Second Chances

  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Oct 17, 2009 6:47 AM GMT
    What is your policy with guys second or even third chances?

    Would it be different for a cheater vs a person who was flakey and stood you up the first time? Or is it one chance or nothing icon_razz.gif

    For me, I would give a person who stood me up another chance. First, I would have to talk to them after they stood me up lol, which is rare. If a person doesn't show to something you planned then they usually won't talk to you after. If they do and they seem sorry and they say they got nervous or whatever I would give them a second chance. After that, then it's over.
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    Oct 17, 2009 9:28 AM GMT
    Once a guy cheats it's a done data.


    If a guy stood me up.He better have a good excuse. 3 strikes and you're out.

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    Oct 17, 2009 2:34 PM GMT
    once a cheater always a cheater so that's gonna be a no-go on the second or third chance BUT if they backed out because of nerves, an emergency, or forgetfulness that's much more excusable
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    Oct 17, 2009 2:49 PM GMT
    If I was dating/in a relationship and the understanding was monogamy, and if he cheated, and if he felt he made a mistake, and if we talked about it, then I would give him a second chance. But for me, monogamy is something that both guys should want, rather than an expected arbitrary rule that must kick in. So the issue has to be discussed.

    Each situation is different, but generally neat little cliches like "once a cheater always a cheater" are conveneint excuses to avoid the hard work that is needed for a relationship to work. I think an intolerable excuse like that is needed to soothe the bruised ego of the one being cheated on rather than talking about what went wrong and how to avoid a mistake like that from happening again. It also assumes people are infallable.

    If the guy never showed up for a date, generally that would be a red flag, but I would still give him a second chance if he had the courage to contact me and had a decent reason or if he was sincere in his apology (even if he was just scared).

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    Oct 17, 2009 3:10 PM GMT

    Both are without exception. One strike and your out! When your significant other shows little respect for you and your relationship, then it's time to press forward. For me it would consume me as my only thought would be AIDS and did you have unprotected sex, was it something in the heat of the moment and u acted on impulse and did something stupid? even if he said he was protected I'd feel he was lying. He's already cheated what would give him any credibility at this point. As far as being stood up........My time like anyone else's is valuable if we AGREE to meet and you decide for whatever reason your not coming and you make the choice not to be courteous and call me to make other plans and leave me to my lonesome in some bar bookstore or coffee shop........ [url][/url]
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    Oct 17, 2009 3:16 PM GMT
    Be ruthless...always go with your first instincts ;)
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Oct 17, 2009 3:16 PM GMT
    I think it's comforting for people people to have black and white rules like once a cheater always a cheater. But if a relationship were black and white, then something was really wrong to begin with. I think it all depends on context and the person. There are people who cheat and will do it again, and then there are people who do something that they regret and are genuinely sorry. Part of love is accepting your partner will do something at times that hurt you, maybe even devastate you; however, you have to ask if part of love is also forgiving your partner and accepting things in order to continue being in it, then is this a case where you do it? Recovering from a cheating relationship is difficult, but not impossible, and I know couples who remained together and things worked out well decades later. People will always make mistakes, but it's really up to you if you can accept that from that person.
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    Oct 17, 2009 3:30 PM GMT
    Cal^^^

    I agree that healthy relationships are not blk and white and thru the course of any relationship people will cheat themselves and have bad impulses and make devastating choices. Growing while in a relationship can be gut wrenching as you try to keep your identity and self worth partnered w/ your significant other and be supportive of the same as they grow and evolve.
    however SEX , no matter how good can potentially be DEADLY . It is a choice you make to stray and seek that gratification elsewhere. If that choice costs you your relationship one should not be surprised, and while I might be able to forgive you and remain friends the level of intimacy is once removed.
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    Oct 17, 2009 3:45 PM GMT
    Balancing and Ann Frank attitude with Polyanna I think is a good way to be and I think lots of people do that. It avoids the trap of looking at the world and people in black and white terms and opens up unlimited possibilities.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Oct 17, 2009 3:52 PM GMT
    Hillie saidCal^^^

    I agree that healthy relationships are not blk and white and thru the course of any relationship people will cheat themselves and have bad impulses and make devastating choices. Growing while in a relationship can be gut wrenching as you try to keep your identity and self worth partnered w/ your significant other and be supportive of the same as they grow and evolve.
    however SEX , no matter how good can potentially be DEADLY . It is a choice you make to stray and seek that gratification elsewhere. If that choice costs you your relationship one should not be surprised, and while I might be able to forgive you and remain friends the level of intimacy is once removed.


    If that's your decision that's fine, but what I was saying is that relationships aren't cut and dry. Even in your example, you leave out the fact that it might have been oral sex or just kissing someone else, both types of cheating that do not put anyone at serious harm, health-wise. I'm not advocating you stay with everyone who cheats on you, but rather you determine what the outcome should be on a case by case basis.
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    Oct 17, 2009 3:58 PM GMT
    What KissingPro and calibro (heh...it rhymes!) said, basically. My boyfriend and I have a 'well, everybody makes a mistake now and then, so if it happens, we'll talk about it and see what it means' approach.

    As a side-note, I think the inflexible 'one strike and he's out' approach only leads to the guilty party hiding his mistake for fear of automatic dismissal. For health and other reasons, I'd rather know.
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    Oct 17, 2009 4:15 PM GMT
    it is so easy to say that if a guy cheats you will just end it but the truth is it is hard to let someone go when you actually love them. You keep them in your life because you believe that they will change. So second or third chances only matters on how much patience a guy has.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Oct 17, 2009 4:28 PM GMT
    I try to give the person the benefit of the doubt on offenses like being a flake, but I wouldn't give them much more than a second chance. But, I also think I have a good BS detector. I think you can tell if the person is sincere or shady.

    As for cheating, I think it's easy to say "No second chances!" But, let's face it, life isn't that easy. We can't always reign in our emotions. But at some point your own self-respect comes into play. How many times are you going to be the fool and let someone play you? It's rarely easy, but some people are just bad for you and you need to move on.
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    Oct 17, 2009 7:34 PM GMT
    Both of us had pasts with cheaters.

    Bill - just one (12 years spent and one nervous breakdown later trying to make it work).
    Doug - about ten. By number 6, I was packing while they were still tearfully admitting that it was all just a huge one-time mistake - like not wearing the condom. All but two are dead.
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    Oct 17, 2009 9:09 PM GMT
    NEVER offer second chances to anyone in any situation. Personal or business.
    If you are in an monogamous relationship, and that person cheated? Kick his bloody arse to the curb.
    Take heed....NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU FORGIVE, OR SEEMINGLY BELIEVE THAT THEY SHANT CHEAT AGAIN, IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.
    If it is a business releationship, sack their arse and get rid of them. If it's not some subordinate, then try to ruin him professionally. icon_wink.gif
    Let us bloody face facts here, a leopard doesn't change his spots.
    Cheers,
    Keith
    icon_twisted.gif
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Oct 18, 2009 1:49 AM GMT
    hmm interesting responses, but to me if someone cheats on me, then I was obviously not enough or what they really wanted. Cheating is not a mistake. It's something that happens that is thought out or planned to some extent. You don't accidentally sleep with or kiss someone. I think trying to work it out with someone who cheated on you is a waste of time. It's not worth trying to fix something that was already broken. Plus it would get to me that this person cheated on me once b4. Don't stay with that person, find someone who really want to be with you

    On a sidenote, it really bothers me how ppl will go after the person who slept with his or her bf or gf. Like on Maury and Jerry Springer icon_razz.gif for example, the a girl will attack the other girl and not her bf??? Does the girl REALLY think that it was all the other girls fault that her bf cheated? Why are people that stupid? Obviously her bf had the control, its not like he was poisoned, etc. Even if SHE seduced him, he had the control. I would kick the bf's ass not the other girl
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    Oct 18, 2009 2:25 AM GMT
    I think attempting to work it out (the core issue that is) with someone who cheats on you depends on how much is invested in the relation. In an attempt to look at the core issue one might learn something deeper about the person, or more importantly something about yourslef. If it was a brief relationship i'd likely cut my losses for sure.

    As for the ocassional date that stands you up - same thing. If they simply don't show and no phone call prior to offer an excuse then hasta la vista babe! I'd have better things to do and more interesting people to see than to waist time on someone who obviously doesn't have the gumption to man-up.
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    Oct 18, 2009 3:03 AM GMT

    "Maybe you didn't break the way you shoulda broke, yo, but I break."
    .............................................
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    Oct 18, 2009 3:14 AM GMT
    If you expected flawless behavior from a partner, then you better damn well be perfect yourself.

    More than 50% of men that cheat do so because they are taken for granted, abused or ignored. Only about 10% of those that 'always cheat' are habitual cheaters. There is more stigma associated with this than is necessary. If my boyfriend cheated on me, I would try to figure out why rather than simply playing 'dump-and-go.' If I had invested time, effort and emotional capital in the relationship, I'm not so stupid to toss it all away without finding out if it's salvageable.

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    Oct 18, 2009 3:22 AM GMT
    If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. After that give up .. there's so sense in being a damn fool about it!
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    Oct 18, 2009 3:23 AM GMT



    Well you're right, bgcat57, both us did that with each of our exes,- stayed and tried to salvage, but in the end we were single and so found each other.
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    Oct 18, 2009 3:58 AM GMT
    If you enter into a relationship without any sort of commitment then I could understand the reason for a second chance! but if you both agreed to be in a monogamous relationship but one of you cheat I don't see any excuse for a first, second, or a third chance!? as cliche as it may sound "A cheater is always a cheater no matter how bad or sorry he feels about doing it" and aside from that I have no tolerance to forgive any adult who doesn't act like a grow up or can't face up his own faults!!


    ♥ Leandro ♥
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    Oct 18, 2009 4:45 AM GMT
    GuiltyGear said
    "Maybe you didn't break the way you shoulda broke, yo, but I break."
    .............................................




    I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW...ARGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!! icon_evil.gif love that part ahahah
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Oct 18, 2009 5:02 AM GMT
    When it comes to having sex, I don't think of it as "cheating." It's just variety. Everyone should be free to have multiple sex partners.
    Inconsiderate people who can't be bothered to show up on time, don't get a second chance.
    Somebody who cheats me in business, doesn't get a second chance.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 18, 2009 5:04 AM GMT
    Asulikeit saidBe ruthless...always go with your first instincts ;)


    Best advice I've heard thus far!icon_idea.gif