For those of you not having enough sex and want more-what do you think are the reasons why?? This ties into the thread about how many times a week.

  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Oct 21, 2009 6:19 PM GMT
    Possibly with group discussion, you might find an answericon_idea.gif/ solution!

    If you don't think suggestions from other members would help-just skip this thread.

    I have always felt learning through others to be invaluable.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 21, 2009 6:27 PM GMT
    Over time, my bf's level of desire has declined and he doesn't enjoy some sexual activities. We've talked about it, he's tried medications and while things improve for awhile, they always drop back off. I've just learned to accept it and stop pushing.
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    Oct 21, 2009 8:49 PM GMT

    I run into major cock blocks because I'm....Shy Pictures, Images and Photos

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    Oct 21, 2009 8:56 PM GMT
    Location, location, location. Cincinnati blows when it comes to guys. You either have the people that have been out forever such as myself...which I already know most of those people. Then you have the insecure closet cases that will just break your heart because they're mentally ten years behind you. Very frustrating.
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    Oct 21, 2009 9:05 PM GMT
    That's simple: it's numbers. As gay men we only make up 2-3% of the male population. Unless you are willing to move to new cities every few years or so, you are pretty much stuck with an extremely limited selection - one which you must be able to navigate through for sex, friendship, relationships, etc., all the while, within this small group, people talk about each other, are very rude to each other, reject each other, and are living proof that missing out on healthy adult development through adolescence is the reason why not a whole lot happens in the gay community (big picture-wise). The other thing is that we fool ourselves into thinking it's going to be different in another metro area. I've lived in many places - gay people are gay people whether you are in Fairbanks, Alaska or Miami Beach.

    As the internet evolved, so did many of our tastes. Unfortunately our tastes and desires were pretty unrealistic before the 'net, but now they are even more so: look at adult entertainment websites targeted to gay men. Every single one features 'straight guys' that are willing to pose naked for us if we pay 40 bucks a month for the membership. So we are seeing the 'cream of the crop' in terms of bodies and straight men who are so desperate for drug money or child support money they will even pose nude for gay websites, but these are not gay men - and I think that falls on deaf ears in the gay world. It is very unlikely you will ever find a gay man who has the mannerisms, attitude and body that these young straight guys have. The thing is though, once we start looking at these sites, somehow we are convinced that 'yep - there must be some guys like this out there for me and I'm not going to compromise until I find him'. Let's see how that's working in 20 years.

    My number one thing is trust. I have been out since I was 14 and from day one I have learned that many gay guys (especially those who were closeted for a long time, manipulated their parents to pay for college, etc and then came out) are great at bullshitting and lying to you about everything left, right and sideways. I wouldn't trust most gay men further than I could drop kick them. Because I've spent years watching them online or at gay venues tell one guy how he's a lawyer, yadda yadda yadda and then two minutes later telling another guy he's an engineering professor at an Ivy League school. It's almost genius the way that we lie to each other and with such gusto. I believe that is also why HIV spread through our community like wildfire: we are such experts at lying and getting others to believe our lies that at some point it doesn't seem like it's a lie. Also there is little regard for the health of other gay men - which is another thing. Since there are so few of us; if we don't care what happens to other gay men, won't that eventually come back to hurt us since we will probably meet someone in the future that he met?

    Sorry I don't have anything positive to say about the subject. It's very disappointing. And I have to say that this is definitely not what I came out for.
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    Oct 21, 2009 9:23 PM GMT
    People have different sexual needs and it's rare that the two are equal. Compromise and communication are the keys to unlocking frustration.
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    Oct 21, 2009 10:09 PM GMT
    " So we are seeing the 'cream of the crop' in terms of bodies and straight men who are so desperate for drug money or child support money they will even pose nude for gay websites, but these are not gay men - and I think that falls on deaf ears in the gay world. It is very unlikely you will ever find a gay man who has the mannerisms, attitude and body that these young straight guys have."

    You hit the nail right on the head. Excellent point.
  • jrs1

    Posts: 4388

    Oct 21, 2009 10:48 PM GMT


    I suppose I am not more sexually active because I'm not quite putting myself out there. I'm involved with various extra-currics, and looking to get into more social networking groups. but I'm not the most aggressive person when it comes to sex because I feel it will happen when it's appropriate. I've been abstinent for several years now and it's not the best feeling in the world, but I'm sure sex will happen when it's time.
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    Oct 21, 2009 10:58 PM GMT
    Duluth, do you ever miss an opportunity to excoriate gay men for being so damn abominable that it's forcing you to be alone?

    I'd venture to say that you're guilty of many of the same behaviors you always harp on others for exhibiting but don't wanna own up to it so you project it on to other people instead.

    Your 'all gay men are awful, everywhere' attitude is like cologne - you've probably long since grown accustomed to the scent and forgotten that it's there, but it reeks to everyone else.

    Which all, in a roundabout way, answers the question of why you're not getting laid as much as you want. Or have a boyfriend. Or the perfect job. Etc.
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    Oct 21, 2009 11:03 PM GMT
    For me:
    I'm getting older and am tired of just "adequate" sex, if I'm going to go the distance I'd like to have relative certainty that there will be a decent payoff.

    I work hard to take care of myself and really don't want to get physical with someone who doesn't.

    Also, I'm not unhappy being single and am not looking for a relationship. When I start having sex with someone it inevitably turns into someone wanting more, which is fine even welcome, but guys move too fast these days.

    What's the rush? What ever happened to getting to know one another and enjoying each phase of a relationship. Why go from a fuck buddy to married in a month?

    I need more sex... but not at the cost of having an unhealthy relationship.
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    Oct 21, 2009 11:16 PM GMT
    Well my sex life is kinda dullicon_sad.gif Been with my husband for over 12 years and the passed 4 years we had to deal with him losing his job, my school, work, student teacher schedule, and recently a lot of deaths in the family.

    Plus with me not being able to land a teaching job has me a bit depressed.

    While we are not having much of a sex life, we do have a really great and affectionate relationship and enjoy spending time with each other.

    We have discussed it and it does both us a bit but nothing drastic that we think there is something wrong with our relationship. Sex is sex but it's the feelings between us that keep us together and happy.
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    Oct 22, 2009 1:22 AM GMT
    I'm with GuiltyGear. As bold as I am with my friends, I don't have the balls to go up to a guy. Mix that in with some trust issues and its a perfect recipe for no sex.
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    Oct 22, 2009 1:37 AM GMT
    Because I have to sleep some time or I'll get bags under my eyes. icon_twisted.gif
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    Oct 22, 2009 1:55 AM GMT
    DuluthMN saidThat's simple: it's numbers. As gay men we only make up 2-3% of the male population. Unless you are willing to move to new cities every few years or so, you are pretty much stuck with an extremely limited selection - one which you must be able to navigate through for sex, friendship, relationships, etc., all the while, within this small group, people talk about each other, are very rude to each other, reject each other, and are living proof that missing out on healthy adult development through adolescence is the reason why not a whole lot happens in the gay community (big picture-wise). The other thing is that we fool ourselves into thinking it's going to be different in another metro area. I've lived in many places - gay people are gay people whether you are in Fairbanks, Alaska or Miami Beach.

    As the internet evolved, so did many of our tastes. Unfortunately our tastes and desires were pretty unrealistic before the 'net, but now they are even more so: look at adult entertainment websites targeted to gay men. Every single one features 'straight guys' that are willing to pose naked for us if we pay 40 bucks a month for the membership. So we are seeing the 'cream of the crop' in terms of bodies and straight men who are so desperate for drug money or child support money they will even pose nude for gay websites, but these are not gay men - and I think that falls on deaf ears in the gay world. It is very unlikely you will ever find a gay man who has the mannerisms, attitude and body that these young straight guys have. The thing is though, once we start looking at these sites, somehow we are convinced that 'yep - there must be some guys like this out there for me and I'm not going to compromise until I find him'. Let's see how that's working in 20 years.

    My number one thing is trust. I have been out since I was 14 and from day one I have learned that many gay guys (especially those who were closeted for a long time, manipulated their parents to pay for college, etc and then came out) are great at bullshitting and lying to you about everything left, right and sideways. I wouldn't trust most gay men further than I could drop kick them. Because I've spent years watching them online or at gay venues tell one guy how he's a lawyer, yadda yadda yadda and then two minutes later telling another guy he's an engineering professor at an Ivy League school. It's almost genius the way that we lie to each other and with such gusto. I believe that is also why HIV spread through our community like wildfire: we are such experts at lying and getting others to believe our lies that at some point it doesn't seem like it's a lie. Also there is little regard for the health of other gay men - which is another thing. Since there are so few of us; if we don't care what happens to other gay men, won't that eventually come back to hurt us since we will probably meet someone in the future that he met?

    Sorry I don't have anything positive to say about the subject. It's very disappointing. And I have to say that this is definitely not what I came out for.


    I can't remember where, but I was just reading a magazine article that said in a recent survey, 4% of Americans identified themselves as gay or lesbian and that the gay population is growing five times faster than the US population as a whole. Of course it is not really, its just a matter of more people coming out and people coming out at an earlier age. I live in a suburb of Detroit. So I figure that since the Detroit metro population is about 5 million and rougly half are male- 2.5 million. At 4% that is 100,000 men and 50,000 at your 2% estimate. I'm not that much of a whore, I have a long way to go. Oh and I forgot, that percentage tends to be higher in large metro areas, so there might even be more men to choose from.
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    Oct 22, 2009 1:56 AM GMT
    DuluthMN saidIt is very unlikely you will ever find a gay man who has the mannerisms, attitude and body that these young straight guys have. The thing is though, once we start looking at these sites, somehow we are convinced that 'yep - there must be some guys like this out there for me and I'm not going to compromise until I find him'.


    Duluth, if you ever come to Brazil, I need to introduce you to a few of my friends and acquaintances, because I don't know where you got this idea that masculine gay guys are so rare. We would still have to debate what you consider masculine, but I can tell you in advance that I've met gay guys who had the same stereotypical innocence, unsophistication and roughness that you would expect in those stereotypical straight guys. My straight co-workers are far from being sylvester stallones and I too have met many gay guys with the same ordinary masculinity that they have, so I wonder what's behind this straight guy obsession that I see in your country and that you seem to corroborate.

    DuluthMN saidLet's see how that's working in 20 years.


    What if, after 20 years, this guy is still alone? What would it prove? Maybe this guy has an unreasonable preference, or maybe it's just bad luck - which, considering the numbers you mentioned yourself, is quite probable.

    While being alone may be sad, isn't it sadder to be in a relationship that makes no sense? First we are too picky on looks, and now we can't even pick on personality (in which I include mannerisms and attitude)? Then we end up with a relationship with no spontaneous attraction, but who needs such a luxury, isn't it?
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    Oct 22, 2009 1:58 AM GMT
    I am good in bed and out of bed....LOL

    I am In Arizona......

    I am Ready!!

    haha

    I say have it. Be happy!!
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    Oct 22, 2009 2:00 AM GMT
    the retarded thread award goes to to you today!
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    Oct 22, 2009 2:02 AM GMT
    badmikeyt saidDuluth, do you ever miss an opportunity to excoriate gay men for being so damn abominable that it's forcing you to be alone?

    I'd venture to say that you're guilty of many of the same behaviors you always harp on others for exhibiting but don't wanna own up to it so you project it on to other people instead.

    Your 'all gay men are awful, everywhere' attitude is like cologne - you've probably long since grown accustomed to the scent and forgotten that it's there, but it reeks to everyone else.

    Which all, in a roundabout way, answers the question of why you're not getting laid as much as you want. Or have a boyfriend. Or the perfect job. Etc.


    Can I get a Hallelujah and an Amen?!
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    Oct 22, 2009 2:13 AM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite said
    badmikeyt saidDuluth, do you ever miss an opportunity to excoriate gay men for being so damn abominable that it's forcing you to be alone?

    I'd venture to say that you're guilty of many of the same behaviors you always harp on others for exhibiting but don't wanna own up to it so you project it on to other people instead.

    Your 'all gay men are awful, everywhere' attitude is like cologne - you've probably long since grown accustomed to the scent and forgotten that it's there, but it reeks to everyone else.

    Which all, in a roundabout way, answers the question of why you're not getting laid as much as you want. Or have a boyfriend. Or the perfect job. Etc.


    Can I get a Hallelujah and an Amen?!


    BURNNNN. Lmao
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    Oct 22, 2009 3:03 AM GMT

    Face palm, everyone who replied to this thread just broadcasted out that they aren't getting any

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    Oct 22, 2009 3:10 AM GMT
    DuluthMN saidThat's simple: it's numbers. As gay men we only make up 2-3% of the male population. Unless you are willing to move to new cities every few years or so, you are pretty much stuck with an extremely limited selection - one which you must be able to navigate through for sex, friendship, relationships, etc., all the while, within this small group, people talk about each other, are very rude to each other, reject each other, and are living proof that missing out on healthy adult development through adolescence is the reason why not a whole lot happens in the gay community (big picture-wise). The other thing is that we fool ourselves into thinking it's going to be different in another metro area. I've lived in many places - gay people are gay people whether you are in Fairbanks, Alaska or Miami Beach.

    As the internet evolved, so did many of our tastes. Unfortunately our tastes and desires were pretty unrealistic before the 'net, but now they are even more so: look at adult entertainment websites targeted to gay men. Every single one features 'straight guys' that are willing to pose naked for us if we pay 40 bucks a month for the membership. So we are seeing the 'cream of the crop' in terms of bodies and straight men who are so desperate for drug money or child support money they will even pose nude for gay websites, but these are not gay men - and I think that falls on deaf ears in the gay world. It is very unlikely you will ever find a gay man who has the mannerisms, attitude and body that these young straight guys have. The thing is though, once we start looking at these sites, somehow we are convinced that 'yep - there must be some guys like this out there for me and I'm not going to compromise until I find him'. Let's see how that's working in 20 years.

    My number one thing is trust. I have been out since I was 14 and from day one I have learned that many gay guys (especially those who were closeted for a long time, manipulated their parents to pay for college, etc and then came out) are great at bullshitting and lying to you about everything left, right and sideways. I wouldn't trust most gay men further than I could drop kick them. Because I've spent years watching them online or at gay venues tell one guy how he's a lawyer, yadda yadda yadda and then two minutes later telling another guy he's an engineering professor at an Ivy League school. It's almost genius the way that we lie to each other and with such gusto. I believe that is also why HIV spread through our community like wildfire: we are such experts at lying and getting others to believe our lies that at some point it doesn't seem like it's a lie. Also there is little regard for the health of other gay men - which is another thing. Since there are so few of us; if we don't care what happens to other gay men, won't that eventually come back to hurt us since we will probably meet someone in the future that he met?

    Sorry I don't have anything positive to say about the subject. It's very disappointing. And I have to say that this is definitely not what I came out for.

    oh hunny.... you have it all totally wrong...... totally utterly completely wrong...

    Your single because your a cunt and no one would want to date you.... that's all.
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    Oct 22, 2009 3:17 AM GMT
    Gilbercrat saidLocation, location, location. Cincinnati blows when it comes to guys. You either have the people that have been out forever such as myself...which I already know most of those people. Then you have the insecure closet cases that will just break your heart because they're mentally ten years behind you. Very frustrating.


    Dude...you are only 22 lol. If you've already plowed your way through the entire community (which is how you make it sound from that statement), you can hardly blame the community. icon_rolleyes.gif

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    Oct 22, 2009 3:18 AM GMT
    I got completely lost with this thread. I thought it was trying to figure out why guys don't have sex often.

    For me
    1. I don't want to be judged and thought of as a slut.
    2. The guys I like do not like me.
    3. I am not the best when it comes to talking about having or not having sex.
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Oct 22, 2009 3:24 AM GMT
    GuerrillaSodomite said
    badmikeyt saidDuluth, do you ever miss an opportunity to excoriate gay men for being so damn abominable that it's forcing you to be alone?

    I'd venture to say that you're guilty of many of the same behaviors you always harp on others for exhibiting but don't wanna own up to it so you project it on to other people instead.

    Your 'all gay men are awful, everywhere' attitude is like cologne - you've probably long since grown accustomed to the scent and forgotten that it's there, but it reeks to everyone else.

    Which all, in a roundabout way, answers the question of why you're not getting laid as much as you want. Or have a boyfriend. Or the perfect job. Etc.


    Can I get a Hallelujah and an Amen?!


    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Oct 22, 2009 4:30 AM GMT
    Gaymedes saidWell my sex life is kinda dullicon_sad.gif Been with my husband for over 12 years and the passed 4 years we had to deal with him losing his job, my school, work, student teacher schedule, and recently a lot of deaths in the family.

    Plus with me not being able to land a teaching job has me a bit depressed.

    While we are not having much of a sex life, we do have a really great and affectionate relationship and enjoy spending time with each other.

    We have discussed it and it does both us a bit but nothing drastic that we think there is something wrong with our relationship. Sex is sex but it's the feelings between us that keep us together and happy.


    I would highly suggest a good couples therapist... or even sex counselor if you can find one (get referrals if you can!). I wanted to many years ago - but therapy came too late for us... however, it brought out things we had never openly discussed - some of them out of fear and embarrassment. The relationship - as it was - ended, but it taught us both a lot about the power of honest, fearless communication.

    Just my .02 cents. I wish you well sexually and otherwise. I wouldn't give up on that aspect if you still find each other attractive.