I met my ex for coffee?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 4:43 AM GMT
    So yesterday my ex contacted me to drop my mail off at my work (Despite the order of protection against him). We went for coffee and talked. I haven't seen him since I served him with this order and vacated the apartment.

    He says that he really wants to just be friends with me, and that he's not trying to win me back. I'm afraid that this is just another manipulation to get to me.

    It's really hard to see him and not have emotions. Did I make a wrong decision?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 5:08 AM GMT
    Move on. If he abused you. Move on and Yes he is trying to get back with you. You'll end up at the same place before you know it. I heard the same shit from my moms boyfriend through her. He almost broke her jaw and fracured her nose,but for some odd reason he was back in the house again. She said he just wanted to be "friends". That he is really sorry and that he changed. over and over and over and over and over again. She got so emotional over him she took a bag of his volume pills(he was a druggie) She had to be rushed to the hospital.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 5:09 AM GMT
    Possibly,yes.At least you're aware he could be manipulating you,so you know what to watch for.Go ahead and be his friend.
    I doubt this could turn bad unless you're the type to make the same mistake often.If you are,just tell him you want a long distance friendship icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 5:17 AM GMT
    What did he do anyways?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 5:42 AM GMT
    It was just a relationship that turned physically and emotionally abusive. I will always love him though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 6:14 AM GMT
    beethoven15 saidIt was just a relationship that turned physically and emotionally abusive. I will always love him though.


    I think you should just focus on yourself for now. bringing a black cloud into your life will probably slow you down from reaching your goals in life.Plus aren't you going to grad school? Also one more important thing. What do your friends and family think? Since they know you a lot more better than any of us would.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 6:16 AM GMT



    Hello beethoven15,

    This is Doug. I went through this in '78. When the BF beat the crap out of me I was able to lift him up by his neck (I had no idea I could do that) and open the door to the apartment building hallway. Just about the entire (three storey walk-up) building was there in the hall. I let go of the BF still swinging at me, and several people took me down the hall into another apartment.

    Was that it? Pretty well, yes. I had a police file and let's face it, the entire gay downtown in Vancouver knew about it in a day. His life was a public misery for a long long time afterward.

    He wanted to be friends. After about six months I permitted it, under very controlled circumstances; I called all the shots, every last minor one. No one would ever do that to me again, and no one ever has.

    I thought I still loved the guy, but you know, I was mistaking pity for love.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 6:44 AM GMT
    Thank you meninlove.
    That's exactly what I needed to hear.
    It's the worst pain anyone should ever go through.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 1:34 PM GMT
    beethoven15 saidSo yesterday my ex contacted me to drop my mail off at my work (Despite the order of protection against him). We went for coffee and talked. I haven't seen him since I served him with this order and vacated the apartment.


    If you really have a protective order you should not be meeting him at all. Even if the meeting is done with your consent it still violates the order and could result in a warrant for his arrest if the court finds out about it.

    If you decide he's no longer a threat you will need to let the court know you want the order lifted.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 1:42 PM GMT
    Beethoven - TexDef has given you some really sound advice here, as have many others. Please consider talking to someone about this. It sounds like you may need someone to help you sort out your emotions so you can get clarity about how to be consistent in your approach with this situation ... and future relationships you will have.

    Good luck, man and hang in there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 1:55 PM GMT
    You will always love him?
    No, you will not.

    It's just a momentary hurdle on your road to full emotional recovery and well being. You need to keep him out of sight and out of mind. Abusive people almost NEVER change.

    Stay away from him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 2:51 PM GMT
    How long did it take him to violate the order of protection? The law says that he cannot be near you or will face penalties, and yet he broke that law in front of your coworkers.

    How long do you think it will take him to ignore any promises he may have made to not be abusive?

    There is a world full of wonderful people. Spend your time with them.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Oct 17, 2009 4:05 PM GMT
    The important part of this one is the abuse. You had to get an order of protection against this guy, and he ignored it because he wanted to be your friend? He doesn't get to be your friend; he lost that privilege when he abused you. Your friendship is a reward to people who are good to you and for you. He is neither.

    Being friends with an ex is possible, particularly if you part on good terms and/or sufficient time has passed to take the edge off the emotional reactions. I've seen couples split and continue to spend time together in groups with no apparent strain. Being friends with someone who physically and emotionally abused you and broke the law in order to even contact you, however, is essentially impossible. While people can change with huge and sustained effort on their part, individuals who do so are the exceptions, not the rule.

    What did he want to talk about at coffee? I'd be more likely to take him seriously if he said something along the lines of "I need to apologize to you. What I did was horrendous and inexcusable. I screwed up badly and am getting help. I'm not asking you to forgive me, and I know that we'll never be a couple again, but part of overcoming my problems is to face what I've done, and apologize to those I've hurt. I know that this can never make up for what I did, but nothing can. This is just the best I can do." and sounded sincere about it. And, preferably, in a letter that acknowledged that as long as the order of protection was still in place, that would be the last you heard from him, because he recognized your right to have him completely out of your life, and that he didn't blame you for doing so. Anything that hints of him asking/wanting something of you would be likely filed as just a new form of manipulation.

    You were in love with him, but you realized it wasn't healthy, and you took the difficult but important step of breaking it off despite the pain. Your time is too valuable -- your mental and physical health is too valuable -- to spend on someone who intentionally abused you, but now expects that you can just be friends despite the legal prohibition on contact. You say you still love him, and always will; if so, that makes you that much more vulnerable to him, as you're still able to be manipulated by him despite knowing that you're better off without him around. As long as you still have a strong emotional reaction to him, stay away.

    Remember: the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. When he no longer matters to you at all -- when he becomes irrelevant, rather than inspiring love or hurt or rage or spite or longing or regret or anything else -- then it would be safe to stop avoiding him if your social circles happen to still overlap. Until then, keep in mind that you are more important than him, and thus you need to do what's best for you, not what he wants.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 4:08 PM GMT
    Run Forrest...Run!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 5:41 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    He wanted to be friends. After about six months I permitted it, under very controlled circumstances; I called all the shots, every last minor one. No one would ever do that to me again, and no one ever has.


    Bringing you your mail and making nice talk would not be enough to convince me that he is any different now than before. If you are interested in being sociall friendly with him, meet him and do things with him when there are other people around.........other friends of yours. They can help you get a better read on where he's coming from.

    There would have to be a compelling reason for me to explore that option. What's in it for me? Why would I value a limited reproach with him? Pity or guilt wouldn't be enough of a reason.

    And YOU control the situation. You determine the when and where's. Remind yourself and him that there are reasons for that order of protection and tell him not to contact you. You be the one contacting him if you want.
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    Oct 17, 2009 5:53 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidYou will always love him?
    No, you will not.

    It's just a momentary hurdle on your road to full emotional recovery and well being. You need to keep him out of sight and out of mind. Abusive people almost NEVER change.

    Stay away from him.


    Ditto. Abuse of any kind is not healthy. I speak from a sordid past with this. He still has you believeing that he gives a damn, but what he really wants is another opportunity to control you. Here is a quote you might find helpful to reference when you are in doubt. It always helps me.

    "There comes a time in life where you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus soley on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy."

    Good luck to you buddy. You deserve better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 5:54 PM GMT
    DO NOT have any contact with this man. Each and every time he contacts you, report it to the police.

    You have a chance to exit this relationship, use it.

    Feel free to contact me if you want to talk.

    George
  • CAtoFL

    Posts: 834

    Oct 17, 2009 6:00 PM GMT
    Abuse is never - NEVER - acceptable in a relationship. Please walk away.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 7:29 PM GMT
    beethoven15 saidSo yesterday my ex contacted me to drop my mail off at my work (Despite the order of protection against him). We went for coffee and talked. I haven't seen him since I served him with this order and vacated the apartment.

    He says that he really wants to just be friends with me, and that he's not trying to win me back. I'm afraid that this is just another manipulation to get to me.

    It's really hard to see him and not have emotions. Did I make a wrong decision?


    You made the wrong decision. You sent him the wrong message. You went to all the trouble of a court order (for reasons you did not disclose) and now you're hanging out with him again. DUMB.

    The saying goes, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice shame on me.

    There are way to many folks in the world that you can associate with that you haven't had to get court orders against.

    While it's true that there's some benefits in holding your friends close and your enemies closer, clearly, this guy is bad news for you. Don't be an idiot by going there again. THINK. Stand by your guns. KEEP HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He's bad for you. You decided that with the court order.

    YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY, AS IN NONE, NONE, NONE contact with this guy, given your history. If you do, you're inviting disaster.

    Take time to study up on battered wife syndrome and look inward at yourself. Are you so desperate?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 17, 2009 8:06 PM GMT
    no, do not meet him anymore. especially with his known past. get over him, leave him behind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 18, 2009 6:10 AM GMT
    Abusive people are driven by power. If your intuition is telling you that he is trying to manipulate you, then it is probably right. You said, "I will always love him". Does he know that? If so, he will always try to push his way in to your life just to see if he can. Not because he loves you. It's just another way to keep you somewhat under his control, drawing you back in emotionally. You must follow the "no contact" rule to regain your power, it's the only way to avoid getting caught back up in his game. Until you're completely over it, which may take a very long time, you're just picking your scabs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 18, 2009 6:18 AM GMT
    R u a dramaqueenicon_question.gif hmmmmicon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 18, 2009 6:23 AM GMT
    You went against the order of protection you got against him?

    Take everyone's advice and run the other way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 18, 2009 3:38 PM GMT


    Hey beethoven15....this has been an interesting read.

    I'm here often if you want to chat or email. The fact that he dropped off mail at your work is his violation of the order, not yours.
    Going for coffee with him was not a good idea, but was in public and during the day, which is not bad in the face of a manipulative devil.

    It's not like you went back to his place, or he yours. Do NOT do that, and he will try it, trust me.

    When he contacts you again remind him of the standing order. Tell him more and more people know about it, and why it's in place. Too often men like that think they're operating in a vaccuum - they forget many others are watching.

    And you remember that, too, eh?

    How you deal with this can effect how you will deal with adversity in the future.

    Steer the course steady! a hug -Doug of meninlove
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Oct 18, 2009 4:02 PM GMT
    As Ann MANders would say: "wake up and smell the frappuccino boy".

    Find the proud black woman inside you, drop the garbage on the curb, and move on.