Question For Guys Who Were Married To Women...

  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Oct 16, 2009 4:55 AM GMT
    Did you know you had an attraction to men when you were engaged to be married? Or did it come later on during the marriage? Me and a friend were debating this evening and she feels that most men know that they are attracted to men, but they try and repress it, thinking marriage will change things. I decided to play devils advocate, I told her I think that is the case for some, but I do think there are men out there who find out they have an attraction to men later on during the marriage.
  • FredMG

    Posts: 988

    Oct 16, 2009 1:54 PM GMT
    I had, and maybe still do have a thing for big boobs. Which helped convince me that I was bi. That's what attracted me to my ex. So I guess in at least my case your friend is close. You also have to take family and cultural pressures into account.
  • camael

    Posts: 9

    Oct 16, 2009 2:04 PM GMT
    I knew I loved men (boys) at age 4 when the other little boys were chasing girls~I was chasing the boys.
  • camael

    Posts: 9

    Oct 16, 2009 2:07 PM GMT
    In addition-I got married because I wanted at that time what I thought was a normal life, due to society's view of gay men. So, I finally entered this life at age 32. Wasted a lot of years trying to conform to anti-gay America.
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Oct 16, 2009 2:20 PM GMT
    I married my college sweetheart and was married 12 years before I dealt with being gay. To be honest, I had physical attraction to men from an early age, but I repressed them and denied them (because I didn't associate with the gay stereotype) and to fit in (to societal/family expectations and pressures). I also found women beautiful and sexy, so it was easier for me to accept that path and not feel like it was totally wrong for me. But with alot of soul searching it came down to a hard cock winning out over boobs and a vagina!
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Oct 16, 2009 3:45 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for your responses, from the looks of these posts she (my friend), may have been right.
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    Oct 16, 2009 4:11 PM GMT
    I'd have to say your friend is correct. I married because of ignorance and a desire to have a 'normal' life, much like Cameal. I thought the attractions since 4th grade were just a lack of sexual intimacy and that marriage would resolve it all...well, after 22 yrs I figured the experiment was over, I wasn't changing. Had a great wife, family and life except for that one small issue of being attracted to guys. I'll go out on a limb and say that any guy that says he's just found the attraction after a life of heterosexual intimacy is not being honest and still maintains a denial and/or fear of being gay. It's a hard thing to deal with in many aspects after having established yourself as a supposedly str8 man.
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    Oct 16, 2009 4:19 PM GMT
    i am still married, abut regret it every day. i do love my wife, and my son, but really at times empty. i got married because i was lonely and felt alone. still afraid of that same thing. the gay life at that time was one of undercover and bigotry. still is and it is too bad. i at times want to just take off, and be what i really am, but losing my safe connection would scare me, especially with my son who is really conservative and would resent me. it's just too late.
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    Oct 16, 2009 4:26 PM GMT
    I was attracted to both men and women. I hadn't had sex with either prior to being married so I thought that possibly once I had sex with my wife that it would all change - it didn't.
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Oct 16, 2009 4:43 PM GMT
    Did any of your wives suspect any thing or where they completely oblivious? I am pretty sure living this type of lie had to me mentally draining, did any of you guys suffer from depression?
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    Oct 16, 2009 4:46 PM GMT
    NyRuinz saidDid any of your wives suspect any thing or where they completely oblivious? I am pretty sure living this type of lie had to me mentally draining, did any of you guys suffer from depression?
    I think there might have been times my wife wondered but she weighed it all together and thinking I was gay was just a fleeting thought that never really materialized until after I came out to her, then it was 'ahhhhhhhhh'. It all started to make sense, the little things. As for depression, hell yes. That's what really put me over the edge. I couldn't live the lies anymore and the loneliness of not having someone to really love (although I tried so hard with my wife) was more than I could stand.
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    Oct 16, 2009 5:45 PM GMT

    I was raised in white supremacist, homophobic Northern Idaho.

    It was pounded into my head every day of my life that being gay was horribly wrong.

    I knew I was gay by the time I was 11.

    I moved away to go to college, and experimented with boys. I loved it, but in the end, I was overcome by guilt and deathly afraid of my family finding out.

    So, I met a beautiful girl in college and we got married 2 years later. We were married for 3 years before I decided I just couldn't lie any more. I really did love her, but I couldn't live like that anymore. So, we got divorced, and I came out to her. I then came out to my family (the hardest thing EVER!), and they TOTALLY surprised me. They were totally accepting and supportive. So THEN I felt guilty for misjudging them. LOL, just kidding.

    That was 1995. And the rest is history!icon_cool.gif
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Oct 16, 2009 6:30 PM GMT
    This is the most interesting topic. You know, I have thaught about getting married to a women. Not because due to any society pressure (eventhough I suffer from that too). But because I feel lonely, aimless, and my life seem to have no purpose. I cant married a men(please see where I come from). Somehow if I can have a family with a women probably life will be more meaningful especially during my old age. But then I think it not fair to her and to myself . Furthermore I can probably lie to her about loving her, but I dont think I can fake the sexual attraction . I just dont find girl sexually attractive.

















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  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Oct 16, 2009 10:33 PM GMT
    zakariahzol saidThis is the most interesting topic. You know, I have thaught about getting married to a women. Not because due to any society pressure (eventhough I suffer from that too). But because I feel lonely, aimless, and my life seem to have no purpose. I cant married a men(please see where I come from). Somehow if I can have a family with a women probably life will be more meaningful especially during my old age. But then I think it not fair to her and to myself . Furthermore I can probably lie to her about loving her, but I dont think I can fake the sexual attraction . I just dont find girl sexually attractive.


    I could only imagine how stressful a situation like this can be. I must say that I do have a huge amount of respect for those who stayed faithful to their wives throughout the marriage, and later found the courage to tell them the truth.















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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2009 11:10 PM GMT
    Everyone's experience is a unique piece to there puzzle of life. I knew that I had an attraction to men but I'm also attracted to women. I'm sure some men go into marriage denying parts of there sexuality and use women as a cover to fit what we have been taught is normal. I also think there are some that go thru life sleepwalking until something or someone wakes them up!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 16, 2009 11:40 PM GMT
    I'm married to a woman because first I was - and still am - sexually attracted to her and secondly, we loved each other enough to make a pledge before God to be lifetime partners. Ten years on, we are still enjoying a robust marriage.
    I am also attrected to men, and have been since childhood.
    When my wife and I were courting, she answered that she became aware of my homosexuality early in the courtship, but this did not put her off from wanting to be my lifelong partner when I proposed to her.
    She also knows that I'm an active member of RealJock Gay website.
  • islander24

    Posts: 161

    Oct 17, 2009 1:50 AM GMT
    I had same sex attraction in middle school and high school...maybe even grade school. Something that no one would actually admit to back then in the 1960s.. I experimented with other guys.in my early teen years. I think my parents know and my Dad was determined I would get over. My older brother beat me up once to make a man out of me. I went through college and was asexual... not acting on either desire. I could certainly enjoy looking at a busty girl and get just as horny over a hunk with a 5 o clock shadow. I met a girl 7 years younger and we were married 13 years and had two great sons. I wouldn't change my love for them for anything. There were times when I was married that I was really horny for a certain guy I had met or seen. .I just chose not to act on it. My in laws I think always knew there was something " wrong" with me and they did their best to break up the marriage. They finally succeeded in 1985. She fell for someone else. She flat out told me and everyone else I was gay. Maybe she guessed , maybe she knew.
    I think I would have come out then if it had not been for AIDS. I wanted to be gay, but too many of my friends were dying awful deaths. ..and I had a lot of gay friends. So I stayed firmly in the closet. I can watch straight porn , but if I have a choice it would be gay porn.

    If my memory serves me right, in Kenzies Report on Male Sexuality there are two important scales.
    One says 1 is totally straight and 6 is totally gay.
    I figure I am a 4 1/2 on that one. Then we have 1 to 10 on the gay scale
    1 is really effeminate and 10 is totally straight appearing. I figure I am probably a 7 1/2. In my professional life most assume I am straight because I was married, just screwed up by my ex.



  • baldone

    Posts: 826

    Oct 17, 2009 1:58 AM GMT
    i knew from junior hi that i was attracted to guys.....sitffled it through school and dated alot,dated alot after high school...married in 77 good friend was usher in my wedding...damn was he hot....married for 31 years and just couldn't do it anymore..came out....last 3 years have been something...divorced,had to file bk, and lost my house, but i finally know who i am and who i was made to be.....
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Oct 17, 2009 2:59 AM GMT
    Hillie saidEveryone's experience is a unique piece to there puzzle of life. I knew that I had an attraction to men but I'm also attracted to women. I'm sure some men go into marriage denying parts of there sexuality and use women as a cover to fit what we have been taught is normal. I also think there are some that go thru life sleepwalking until something or someone wakes them up!


    And that's where my theory came in, I argued that maybe during the marriage the husband may have developed feelings for a guy, but based on these posts it probably was not the first time they have experienced a same sex attraction. This whole conversation came about because a friend of ours is getting married and we are pretty sure he is gay, but has always had issues with coming to terms with his homosexuality. What's really bad about this situation is the girl he is marrying is a really great girl.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 17, 2009 3:22 AM GMT
    Was married for 12 years but always knew I liked guys...Back in the 70's and 80's good little Southern boys didn't grow up to be homosexuals. It was a hard thing to come to grips with.
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    Oct 17, 2009 6:58 PM GMT
    NyRuinz saidDid any of your wives suspect any thing or where they completely oblivious? I am pretty sure living this type of lie had to me mentally draining, did any of you guys suffer from depression?
    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Going back up to your original post, I think that your friend is right, most of us who were married new we had an attraction to guys before marrying. I am another one is this catagory, I new it, but wanted a 'normal' family life. Thought I could repress being gay, which is always an impossible battle cause its impossible to change what we are. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> now to this post - friends of my wife and I suspected me of being gay and brought it up to my wife who then asked me. Living a 'straight' married life while being gay is an exercize in inner termoil that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Its hard to even express how good its been to be divorced and not living a lie anymore.
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    Oct 17, 2009 8:14 PM GMT
    I must have known on some level that I was attracted to men, but growing up Christian in the south, I certainly didn't identify with gay. In fact, I was sure I couldn't be that.

    I always dated girls and never experimented with guys. My wife was beautiful and I was excited about the prospect of having sex with her every day. I never felt like I was compromising or deceiving my fiance by getting married. At the time, that's where I was. It's complicated and the mind is a powerful thing.

    8 years later, the sex and passion had evaporated from our relationship and she wanted more. I was still perfectly happy being married. I still had not had any man on man contact. She decided to leave. Not until then, did I start experimenting with men and coming to realize/accept that I was gay.

    My wife and I both say that she knew I was gay before I did. She's awesome and very supportive. Happy endings all around!

    I do have friends who realized/accepted at 18 they were gay, but then chose to get married because they wanted the wife/kids lifestyle.

    To answer the questions; it works both ways.
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    Oct 17, 2009 8:48 PM GMT
    I was married for 27 years. I was separated for over two of those years and cheated for the two years before we separated. In the prior 23 years I never cheated nor did I have fantasys or inklings of being with another man, nor did I want to cheat. She and I had an outstanding sex life.

    My only m2m experience prior to marriage was when I was a teenager and my buddy and I jerked off together or jerked each other off about a half dozen times. I felt guilty for that touching from the time I was 13 until I turned 33 and decided to give up the guilt. (Side story- that buddy and I now get together when he comes to FL or when I go back to MA)

    When I started cheating on the ex, I only played with swingers. My logic was that I could fuck another guys wife with his permission and/or participation and it would be discreet. What I didnt know was that about 70% of m/f swinger couples that the husband is bi. Boy was I surprised.

    It wasnt until my first bi experience with a m/f couple did I realize that I was still the same man I was prior to getting head from this guy and that it was really only skin.

    Since that time 4-5 years ago I have had many couples experiences and dozens and dozens and dozens more m2m experiences. (a bunch of times with the males of the m/f couple and doesnt want the wife to know lol).

    The jury is out with me in regards to whether Im am exclusively going to be with men or women or whether Ill continue to just enjoy the sex with either or both sides. . All I can tell you is that the m2m sex is so so so much easier to come by be it with a str8, gay or bi man.

    Just my two cents
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Oct 18, 2009 12:09 AM GMT
    I know I have no right to judge other people life. But I think it really cruel for any gay men to married innocent straight girls and hoping he will change to be straight. This is her life you are talking about. It not for you to do testing, life experiment, You are lying to her (and to yourself) and destroyed her hope for a perfect loving and sexually happy relationship . I have see countless gay men who did this "Brokeback Marriage"stuff and I really feel sorry for the unlucky wife. Once I attend a beautiful wedding between a gay friend to a beautiful girl . She look so in love, and so happy, you know how beautiful a girl look during her wedding day. The bestmen is his bf. I was saying in my heart, "poor unlucky girl". As expected, a soon as the honeymoon is over, he return to be with his bf. Continue his relationship and with all it up and down. The unsuspected wiife is just a front to show to his family and society that he is a happily married men and have fullfil his obligation in a normal straight society. What she think or feel , doesnt matter.
  • islander24

    Posts: 161

    Oct 18, 2009 1:46 AM GMT
    zakariahzol saidI know I have no right to judge other people life. But I think it really cruel for any gay men to married innocent straight girls and hoping he will change to be straight. This is her life you are talking about. It not for you to do testing, life experiment, You are lying to her (and to yourself) and destroyed her hope for a perfect loving and sexually happy relationship . I have see countless gay men who did this "Brokeback Marriage"stuff and I really feel sorry for the unlucky wife. Once I attend a beautiful wedding between a gay friend to a beautiful girl . She look so in love, and so happy, you know how beautiful a girl look during her wedding day. The bestmen is his bf. I was saying in my heart, "poor unlucky girl". As expected, a soon as the honeymoon is over, he return to be with his bf. Continue his relationship and with all it up and down. The unsuspected wiife is just a front to show to his family and society that he is a happily married men and have fullfil his obligation in a normal straight society. What she think or feel , doesnt matter.


    I don't think any of us went into marriage with a plan to hurt our ex.
    I was deeply in love. We had sex like bunnies. In my case I have two great kids. But in a gay or straight relationship, the sex is only part of it. My ex had problems and in a weak period cheated on me. I tried to get her into consoling for a year. All the same time having real problems myself if I wanted to give it all up and recognize I was gay. Her parents were just adding fuel to the fire.They wanted a "better" ( richer/ smarter/ more handsome/ whatever) son in law. I was not having a fling with a guy on the side. So I did care what happened to her. Internally I was having a real war between my true feelings and what I felt , but like the rest of us , friends, family, our community were dictated our outward behavior.