my brother just committed suicide.

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    Oct 20, 2009 6:18 AM GMT
    my fraternity brother.

    i am currently in shock as i write this. not sure what my reaction will be tomorrow when i wake up tomorrow.

    i was watching a movie with a friend and my cell was vibrating non-stop for 10 minutes when i finally answered it with a whisper, and the disembodied voice of one of my fraternity brothers informed me, between sobs, that one of our brothers committed suicide tonight in his room at the house.

    reality ground to a halt right then.

    left the movie and went to the house. the whole chapter was there, standing around staring into space and sniffling. it was absolutely silent. the body was still in the house as the police investigated and everything. then his mom and dad arrived- her keening was the most fucked up shit i have ever witnessed. i will never forget that.

    they moved us to the back of the house while they took the body out the front and drove it away. i was the only brother to witness it, through a window. then the mother tried speaking to all of us, though we couldn't make out much, and the police chaplain gave us the facts and a bit of emotional bracing. i left after that- which was difficult to do, but i don't want to be conscious any more tonight.

    i knew him well and was just sitting on the couch with him earlier today in the house watching a movie. he had a lot of psych issues but hid them well. we were all aware of them though and were all supportive... we just didn't know just how lethal their combination was. the chaplain told us it was a combination of issues for which he was lucky to have made it as long as he did before indulging the suicidal fantasies he was prone to. we didn't know it was so dire beforehand. also, apparently there were about 7 personal issues in his life that contributed to the act tonight, and no one is to blame, though we all still feel... well, everything i guess from shock to numbness to anger to blame to the deepest sorrow- but yeah the desire to put blame or causality somewhere is stirring.

    mostly, the atmosphere felt like there was suddenly a huge vacuous Hole. in us or in the house or something. one of his issues was apparently the fact that he was wrestling with being bi, which he discovered over this last summer apparently, and confided in a few in the house (i'm surprised i wasn't one of them). now, i'm openly gay and universally embraced in the house for it, and the reactions of the guys he told were all very positive and supportive- but it must have been a demon for him, internally, as some of you may know first hand.
    well i'm rambling now and have probably said too much- may edit this down later- but it needed to be exorcised by pouring it out. the house has already decided that there's nothing about this to keep secret or hide from the public so i don't feel like i'm crossing any lines in putting this out into the ether of the internet- just don't abuse the info guys. you'll probably hear about it in the news in the next few days anyways.

    i'm not sure what i'm feeling right now- mostly numbed emptiness and shock- and i don't' know what i'll feel tomorrow morning or in the following weeks/months. i'm concerned about my school work- my thesis project that i'm working on (interior design major) is a FUNERAL HOME. so that's kinda fucked up. just emailed the professor, who's a bitch and who i just had a big argument with earlier today, so we'll see how that pans out. and now i feel guilty for worrying about my grades in a mess like this... i guess the mind just jumps around to distract itself? anyways, i'm going to bed.
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    Oct 20, 2009 6:34 AM GMT
    Oh my goodness I'm soooo sorry this happened to you. I hope you feel better.
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    Oct 20, 2009 1:38 PM GMT
    Get the dean of your school (emergency dean, etc.. whatever his her title is) to intervene on your behalf. Go over the prof. Take it from my point of view (a college teacher) professors are dicks and will get at you no matter what. You don't need that in this time. Get someone over the prof to excuse you so he can't take any repercussions.

    Other than that, deep breaths and take it all in, you can do it.
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    Oct 20, 2009 1:41 PM GMT
    Sory to hear this, Czar... hang in there.
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    Oct 20, 2009 1:54 PM GMT
    Czar,

    I know how you feel....my roommate killed himself also in 01/20/1995 at 11:40am in our West Hollywood home. The pain never goes away you learn to live with it. It becomes a part of you the strongest part of you. What you are doing now is great...you are talking about it continue to do so.

    Good Luck Czar.

    Hugs!
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    Oct 20, 2009 1:55 PM GMT
    That's awful. I wish people who are hurting inside could regain their perspective before things like this happen.

    If it is any consolation, you are lucky to have a built-in support group at the house. I hope the energy your fraternity brother left behind strengthens the bonds among the rest of you.

    *hug*

    P.S.: Go over the professor's head. It's not just about her, and she's lost her perspective as well.
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    Oct 20, 2009 1:56 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear.

    this is a very sensitive issue for most institutions. Most have support services (a plan) to help students understand and get past this tragedy.

    Take advantage of the services and more importantly talk it out with your brothers to help in the mutual healing process.
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    Oct 20, 2009 1:58 PM GMT
    czarod, seriously I am sorry to hear this, I hope you keep strong man.


    be sure to take care man.

    J
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    Oct 20, 2009 2:10 PM GMT
    As for your professor go to the head of the dept and if that does not work go to the Dean. I know others here has said that also. I'm just reinforcing what was has already been suggested.:

    Hang in there kiddo.
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    Oct 20, 2009 2:13 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear of the loss of your fraternity brother. He may have been at such a low point that he couldn't see anything good in his future. Suicide is such a permanent "solution" to what are usually just temporary problems. You'll probably never forget this poor guy, and if you're like me, you'll think of him from time to time all through your life. In my college days, there were a couple of suicides every year - due to drugs or sinking grades and not wanting to dishonor their families by being kicked out of school (a few Asians guys and girls who were not making the grades, they felt). As you get to my age, you may go through a few more of these situations (suicides or accidental deaths of friends or co-workers). What I learned is that life is for the living - - after respectfully grieving, we have to keep on living and moving forward - living our own lives. Best of everything to you at this time of solicitude on your campus.
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Oct 20, 2009 2:29 PM GMT
    That a sadness thing I have ever heard, Please take care and remember we in RJ love and wish you well.
    Hug from me
    zak
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    Oct 20, 2009 2:54 PM GMT
    A tough thing for relatively young people to witness and go through. Now you and your brothers could likely use a bit of counseling yourselves, which the school should be able to provide through one of their student services offices, if they haven't already set up something with your house.

    Even if it's just to talk it out with someone, take advantage of it, and don't try to be "tough" and sweep it under the rug. When my first partner died I was taking some college courses in my 50s, and even I visited with the student counseling office, that also helped to coordinate some allowances for my classes with my professors, as I planned his funeral and had to have time to make arrangements afterwards as his executor.

    Don't try to tackle this professor on your own. Go through the appropriate college offices as already recommended here, which may include the Dean of Students.
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    Oct 20, 2009 3:21 PM GMT
    My best, best friend shot himself recently. You eventually get over it.
    He was the mosy brillant and up person i have ever met.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Oct 20, 2009 3:50 PM GMT
    My most heart-felt condolences go out to you, your brothers, and his family at this time. We had a guy in our house kill himself too, and it has always lingered with us. Feel free to contact me privately if you want to talk
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    Oct 21, 2009 1:39 AM GMT
    Czar, I'm really sorry to hear this. When I saw you were the poster to this thread, my heart sank a little. You have my deepest sympathies, and any support you need, for you have been there for me in the past.

    First off, don't feel guilty for feeling or thinking anything. Just go with it. Embrace the way you feel and let your mind think what it does. Grieving is a very interesting place to be, but you just have to allow yourself to be there, because the only thing worse than grieving, is not allowing yourself to.

    It's very sad that this person was so lost he felt this was his only way out. But whatever he was to you, as a friend, is not changed. You, on the other hand, are still here and very much alive. Do not lose sight of that. And your thoughts are simply representative of that, so don't feel guilty for them.

    I hope you feel better soon, my friend.
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    Oct 21, 2009 1:54 AM GMT
    I'm sorry buddy, know what that's like a close friend of mine did the same. If you were close and knew his family well hang in there and try to be strong for em if they need that.

    Take care.

    Gabriel
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    Oct 21, 2009 1:57 AM GMT
    Czar,

    So sorry to hear about this. Feel free to message me if you need someone to vent to... I know how hard it can be to deal with sudden losses. My sincerest sympathy is with you.
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    Oct 21, 2009 2:30 AM GMT
    You have my most sincere condolences.

    Suicide is a terrible loss, and certainly one that isn't easily understood or explained. Take care of yourself and know that others do care about you too.

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    Oct 21, 2009 2:39 AM GMT
    Peter,

    My deepest condolences. Nothing I (or we) can say as a community will probably help you thru this any faster. These things just have to be dealt with and experienced in one's own way. Doesn't make it any less painful and heartbreaking. Stay strong. icon_sad.gif
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    Oct 21, 2009 2:40 AM GMT
    Czar,

    My condolences go out to you. I have done work with my Fraternity on Risk Management and one of the most difficult things to do is talk about preparing for a death in the Fraternity. One can prepare for every situation but they still come as a surprise. One of my Brothers just got diagnosed with Lymphoma and while the tumor is being removed in a week, we still don't know how much longer he's got to live. It sucks, but happens.

    Hector2009 is absolutely right (kudos!) when he suggests to get whatever services you can from the college. Nationals, if they are good, will probably also send someone or at least offer someone's services as well. Take all the help you can get.

    This may sound cold at first, but hear me out. In order to be of any help to your Brothers, you have to help yourself first (it's the whole putting on your own oxygen mask before helping another type of thing). Your being in a better place in dealing with the myriad of emotions you're feeling right now is ultimately going to be a boon for your Brothers who aren't there yet.

    Also, talk about it. Talk about what you feel, what you're going through with your Brothers. Bottling all that will not bring closure.

    If there is anything I can do to help out, please let me know.

    Our hearts go out to you and your Brothers. Take care.
  • Crucializer

    Posts: 389

    Oct 21, 2009 2:41 AM GMT
    Czar,

    My deepest sympathies to you and your brothers.
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    Oct 21, 2009 2:57 AM GMT

    That is awful. We all complain about our lives so much, but despair like that is strange to us, that makes us lucky.

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    Oct 21, 2009 2:59 AM GMT
    My prayers are with you.
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    Oct 21, 2009 3:36 AM GMT
    I;m glad you were able to get you feelings out and i want to let you know that if you need to vent, ramble, whatever...you can feel free to do that either via the forums or e-mail. Its alot better to put feeling into words and I'm glad you're doing that. I don't really have much advice to give you on the matter because...to be honest...this is something I've never dealt with before but my thought and prayers are with you. As for the professor...some teachers a just plain ole assholes and there isn't much you can do about it without jeopardizing you grade. See if you can appeal to his more humane side and if not, then you'll have to grit your teeth and get the project over with. Of coure any feeling you may have, I'm sure the guys on this site (well..at least me..since i can really only speak for myself) will be more than happy to try to help you work through your feelings.
  • dh__

    Posts: 143

    Oct 21, 2009 3:39 AM GMT
    truly sorry man, my condolences. best of luck with everything to you and all your brothers.