FORUMS > Mental Health Forum Rules

my fraternity brother.

i am currently in shock as i write this. not sure what my reaction will be tomorrow when i wake up tomorrow.

i was watching a movie with a friend and my cell was vibrating non-stop for 10 minutes when i finally answered it with a whisper, and the disembodied voice of one of my fraternity brothers informed me, between sobs, that one of our brothers committed suicide tonight in his room at the house.

reality ground to a halt right then.

left the movie and went to the house. the whole chapter was there, standing around staring into space and sniffling. it was absolutely silent. the body was still in the house as the police investigated and everything. then his mom and dad arrived- her keening was the most fucked up shit i have ever witnessed. i will never forget that.

they moved us to the back of the house while they took the body out the front and drove it away. i was the only brother to witness it, through a window. then the mother tried speaking to all of us, though we couldn't make out much, and the police chaplain gave us the facts and a bit of emotional bracing. i left after that- which was difficult to do, but i don't want to be conscious any more tonight.

i knew him well and was just sitting on the couch with him earlier today in the house watching a movie. he had a lot of psych issues but hid them well. we were all aware of them though and were all supportive... we just didn't know just how lethal their combination was. the chaplain told us it was a combination of issues for which he was lucky to have made it as long as he did before indulging the suicidal fantasies he was prone to. we didn't know it was so dire beforehand. also, apparently there were about 7 personal issues in his life that contributed to the act tonight, and no one is to blame, though we all still feel... well, everything i guess from shock to numbness to anger to blame to the deepest sorrow- but yeah the desire to put blame or causality somewhere is stirring.

mostly, the atmosphere felt like there was suddenly a huge vacuous Hole. in us or in the house or something. one of his issues was apparently the fact that he was wrestling with being bi, which he discovered over this last summer apparently, and confided in a few in the house (i'm surprised i wasn't one of them). now, i'm openly gay and universally embraced in the house for it, and the reactions of the guys he told were all very positive and supportive- but it must have been a demon for him, internally, as some of you may know first hand.
well i'm rambling now and have probably said too much- may edit this down later- but it needed to be exorcised by pouring it out. the house has already decided that there's nothing about this to keep secret or hide from the public so i don't feel like i'm crossing any lines in putting this out into the ether of the internet- just don't abuse the info guys. you'll probably hear about it in the news in the next few days anyways.

i'm not sure what i'm feeling right now- mostly numbed emptiness and shock- and i don't' know what i'll feel tomorrow morning or in the following weeks/months. i'm concerned about my school work- my thesis project that i'm working on (interior design major) is a FUNERAL HOME. so that's kinda fucked up. just emailed the professor, who's a bitch and who i just had a big argument with earlier today, so we'll see how that pans out. and now i feel guilty for worrying about my grades in a mess like this... i guess the mind just jumps around to distract itself? anyways, i'm going to bed.

Oh my goodness I'm soooo sorry this happened to you. I hope you feel better.

Get the dean of your school (emergency dean, etc.. whatever his her title is) to intervene on your behalf. Go over the prof. Take it from my point of view (a college teacher) professors are dicks and will get at you no matter what. You don't need that in this time. Get someone over the prof to excuse you so he can't take any repercussions.

Other than that, deep breaths and take it all in, you can do it.

Sory to hear this, Czar... hang in there.

Czar,

I know how you feel....my roommate killed himself also in 01/20/1995 at 11:40am in our West Hollywood home. The pain never goes away you learn to live with it. It becomes a part of you the strongest part of you. What you are doing now is great...you are talking about it continue to do so.

Good Luck Czar.

Hugs!

That's awful. I wish people who are hurting inside could regain their perspective before things like this happen.

If it is any consolation, you are lucky to have a built-in support group at the house. I hope the energy your fraternity brother left behind strengthens the bonds among the rest of you.

*hug*

P.S.: Go over the professor's head. It's not just about her, and she's lost her perspective as well.

Sorry to hear.

this is a very sensitive issue for most institutions. Most have support services (a plan) to help students understand and get past this tragedy.

Take advantage of the services and more importantly talk it out with your brothers to help in the mutual healing process.

czarod, seriously I am sorry to hear this, I hope you keep strong man.


be sure to take care man.

J

As for your professor go to the head of the dept and if that does not work go to the Dean. I know others here has said that also. I'm just reinforcing what was has already been suggested.:

Hang in there kiddo.

Sorry to hear of the loss of your fraternity brother. He may have been at such a low point that he couldn't see anything good in his future. Suicide is such a permanent "solution" to what are usually just temporary problems. You'll probably never forget this poor guy, and if you're like me, you'll think of him from time to time all through your life. In my college days, there were a couple of suicides every year - due to drugs or sinking grades and not wanting to dishonor their families by being kicked out of school (a few Asians guys and girls who were not making the grades, they felt). As you get to my age, you may go through a few more of these situations (suicides or accidental deaths of friends or co-workers). What I learned is that life is for the living - - after respectfully grieving, we have to keep on living and moving forward - living our own lives. Best of everything to you at this time of solicitude on your campus.

That a sadness thing I have ever heard, Please take care and remember we in RJ love and wish you well.
Hug from me
zak

A tough thing for relatively young people to witness and go through. Now you and your brothers could likely use a bit of counseling yourselves, which the school should be able to provide through one of their student services offices, if they haven't already set up something with your house.

Even if it's just to talk it out with someone, take advantage of it, and don't try to be "tough" and sweep it under the rug. When my first partner died I was taking some college courses in my 50s, and even I visited with the student counseling office, that also helped to coordinate some allowances for my classes with my professors, as I planned his funeral and had to have time to make arrangements afterwards as his executor.

Don't try to tackle this professor on your own. Go through the appropriate college offices as already recommended here, which may include the Dean of Students.

My best, best friend shot himself recently. You eventually get over it.
He was the mosy brillant and up person i have ever met.

My most heart-felt condolences go out to you, your brothers, and his family at this time. We had a guy in our house kill himself too, and it has always lingered with us. Feel free to contact me privately if you want to talk

Alpha13 saidMy best, best friend shot himself recently. You eventually get over it.
He was the mosy brillant and up person i have ever met.

At least on the surface.

Czar, I'm really sorry to hear this. When I saw you were the poster to this thread, my heart sank a little. You have my deepest sympathies, and any support you need, for you have been there for me in the past.

First off, don't feel guilty for feeling or thinking anything. Just go with it. Embrace the way you feel and let your mind think what it does. Grieving is a very interesting place to be, but you just have to allow yourself to be there, because the only thing worse than grieving, is not allowing yourself to.

It's very sad that this person was so lost he felt this was his only way out. But whatever he was to you, as a friend, is not changed. You, on the other hand, are still here and very much alive. Do not lose sight of that. And your thoughts are simply representative of that, so don't feel guilty for them.

I hope you feel better soon, my friend.

I'm sorry buddy, know what that's like a close friend of mine did the same. If you were close and knew his family well hang in there and try to be strong for em if they need that.

Take care.

Gabriel

Czar,

So sorry to hear about this. Feel free to message me if you need someone to vent to... I know how hard it can be to deal with sudden losses. My sincerest sympathy is with you.

You have my most sincere condolences.

Suicide is a terrible loss, and certainly one that isn't easily understood or explained. Take care of yourself and know that others do care about you too.

Peter,

My deepest condolences. Nothing I (or we) can say as a community will probably help you thru this any faster. These things just have to be dealt with and experienced in one's own way. Doesn't make it any less painful and heartbreaking. Stay strong.

Czar,

My condolences go out to you. I have done work with my Fraternity on Risk Management and one of the most difficult things to do is talk about preparing for a death in the Fraternity. One can prepare for every situation but they still come as a surprise. One of my Brothers just got diagnosed with Lymphoma and while the tumor is being removed in a week, we still don't know how much longer he's got to live. It sucks, but happens.

Hector2009 is absolutely right (kudos!) when he suggests to get whatever services you can from the college. Nationals, if they are good, will probably also send someone or at least offer someone's services as well. Take all the help you can get.

This may sound cold at first, but hear me out. In order to be of any help to your Brothers, you have to help yourself first (it's the whole putting on your own oxygen mask before helping another type of thing). Your being in a better place in dealing with the myriad of emotions you're feeling right now is ultimately going to be a boon for your Brothers who aren't there yet.

Also, talk about it. Talk about what you feel, what you're going through with your Brothers. Bottling all that will not bring closure.

If there is anything I can do to help out, please let me know.

Our hearts go out to you and your Brothers. Take care.

Czar,

My deepest sympathies to you and your brothers.

That is awful. We all complain about our lives so much, but despair like that is strange to us, that makes us lucky.

My prayers are with you.

I'm truly sorry to hear about your loss. Time seems to heal all wounds though. My brother's best friend hung himself about a month ago. It was very hard on my brother; he really did not know how to think about the whole thing. Just talking to my brother about it helped out a tremendous amount.

My thoughts go out to you...take care.

I;m glad you were able to get you feelings out and i want to let you know that if you need to vent, ramble, whatever...you can feel free to do that either via the forums or e-mail. Its alot better to put feeling into words and I'm glad you're doing that. I don't really have much advice to give you on the matter because...to be honest...this is something I've never dealt with before but my thought and prayers are with you. As for the professor...some teachers a just plain ole assholes and there isn't much you can do about it without jeopardizing you grade. See if you can appeal to his more humane side and if not, then you'll have to grit your teeth and get the project over with. Of coure any feeling you may have, I'm sure the guys on this site (well..at least me..since i can really only speak for myself) will be more than happy to try to help you work through your feelings.

truly sorry man, my condolences. best of luck with everything to you and all your brothers.

My deepest condolences to you and your fraternity brothers. I can only imagine the sadness you are feeling. I wish you the best of luck in getting through this incredibly difficult time.

My condolences.

Our sympathies, Czar.

A few days after my cousin killed herself, I heard Joni Mitchel sing this on the radio, "A woman I knew just drowned herself; the well was deep and muddy.
She was just shaking off futility, or punishing somebody."

None of us will ever know why she did it

-Doug .

My deepest sympathy Czar on your tragic loss.Eternal rest grant unto him O Lord and let perpetual light shine upon him.May his soul and the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace.Amen

Peter,

the brothers of phi delt send their condolences. we were very concerned last night when we saw the police cars and ambulances outside, and my fears became true when i saw the gurney being wheeled inside. our president was right when he told me it was a dark night for ΣΑΕ, though he couldn't reveal details at that time. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, and to all your brothers.

it may have been a dark night, and the mood will probably pervade for a while, but i know you all will be able to get through it. and as you all recover from the great shock i know that in the true fashion of brotherhood he will be sorely missed.

Alex

My condolences man i know that you can get through it just keep close to your family and everything will get better. "time heals all pain"

xXvampXx .

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure with time, patience, and love you and your brothers will learn to cope with such a tragedy.

As to the teachers: it could go either way, but someone outside the department will most likely need to advocate for any leniency. I dunno why, but having friends that went to a big school near Cincy and my experiences at 2 other schools now- faculty just don't compute loss well, but will generally accept the recommendations of counselors. I would look to your national chapter for help and to the student counseling center as well.

Hang in there- and don't forget to eat!

I can relate to your shock and dismay. Last year, a friend of mine hung himself and I had just seen him in the elevator on the way to our separate rooms the night before. He had just gotten a tattoo and was so stoked about it. I'm still perplexed by it to this day actually.

My heart goes out to you and your fraternity brothers.

Czar,

My heart goes out to you and your brothers. I'm sure you will experience a variety of emotions and responses from your brothers and yourself. Everyone mourns in their own way. Just be there for each other and encourage those experiencing personal challenges to speak up and not hold them inside as your late brother did.

Eric

my condolences, its not an easy thing to go through. Keep yourself in good company, best wishes.

sorry for your loss. Hang in there and be strong for each other.

As someone who also struggled with my sexuality for a time, I'm very sad that this happened. It's such a shame that these problems he faced were all so timely and large that he didn't feel like he had any chance to pass through them. I will pray for all of you and him.

Wow... what a traumatic thing for you guys to go through...really sorry to hear this.

hey **hugs**

thank you for sharing this with us. i cant even imagine what this all feels like or will feel like. you have my sympathies and condolences. please extend them to your brothers too.

keep posting and talk about it as you feel up to it, k?

Life is a fragile thing.

No one should ever feel they have no options, but, it happens.

You'll be o.k.

It's part of life.

It's not anything you can do anything about.

It's normal to grieve. You'll get through it.

To absent friends...

Sounds, smells, hobbies shared all bring back their memory. Why is the only question that never goes away.

Very sorry for your helplessness...


Jeff

I'm so sorry. Its incredibly painful when someone you know and care about takes their own life. Take comfort in the friends and people around you, they're there to help. Dealing with a tragedy like this is always incredibly hard emotionally. So don't let yourself go through it alone. You've got people who love and care who are there for you. You have my thoughts and prayers buddy.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through that. My mom did the same when I was ten. I still don't understand how that happens to people.

It must be surreal right now, but you have your brothers to support you, and all of us here.

Stay strong, Czar.

Sorry to hear. I'm sure he felt he was suffering and not many could predict this. Hang in there, be there for your friends. I'm sure it's even harder for his family!!!

My best friends Mom did 2 days before Christmas. She was let go from a 30 year job. We never thought this would happen!

Czar,

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your loss. It's good to see that you are letting your emotions out-keep it up. Glad to see you have supportive people in your life. You and your brothers are in my prayers.

Peter,

Sorry for the loss. Nothing worse than someone going to the edge and not being able to return. Too many of us have experienced this with ones we love. My heart goes out to you and your brothers. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Such terrible, terrible news. Having gone to same University, I also heard about this yesterday and at first only heard that someone in a frat had killed himself. I was so terrified it could have been my ex who also had trouble coming to terms with his identity. It made me realize how important it is that we make an effort to talk to these people and comfort them. But in cases like this, it's terribly sad and frustrating when there's nothing you can do.

Don't be afraid to just cry and let it all out. Sometimes that's the best way to cope-- by embracing the full spectrum of emotions.

I think at one point or another many of us have had someone close to use take their own lives. It's really fucking scary. It's sad and it's really hard to understand.

In the end, the way I dealt with it was constantly reassuring myself that maybe this person is better now. Mental illness is a tough game to play. Who knows what was going through his head.

All you can do now is be there for the people he cared about the most!

Sorry to hear the news, good luck with everything.

Im so sorry you and your friends are going through this. I was suicidal for a long time in college myself. He probably thought that it was the only way he would find some modicum of relief from whatever mental anguish he was experiencing. That's why I considered it. You just need to be there for your friends and allow them to be there for you. It is not your fault. Sometimes people just see no other way out.

sry bro

Suicide is very difficult. At that moment I think the person is in so much pain they do not realize the pain it causes others left behind, especially family.

Anderson Cooper's brother did just that in front of their Mom Gloria Vanderbilt. He was hanging from the balcony, she screamed let me call the Dr. let me get you help. He said I want to know when I will feel again and he let go. Anderson has said "Haunted by his brother's suicide, Cooper explains, "The only thing I really knew is that I was hurting and needed to go someplace where the pain outside matched the pain I was feeling inside." Cooper describes himself as having become "fascinated with conflict" during this dangerous period of his life.

We all cope differently.

Hope his family can find a way to go on.

@MikemikeMike - Very well said. I hadn't previously heard about AC's brother's suicide. How very sad.

My condolences, Czar.

Czar I am saddened to hear about your frat brother.

I know exactly how that feels.When we loose someone that is close to us, I think it is best that we let that person live on in our lives by living our lives by the good examples and lessons that those we loved have taught us and sharing that with the world.

*big big bear hugs*

-Sage

Oh man I feel horrible hearing this. Makes you appreciate life even more, I am too struggling with the issue he did, in regards to his sexuality, yet I m not haunted by thoughts about it, I am lucky. Enough about me, the point is I feel for the loss of your frat-brother, I hope you, everyone who knew him, and his famiy can find peace. It takes a great deal of guts to share what you did, with all of us here on the site. Take care man, my condolences all the way from California.

I am so sorry Czarodziej! My condolences to his family and friends (and brothers)!!

Jesus, that's just terrible. My thoughts and well-wishes go out to you, your frat brothers, and his family. It makes me sad that the discovery of his nascent sexuality may have been a factor in his decision.

I'm so very sorry to hear this. Bereavement is one of the most awful and difficult things to deal with, and I don't think our society is very good at talking about it. I had to deal with the death of my father in undergraduate, and so here's some things that might help you.

Firstly, please do talk to all the university staff -- yours and his professors -- about what has happened. They need to know that you're in a time of strife, and, speaking as a faculty member myself, can only help you if they understand that you're going through this.

Secondly, whatever you're feeling is ok. It'll be a rollercoaster and everything you're thinking is just fine. Let the waves crash and don't try to do anything about them.

Thirdly, put together all your memories, and those of your brothers to try to see what contribution your friend made to your life. Share these, and maybe photos, with his family if you can -- it will help both of you in your grief.

Fourthly, watch out for all your friends and yourself. It's a sad fact that one suicide can spark others.

Fifth understand that this may affect your grades and your ability to work (I know it did for me). That's ok and the university, if it's decent, should be able to help you through that.

Sixth, talk to a professional bereavement counsellor. I hope and imagine that the university will send someone to talk to you all and help you.

My kindest wishes to you in this difficult time.

It's always hard to lose a friend that way. My thoughts are with you. <3

Suicide on the survivors is devastating. Many take it personally like they are at fault for this happening. But it's not your fault or anyone else's. My thoughts and prayers are with you in your grief.

If you wish to chat with me, I'm here for you.

--Gregg

Czar - That feeling of " I just talked to him this morning" will linger for months, if not years.

I have a distinct feeling that you and your brother will be a great comfort to his family. Let them lean on you and lean on each other.

Let yourself cry hard. I am so sorry for your loss. Peace Be With You.

So sorry to heat Czarodziej,

Have you ever seen the movie "A River Runs Through It" with Brad Pitt? It came out in 1992 I think. There is a quote there that reminds a lot of times like this in the sense you lose someone and you knew they seem ok, but you also think they might have needed some help.

Well the father in the movie says something like "Lord I don't know what part of me to give to help, and the part that I do give is rejected. But in the end you can completely love someone without complete understanding"

You can completely love your brother and all the good times and all the things you like about him, without ever understanding why he did what he did.

We are all better off with the good people we run into in our lives, even when they leave us when we don't want them too.

I wish I can comfort you, but sadly I cannot. The one person who can comfort us is time. time will always ease the pain, but it will take a while. Time is always there, time never leaves us.

So sorry Peter.

Sorry for your loss. Hope you get over this soon. Take care...

Czar,

My condolences to you and your fraternity brothers during this troubling time. I can only imagine what you are going through.

I found these support resources for survivors of suicide. I know that you and your brothers have a strong support system. Working in trauma care we deal with a lot of bereavement in regards to sudden, traumatic deaths. Just in the event you need additional support look into this:

http://feelingblue.org/after-a-suicide/support-for-survivors

My heart extends to you, your brothers and the family of the deceased. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,

Aaron

::hug::

Czar ---- I'm saddened to hear of your loss, that a young man couldn't see enough good in his future to stick around for. Remember it was his dicision not yours or your fellow frat bro's. I had a very dear Aunt do the same thing, I had tried to make contact to no avail, but still had feelings of what more I might have done. I was also in college at that time and couldn't get my mind wrapped around what I needed to be doing. Only time healed my feelings/heart ache, and talking/writing to get those feelings out. My heart goes out to you and those around you who morn his loss. Try to zone in on one matter at a time that you need to accomplish in your studies putting out of your mind the things you cannot change about this terrible loss. It will be difficult but again time will help you get through this and sort it all out. You'll never forget this but by looking to what good memories you have of him and clinging to them will get you through and help you accept what happened. I wish you courage and the ability to cope with your loss.

Condolences to you and your frat brothers.

thanks for all the great, supportive responses guys, and thanks to those who've sent me personal messages- sorry i haven't been able to respond to those yet but i will shortly- i've been spending the week at the fraternity house consoling my brothers and being consoled- haven't had the heart to check email or respond to anything yet. i'm doing fine, just still kinda numb inside. just got back from the funeral today and seeing him in the coffin, i got really mad at him- finally, an emotional response! this is a good thing i think. but yeah, mad at him because of the extreme selfishness his action required, and for all the harm its done to everyone even remotely connected to him, let alone his family. so i'm just nursing that for now since anger is better than cold emptiness (was beginning to worry about myself there).
the school's working with me on the academic implications of all this, which is good. still rough but at least they're not being dicks about it all. and the school counselors and therapists have been lining up at our house to talk to us so i'm set with that too.

only problem i've had is that my parents keep "constructively" criticizing me; saying i should get over it now after a few days has passed and just jump back into schoolwork, full steam ahead... but we are all handling this differently and i just can't think straight enough to do anything right now. i tried studying the other day and had to re-read a paragraph five times, so i gave up. they just think i'm using John's death as an excuse to slack off, and that hurts- dad said that the way he, or anyone, deals with death (or should) is to mourn and move on quickly, jump back into the fray of things, and be productive... but i have two problems with his argument- one is that that may be how HE professes to deal with death (though i know from watching him that the opposite is the case with him, and he's being a big hypocrite where this is concerned), but everyone takes different amounts of time and approaches loss differently (so saith the therapist)- there simply is no wrong way to mourn. the other problem i have is that the kinds of death he's citing as examples from his own life are the natural deaths of family members- very very sad, but natural and expected. see, to me, that is the least of what one can have to face coping with- violent or accidental death being a notch up from that into the realm of "tragedy," and suicides topping it all off with a heavy element of "just fucked up and disturbing." (can you tell i intellectualize everything so i can cope? lol). to put it plainly, what i'm dealing with is out of his league of past experiences, and he has no right to say he, quote: "very very deeply disapproves of having my economics midterm waived- very disappointed in me" yada yada yada- i don't need to hear that from him right now, especially not in the angry tone he used on the phone. of course, i never heard the rest of what he was saying because i hung up on him. he shot me a nasty text from that, and i texted this back to him:
"my brother and close friend just killed himself violently, dad. i can't handle your "constructive" criticisms, disapproval, or negativity right now- that's why i hung up on you. right now, you can either be 100% supportive of me, or you can fuck off."
that didn't go over well. i've never told my dad to fuck off before. but it felt really good at the time. still does when i think about it. it was followed with a flurry of angry and demeaning texts from him, which i ignored, along with his calls. as i see it, he can apologize for being a dick while i struggle with things too big for him to understand, or he can just not hear from me till christmas.
so yeah, that's where i'm at currently.
again guys, your support and kind words have helped and continue to help. i'm just leaving the numb phase of things and entering a grumpy, angry one i think. god grant patience with me to all my friends.

I am so sorry about your loss.

Just a reminder, and an offer. Guys, check on your friends and make sure they know, you are there for them! I honestly feel that sometimes, all a person needs is to know that someone cares. At the right time, it can make all the difference. And for those of you who find it easier to talk to a stranger than a friend, I have two shoulders and a pairs of ears, eyes and hands. And I'm here.

I've lost three husbands, and I've been suicidal. Honestly, I think it always remains an option once you've entertained the thought. But I have a lot going on in my life and people who love me and aren't afraid to say it or show it. And no one has to tell me to express it to them.

My thoughts and prayers are with you

Miasma saidMy thoughts and prayers are with you

and also with your brothers and this young mans family. It is very painful to lose someone you care about.

Sadly not everyone can handle the fact of being Gay, Bi, Transsexual, or in some way different, or just the idea the will or are being picked on for some reason. I for one know that Total Abyss of suicides grap, for i've tired and failed miserably 7 times. Sadly I don't think i've done enough to be remembered well or at all by those i've met. My reason for going on is simply cause though i'm not afraid of death but the pain-stainking problem it'll be for the coroners to clean up.

I'm very very sorry for your lose, and certainly for his family. Just hang tight and stay true.

"My best, best friend shot himself recently. You eventually get over it.
He was the mosy brillant and up person i have ever met."

I think a nicer way to put things is time heals I hope you don't just get over it. If one of my best friends shot themselves I wouldn't just get over it, yes I'd move on, but if I had a memory of them I would still have emotions.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad for you that you have community to help you through this, both at the frat house and here. I am frequently amazed at the capacity of men on this site to be kind and loving. I lost my biological brother 22 years ago to suicide. He was 34, he would be 57 in November. This last week I went over to the house of his only son. His son (my nephew) is married and just had twin daughters a month ago. I went with my mother (age 85, a complicated relationship) and we both took turns holding and feeding my brother's grandchildren. I was sad he was not there, but happy to be with my nephew and his children. I have never gotten over this loss, although the pain has diminished and time is not the only healer. That's the reason I told you this story. There are other things that heal.

PS--I sure understand your anger toward your father. He is being most insensitive. I hope you will not let your anger linger too long (to the point it does you harm).

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Whatever you're going through — rest assured your brothers are there for you, and I hope you and and his loved ones pull through.

feel when you are ready, but strive toward it.

take action when you are ready, but strive toward it.

there is no timetable for grief, regardless of what others may say.

you are a wonderfully capable human being; i have absolutely no doubt that you will make your own way through the wilderness and come out stronger and more compassionate than before.

no doubt whatsoever.

be well kinsman.

namaste.

czarodziej said
he had a lot of psych issues but hid them well. we were all aware of them though and were all supportive...

I am terribly sorry this happened. There is nothing any of us can say that will undo what you are dealing with presently.

Did he happen to be bi-polar? Those who are bi-polar are 5 times as likely to commit suicide as the general population. A good friend of mine was bi-polar, but had only known he was bi-polar for four months. Having not had enough experience with it, he would go off of his medication when he was on the manic high. Once the inevitable crash came, he took his own life by jumping off of a parking deck. He was such a good man and one of the best I had ever known. It hurt like hell, but I know he wasn't familiar enough with his condition to know how important it was for him to remain on the meds, so in a way, I can understand why he made the choice he did.

You may go through several stages in dealing with this, which might include anger at him for doing what he did, blaming him for what he did, guilt for wondering if you could somehow have prevented it, guilt for your feelings about it and of course, the pain. Accept everything you feel about this and in the end, you will be able to make peace with it.

czarodziej saidi got really mad at him- finally, an emotional response!

Congratulations! You are moving forward.

czarodziej said
mad at him because of the extreme selfishness his action required, and for all the harm its done to everyone even remotely connected to him, let alone his family.

There is no doubt your feelings in this are justified and you have every reason to feel this way. If it is possible, see if you can dig up some information on his mental health issues and how they might have played into this choice he made.

czarodziej said
so i'm just nursing that for now since anger is better than cold emptiness (was beginning to worry about myself there).

The emptiness is necessary. Your self will push the feelings up when your self knows you are able to deal with them. Your self will block those feelings when the time is not right to deal with those feelings. The feelings of emptiness protect you on an as needed basis.

czarodziej said
only problem i've had is that my parents keep "constructively" criticizing me; saying i should get over it now after a few days has passed and just jump back into schoolwork, full steam ahead...

No one has the right to dictate what you must feel, when you must feel it and when you must get over it. You yourself can't dictate these things, even if you wanted to. You can't force yourself to love someone you are not attracted to, no more than anyone else can force the time table and method of your grieving.

czarodziej said
they just think i'm using John's death as an excuse to slack off, and that hurts-

This is sick. You are being berated for being human and having a completely NORMAL response to a tragedy. Please don't listen to him. If a lover, friend or parent dies, know that it is ok to slack off a bit, in order to deal with what you are facing here. Maybe you could ask your father if he had been the one that had died, would he be ok with you 'getting over it ASAP,' and going on with life as if nothing had happened?

czarodziej said
dad said that the way he, or anyone, deals with death (or should) is to mourn and move on quickly, jump back into the fray of things, and be productive...

That sounds like the way of litte boys, who seek distraction from what they feel, rather than the courage of grown men who FACE and OWN UP to what is occurring inside of them.

czarodziej said
everyone takes different amounts of time and approaches loss differently (so saith the therapist)

A good therapist is worth their weight in platinum.

czarodziej said
(can you tell i intellectualize everything so i can cope? lol).

I can tell your heart is operative and in GOOD working order. Your intellectual side sees exactly what is happening as well.

czarodziej said
"very very deeply disapproves of having my economics midterm waived- very disappointed in me" yada yada yada- i don't need to hear that from him right now, especially not in the angry tone he used on the phone. of course, i never heard the rest of what he was saying because i hung up on him. he shot me a nasty text from that, and i texted this back to him:
"my brother and close friend just killed himself violently, dad. i can't handle your "constructive" criticisms, disapproval, or negativity right now- that's why i hung up on you. right now, you can either be 100% supportive of me, or you can fuck off."

EXCELLENT! WELL DONE!

czarodziej said
that didn't go over well. i've never told my dad to fuck off before. but it felt really good at the time. still does when i think about it.

When does it ever go well when one is acting like an a-hole and are called out for doing so?

czarodziej said
again guys, your support and kind words have helped and continue to help. i'm just leaving the numb phase of things and entering a grumpy, angry one i think. god grant patience with me to all my friends.

Carry on. I don't think you need our help. You've got this one.

Peter no words can touch your pain...

Please be good to yourself at this trying time in your life!

I am deeply saddened for your loss and also to all others including the family who are having to suffer through such a painful and traumatic ordeal. I truly hope there is someone there who can provide support and comfort to all of you in these painful days ahead.