe your sensibilities about being a top include feelings thinking you are the best top in the world and......GASP...........control issues.

    There are plenty of guys out there who are good at what they do in bed, but it doesn't extend to being hurt when their former partner is going about his life the way he wants.

    Maybe you need more time to get over him.

    But I still don't understand the connection between being a top and being a roomate with a former lover.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2009 5:48 PM GMT
    AlexTheGreat saidHEY Guys, I'd like your advice and insight. This is my first post on here.

    I consider myself quite intelligent, BUT when it comes to personal matters and relationships, I lose it and sometimes get confused.

    First, I'm a TOP! I love being a TOP. I'm good at it and it's what I am.

    I live with an ex. And believe me there is NOTHING going on between us. He's 100% bottom.

    We live together and generally everything is fine, except when he hooks up to get fucked.

    I feel used for entertainment (movies, going out to eat, etc), some affection - like a hug once in a while or arm around the shoulder - and general friendship.

    It's the next morning that's the problem for me. He goes out at 3:00 AM to get fucked and then the next morning he's happy-go-lucky and relaxed cause he got fucked.

    I on the other hand, cannot stand the sight of him. I feel bad and extremely jealous about the whole thing. I honestly know that I do not want him back and for reasons that I cannot say here, there is no way that I would want to have sex with him. And seriously, I do not have feelings for him at all. I've considered it, but it's just not there.

    So my question is this: Is it normal for TOPS to feel jealous when their former bottoms - especially when they have been in a past relationship - go out to get theirs.

    I have best friends who are bottoms and they tell me about their tricks. I don't feel resentment or jealousy then, why should I feel it for my roommate.

    Your help is appreciated. I'd like to hear from both tops and bottoms please.

    Thanks,

    Alex


    Sounds like you have some growing up to do. You need to stop worrying about him having a good time being a tramp and have some fun of your own. Being resentful towards him is wasted energy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 11, 2009 5:57 PM GMT
    This has nothing to do with tops or bottoms. You should have asked some friends for advice before moving in together with your ex. I sure most of them would have told you it was a bad idea. I bet now when you relate this story to them they are holding back and biting their tongues, thinking 'I could have told you so.'
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    Oct 11, 2009 6:25 PM GMT
    LOL. This has nothing to do with your sexual position. You clearly have some feelings left over for this guy otherwise you wouldn't care about what he does or who he does.

    The very sight of him going out and getting his while you are stuck home doing nothing seem to bother the hell out of you. Is it because you aren't the one getting done by him? Sure sounds like it. If it isn't jealousy then it's a control issue and might be the type of guy who doesn't like seeing his past relationship being so casual and flippant with sex. Either way it still sounds like jealousy.

    Your other half clearly has no regrets and he's seem to be getting along just fine without you. You should take notes and follow suit. Go out and find someone and just move on because it seems like your ex did regardless of how good of a top you claim to be.

    You feel that way towards your roomate/ex because at some point he was your bottom and not another persons. Your friends are completely different when they talk about their exploits because you probably never had any of your friends and they are just that...friends. They are people you never opened yourself up to intimately whereas your ex is.

    They say the best cure for getting over someone is to get under someone else.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 12, 2009 6:28 AM GMT
    Hi Alex, welcome to RJ Forums. Hopefully you'll contribute on a regular basis - and tell us how your present situation plays out. Hopefully you'll settle this and be happier soon - either by leaving home, or by going out more often yourself. I think if you "replaced" your ex with a bunch of new dates yourself - or with someone special someday - you'd feel much better about the action your ex is getting. I don't think it matters if you are a top or bottom. I think it is just that your ex is getting action - when maybe your nights are quiet right now. That will improve!

    For me though - I wouldn't care to live with an ex - no matter how friendly. I learned a long time ago to "leave the past - IN the past". Good luck - whatever way you decide to handle this.
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    Oct 12, 2009 6:43 AM GMT
    ObsceneWish saidI am very curious to know why you would think this has anything to do with being a top.

    Living with an ex is quite difficult for many people. It's not like you lose all feeling for one another when you end your relationship. There's a "withdrawal period." I'm not clear how long ago you ceased being a couple.


    Yeah, what you said. I was just going to post a dramatically disdainful eye roll smiley...........