Only In America

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    Dec 16, 2007 10:52 PM GMT
    Only In America

    1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

    5. Only in America......do banks leave both vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    6. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    7. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    8. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

    9. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

    EVER WONDER

    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

    Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

    Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

    You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    ------------------
    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

    On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

    On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
    Details inside. (the shoplifter special?).

    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....).

    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
    (...and you thought????...)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

    On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

    On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
    flash)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

    On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this
    one.)

    On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2007 2:55 AM GMT
    That is some funny stuff, lilman thanks for the laughs
  • Squarejaw

    Posts: 1035

    Dec 17, 2007 3:17 AM GMT
    I've ironed clothes while wearing them.
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    Dec 17, 2007 6:03 AM GMT
    Lol, was on myspace, thought I'd share the laugh icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2007 8:42 PM GMT
    My favorite: Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2007 8:53 PM GMT
    Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2007 9:48 PM GMT
    I defense of America... I will justify all -))

    lilmaninsc saidOnly In America

    1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    Well, Papa Johns is 1/2 mile away, the hospital 5 miles

    2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    Handicapped people still have to pick up their children and attend parties

    3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only some pharmacies are in the back, and around here, it's usually because they have a drive through

    4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

    The fact that they are ordering fast food is evidence of stupidity enough

    5. Only in America......do banks leave both vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    Closed doors won't stop people with guns, chains will stop people without them

    6. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    Who has an answering machine any more?

    7. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    I'm gonna wager that it's the same way at Tesco. At least from my memory of living in London.

    8. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

    They use the word in England

    9. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

    Well, blind people have to get to the bank somehow, and the rear seat on the driers side has as easy an access to the ATM as the driver

    EVER WONDER

    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

    This one is biased towards caucasians

    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    What can they do with their mouth closed?

    Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

    Because they can see what winning the lottery would do to them

    Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

    Because it has 11 letters

    Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

    Because they are always learning

    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

    I think you are referring to articicial lemon juice. The juice that comes out of lemons is natural.

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    Why can't it be a woman?

    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

    Because so many people listen to Rush

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    Because mice don't taste good.

    When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

    Dogs

    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

    The mosquitoes didn't need to be on the Ark

    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

    Otherwise, it would be cruel and unusual punishment

    You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

    Because they want to sell more planes

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    Because you don't put them in the dryer

    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

    Because togethermets sounds stupid

    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

    Yes

    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    To make you afraid

    ------------------
    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

    On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

    because some people use it as heat (poor people)

    On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
    Details inside. (the shoplifter special?).

    they have a way you can write for an entry, and you could find it online

    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....).

    yeah, they probably need to update that one

    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

    Serving sugegstion means that the pictured item has additions to what's inside

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

    As if it could make in all the way to Tesco without ever being turned upside down

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
    (...and you thought????...)

    Probably should just say "don't sue us"

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

    Yes, it does, especially if you notice a cuff that needs it

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

    Just because it's marketed to childern doens't mean adults won't take it

    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

    There's a difference between being able to sleep and being "drowsy"

    On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

    Those whacky Japanese

    On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

    Hmm

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

    Well, flight attendants like instructions

    On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this
    one.)

    I'm returning mine

    On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

    Haven't you seen the movie?


    Lovingly,
    Tanktop
  • Squarejaw

    Posts: 1035

    Dec 17, 2007 10:30 PM GMT
    Tanktop, you're brilliant. Are you in politics? You could make a fortune spinning candidates' stupid comments.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2007 10:50 PM GMT
    lol tank...that was great