can you date someone you are not attracted to?

  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Dec 15, 2007 5:00 AM GMT
    so I've had an INCREDIBLY difficult time finding a guy worth being with. in fact, ive been looking since i came out 5 years ago, but my longest relationship is 2 weeks, usually because i am not interested in the many guys ive gone out with.

    i only need a guy to meet two criteria: 1) have good chemistry regarding our personalities and 2) i have to be attracted to the person.

    since i am about zero for 150 dates, ive been thinking about the 2 or 3 guys that i went out with that i had really good rapport with, but i ended it because i was not attracted to them. is it possible to be dating or have a bf that you are not attracted to? i am NOT talking about dating super-models, but just somebody that you want to but your hands on, as opposed to not really desiring to see them without their shirt
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    Dec 15, 2007 6:25 AM GMT
    You might want to rethink your two rules. It takes more than personality and physical attraction to make two people compatible. It is important that each of you stimulate some untangible in each other.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Dec 15, 2007 6:41 AM GMT
    It is important that each of you stimulate some untangible in each other.QUOTE GOES HERE


    thats what i meant by "chemistry"
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    Dec 15, 2007 7:07 AM GMT
    I recently moved from LA to the Midwest and I found out that although things in WeHo are great - gays are accepted, and there;s a real vibrant gay community - WeHo is still Hollywood-ish. We (and I include myself here) still have that hunky Hollywood ideal in mind.

    The problem with LA is that there are so many hot actors, surfers, musicians, trust fund babies, do-gooders, yuppies, etc that the majority - who are just average or above average - are left out in the cold Palisades mists.

    It may not be too late to change your idea of what "hotness" or chemistry is.

    But in the end, if your dick doesnt stiffen, you cant fuck in the near term. And if you cant stand the guy's personality, you cant fuck him long term.

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    Dec 15, 2007 8:45 AM GMT
    It's a bad idea to go out with someone you are not attracted to. Ultimately you can only fake sexual desire for so long before you start to resent your partner.

    Keep looking, try different ways of meeting men, you know, follow the advice guys are always giving out on Realjock - join a sports club, taking up hiking, go camping!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Dec 15, 2007 1:52 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to say that I did try it ...
    I was with a great guy
    Smart, funny cute
    but the spark wasn't there
    I thought that I'd be able to ignite it with a little time and effort
    Nope...didn't work
    I think the chemistry has to be the first thing and then everything else has to be built from there
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    Dec 15, 2007 2:03 PM GMT
    Maybe if didn't advertise your likings for 420 (make some personal changes), you might draw a different grade of men... kinda like wanting in one hand and shitting in the other. Which fills up first... But what do I know, just a thought.
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    Dec 15, 2007 2:12 PM GMT
    I have actually been here before also, the guy is a very nice guy, everything you could want in a guy, personality wise and actually not very bad looking, but the attraction/chemistry was not there for me, I even tried a second time going out with him, but it wasn't happening, so at this point we are friends, there are no hard feelings.
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    Dec 15, 2007 2:31 PM GMT
    Physical attraction is usually important in making new relationships work, but that's not always the case. If you're looking for a lifetime of a relationship, then you should keep an open mind and learn to look past the muscle and beauty.

    It is possible to fall in love with someone you're not initially attracted to, but once you get to know them, you might realize that your attraction to their personality will outweigh their not-so-ideal looks. you might see that his quirky laugh is so much hotter than the tightest abs you've ever seen!

    goodluck dude.
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    Dec 15, 2007 2:51 PM GMT
    Short answer: I agree w/ redheadguy.

    Look at it like this.

    - Straight people have a very difficult time finding their mates. You've written off about 95% of the choices; that means it is a little more difficult for you right out of the box.

    - Of the 5% who are left, you are trying to find someone who is relatively honest, attractive and stimulating. That's not as easy as it sounds.

    I was in your position once, I had totally given up on finding a partner. By age 40 I thought I had resigned myself to a series of serially monogamous relationships of fairly short duration. Then I decided to take a long vacation and ...

    I walked into a pub in Scotland and WHAM. It was like someone had hit me over the head.

    It does happen, you just have to be patient, keep actively looking, and be open to the possibilities: Especially the possibility of 'The One' being someone very different than what you think your expectations might be.

    If you are really not finding guys you are at all interested in, then maybe its time to start looking in new places. The fact that you live in WeHo ay actually make things a little TOUGHER on you...

    Try to find communitty groups that interest you and shares your interest in health and working out - a gay swim team? A gay Volleyball team? A gay Bicycling group? There are an almost infinite number of choices in LA. Don't stick with going to the same old places where you have been unsuccessful in the past - try something/someplace new.

    Good Luck.

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    Dec 15, 2007 3:01 PM GMT
    i've done it- it sucks, and in time you'll grow to resent them- the physical part of the relationship will rot over time if you don't get butterflies thinking of them. and the more you try to force love, thinking they're a great guy and it can be made to happen eventually- the worse the situation gets. i have high standards (thanks to sites like this) and can't find ANYONE who 1) is hot/athletic, 2) lives near me, 3) is a good person. to have all three in one seems impossible any more, and i've been looking (and even 'not looking,' when others suggested it), since i came out in early high school. so when i've found guys who were passably cute and were nice and sane and who i've gotten along with, ive given it a go because i thought it'd be shallow to not date them based on looks. in the end.... if you're not physically attracted to them, a huge chunk of the relationship will be found missing and it'll throw everything outa whack.

    i personally have no patience though, and don't believe ppl when they say im young and will find that someone in my vicinity eventually- so i find amazing guys online and date long distance, much to my eternal disappointment, but the alternative is to just be lonely. we have choices, even if they suck. i guess all one can do is cross one's fingers and pray mr. right will drop into our laps.

    the guy im with now is amazing, and i love him- but again its long distance.. wish us luck.
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    Dec 15, 2007 3:06 PM GMT
    HUNTER9i only need a guy to meet two criteria: 1) have good chemistry regarding our personalities and 2) i have to be attracted to the person.

    I think the more physical attraction the better. The passion will die away fast enough. Then you have to have rely on the chemistry and interests between you two.

    I think maybe you need to try therapy with a psychologist to understand yourself more and learn more about the interactions between people and in a relationship. This may sound silly. But so many guys on here have this same complaint and I am getting the perception that gay guys dont understand dating and relationships because of the way we have to live as kids.

    Boy, there are so many PhDs in Psychology waiting to happen in this field, I can see.

    And the business potential for someone to teach gay guys how to interact, date, and form stable relationships.
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    Dec 15, 2007 3:23 PM GMT
    Oh, Seek and ye shall find!

    Some results from Amazon...

    The MANdates: 25 Real Rules For Successful Gay Dating

    Book Description
    How do you win the dating game if you’re a gay man?

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    Boyfriend 101: A Gay Guy's Guide to Dating, Romance, and Finding True Love

    From Publishers Weekly
    Professional counselor Sullivan supplements his breezy advice with anecdotes from his clients to coach gay readers looking for Mr. Right. As the "101" title implies, this is a beginner's guide with Sullivan starting at the ground level ("What is a date?"). His baby-steps approach covers potential opening lines for small talk with strangers; a three-page list of qualities to help narrow the focus of what your Mr. Right needs to possess; and locations for running into eligible men. Sullivan's banal scripted "one-minute encounters" should encourage even the most tongue-tied that it doesn't take clever observations to open a conversation. Some of Sullivan's advice seems so rudimentary that it seems designed for shut-ins rather than someone new to gay dating. One of the things not to say on a first date is "My father was a drunk," while Sullivan says men like to hear "Your butt is awesome," "I'm so proud of you" and "You make fabulous coffee." Sullivan's advice is more constructive when dealing with relationships: dating someone with a different HIV status; integrating your "inner teenager"; working through internalized homophobia; and suggested communication strategies for couples. The book ends with a useful resource guide that lists online matchmaking services, gay organization links and reference directories
    Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc.

    Review
    “For those of us who are dating-impaired, is the perfect guidebook. Filled with practical, easy-to-follow suggestions, this book will set even the most reluctant and skeptical of daters on the road to success.” —Michael Thomas Ford, author of It’s Not Mean If It’s True and The Little Book of Neuroses



    Husband Hunting Made Easy : And Other Miracles for the Modern Gay Man


    Book Description
    The modern gay man is his own best friend, has healed his inner child, is in touch with the warrior within, has memorized the Kama Sutra, and owns a little black book that would make Casanova jealous. Why, then, do so few of them have the house, dog, Range Rover, and "husband" that so many yearn for?Husband Hunting Made Easy finally reveals the secrets to finding, getting, and keeping the husband of your dreams. From the basics ("What is a husband and why do I want one?") to the advanced course ("In-laws-how not to kill them"), this is the everything-you-need-to-know guide. From blind dates ("Hint: Never let Mom set you up") to dress ("A thong is always wrong!") to avoiding pathetic opening lines ("Care to lambada?"), Patrick Price leads you past the pitfalls and pratfalls of landing the (nearly) perfect man.

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    Patrick Price is a senior publicist for Ballantine Books/Random House, Inc., and a successful veteran of the quest for the modern gay husband. Born and raised in northern Virginia, he graduated from the College of William and Mary and New York University's Summer Publishing Program in 1993. He now lives in New York City. Husband Hunting Made Easy is his first book.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2007 3:34 PM GMT
    I hear this complaint constantly from clients and it was my own too. I either met men who were smart but didn't turn me on or men who turned me on but weren't very smart.

    After exhausting myself with a bunch of beautiful jerks and morons, I decided to make sexual attraction secondary. What I found was that it, like anything else, can develop with someone.

    The reality, though, is that, no matter how powerful the sexual attraction, it's likely going to wax and wane over time with whomever you choose. Perhaps it's the experience of relationships that were based more on sexual attraction than anything else that taught me how truly secondary it is in a relationship, which in turn made opening my relationship relatively unchallenging.

    Whether you would benefit from therapy because of this is debatable. I do know that this dynamic seems especially effective among those who "fear intimacy." And it's almost always true of men who haven't shaken their discomfort with being gay. They get to fulfill their basic need for sex without a bond that would take them beyond a purely sexual definition of homosexuality.





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    Dec 15, 2007 3:36 PM GMT
    I like to remain optimistic for as long as i can. I still beleive love can conquer more than just physical attraction.....


    however... my current situation says otherwise:

    the last guy i was with was a really nice guy and treated me with all kindness and devotion, but i still found myself not really feeling him, physically. He's very handsome and quite attractive, but he's just not the type of guy i normally go for.

    now. i've been seeing someone i was instantly attracted to, but i'm beginning to wonder what more we possibly have in common besides the physical. then again, i feel he needs more time since he's a complete newbie :/


    either way, i think its a shame to brush off guys based on what they look like. everyone deserves a first chance.
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    Dec 15, 2007 3:53 PM GMT
    I tried it its not a good thing. you can only think of someone else during sex so often. He was a great guy but not what I am into physically. I found that when I wasnt around him I was like yea I could totally be in love with him,but then when we were together I just couldnt get that feeling and I would be resentful of the whole situation. On some level it was better not to be near him cause then I coudl trick myself into thinking I loved him. In the end it didnt work out
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Dec 15, 2007 4:43 PM GMT
    Maybe if didn't advertise your likings for 420 (make some personal changes), you might draw a different grade of menQUOTE GOES HERE


    first off, i really appreciate all the responses... all very insightful.

    as for the above quote, i do NOT need to find a guy that smokes weed, but if there is a guy out there that looks down on 420 (and not also alcohol), i have no respect for him and would have no interest anyway
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Dec 15, 2007 4:44 PM GMT
    It's a bad idea to go out with someone you are not attracted to. Ultimately you can only fake sexual desire for so long before you start to resent your partner.QUOTE GOES HERE


    i could totally see this happening
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Dec 15, 2007 4:47 PM GMT
    It is possible to fall in love with someone you're not initially attracted to, but once you get to know them, you might realize that your attraction to their personality will outweigh their not-so-ideal looks.QUOTE GOES HERE


    Ya know ive thought this, and thats why ive given some guys a second chance. a great personality CAN make up for "less than ideal" looks... but im talking about not being attracted to them... period. that doesnt mean they are ugly, i just have no physical attraction, and i think that is nearly impossible to overcome
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Dec 15, 2007 4:50 PM GMT
    The MANdates: 25 Real Rules For Successful Gay Dating

    Book Description
    How do you win the dating game if you’re a gay man?
    QUOTE GOES HERE


    thanks... i may check it out
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 15, 2007 4:57 PM GMT
    Date a dud? Sure, but only once. Also, like my homegirl Linda once said: I don't get out of bed for less than $10 000 a day.
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    Dec 15, 2007 5:23 PM GMT
    CaslonWhy, then, do so few of them have the house, dog, Range Rover, and "husband" that so many yearn for?


    What an awful sounding book description. If all you're looking for is someone to out into a Levittown fantasy you've concocted don't be surprised if you end up rather miserable in the process. Life is a weird thing and sometimes it takes you places that you never would have anticipated 5 or 10 years prior.

    To me, armchair psychologist that I am, it seems like you might be trying to force it. How about instead of going into these situations wondering "is this my true love??" you go out and meet people in general, and you'll come across some people that you really jive with and hopefully you'll want to bone some of them, and then problem solved.

    And yes, you can date people you're not physically attracted to, they're called friends. I do things with some of my friends that would be considered "dates" were we "doin it to it" (to borrow a phrase)
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Dec 15, 2007 5:41 PM GMT
    And yes, you can date people you're not physically attracted to, they're called friends. I do things with some of my friends that would be considered "dates" were we "doin it to it" (to borrow a phrase)QUOTE GOES HERE


    i have friends... thanks. its a bf that i wouldnt mind having
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    Dec 15, 2007 6:44 PM GMT
    I don't know the answer, Hunter....I broke up with a guy I loved (after many years) because among other things his libido had pretty well dried up and he expected me to to shut up and live with that. So I rebounded into a relationship that turns out was ALL about physical attraction. We had sex so often because there was probably not much else holding us together, and of course because he was (is) the hottest man I've ever known. But in the end that didn't matter... when I realized I didn't much like him anymore his body could have been Margaret Cho's for all I cared.

    Next time out, if I'm lucky and there IS a next time, I'm going to be careful that my upper head is the one that does the thinking.
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    Dec 06, 2013 1:08 PM GMT
    This makes no sense.